Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Midlife Cabernet: So, Who Needs some Laughter and Libations?

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When was the last time you laughed until you snorted and then lost body fluids? Do you want to get away from toxic, bitter people who are mad at the world and blame their wretched existence on everyone else? Are you ready to claw out of your mundane routine and revel in a delightful evening with a New York Times bestselling humor author, a nationally-known comedienne, and two local fun writers? You are in great luck!

Come to a comedy show titled “Life Sucks Laugh Hard” on Tuesday, June 18 at Beside Bardenay, 612 Grove Street in downtown Boise. The festivities begin at 7:00 pm and end around 10:00 pm. Tickets are $20, available at www.LifeSucksLaughHard.com. You also can buy tickets at the door. The program is sponsored by Mill Park Publishing of Eagle.

The titles of these authors’ books should give you a clue that this show is for ages 18 and above. That means no kids. Not even one.

Laurie Notaro is the New York Times bestselling author, and she has a new book titled The Potty Mouth at the Table. She was a keynote speaker last year at the Idaho Writers and Readers Rendezvous, and many who heard her still have sides that ache from all the laughter. She will read from her books and regale the audience with hilarious stories.

Stacy Dymalski is a standup comedienne, and she commands five-figure speaking fees. We’re only paying her with laughter and a two-figure honorarium so please come and reward her with loud clapping and foot stomping. She is the author of Confessions of a Band Geek Mom, and she will explain how life as a comic prepared her for motherhood.

AK Turner (our own Amanda Turner) is the author of This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store and her new book, Mommy Had a Little Flask. AK and I are the co-authors of two great literary works, Drinking with Dead Women Writers and Drinking with Dead Drunks. We really shared drinks with Jane Austen, the Bronte Sisters, Edgar Allan Poe, and Ernest Hemingway. Really. I’ll also read from my book, Menopause Sucks, and from my forthcoming book, Midlife Cabernet.

The four of us will tell stories, read from our books, sip enormous quantities of wine, and sign books for sale. You get to mingle with happy people, enjoy appetizers, and laugh yourself silly. There will be no-host bar with a wonderful array of adult beverages. Best of all, no crabby people are allowed! They can go wallow in a pathetic pity party while we giggle and grin. We win.

Men are more than welcome to attend our fun event. Alan Heathcock, the award-winning author of VOLT, will be the intrepid master of ceremonies. He would appreciate some guys there to join him in this energized evening of entertainment and readings from four funny ladies. We hope to see you there. Taxis will be available for hire to take you home.

Today’s blog is fueled by a bottle of 2009 Domaine Eden Cabernet Sauvignon. This California wine is a rich, velvety blend of Cabernet, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Petit Verdot, and Malbec. It won the taste test this week against a French Bordeaux at Crush Wine Bar in Eagle. The retail price is $53, but it’s $44 for members of the Wine Club.

Today’s Cabernet

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Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2005 Charles Krug Merlot from Napa Valley. This wine is a tasty blend of Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Malbec, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Petit Verdot. It’s only $22 a bottle and is worth every sip. This wine offers a complex texture, flavors of wild berry and roasted pecans, and has a strong finish. I only intended to have one glass to get me through the presidential debate, but after today’s economic news and the flat performance by both candidates, I consumed another glass. And then a half.

Midlife Cabernet: Sucking Fat

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“This is the most fat I have ever removed!” The perky doctor greeted me as I woke from a drug-induced slumber. I tried to focus as she held out a surgical napkin holding two plump lines of slime that resembled skinned worms.

“Look at this!” She seemed breathless. “All this came from under your eyes!”

I was still groggy. “Can you imagine what you’d get if you sucked out my belly!” I muttered. “You’d need to bring in a wheelbarrow and a shovel!”

She was giddy about her prize and ran off to show the other doctors who proceeded to gasp and look over at me. Yes, that’s the day I became known as the Obese Eye Lady of St. Luke’s Hospital – the one who produced the most eyeball fat ever removed in the history of a medical procedure known as blepharoplasty. I waved and went back to sleep, wondering how in the hell I could get more of the delightful drugs.

The next day, I woke to find a raccoon staring back at me in the mirror. The hideous bruises under my eyes were black and looked as if I had been the loser in a brawl at the women’s prison. For the next four weeks, those bruises migrated slowly down my cheeks, turning green and then yellow, until they landed on my chin, which by then was sprouting a scraggly beard.

After about a month, the bruises went away – just about the time that the bags returned, as if to mock the thousands of dollars I had spent on the procedure. Once again I can hide martini olives under the bags beneath my eyes. Maybe I can create an exercise to remove the fat – or maybe I can just accept them as part of who I am and how I look. I’ll go with the second choice.

(This excerpt is from my book Midlife Cabernet. That title is so much better than the original working title of Elderly Wino. The book will be released in late fall, and will include portions of this blog from the past few years.)

Today’s blog is fueled by a 2010 Ferrari-Carano Merlot from Sonoma County. This complex wine offers flavors of dark chocolate and caramel with a touch of spice. It’s best enjoyed with roasted meat following any surgical procedure. Find it at Crush Wine Bar in Eagle for $35 – or $29 for members of their wine club.

Food for Thought during Menopause

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Wouldn’t it be great if you asked your doctor how to deal with menopausal symptoms and she told you to eat plenty of chocolate and blueberry scones, and then wash it all down with copious amounts of red wine? unfortunately, menopause may bring a gaggle of gruesome maladies, including hot flashes, dull skin, memory loss, and flatulence, but chocolate, flakey baked good, and dry wine won’t do anything to ease the pain (at least in the long run). Fortunately, there are some foods that will help combat the effects of menopause: Increase your soy intake. Recent studies indicate that middle-aged women who consumed at least three soy products a day reported positive benefits for their hearts and bones. soy protein also can improve skin, hair, and nails. Once considered a tasteless waste of chewing, today’s soy products include flavorful foods, such as soy cereal and roasted soy nuts. soy products also can reduce hot flash frequency. Fish fat makes you fabulous. Studies show that middle-aged people who consumed omega-3 fats on a regular basis scored higher on memory tests. These fats can be found in flaxseed, salmon, sardines, tuna, and in fish oil supplements. Drink green tea. Rich in antioxidants, green tea is good for strong bones and a healthy heart. studies show that several cups of green tea every day can decrease the risk of stroke by 69 percent. you’ll also get your exercise by running to the bathroom all day. Cool it on the hot sauce. If you live anywhere south of the north Pole, you’ll probably suffer from hot flashes and night sweats. To help alleviate the problem, eliminate spicy foods and caffeine from your diet. eat more fresh vegetables and fruit, and don’t go to bed on a full stomach. Hydrate your health. Drink six to eight glasses of water every day to help keep your skin clear and supple. Water also can reduce problems associated with cramping and constipation. and, nobody wants to be remembered as the cramping, bloated, wrinkled old woman who didn’t drink enough water. If you are what you eat, then i’m a deep-fried Twinkie. But, in a defiant effort to live long enough to irritate my great-grandchildren, i’ve decided to improve my diet, increase my exercise, and make it through menopause without hurting someone. it’s a lofty goal.

Today’s Cabernet

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Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass – or two – of 2005 Kendall-Jackson Vintner’s Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon from Santa Rosa, CA. It’s only $18 a bottle and a wine I’ve enjoyed for several years. Actually, it was comfort food after my recent move. Who needs warm soup when you can sip on an old favorite?

Midlife Cabernet: Watering the Artificial Flowers

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This week I visited Mom at her care facility, and we enjoyed a bland, soft-food lunch in the pleasant dining room. During the meal she dumped her water glass into the vase of plastic flowers on the table, explaining that the blossoms lasted longer that way. I nodded in agreement.

I’ve finally learned to accept such actions. Over the past few years, it’s been a struggle for me to acknowledge her mental deterioration. There has been a cadre of physical therapists to keep her active, various puzzles and workbooks to challenge her brain, and regular family activities with the grandchildren and their children. Despite our best efforts, she is slipping away.

I reached acceptance one day as I was trying to teach her how to use the television remote control. Finally she burst into tears.

“I can’t do it!” she cried.

Not even her love of the Lawrence Welk Show could motivate her to remember how to push the power button and then the correct channel button. So I stopped trying, and we’re both happier. The patient, loving staff now assist her on Saturday nights at 7:00 pm to turn on the television. She still wonders why Mr. Welk never seems to age.

Her small but tidy room is covered with family photographs, but now the pictures have name tags because she can’t always remember who they are. I often find her staring out the window, lost in some memory. She’ll look at me with confusion until she recalls I’m her daughter. I know there will come a time when I’m just another nice person who comes to visit.

My unspoken fear is that I may duplicate the scene with my children, and that thought brings me to tears. For now, I’ll make the journey to Wendell, back to the hometown, to make small talk with my mother. And, we will continue to water the artificial flowers.

Today’s blog is fueled by a 2010 Joseph Laurence Charbono from the Frediani Vineyard in Napa Valley. The Charbono grape originated in France and produces a dark, intense wine with a distinct character. Find details at www.thomasmichaelcellars.com.