Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Midlife Cabernet – Juice on the Loose

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When I was a little girl, meaning a long, long time ago, I witnessed my mother’s morning ritual of stepping onto a machine in her bedroom, securing a strap around her waist, and then flipping a switch that made her entire body shake like mud in a blender. Since then, I have suppressed these horrifying memories by consuming large bowls of peanut M&Ms and cases of red wine and by avoiding blenders. Even the noise of a fancy margarita machine can throw me into a catatonic panic attack that only can be soothed by a least two of the tasty frozen concoctions.

Fast forward fifty years and I am the card carrying member of the “Tried and Failed Every Diet on the Planet” club. To quote the late, great Erma Bombeck, “I keep trying to go on a diet, and I’ve tried going to the gym. I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzard followed them to their cars. And, in two decades, I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

In my spare time, that blessed moment between 1:00 and 2:00 p.m., I enjoy watching documentaries on Netflix because it’s easier to justify than watching soft porn. Lately, I’ve been hooked on food films. Now I’m scared to death about all the crap in our food. I grew up on a farm, and we ate our crops and our livestock (except for the horses.) Now, I worry that my grandkids will be polluted and poisoned with the garbage that passes as edible food. I’m relieved that their parents have gardens and limit their access to cookies and candy (except at my house.)

The last documentary I watched was “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” by Joe Cross. The show advocates the use of juicers, and it shows how obese, unhealthy people gave up chewing and became healthy, happy, productive members of society by drinking juice. For every meal. I immediately put down my box of Girl Scout cookies, mainly because it was empty, and vowed to try this plan. My friend was on the juice diet, and she looked great. (Of course, she was born beautiful, but that’s not the point.)

I had a $100 rebate from purchasing a pair of contacts. I took that with my 20-percent-off coupon to Bed, Bath and Beyond and ordered a Breville Juice Fountain Plus. With my rebate and coupon, it only cost $30. It arrived by mail the following week so I stocked up on red beets, celery, apples, cucumbers, spinach, ginger root, lemons, and peppers. It was great fun to watch whole apples and beets instantly whirl into juice. In an erroneous attempt to fool myself, I poured beet juice into a wine glass. Remember how we used to fool our babies by pretending the blob of baby food was on an airplane heading into their mouths? That didn’t work then, either. I regret corrupting my best wine glass.

After a few days, I was running a small juice factory and also running down the hall to the bathroom. I didn’t dare leave the house. I already knew the location of every public bathroom within a fifty mile radius from my home, but that wasn’t good enough. I thought about pulling a Porta-Potty on a trailer behind my car, but they don’t deliver and I knew I couldn’t make it to their store. So, I eased up a little on the amount and frequency. Now I only have juice once or twice a day. That leaves plenty of time to consume my other favorite juice. It’s made from fermented grapes.

Today’s blog was fueled by a bottle of 2008 Frei Brothers Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon from Alexander Valley. This wine is full-bodied (yuk,yuk) and offers tastes of dark berries, sweet vanilla and toasty oak. It’s about $25 at various stores. This wine pairs well with a cheese plate and a glass of juiced carrots, oranges and mint leaves. Really.

Midlife Cabernet – Imagine the Thrill of Drinking with Living Women Authors!

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You are invited to party with the sassy but clever authors of Drinking with Dead Women Writers.

For loads of laughter, literature with license, luscious lemon tarts, and liquid libations, come to the Premiere Party on Saturday, May 12 at Asiago’s Wine Bar for our new book Drinking with Dead Women Writers. Festivities begin at 3:00 pm with an Italian buffet featuring smoked salmon with Italian cheeses, rosemary crostini, Italian sausages with spiced tempura vegetables, scones and lemon-ginger donuts. (I recommend wearing black, baggy pants with a generous, elastic waistband – the staple garment that comprises half my wardrobe.) It’s all free if you purchase an autographed copy for $10 from the authors. Wow! You might as well purchase several copies. Mom would be SO excited to receive an autographed book for Mother’s Day.

Of course, you are more than welcome to purchase wine from the splendid selection offered at Asiago’s. (I’ll have a bottle of Mount Veeder Cabernet stashed under the table.) Please note that the authors will be thirsty, so feel free to bring them a drink and receive a unique gift of gratitude. The authors will read selections from their book and then join in the grand celebration. The official festivities conclude at 6:00 pm, but we all know that for some of us, the party never ends.

This fascinating book evolved after AK Turner and I met at Asiago’s last December for a Christmas glass of wine. Because we’ve never been able to enjoy just one glass, we always get a bottle. By the end of the bottle, we had outlined plans for the book with a goal of finishing it by the Idaho Writers and Readers Rendezvous on May 4. Such goals are easy to set after consuming wine at Asiago’s. The book arrived four months and four days after our first discussion.

We each researched 16 famous dead women writers and then met weekly to discuss our stories – over another bottle of wine. (Proceeds from this book will be used to assist with any future liver problems.) We were amazed about some of the facts we learned:

  • Margaret Mitchell wrote only one published novel in her lifetime, but Gone with the Wind won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 1937 and sold more than 30 million copies worldwide.
  • Carson McCullers wrote The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter at age 22. Her husband wanted them to commit suicide by hanging themselves in the French countryside. She refused, but he later succeeded.
  • Jane Austen’s original title for Sense and Sensibility was Elinor and Marianne.
  • George Eliot’s given name was Mary Anne Evans. Her father encouraged education, fearing that her plain looks would never attract a suitor.
  • Dorothy Parker remains famous for several pithy quotes, including, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

We only have a limited supply of books, so come early! (That’s not true, but I’ve been known for sporadic bursts of hyperbole.) See you Saturday!

Today’s blog was fueled by a bottle of 2007 Kestrel Sangiovese Falcon Series from Kestrel Vintners in Prosser, Washington. It’s dark, full-bodied and a tasty treat for only $22.
– See more at: http://www.test.elaineambrose.com/blog/midlife-cabernet-imagine-thrill-drinking-living-women-authors#sthash.6IntbUUw.dpuf

Midlife Cabernet – Don’t Irritate a Menopausal Writer

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Boise’s “alternative” newspaper intends to print a negative review of our new book, Drinking with Dead Women Writers. As the coauthor and publisher of the book, I appreciate any publicity, but I do hope the article will be placed ahead of the provocative ads for bi-sexual swingers and discreet Asian escorts. Otherwise, the book could get lost in that prolific cornucopia of literary excellence.

I was sad for two minutes after hearing about the pessimistic review. But, I’ll save a copy in my “Stupid Rejections” file – which is delightfully smaller than my file labeled “Hot Damn, I Won!” Before publication, the book was reviewed by an internationally-renowned, successful author. He wrote that the stories were “a rare mix of cleverness and intellect, and a total blast to read.” That review goes into the “win” file along with other glowing comments.

On a more positive note, I’ve also learned that my company Mill Park Publishing is a Bronze Medal winner in the 2012 Independent Publisher Book Awards (IPPY), and our book Little White Dress was selected from more than 5,200 entries from around the world. The Ippy Awards honor and recognize excellence in independent publishing and writing. So, put that in your crack pipe and smoke it, Boise Weekly.

Mill Park Publishing has published five books in the last two years, all of them written by local women authors. Little White Dress provided 26 women writers with the opportunity to share their stories about the myth and meaning of their wedding dresses. Now these women can promote the fact that they are authors of a national award-winning anthology. We have four more books scheduled to be released in the next year, and they are written by, about and for women. Most of us are have survived the slings and arrows of outrageous criticism and now we’re mature enough to wash away any lingering homicidal tendencies with a bold Cabernet.

Drinking with Dead Women Writers offers a collection of essays about 16 famous women writers. In researching the greatest female voices in literary history, AK Turner and I discovered fascinating facts: many of these women suffered numerous rejections, others weren’t published until after their death, one published only one novel but it won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, and several wrote under pseudonyms or used a man’s name because the prevailing opinion was that women didn’t have the competence to be writers. My name is Elaine Ambrose.

Today’s blog is fueled by a delightful bottle of Three Legged Red by Dunham Cellars in Walla Walla, Wa. It’s only $18, and it’s the cheap cousin of Dunham Cellars 2008 Trutina, a marvelous blend of Cabernet Sauvignon, Syrah and Merlot. That wine goes for $30, and both wines can be found at A New Vintage Wine Shop near Fairview and Eagle Road. Read the label on the Three Legged Red – it’s a touching story about an injured puppy named Port.