Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

Blog

Hilarious Humor from Funny Female Writers

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I Just Want to Be Alone is the second in a series of books targeting young mothers and wives. It’s available in paperback and as an e-book on amazon.com. Local author AK Turner is one of the authors, so you know it’s good.

I love humorous anthologies, and this one delivers on the laughs and funny anecdotes. Each author brings her unique perspective on the daily grinds and grins of marriage. From refusing to wear Victoria’s Secret nighties because a wine-stained t-shirt is more comfortable to the reality that your partner snores like a bear and chews with his mouth open, these writers bring a sense of humor to the table and to the bedroom. No one is advocating that life would be better without him…but it would be nice to have some time alone to read a book, sip some tea, and not worry about a surprise dry hump. With so many nasty relationships crashing all around, it’s nice to read and laugh with women who want to wash that man right out of their hair – but invite them back after the blow dry.

Today’s Cabernet

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Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2005 L’Ecole No 41 Merlot from Columbia Valley. This wine from Washington State is a tasty blend of Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Petit Verdot, and Cabernet Sauvignon and sells for about $26 dollars a bottle. Albertsons is having a wine sale until Tuesday and you can get 20% off six or more bottles. Better hurry to the store and stock up on the four necessary food groups: wine, cheese, crackers, and M&Ms.

When Your Double-Ds are Draggin’

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About twenty seconds after I entered perimenopause my boobs went from gravity-defying orbs that could be seen from outer space to unsightly tube socks lolling in my lap. Now only industrial-strength fabric and high-powered hydraulic contraptions can hoist these babies above my elbow.As I described in the upcoming book Menopause Sucks, after forty years our breasts fall (yes, fall) victim to the realities of age and the consequences of pregnancy and nursing. Use this information to make your adult children feel guilty. Also, crazy hormones during menopause also cause loss of fullness and painful tenderness.Use heating pads or warm water bottles to reduce discomfort, and wear a sturdy bra to keep the girls where they belong. Regular exercise and weightlifting classes can help tone and tighten sagging skin. Many women consider surgery to lift and augment wandering breasts, but they should get second and third opinons and weigh all the costs. What’s better – cutting into your chest or taking a trip to Europe?To soothe breast tenderness and to create a potentially passionate experiment, try some castor oil, lavender essential oil, or natural progesterone cream and enlist the help from a supportive partner to massage the potions onto your skin. Who knew aging could be so much fun?

Midlife Cabernet: It’s Okay to Run Away

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Are you stressed and tired? Are you being unjustly criticized and mentally assaulted by obnoxious people (including relatives, co-workers, and strangers who flip you off in traffic)? Do you feel like crap because your exercise bike is a clothes hanger and you just finished a one-pound bag of M&Ms? (I see you nodding in agreement.) Well, there is only one solution to end this misery. Run away.

You can plan your escape on a whim or take several months to organize the scheme. These are a few of my favorites, and the first requirement is that you turn off your cell phone. Yes, you must.

  1. The Spontaneous, Easy, and Cheap Fling. If you only have an hour, bring your lunch to work and leave at noon. If you have a car, play some rhythm and blues and drive to a park. If you don’t have transportation, listen to music on your Ipod and walk slowly to the nearest quiet space. Just sit there, munch on your food (include at least one cookie), and then close your eyes. Do nothing but meditate as you listen to the music. Then return to work refreshed and rejuvenated.
  2. The Delightful Day Break. Take a vacation day just for yourself and mark it on the calendar a month in advance. Hike in the hills, read a book, write a short story, plant some flowers, or if your budget allows, spend a few hours at the local spa. By the end of the blissful day, expect some immediate crisis involving at least one of your children, your elderly parent, or your plumbing. But, you’ll be pleasant, positive, and ready for any emergency. No Prozac required.
  3. The Total Indulgent Escape. This week I ran away to New York City. I’m a volunteer member of a board that was meeting but I wasn’t planning to attend. Then there was a death in the family, I moved my invalid mother to a different assisted living facility, a relative called and yelled at me, I got the Head Cold from Hell, there were problems with a book I was publishing, and I gained five pounds. So, I did the only thing that made sense: I bought a discounted flight and left for the city.

A farmer’s daughter from Idaho going to New York City is similar to Dorothy seeing the Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz. Humming “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” I hit the Big Apple running as if being chased by flying monkeys. In three days, I attended the meeting, laughed until I snorted at a hilarious Broadway musical, toured the Steinway piano factory, meandered through the Metropolitan Museum of Art, took a solemn trip to Ground Zero, watched a performance at the Lincoln Center, and ate and drank fabulous food and wine.

On the last evening, two friends and I found Nizza Bar a Vin Italienne, a delightful Italian wine bar, and sat outside consuming fresh gnocchi, shrimp salad, and crusty bread. Of course, we consumed a bottle of Barbera wine presented by a perky waitress who was determined to become a Broadway star. We watched as police closed the street and a crew prepared a movie scene for actor Liam Neeson. My runaway excursion had been the perfect remedy.

Studley, my heroic and understanding husband, was waiting at the airport, and we hugged and kissed like long-lost lovers. Then he asked if I wanted to go find a place for dinner. I shook my head and said, “There’s no place like home.”

Today’s blog was fueled by a healing bottle of 2005 Barbera D’Alba wine from Italy. You can consume it while watching a famous actor in New York City or enjoy the wine on your patio. Either option has its rewards.

Today’s Cabernet

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Today’s blog was defiantly supported by a glass of 2005 Schug Cabernet Sauvignon from Sonoma Valley. This wine is consistently good, and at about $25 a bottle, it’s great to have on hand for guests. If you don’t have any guests, open it anyway.