Menopause Sucks will be released nationally on July 8. (There’s still time to pre-order on Amazon.com so you can be the first on your block to enjoy this literary masterpiece.)Here are some excerpts:”It’s just a crying shame that you could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges.””In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!””As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.””It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat.”(Note: Copyright material – no using without permission. Just buy the book.)
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Today’s Cabernet
Today’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2006 Montevina, a blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot from the San Lorenzo region of Mexico. It’s my duty through serious market research to sample wine from other countries. Besides, the handsome waiter named Carlos recommended this “vino tinto.” The bottle cost $34 at a restaurant in Acapulco and was paired with a yummy antipasto with fresh melon wrapped in procuitto and crusty bruchetta smeared with pesto sauce.
Mexican Jumping Beings
So we get away to Acapulco to relax and watch the ocean. Sunday night around 7 p.m. we’re sipping a cocktail at the outdoor lounge when suddenly the drinks start dancing on the table. Then the table starts doing the shimmy across the floor. Damn, I must give up drinking. Then my chair begins to move around. ¡Carumba! It’s an earthquake!We debated the choices: run for higher ground to avoid a tsunami, but our passports and cash are locked in the safe in the room. But if the power goes out we can’t get into the room or open the safe. Then we would be trapped on the fifth floor as it crashed down. The best and most logical choice: stay put and finish our drinks.I didn’t sleep a wink that night because I was worried about earthquakes, tsunamis, and the fried tortilla that could send me running to the bathroom. We learned the next day that it was a 5.6 earthquake centered in Mexico City. Safe for another day, at least. We celebrated, of course, at the seaside cantina.
Today’s Cabernet
Today’s blog was fueled by a potent glass of 2000 Brunello di Montalcino from Castello Banfi in Italy. I love Brunello. It’s a vibrant explosion of flavors that include licorice, cherry, and spices. You can find it at Costco for $38 and more at wine shops. But let it breathe at least an hour. If you don’t have patience and need an instant sip, it will taste and smell like warm swamp water.
Midlife Cabernet: My Mirror Doesn’t Work
When my eyesight became weaker, I purchased a new lighted mirror with a 10X magnification so I could apply mascara without guessing the actual location of my eyelashes. The first time I looked into the mirror I screamed and jumped back in horror because there was a ghastly old woman staring back at me! I want my money – and my face – returned!
The illuminated, colossal reflection exaggerated the erratic road map of lines, wrinkles, and crevices that sprouted around my eyes like jagged lightning bolts surrounding deep, bloodshot sinkholes. Why didn’t someone tell me my face resembled a damp shirt that been forgotten in the dryer? At least my friends also have failing eyesight so they may not even notice.
I flipped the mirror over to the normal view and was relieved because my poor vision couldn’t detect any flaws. I prefer that side now. For security and insecurity purposes, I have taped a warning label into the magnified side of the mirror.
It’s called a vanity mirror for a reason, but I refuse to channel my inner Queen of the Snow White movie and ask the mirror on the wall who is the fairest one of all. I know the answer and not even a flamboyant skit by the jolly Seven Dwarfs could make me laugh now because that would just add more unwanted lines.
After surviving the shock of magnified reality, I looked again at my eyes. These green orbs have been dilated, examined, and corrected since I was ten years old. They have peered from dozens of ugly frames that included cat-eyes with rhinestones, black square nerd glasses, and delicate rimless beauties that cost a month’s mortgage and broke every time I sneezed. My eyes survived surgery for holes in both retinas and continued to work after a failed attempt at laser treatment. Best of all, these irreplaceable body parts have allowed me to write and read books and to see the wonders of the world.
These eyes cried with joy when I held my precious babies, widened with amazement when I visited 32 countries around the world, leaked buckets over physical and mental pain, and focused with passion as I stared into my husband’s loving eyes. Six decades of visions are stored within my memories as on-demand movies after a life full of adventure, tears, and laughter that I have been privileged to see and experience. I have earned each and every line around these well-worn eyes, and I intend to earn many more.
Next week I’ll don my newest pair of spectacles and prepare the list for our family Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll check favorite recipes and pull out the good dishes and silverware. I’ll arrange festive pumpkins and colorful leaves into a happy centerpiece and imagine the cacophony coming from the children’s table. Then on the day of the grand feast I’ll witness the generations gathered around the tables squabbling over the last drumstick. With the blessed ability to see, I’ll give thanks for the abundant vision before me.
Today’s blog was fueled by a 2011 Jacuzzi Barbera from Mendocino County, California. I found this complex and vibrant wine on a recent trip to wine country and recommend the explosion of tastes with flavors of blackberry, raspberry, strawberry, and vanilla. Preview their wines at www.jacuzziwines.com. And, it’s okay to pair red wine with turkey.
Humor in the Workplace
Here’s the link to my article that recently was printed in a national business publication. The introduction is:Humor in the Workplace: How to Get Serious about LaughterBy Elaine AmbroseDid you hear the joke about the priest, the prostitute, and the politician who walked into the employee break room? Probably not. While there is a time and a place for jokes, it’s a bad idea to attempt to be funny at work with stories featuring religion, sexuality, or politics. However, a well-timed anecdote about the befuddled customer who forgot his address can be the perfect icebreaker to dispel tension in a serious staff meeting. While timing should be considered, experts agree that laughter in the workplace can be a real asset to profitability and productivity. Humor in the Workplace
