Get your ugly face off my doorstep. I promise not to come to your house and grab your goodies; unless you have M&Ms with peanuts. Then we can barter. But for now, go away because it’s not fun anymore. If you’re over 12 and don’t have special needs, this crusty curmudgeon is saying “Get off my lawn!”
This Halloween, I choose not to be assaulted by marauding packs of greedy teenagers who terrorize the neighborhood and think I owe them free candy to stuff into their dirty pillowcases. Why do they assume it’s their right to seize a holiday meant for cute little children dressed as pirates, ghosts, and witches? Here’s my trick for the teenage treaters: no candy for you.
The last few years have changed my participation in the holiday. My children are grown and have their own kids. I enjoy seeing their cute costumes, but I no longer welcome masked strangers to my home. The festivities were ruined when drivers from outside the area brought cars full of real monsters who swarmed through the neighborhood, repeatedly rang doorbells, grabbed all the treats, complained if the candy bars were too small, and smashed the jack-o-lanterns on their way out. I think if you can drive a vehicle, you’re too old to trick-or-treat.
The gangs of gangling candy-grabbers didn’t even wear costumes, but maybe that was a good thing. The costumes I’ve seen in the stores resemble miniature pole-dance outfits for toddler sluts or bloody murder victims so frightening they cause me to experience a psychotic episode. The party store managers don’t approve of my actions when I curl into a fetal position on the floor and scream, “Make it go away!”
Halloween used to be fun. When my kids were pre-school age, they chose Halloween costumes from clothes we already owned. My son wore his calico shirt and vest with his dad’s cowboy hat. A moustache painted with an eyebrow pencil completed his outfit. My daughter wore my old dance dress with her own leggings. Both were excited as we walked around the neighborhood and collected treats from families we knew.
We returned home to answer the door, marvel at the cute homemade outfits, and give treats to children from the surrounding area. I allowed my kids a few pieces and sent them to bed. After they were asleep, I inspected their treasures and removed all the M&M Peanut candies for myself. I only was concerned about too much sugar rotting their teeth. Years later they told me they knew about my theft, but didn’t care. Obviously, I raised outstanding children
One year, I made the mistake of reading how to make homemade costumes. This was before the soul-crushing examples on Pinterest. I stayed up all night sewing a Holly Hobby outfit, complete with pinafore and bonnet. This labor of love was worn once, so I learned to be wiser with future costumes and encouraged them to express their imagination by creating their own costumes from whatever they owned. We also stopped the commercialized door-to-door begging when the children were around eight years old. Instead of prowling the streets for stale candy leftover from previous holidays, I purchased some candy for them, organized a party at home, and they were happy.
It’s fun to see little ones all dressed up, and I endorse creative play that sparks imagination. This Halloween, we’ll take photos of the grandkids and give them cards and small gifts. The evening will end at home with the lights out and the doors locked. Think of all the teeth we’ll save.
(Featured on The Huffington Post 50 on Oct. 31, 2015)
That’s too bad about the teenaged terrors that came to your house. I LOVE to see the teenagers come to my house. I live in an AMAZING neighborhood where everyone comes out to trick or treat as a community and everyone, teenagers and parents alike, are dressed up. We greet hundreds of costumed guests on Halloween. The teenagers where I live are some of the most creative with their costumes. I say that if someone wants to dress up and join in the fun then they need one of my king sized candy bars too! I don’t care how old anyone is. It’s a state of mind.
I’m feeling a little unenthusiastic about Halloween this year as well. We did parties and trick or treating…not as many kids in our neighborhood anymore though. But we do have several who are 9-13 who I invite over specifically and give them extra big bars. They remember it all year long and makes me the cool lady!
I agree there should be a cut-off age. However, if it’s done respectfully and not dumped off by the car loads with greedy teens, then I don’t mind the older trick-or-treater. One event our community encourages is that the teens do trick-or-Can to collect canned goods for the food shelf. I support that! It’s been very successful and the teens that take part are usually the less scary kind!
I was just saying over at Rubber Shoes in Hell that I find it kind of strange how much the older set (and I mean “older” as in “over twelve” or so) has taken over Halloween. When I was a kid it was really pretty much a kid thing, the dressing up – a grown-up would come along on the trick-or-treat route to keep an eye on things but they were usually not costumed. I really did get a kick out of doing the costume thing, and as I recall I kind of extended my dressing-up by being the watcher-outer for some of the neighbors’ younger kids. I also had this weird thing happen in 5th grade, I think it was, of getting kind of scared of Halloween candy after reading a story called “Poison Candy” in some little monthly literary leaflet that we got at school – as I recall, it was presented as a true story and the vivid description of the little victim’s agonizing death after eating cyanide-laced candy scared the living daylights out of me (what the eff that editor was thinking is beyond me but there it was) – but even without that, I think I would’ve started feeling weird about collecting candy much beyond elementary school.
We did sometimes get older kids turning up trick-or-treating, and although I think my mom did kind of disapprove, her basic rule was costume = candy, no costume = no candy.
I only ever remember my parents dressing up for Halloween once – they were invited to a Halloween party where they were supposed to dress up, and they rented Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes.
This is the first year that we had vandalism in our neighborhood. Teens picked up a huge pumpkin and smashed it against a homeowner’s front door. And it’s not even Halloween yet. Our Homeowners’ Association, in all their wisdom, without consulting the rest of us, decided that instead of going door to door, that they would set up one section of a block (far from our house) and anyone who wants to give out treats should bring a lawn chair and they kids will all line up with their bags of loot open, and we will dutifully scoop goodies into them. I hate this idea. I love decorating the house. My husband and I always go all out, dressing up, decorating the house with life sized skeletons, sound effects, the works! When the kids come to our house, we know who they are. We’re all neighbors. And we get to chat with the parents and have time to comment on the kids’ costumes. It’s a tradition. But this year…the lights will be off at our house, and the skeleton will stay in the closet. Another era over. Sad.
I do not blame you one bit. I would lock that house up as tight as a drum, too.