Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

Midlife Cabernet: How Did My Children Grow Up So Fast?

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Just when you figure how how to be a good parent, the kids grow up and move away. There is no chance to do it over. You can only hope that they don’t write a tell-all book about their horrid childhood.

Every other vocation requires education, study, and aptitude. With a baby, it’s on the job training with no salary, 24 hours a day, and you’re under pressure to be Parent of the Year. In reality, you look at the tiny bundle and mutter, “What do I do now?”

In past generations, young families were surrounded by grandparents and extended family members who could help. But with a mobile society and jobs in various locations, young couples often don’t live near their parents. Grandma can’t pop over to babysit or demonstrate how to swaddle or provide encouragement for breastfeeding. The best alternative is to find groups of other novice parents and share tips, childcare, and wine, if necessary.

After raising two marvelous children, I can look back and realize what I did right and wrong. The best advice I can give is to pick your battles. Once my three-year-old daughter threw a major tantrum because she wanted to sleep in her party dress while I tried to cajole her into her pajamas. In hindsight, I was the silly one. It would have saved a lot of drama if I had agreed and tucked her in bed, frilly outfit and all.

I’m fortunate to live near my grown children and their families, and I’m in awe of their amazing parenting skills. My daughter’s first daughter is spunky and creative, just like her mother. I predict some interesting times in the near future. My son dotes on his baby girl, and it’s fun to watch them together. I would allow her to sleep in a party dress any time she wants.

It sounds like a cliche, but kids do grow up too fast. Another amazing reality is that now we’re all about the same age. I couldn’t possibly be old enough to have grandchildren.

Today’s Cabernet – Screw Caps from Down Under

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Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2007 Jester Vintage Cabernet Sauvignon from Mitolo Wines in Australia. It was recommended at Seasons Bistro, my new favorite wine bar in Eagle. I was skeptical because of the screw top because I’m a cork snob. Don’t you just love that exciting pop of a cork? Why mess with something that has worked well for centuries? Well, the bottle was only $21 so I gave it a try. Surprisingly pleasant. I guess I’ll just have to keep tasting other non-corked wines. This is serious market research.

Midlife Cabernet: You’ve Always had the Power, My Dear

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I recently hosted a women’s writing retreat at my cabin in the Idaho mountains, and I was under pressure to organize the perfect experience. Just past midnight on the second night I was working in my bedroom when the power went out. This is a normal winter occurrence but I had guests sleeping in other bedrooms. I feared horrible calamities would result from the lack of electricity, including no morning coffee, no blow dryers, or perhaps death by freezing. All these were major problems.

I bundled up in my flannels and piled quilts on the bed, trusting that the other women would do the same. I didn’t sleep much during the night because I was planning how to cope with the problem the next morning. I couldn’t move my car out of the garage to go get coffee because the control on the electric garage door was too high to reach. I thought about calling a friend who owned a nearby yurt, but I didn’t know if he had a generator. I worried that my paid attendees would demand a refund to pay for frostbitten fingers and toes.

Early the next morning, I took my flashlight and tiptoed out of the bedroom. That’s when I saw the glowing lights from the kitchen appliances. The power was on in every room except mine. I hurried to the garage, found the correct breaker switch, flipped it back and forth, and discovered all the lights were on in my bedroom. All that worry was for nothing.

It reminded me of Glinda the Good Witch in the classic movie The Wizard of Oz telling Dorothy “You’ve always had the power, my dear. You had it all along.” I plugged in the coffee pot, feeling relieved and powerful.

Do Your Sagging Cheeks Get Stuck in Your Collar?

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(Here is an excerpt from the new book Menopause Sucks. It’s coming soon for hot women everywhere.)Everything is going along just fine until one sunny day you jaunt outside in your best tank top and shorts and accidentally catch a glance of yourself in a mirror that’s not the kind one in your bathroom with the back lighting. Horrors! What’s happened to your once taut skin and when did your neck turn into the dryer vent hose? It seems a dingo just ate your body and left this wrinkly old mass in its place!Your skin is aging, just like the rest of your body, and the hormonal changes during menopause can cause accelerated dryness, increased loss of elasticity, and more spots than a Dalmatian parade. You could stop all the deterioration right now by signing up to have your body frozen and suspended in liquid nitrogen at the Cryonics Institute until scientists discover a way to halt the aging process. But, that option does have a downside. It costs $28,000 for the procedure and you’d miss the annual sale at Nordstrom’s.Your face is the first body part to show the physical realities of forty years of wear, tear, care, and despair. It seems that heredity, environment, diet, and lifestyle all contribute to the condition and quality of your skin, and during normal activity and conversation, the skin on your forehead and around the eyes and mouth continually moves and stretches. Over the years, sun damage and gravity cause your skin to lose its elasticity and resiliency. The skin no longer snaps back like a new pair of undies to a smooth appearance after all that frowning, smiling, and laughing. Yes, your mother was right. Keep making those faces and they’ll stay forever! And you should have listened to her about not smoking, too. Now, it’s easy to identify heavy smokers who spent a lot of time in the sun because their faces resemble the skin of a dried potato. Women who smoke have more wrinkles and lines than nonsmokers because nicotine slows the circulation to the skin and it can’t release toxic waste products of cell metabolism. There’s not enough lotion in the world to bring back their skin to make it soft as a baby’s butt.(This chapter goes on to give helpful hints about lotions, potions, and lifestyle decisions that can rejuvinate your skin.)