I’ll probably be “unfriended” by some teenage acquaintances and/or receive several emails criticizing me for being an old fart, but I can’t stop wondering and worrying about some of today’s young women. I’d like to subpoena a few of them, cloister them in a room under a bright spotlight, and begin with the following inquisition:
- Why are you so incredibly boy-crazy? Your Facebook posts magnify your desperate angst about (a) finding, (b) pleasing, or (c) losing a male. Then you repeat (a), (b), and (c.) Thirty years ago, women worked overtime and never took a sick day so we could prove that we were strong, independent, equal to men, and could use our skills to support ourselves and our children. Your woeful insecurity mocks our valiant efforts for self-reliance. Please know that the confident women of my generation never begged for a relationship because men were attracted to our strength and competence.
- What’s with the slutty clothes? Yes, I’m old and my body is waging a war against gravity so I can’t wear today’s hip fashions. Yet, I don’t understand why you think it’s appropriate or cool to wear clothes that accentuate muffin tops, camel toes, and flopping cleavage. Really, it is unattractive.
- Why don’t you know basic grammar? Some of you seem to be illiterate and that will hinder future job potential and prohibit any invitation to mingle with people who can communicate using complete sentences. In writing, you don’t know the correct usage of your and you’re or it’s and its. I cringe every time I read a post that slobbers, “Your the best!” I take out a hammer and smack my fingers so I won’t retort, “You’re the uneducated.”
- Why do you listen to music and watch movies that degrade women? I don’t want to be called a “Ho” over 100 times in some rambling rap, and I refuse to patronize a film that shows weak women craving the evil touch of an unfaithful, bloodsucking vampire. At least Hunger Games portrayed a strong, fierce female. Please, take archery lessons.
- Why don’t you celebrate your youthful glory? Enjoy life now before your body and mind turn into wobbly sacks of tepid mush. I exercise five days a week just to keep my boobs from falling below my navel. I do crossword puzzles so my brain will be alert enough to remember the ingredients for a BLT. And I read books – they are handheld, bound publications of pages with printed words that tell a story or give advice. Try them sometime.
I acknowledge that there are many intelligent, talented, and confident teenage women who will survive and thrive without my rants and lectures. I eagerly cheer them on their journey and ask that they shine as examples for those anxious young girls who don’t give a rip about their potential and only care about the latest cowboy who saunters into town. Show them that they shouldn’t squander the vibrancy and opportunities of youth or they could become bitter old women. Take it from an old friend: The best is yet to come and it’s well worth the wait.
Today’s blog is fueled by a 2009 Dusted Valley BFM red wine from Walla Walla. This moderately priced wine is another great find from Washington, and comes from the Wahluke Slope of the Stone Tree Vineyard. I really need a road trip to Walla Walla.