Those Damp Sheets!

Alas! I used to think a steamy bed was the result of passion and desire. Not so at midlife. Those memories were sold off with the 1973 Chevy. Now the only wet spot I sleep in is due to horrendous night sweats that are strong enough to poach eggs right there on the pillow.My menopause bible, The Wisdom of Menopause by Dr. Christiane Northrup, politely informs us that if we wake at four a.m. drenched in sweat, it’s all part of the process and our bodies are just detoxing. I say to hell with detoxing. Just give me back my normal frigid skin. It’s winter here in Idaho, the windows are open, snow is drifing onto my bed, but it still feels like a sweltering summer swamp. I can only hope that the sweating will stop long enough for the chills to set in as the sweat freezes onto my body.Looking on the bright side, it’s a good thing I didn’t buy those 1,020 thread count Regency sheets made of the finest Egyptian cotton. There were a steal at $1,056 for a queen set. I settled for the 400 thread count sheets from Overstock.com for only $50. I can sweat the color right out of that bedding and throw it away after it rots apart. Which will be in about two weeks.Speaking of sheets, remember when we used to have sheets that were dried outside? I remember hoising wet sheets onto the clothesline in the back yard and securing them with wooden pins. Then the magic of sunshine and fresh air would transform the simple cotton sheets into soft clouds of comfort on my bed. These sheets didn’t have fitted corners, designer colors, or more than a 200 thread count but the feel and smell still remains a favorite childhood memory. Now we don’t have that luxury because there’s too much air pollution and the homeowners associations won’t allow clotheslines. A pity, indeed.Here are some handy remedies to cool off the night sweats:1. Don’t take warm baths or hot showers before bed, as wonderful and tempting as that sounds. That only heats your skin and encourages those harried hormones to trigger a hot flash. Cool or tepid showers are best.2. Eliminate caffeine and spicy foods at dinner. Have your coffee and Thai food for breakfast.3. Keep plenty of water on your bedside table. I use bottled water because I often knock over a glass when I’m pawing and panting for water in the middle of the night.4. Have a fan beside your bed. If that disturbes your partner, offer him a hat and some gloves. Better yet, offer him the guest room.5. Sleep on a beach towel to absorb excess sweat. Hey, that’s less humiliating than a crib sheet.6. Try herbal decaffinated tea before bed to soothe your nerves. But don’t drink too much or you’ll be up all night going to the bathroom.7. Search web sites for pajamas and night gowns made from moisture-wicking fabrics. Try http://www.serenecomfort.com/ or http://www.lunarradiance.com/. Lunar Radiance also has books, DVDs, supplements and a blog to help you through the madness of menopause. I love the night gowns, but they only come in pastel colors and the sizes are a bit snug (or I’m a bit big.)