Here’s a taste from my latest book, Menopause Sucks, which will hit stores in June. I co-authored the book with bestselling author Joanne Kimes. I remember my first episode of perimenopause as clearly as the first time I saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show. I was sweating, crying, clawing at my hair, and ripping off my clothes. Unfortunately, I was 46 years old and there was no Fab Four in sight. In fact, this horrific event happened during a business meeting.Wearing my sassy yet sophisticated power suit with the appropriate accessories and ladder-climbing shoes, I was speaking to a group of Very Important Personnel. Suddenly some horrific and unknown force of evil invaded my body and mind, rendering me a breathless mass of confusion. I swear that it was similar to having a mammogram, a root canal, and a colonoscopy in a sauna while watching reruns of the shower scene from the movie Psycho. Only worse. I feared death was imminent as my chaotic mind ratcheted into panic mode. Who would care for my children? Had I paid the electric bill? Crap, if this is the end, why didn’t I have that donut after all? Yup, it was perimenopause. I assumed that peri was the Latin word for “dangerous” and menopause was the word for “crazy lady.” I learned that these symptoms were only part of the total menu of midlife maladies that could occur as I transitioned into the real mother of all body betrayals. Menopause. Wasn’t I too young, too busy, and just too perky to deal with the “M” word? I decided right then and there that yes, Menopause Sucks!Like what you’ve read so far? Menopause sucks is full of helpful hints, amusing anecdotes, and sassy suggestions for those in search of fearless facts and a cold drink. The book is available for pre-order now at amazon.com!.
Midlife Cabernet Chosen for Blogrolls on Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and BlogHer
Potato Party Packages!
Here’s a fun party idea for your wee ones.Elaine will attend your child’s party and read from her award-winning children’s books. She’ll include 10 autographed and personalized copies of Gaters & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories. This book was named “Best Children’s Book of 2003” by a national reviewer and was selected for four Statewide reading lists. It was chosen for Bowker’s National Recommended Reading List for 2004 – an honor reserved for only 50 children’s books annually.She’ll also include 10 copies of The Magic Potato – La Papa Mágica. This is a bilingual coloring book that was selected by the State Board of Education for inclusion in the statewide school curriculum. The text features days of the week, numbers, colors, and key words in English and Spanish.This party package is recommended for ages 5 through 10.Estimated Value: $300 for Twenty Autographed Books and Author ReadingTo confirm date of party, contact me at [email protected] or call (208) 630-4217.
Midlife Cabernet: Playing Doctor with Grandma
My grandmother’s generic treatments for our childhood illnesses were successful because we were too terrified to get sick. The potions and homemade remedies combined country folklore with whatever magic medicine was stocked in the pantry. Only sissies and townsfolk went to the doctor.
Grandma’s healing practices were legendary. If we had a sore throat, she would wrap raw bacon in a tea towel and pin it around our neck. Consequently, my brothers and I never mentioned if we felt sick. Suffering in silence was preferable to smelling like a meat locker.
Another home remedy for coughs was to smear Vicks VapoRub on the soles of our feet, cover them with thick stockings, and send us to bed. If that didn’t work, we were fed raw onions and honey. Needless to say, we held back a cough until our ears bled.
The cure for earaches was practical. Heat a green onion in the stove and then stick the bulb in the painful ear. The warm vegetable would dissolve any wax buildup and eliminate the pain. We knew not to look in the mirror or answer the door while wearing onions in our ears.
One nifty trick to remove fish bones stuck in our throats was to swallow a raw egg. If that didn’t absorb the irritating bones and flush them down, the thick substance caused us to vomit the bones and the egg. Mission accomplished.
I remember injuring my elbow after falling out of a tree. Grandma wrapped my arm in a tea towel made from a flour sack and tied the ends around my neck. I wasn’t able to climb another tree for several years and my arm is still crooked.
Back in those days, Grandma was under pressure to survive with what she had. She made soap, churned butter, sewed clothes for her children, and baked every meal from scratch. Her pantry held a cornucopia of canned fruits and vegetables. And remedies. But we all survived and lived to tell about it. Thanks, Grandma.
Midlife Cabernet: How Women can Travel Alone without being Stupid
When I traveled solo on business trips more than 30 years ago, I experienced negative and skeptical reactions from hotel receptionists, waiters, and even other travelers. They assumed I was a loser who couldn’t get a man to accompany me or a floozy looking for some action in the back of the lobby bar. I enjoyed proving them wrong.
Now women comprise more than 51% of people traveling for business and pleasure. Most of us have a routine when entering a hotel room: prop open the door, check the closets and shower for bad guys, and then close and lock the door. Wearing a holster and pistol is a good idea, but that usually is discouraged by the staff.
Here are some helpful tips for women who love to travel but choose to return alive.
1. Pack light and wear sensible shoes. Be able to wrestle all your luggage by yourself and still run a city block, if necessary. Wear casual business attire and avoid stilettos unless you can use them as pointed weapons.
2. Don’t loop your purse over your head because if some jerk wants to steal it, you’ll be slammed to the ground in the process. Don’t read maps or fiddle with your cell phone while standing alone because that makes you appear vulnerable. You need to look fierce enough to scare off any prospective attacker.
3. Be street-smart. Ask for two room keys so it appears you’re not alone. Sign the hotel register with your first initial and last name. If a stranger follows you, return to the front desk, report the incident, and ask for an escort. If you have a rental car, park under a light and look in the back seat before getting in. Pity the fool who tries to hide in your car because he’ll get a stiletto stuck into his head.
4. Trust your gut. If the guy in the elevator looks like a creep, wait for the next elevator. Don’t get your exercise by taking the isolated staircase – use the hotel gym and increase your strength for self-defense.
5. Get out of the room. Turn off the free Internet, and take advantage of the local attractions. In large cities, you usually can find a single theatre ticket in orchestra seating, and the concierge can help with taxi and dinner reservations. If you forget where you are staying, you shouldn’t travel.
6. Learn new technology. I’m now on a trip that includes flying out of state, renting a car, and driving in the dark. My adult children taught me how to program route instructions through Pandora on my cell phone and plug the information into my car radio. Now every few miles a gentle voice tells me where to go. And, I obey.
7. Realize that the world offers wonderful sights and adventures, but it’s also full of horrible criminals who would cut off your finger to get your diamond ring. Turn your rings around, stay alert, and arrive alive.
8. For more current travel tips and deals, visit www.travelingwomenblogs.com.
One last word of advice: if a slick guy at the hotel bar asks if you need a little company, just tell him you already bought one last week. Works every time.
Today’s blog is fueled by a 2010 Erath Estate Selection Pinot Noir from Willamette Valley. It’s about $34 a bottle and provides the perfect finish to an exciting day of travel.
Today’s Cabernet
Today’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2005 Frei Brothers Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon from Alexander Valley. A bargain at $20, this wine is full-bodied, complex and sassy – just like most of my friends.
