Middle-aged women are entitled to an occasional Snark Attack so they can stomp on civility and ridicule annoying behavior. This happened recently as I was reading messages on Facebook and then indignantly scoffed at some of the dramatic and ridiculous hyperbole. Because I live to serve, here is some wise advice for dealing with the top ten examples of egregious exaggerations.
- To die for! Someone wrote that she saw some shoes to die for. Even a minimal amount of astute observation would conclude that if the person really died, then she couldn’t wear the shoes. Plus, the sentence ended in a preposition which is the absolute worst grammatical error in the entire world! Don’t have friends who offer to die for shoes or dessert.
- I’m starving! This comment usually comes from someone who doesn’t know or care that one third of the world’s population really is starving. He or she should visit our abundant grocery stores and then take a few bags to the homeless shelter because some local people are hungry.
- Share this message or burn in hell! Never send or forward these threats. When it’s time for my Final Judgment Day, there is an enormous list of transgressions and trespasses for which I need atonement. Those times I didn’t share a Facebook message won’t even make the top 100.
- She lost a ton of weight! No she didn’t, unless she weighed over 2,000 pounds. If she really did, then by all means celebrate with her.
- This is the worst day ever! Au contraire, Sweet Cheeks. There will be days that are horrific in comparison to today just as there will be glorious days in the future. That’s life.
- Men suck! Well, sometimes they do. And, sometimes women do, too.
- Mondays suck! Hey, you’re employed and there are many people who would take your job in a heartbeat. Stop whining and get to work.
- If this won’t make you cry, you don’t have a heart. Wrong. I have a heart because I’m alive to read this and it didn’t make me cry. I don’t want to feel heartless so I won’t read such items anymore.
- OMG! This abbreviation for “Oh, my God!” only should be used for events of Biblical magnitude. Watching a vampire movie doesn’t qualify.
- Cutest Puppy (Kitten, Grandchild, Prom Dress, Gall Bladder) Ever! No, not really. But, I’ll smile at all your family photos and then post some of my own just to prove how cute some grandkids can be.
After pontificating about exaggerated expressions, my Snark Attack disappeared for a week or so. I returned to reading the many messages and posts from friends and associates, secure in the knowledge that we would never criticize or mock each other’s messages. Except for the note from a dieting friend who said she was hungry enough to eat a horse. I almost died laughing over that one.
Today’s blog was fueled by a bottle of 2010 Ferrari-Carano Merlot. You’ll love the velvety, smooth texture of this wine, the complex nose of blackberries and cedar, and the full-bodied flavor with hints of bittersweet cinnamon and mocha. It’s available at Crush Wine Bar in Eagle for $35 a bottle. Join the wine club and get it for $29. It’s to die for!
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