Elaine Ambrose

Don’t you just love April Fool’s Day jokes? My last pregnancy was in 1980 – and a hysterectomy in 1999 pretty much guaranteed that I’ll never again feel that fabulous and frightening faint flutter of a fascinating fetus forming within my female factory.Sunday, I was the keynote speaker at a meeting of 150 college coeds from the University of Idaho and Washington State University. It was a bit intimidating to be the wrinkled crone in the midst of such youth, beauty, and brilliance. I formulated the speech as I drove over 300 miles from Boise to Pullman, Washington. Using the analogy of preparing for the journey of life, I talked about how we all get prepared for the trip: gas in the car, coat, toothbrush, etc., but we still don’t know what obstacles we’ll face before arriving at the final destination. Sure enough, I encountered horrible weather, complete with snow, freezing sleet, rain, and slush. But every so often, the clouds parted and the sun broke through to reveal majestic mountains and blankets of snow that sparkled like sheets of diamonds.I was playing my favorite music – Sarah Brightman, Il Divo, Latin Jazz, Bette Midler, and a collection of movie tunes. There’s something spiritual about driving through the Idaho mountains while listening to the theme song from “Out of Africa.” But the attitude gets downright defiant when Bette starts belting out “I’m Beautiful, Damnit!” I have to use cruise control on that one or I’d be driving 90 miles an hour and fly right off the Whitebird Grade!Just a few miles from my destination, I was getting eager for the six-hour trip to end. Then some idiot passed me on a hill, almost driving me off the road and spraying gravel and slush on the car. And there I was without a cannon attached to the hood so I could blast the rude pest from the road! Ironically, at the first stop light I was directly behind the obnoxious punk. I had two choices: ram the back of his car, rip him out onto the road, and stomp on his ugly head – or laugh. Wisely, I chose to laugh. He was just a kid and had decades ahead of him to worry about jobs, careers, family, and how to drive with sanity. I on the other hand had survived too many decades to fret about such youthful concerns.Anyway, the speech fell into place and we talked about our journeys and the paths we take. Yes, there will be crap, stress, irritating people, and pain, but also there will be brilliant and breathtaking moments of success, beauty, anticipation, and glory. These young women seemed amazed that someone so incredibly old could actually speak without drooling or belching. I saved that for the trip home.

Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2005 Merryvale Beckstoffer Vineyard red wine from Napa Valley. This wine is a magnificent blend of Cabernet, Merlot, and Cabernet Franc. At $75, it’s a choice between fine wine and a pair of shoes, but it’s my daughter’s birthday so a celebration is in order.

My daughter is celebrating her 30th birthday. How can that be? Wasn’t it only yesterday that I sewed her a little dress to match my own homemade blouse? Didn’t I just tote her in a backpack to explore the great outdoors – and then dig a live wasp out of her mouth? I still remember the piano recitals, the dance exhibits, and the stage performances. I was the obnoxious mother in the front row with the camera. (Now she’s toting her own baby girl… along with the camera and hopes and dreams.)To celebrate her birthday, I took her to “Menopause the Musical.” It’s hilarious and we laughed together. The musical reminded her to enjoy life now before middle age brings the challenges of incontinence, sagging skin, weight gain, memory lapse, and mood swings. After our evening, I was so happy I rushed home to sew us matching outfits. Do you think she’ll be surprised?

Today I heard from my publisher – Menopause Sucks will be released on July 8, 2008. I got so excited that I spontaneously burst into an authentic Zulu tribal celebration dance, which is interesting because I’ve never seen such a dance. However, I did attend many barn dances and hootenannies back in Wendell, Idaho.Anyway, I co-authored this book with bestselling author Joanne Kimes. In case you want to know what important topics are covered in this serious book, here’s a preview:Jumping Off Your Mood SwingHow to Milk Your Emotions to Get What You WantTender, Traveling TittiesCoping with ConstipationIncredible IncontinenceVexing Vaginal DrynessHow to Tell if You’re Forgetful or Heading for the Looney BinHow New Shoes Can Prevent Brain AtrophyHow to Talk Dirty and Go from Ice Queen to Horn Dog!Now You Can Sneeze, Fart, and Wet Your Pants – All at the Same Time!How to Survive Menopause without Killing AnyoneYahoo! It’s Time to Toss the Tampons and Burn the Birth Control Pills!Yes, those are just some of the interesting and enlightening subjects in this great literary work. You can pre-order the book on Amazon.com. Just click on the link at the left. Or, plan on coming to one of the premiere parties this summer. Schedule to be announced.

Tonight’s blog was fueled by JUST ONE glass of 2005 “Q” Cabernet Sauvignon from Sonomoa County. The wine is only around $18 a bottle and has a strong flavor of bing cherry. Thus it serves as my fruit for the day.

Every Monday evening for seven more weeks you can be part of a live online class presented by Oprah and the author of the book A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. I decided to sign up for the class because I’m curious to know if my life’s purpose involves more than driving fast, telling stories, and drinking red wine. Besides, I’m starting to worry about this age thing – I feel like I’m treading water in the deep and desperate end of the age pool, my body is falling apart, and my brain can’t remember the ingredients for a BLT.Last night’s class took about 90 minutes, so I poured a glass of wine and settled in with my copy of the book and the worksheets (available on oprah.com.) Eckhart Tolle, the author, explained some profound facts, such as “Worry pretends to be necesssary, but serves no useful purpose.” I was contemplating his words and was on the verge of one of Oprah’s “ah-ha” moments when he started talking about the ego. “Your ego lives in a constant state of not enough. The ego makes us over-eat, over-spend, and over-indulge.” Instead of being enlightened, I was convicted. Why was he talking about me? I sipped my wine and pondered his words. Then Oprah took a call from a woman in Berlin who claimed that the book had saved her life and helped her to stop drinking so much wine. My immediate reaction was to demand a refund for the class, take my wine and walk out. But, I didn’t have to pay for it and I was already home, so I kept listening. The author extolled the virtues of consciously enjoying a single glass of wine every now and then. Only one at a time! Every now and then! That’s like eating one M&M! Or one potato chip! Who can do that?Well, by the end of the class I had a better understanding of the author’s advice. Here are some of his other statements:”Treat rude people as royalty and then watch them change.” “The primary moment in your life is NOW. Accept it as it is.””Some people are addicted to the energy of unhappiness. Ego loves drama.”These statements make me think – so much that it hurts my brain. I have to rest it now and go have only one glass of wine. (He didn’t say how big the glass could be so maybe I’ll use a glass mixing bowl. But, I will contemplate and savor the experience and consciously enjoy every indulgent sip.) – See more at: http://www.test.elaineambrose.com/blog/oprahs-class-hurts-my-brain#sthash.Ut3VoIgT.dpuf