Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

The 6 Benefits of Getting Married at Midlife

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(This blog was featured on The Huffington Post Fifty on March 6, 2015.)

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If you’re over 50 and planning your wedding, here’s a nugget of advice: For a unique musician, consider a little one-eyed Greek playing a goat bladder. That worked for us.

Studley and I met after being divorced from marriages that had lasted more than 22 years. We weren’t proud of those failures, but we were willing to take another chance on love and life. Based upon our successful experience, here are some advantages of midlife marriage:

1. There is no pressure to have the “perfect wedding.” We’ve all attended lavish ceremonies that ended before the thank you notes were sent. At our age, we’re celebrating the fact that someone else wants to say “I do” and we prefer something non-traditional. With an open bar.

2. There aren’t any in-law issues. Three of our four parents had passed away and my sweet mother suffered from dementia. She didn’t remember his name … or mine.

3. Make your own arrangements and pay the expenses. One of my favorite movies isMama Mia but the quaint little Greek church shown in the movie isn’t available for weddings. Besides, I would have fallen off the narrow path leading to the church. So we used frequent flyer miles and a timeshare to get married at the quaint Anezina Village Hotel on the Greek island of Paros.

4. Skip the wedding planner. Our simple accommodations were owned by a jolly Greek woman named Maria and her adult son Stavros. She adopted us when we arrived and planned an authentic, Ancient Greek wedding complete with borrowed togas, head wreaths of laurel vines, and a Greek Orthodox priest who couldn’t speak English. The ceremony took place outside a chapel on a hill overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. Priceless.

5. Skip the buffet line. Our hostess cooked an amazing meal to celebrate the wedding and invited all the other guests who were staying at the resort. Music was provided by a shy man pounding on a drum and the little one-eyed Greek who played a goat bladder. A few cases of wine completed the festivities, and we all danced until dawn.

6. Look beyond the body. At midlife, we have some wrinkles, age spots, receding hairlines, and flabby guts despite hundreds of sit-ups. But true love comes from within, in that deep, dark recess of the heart and mind that says “Take another chance. This time it will work.”

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Someday we’ll return to Paros and hike to the chapel overlooking the sea. We’ll celebrate another festive anniversary, with or without the goat bladder music.

If the Shoe Fits, Celebrate

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two shoes

 

Attention Shoe Manufacturers: Middle-age women have the resources and desire to purchase fashionable, comfortable shoes. Why don’t you make any?

I’m attending a conference at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Resort in Nashville, Tennessee. This resort is so huge that my room is a zip code away from the conference center. I needed to drop little packets of breath mints to trace the way back. Such an ordeal requires shoes that are practical as well as pretty. Good luck with that.

While packing for the trip, I had no problem choosing the outfits, coordinating accessories, and mandatory bags of trail mix to fool myself into thinking I would eat healthy on the trip. (Those little bags have at least 100 chocolate M&M candies.) However, selecting the appropriate shoes gave me heartburn on top of the candy.

two shoes

The open-toed pair with the 3-inch heels looked elegant and classy; the perfect choice for my sophisticated suit. But I knew they were 2-hour shoes for a 12-hour work day, and I couldn’t tolerate that much pain. My other choice was my favorite Joseph Seibel slip-ons. This comfortable pair could go 18 hours, but the flat, wedged heel was borderline ready for the retirement home. After two minutes of intense contemplation, the heels were returned to the closet. Comfort won.

I’ve always assumed shoes were made to cover the feet and to help people scamper over rocks, bugs, and dog poop. Now we’ve evolved into this shoe-worshiping cult where women trade the mortgage and their first-born child for a pair of Christian Louboutin red-soled shoes, and doting grandmas buy expensive baby shoes for a new grandbaby who will wear them once and then wonder 18 years later how to pay for college.

And women can’t strut away with all the blame. Men are paying $560 for a pair of Gucci hi-top sneakers, and Lucchese offers a pair of alligator belly cowboy boots for $10,513. The guy who wears those boots will never come within 100 miles of a real rodeo. And if he did, the true cowboys with manure on their boots and callouses on their hands would throw him into the water trough and barter the boots for beer.

Fancy, high-heeled, pointed-toed shoes are designed for young people who don’t walk. They just stand around and look fetching. If I need to change from my fuzzy slippers to anything with a sole, it’s because I have places to go. My feet are not pointed so why should I cram a rectangle foot into a triangle? My small feet do their best to support my mature frame, so why should I teeter on a teeny heel and hope I didn’t fall down and roll my ankle? My wine budget cut into my spending money so why should I pay $300 for two inches of leather that will be out of style in six months?

Insert the best word: As middle-age women (1) age, (2) ripen, (3) no longer give a damn, we have the bold ability to say (1) don’t judge my flip flops, (2) kiss my bunion, (3) the only good stiletto is one used as a weapon. We scoff at the young fashionistas skittering about on 6-inch heels, knowing someday they’ll end up at the bottom of the stairs with a broken heel and a wounded ego. Been there, done that.

So, it’s with a final plea that I implore the shoe industry to cobble some creative, cute, and comfy shoes for us. We’ll buy them. And if you throw in trail mix with M&Ms, we’ll get two pairs.

 

 

 

Call for Submissions: Midlife Anthology

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elaine 2013 (57)MPP logo

Mill Park Publishing is announcing a “Call for Submissions” for a new anthology to be published in paperback and e-book format in early 2016.

 

The working title is Feisty after 45 – The Best Blogs from Midlife Women
Women bloggers over the age of 44 are encouraged to enter a favorite blog to be considered for the anthology.
•Paperback and e-book due in early 2016
•1200 words maximum
•Deadline June 1, 2015
•Selected entries receive $25 and one book
•Entry form on www.millparkpublishing.com or www.elaineambrose.com
Books published by Mill Park Publishing of Eagle, Idaho have won 14 awards in the past three years. A portion of the sales proceeds goes to charity. Mill Park Publishing also organizes and offers writing retreats for women. The company is owned by author Elaine Ambrose.  www.elaineambrose.com
ENTRY FORM:
Mill Park Publishing features award-wining books written by women. The anthology Little White Dress featured 26 women writers and won the Bronze Medal for Womens Issues from the Independent Publisher Book Awards Program in 2012. This new anthology Feisty after 45will include blogs written by women over the age of 44. Categories will be humor, inspiration, grandchildren, eldercare, travel, and personal growth.
We’re seeking positive stories that will appeal to middle-aged women. Please don’t send any articles about specific religions, politics, home-based businesses, or rants. Recipes are accepted, but should be correct. Poems also are accepted.
Mill Park Publishing follows the First North American Publication Rights (FNAPR). By submitting your piece to Mill Park Publishing, you are verifying that Mill Park Publishing has the right to be the first in North America to publish the material once. Then, unless you’ve granted other rights or licenses as well, all copyright to that material reverts back to you. If your submission is not accepted, all copyright to that material remains with the author. By submitting you piece, you are verifying that Mill Park Publishing has the right to publish this submission in media platforms known and yet to be discovered. Selected entries will receive $25 and one book after publication. Additional books and e-books will be available for purchase.
Complete and paste this form into an email. Attach proposed entry in a word document. Email to: elaine@millparkpublishing.com
Name (first and last as it will appear in print): _______________________________________________________________________
Address (street, city, town, zip): _______________________________________________________________________
Email: _______________________________________________________________________
Name of Blog or website: _______________________________________________________________________
Circle appropriate category: humor – inspiration – grandchildren – eldercare – travel – personal growth
(One submission per person, please.)
100-word Biography:
Complete entry form and email with attached word document to elaine@millparkpublishing.com by June 1, 2015.

 

 

 

10 Ways to Add Humor to a Serious Workplace

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(This post was featured on the Huffington Post Comedy Page, March 2, 2015)

happy woman worker

 

Jennifer was a customer service representative for a large technology firm. Though her dreams and aspirations never included sitting in a padded cubicle listening to rude customers, that’s what she did for eight hours a day. Usually, the problems were related to consumer ignorance, and she would patiently instruct them to put in a battery or plug the device into an electrical outlet. To keep her sanity, she used a collection of finger puppets on her desk and pretended the callers were puppets. Then she could see and talk to the clown or the pig or the snooty lady bouncing on her finger. She used humor to survive.

From Shakespeare to the comic strip character Dilbert, ordinary characters rely on comedy to endure the struggles of life and death. As Mercutio lies dying in the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet his last words are, “A plague on both your houses! They have made worm’s meat of me!” Then he laughs and dies. That’s a morbidly funny line. Worm’s meat? Would that really be a man’s last thought? Shakespeare is playing with the audience so the tragedy won’t be too horrific.

In the passionate and wildly popular Broadway musical Les Miserables, we’re exhausted as we witness the endless pain and terrible turmoil of characters who just want to live one more day to fulfill their destiny. Then just before we sink into a deep depression, the drunken innkeeper and his wife burst onto the stage with a hilarious rendition of “Master of the House.” The audience cheers with gratitude for the temporary emotional reprieve.

In a favorite Dilbert cartoon, the intern Asok is killed and reincarnated as a candy bar. Office workers can relate to Asok, but the episode made us laugh anyway. Why? We’re amused because nothing diffuses daily drama like a boisterous belly laugh. Studies prove laughter can reduce stress, increase creativity and lessen tensions. Happy people are healthier than crabby people, and they’re a lot more fun to be around. Jovial people can tackle problems with a positive attitude while pessimistic whiners only take up space while wasting time and life by drafting hate mail and threatening law suits.

Just in case you meet or work with nasty people who only exist to bring pain and suffering to the world, here are some suggestions for using humor to diffuse stressful situations.

1. Before going to a serious meeting, walk by an outside playground and listen to the laughter of the children. Try to recapture that exuberant feeling of having fun. You don’t have to install a swing set in your office to remember how it feels to swing high and almost touch the clouds.

2. Cheerfully empathize with people who drive you crazy. Maybe the coworker who criticizes your work has an intolerable life at home or is caring for a sick child. That would explain his or her irritating behavior. Or, the coworker could just be truly obnoxious and you should stay away from them as much as possible.

3. If you’re in a tense meeting and tempers are flaring, stand up and wave a white flag. Threaten to send everyone to “time out” if they can’t get along. Your boss may not approve of your actions, but it could lighten the mood.

4. If you’re unfortunate enough to be placed on a rigid committee that can’t find consensus on anything, carry a jester’s hat in your briefcase. As emotions escalate and you’d rather break for lunch, just don the hat and announce that you are Feste the Fool of Shakepeare’s Twelfth Night. Dramatically sing his immortal line: “Come away, come away death!” You’ll all be laughing your way through the lunch line.

5. If you’re cursed enough to be deemed in charge of the office holiday party, know in advance that you cannot please everyone and that you are doomed to failure. Just emulate the television show Seinfeld. During one politically correct episode, they organized a “Festivus for the Rest of Us” party where they celebrated nothing. It worked.

6. Share the joy by driving to work wearing a clown nose. At the stoplight, look over and smile at the people in the next car. You’ll brighten their day because they’ll laugh on their way to work, or else they’ll report you to the police. That’s OK because the noses come off quickly.

7. Employ popular tricks and tactics that you use with your family to improve negative situations at work. If your assistant gets an important report done on time, give him an extra-long lunch hour. Legal bribery works wonders, and you’re both happier.

8. Never forget that there are people who want you to be miserable. They may want your job or your car or your spouse. They will publicly criticize you and make your life miserable. Just laugh at the situation and be thankful the person isn’t your parent. However, if it is your parent, get some professional therapy.

9. Never forget that there are people who want you to be happy. You should belong to some social, professional or civic organizations where you can mingle with supportive people who share your values, skills and aspirations. Just ignore Groucho Marx’s famous comment that he would never belong to a club that would have him as a member.

10. Silence is goal-oriented. While it can be fun to slay the competition with a well-placed witticism, sometimes it’s best to pick your battles, remain silent and allow the adversary to publicly prove that she’s a fool. If she goes into a tirade, concentrate on her left ear and imagine it’s a donkey’s ear. You will look cool, calm and collected while she self-destructs faster than the Wicked Witch of the West. You can make your sly comments after you’re promoted.

The best advice is to know that if you’re wallowing with the pigs, get out of the sty. You don’t have to tolerate uncomfortable, hostile or abusive treatment, and if you’re not occasionally laughing at work, you can’t work. Consider a department change or pursue educational opportunities for advancement. If you’re going to live to be 100, you might as well enjoy the journey. And don’t forget to pack your sense of humor.

Make Your Own Music

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musical notes

I grew up listening to The Captain and Tennille singing about “Muskrat Love” and The Carpenters warbling “Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad.”

I believe those two songs were solely responsible for the rise of heavy metal bands and for Black Sabbath’s song “Electric Funeral” about nuclear annihilation. It’s all about balance.

Music should be an important part of your life, and never be ashamed of grabbing the karaoke microphone and warbling a festive tune from 1980. Add the eager passion of a professional soloist despite knowing that when the sun rises you won’t be able to carry a tune in a punch bowl. But for a brief moment, when the evening is full of untainted potential, you’ll become a soulful crooner for all the ages, sharing your song with the universe.

Your challenge is to keep the music playing.

Keep the music playing long after the party is over, the bills are past-due, and a recording contract is still elusive. The late comedian George Carlin said, “It’s called The American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” His acerbic humor nailed it. How can you sing a joyful song when life keeps dumping junk on your head? Maybe you’re unemployed or in a lousy job, or you haven’t had any loving since 2008, or your dog ran away. Look on the bright side – you could write Country Western songs!

Music and mood are closely interrelated — listening to a sad or happy song alters your moods and has the ability to change your perception of the world around you. For example, gothic metal music makes me want to damage something with a chain saw, while a classical aria causes me to (almost) levitate with elation. In a stressful situation, a little dose of “Walking on Sunshine” could be all it takes to relieve the tension.

Here are some exercises to prove that music alters your mood.

Imagine seeing and hearing the following scenarios:

You’re struggling in the steaming jungles of Vietnam as you hear the foreboding song “The End” by The Doors as played in the movie Apocalypse Now. Then you’re drinking alone in a dark bar as a Billie Holiday impersonator croons “Gloomy Sunday.” You claw out of a deep depression only to hear Kansas singing “Dust in the Wind.” By now you should be wallowing on the floor, sobbing in anguish about the wretched world.

Now, pretend you’re twirling on a panoramic Austrian mountain meadow singing “The Sound of Music” with Julie Andrews. You’re even wearing a summer dress with a festive apron. Then transport yourself to a sunny beach listening to the jaunty tune of Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Finally, turn up the volume on “Chariots of Fire” or “Rocky.” Yo, Adrian! Are you smiling yet?

No matter what festivity or calamity is in your future, you should have a song or two ready to suit the occasion.

If you can’t find the perfect tune, create your own. Add it to your bucket list to make your own music by the end of the year.  Don’t worry if you’re unsure about writing a song. Remember the immortal lyrics of that famous song that rose to #4 on the Billboard Charts – “Now he’s tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now, anything goes as they wriggle, Sue starts to giggle.” That song includes synthesized sound effects simulating muskrat copulation. Yes, you can do better!

Matriarch in the Making

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Not Gonna Dig Itself xx (1)

 

(My guest blog is from funny lady and sassy cartoonist Amy Sherman, creator of Kranky Kitty (www.krankykitty.biz). We met last year at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and performed for the stand-up comedy night program. She makes me laugh.)

Sometimes a promotion is well-l­earned and welcomed. But sometimes the promotion comes without perks, only pity. Some promotions are best avoided as long as physically possible.

When a parent crosses the bridge to whatever-­the-­hell is over there, the natural conclusion is the offspring are next in line. Makes total sense. But when my number is the “next up” by this natural order of things, it is a tad unsettling. Disturbing, even. I’m not into natural. I dye my hair. I bleach my teeth. I Photoshop every picture I take before posting to any public venue. So the “natural” order of things can stuff it!

I feel lucky enough to have made it past age fifty, closing in on sixty. I don’t feel my age. Nobody does, with any luck. My mental age is about 35-­40 years younger. And I like it that way. Maturity can mean many things. I choose to remain immature as long as society will allow, before having me certified and caged.

So when the previous generation related by blood, or marriage, moves on to the next plane, I don’t need anyone reminding me of my place in line. Feel free to cut in front. Anytime. Reminders can be very subtle, or hit you over the head like a death scythe. When your kids stop giving you shit and start treating you with a tender respect, I say “No!” Stop being nice. You’re scaring me. And I don’t scare easily. Until now.

When I forget something inane, I don’t need to see the secretive glances and eye connections implying, “It’s starting….” or “She’s slipping.” Sometimes, people simply forget shit. It isn’t a call to arms for an Alzheimer’s intervention. I haven’t had a good brain for recollecting facts or movie plots since high school. Unless it was a personal attack or affront. I remember almost every mean thing that was ever said or done to me. So I WILL remember these “concerned” looks and nods as my loved ones over­analyze every trip I make.

Just because my bowel movements are front and center in the planning, or execution of my daily routine, doesn’t mean I am sliding towards home, people. And when I say things like, “this world is going to hell in a hand basket,” don’t assume I’m a FOX News fan. Age does offer some perspective. Some things were better in the past, but I never want to live in it.

I am well aware of my place in line and I don’t need any of you young whippersnappers eyeballing me like you know it. You’d best hope I hang in there as long as possible, because if there is one thing I am sure of, you will be next. So show a little respect and don’t add to the notion that each generation must pass on in due order. The only thing I plan to pass on is another colonoscopy. What’s the point? I’m almost dead anyway.

amy shurman

Friend Amy on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/KrankyKitty