When Your Double-Ds are Draggin’

About twenty seconds after I entered perimenopause my boobs went from gravity-defying orbs that could be seen from outer space to unsightly tube socks lolling in my lap. Now only industrial-strength fabric and high-powered hydraulic contraptions can hoist these babies above my elbow.As I described in the upcoming book Menopause Sucks, after forty years our breasts fall (yes, fall) victim to the realities of age and the consequences of pregnancy and nursing. Use this information to make your adult children feel guilty. Also, crazy hormones during menopause also cause loss of fullness and painful tenderness.Use heating pads or warm water bottles to reduce discomfort, and wear a sturdy bra to keep the girls where they belong. Regular exercise and weightlifting classes can help tone and tighten sagging skin. Many women consider surgery to lift and augment wandering breasts, but they should get second and third opinons and weigh all the costs. What’s better – cutting into your chest or taking a trip to Europe?To soothe breast tenderness and to create a potentially passionate experiment, try some castor oil, lavender essential oil, or natural progesterone cream and enlist the help from a supportive partner to massage the potions onto your skin. Who knew aging could be so much fun?