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I’ll Take Turkey Over Tofu, Thank You!

November 19, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

Thanksgiving is next week and I’m not flummoxed about what to fix. I’m a true admirer of tradition, so I’ll stuff a fresh turkey with dressing that contains only bread cubes, celery, butter, water chestnuts and fresh herbs and spices. I’ll baste it with more butter as it roasts in the oven, and then I’ll be profoundly thankful to share and eat it.

I’m not a huge fan of creative changes to standards recipes. Feel free to enjoy baked tofu and cauliflower, but I’ll choose the real mashed potatoes, thank you. Bon Appétit‘s website, always offers alterations to traditional holiday dishes. A current article includes recipes for cranberry wasabi (nope) and a red wine gravy reduction over a popular green bean recipe (double nope). My only wine reduction will come from my glass into my mouth.

I admire people who can concoct tantalizing new dishes and incorporate different ingredients to create new, delicious recipes. I’ll even try some vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, low-carb, non-alcoholic and low-fat meals, but please don’t criticize me when I finish my customary Thanksgiving feast with a platter of warm pecan pie with soft ice cream and a glass of wine. I just want to remain true to my heritage.

For Christmas Eve, I always prepare prime rib, rubbed with curry, fresh garlic, ginger and course black pepper. I serve it with poppy seed potatoes, as I have for the past 20 years. There won’t be any deviations from these two recipes, but others are welcome to bring something new and fancy. We’ll enjoy every bite.

I get a bit emotional around the holidays when my family comes together for meals, and this year we’ll have an empty chair at the table. But there will be commotion at the kid’s table, and the adults will vie for the last turkey leg. It’s traditional.

Born to be Wild – for a Few Months

November 11, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

(Featured on The Huffington Post Comedy page, 11/11/2015)

After a hectic day of raising kids, working full-time, and trying to slap together three edible ingredients to make a family meal, I decided to ride away on a motorcycle. I depleted my saving account and bought a Harley-Davidson Custom Sportster, complete with extra chrome accessories, custom red paint, and fringed, leather saddle bags. I traded my heels for leather boots and felt the need for speed.

I completed a motorcycle safety course, the only middle-aged woman in a class full of slouching punks, goofy teenage boys, and old hippies. No one flirted with me or even muttered, “Hey, Babe. Let’s take a walk on the wild side.” I must have resembled their grandmother.

My first experiences riding my new motorcycle were exhilarating. I covered my head with a brain bucket, put the hammer down, and carved some serious curves while straddled upon 1200 ccs of unleashed power. I channeled my inner Steppenwolf to head out on the highway, looking for adventure, in whatever came my way. This liberated momma was bad to the bone.

“Ha!” I exclaimed after a month of riding into the wind. “I am an American legend!”

No one cared.

I made the obligatory trip to the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota. I felt sorry to see so many young women who were too poor to buy clothes. They ambled around wearing itty bitty leather thongs and fishnet tank tops. The poor things could barely walk upright due to the massive bouncing bosoms exploding from their tight leather vests. There was no way those bares butts ever sat more than five minutes on the back of a Harley.

“Do you want a sandwich?” I asked a group of thin young waifs loitering in front of a saloon. “How about we go get some milkshakes? I’ll buy.”

They stared at me with glazed eyes and walked away. I ate alone, grateful that I could purchase food.

My wild and crazy motorcycle days ended when I almost t-boned a mini-van full of children. I was cruising down a country road feeling free and festive when a frazzled lady on a side road pulled out in front of me. All I could see were those sweet cherubs staring from the window, waiting for me to crash into their little bodies and leave my severed head beside the road. I stomped on my foot brake, grabbed the hand brake, and swerved to the right. The bike stopped, but I didn’t. I careened into the dirt, suddenly appreciating my heavy leather clothing. The lady never noticed and drove on down the road. I hollered some uncharitable language and regrettably took the name of the Lord in vain while gesturing wildly like a possessed demon. These actions were not attractive.

The bike weighed more than 500 pounds, and I couldn’t lift it. A group of motorcycle riders came along and stopped to help. They settled the bike upright, checked for damage, and offered to take me home. I gallantly refused any assistance and sent them on their way. I was pleased to see that the women in the group wore clothes.

I returned home and parked the bike. A few months later, I sold it to a man who always wanted a Harley. I wished him well and watched as he revved the engine.

“Watch out for mini-vans,” I yelled. “They’re out to kill you!”

He waved back and I listened until the guttural noise from the V-twin engine faded in the distance. Returning to the house, I contently counted my cash and my blessings.

Crazy Cup Controversy

November 10, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

“Midlife Cabernet” Tastes another Award

November 9, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

Midlife Cabernet – Life, Love & Laughter after 50 won First Place in the Nonfiction eBook category from a recent competition sponsored by the North American Book Awards. The program honors distinguished authors and books from across the United States and Canada. Awards will be presented at a gala reception Friday, November 13 in Boise, Idaho.

Midlife Cabernet by Idaho author Elaine Ambrose has earned the following awards:

Silver Medal for Humor – Independent Publishers Book Award (IPPY)
First Place for Humor – North American Book Awards
First Place for eBook – North American Book Awards
Top Ten Idaho Authors – Idaho Book Awards
First Place Cover Design – Idaho Book Awards
#1 Bestseller in Humor on Amazon.com – December 2014 and November 2015

Publishers Weekly wrote that the book is “Laugh-out-loud funny.” Foreword Reviews wrote that Midlife Cabernet is “an argument for joy.” The eBook is on sale for $.99 on five online platforms: Amazon.com Midlife Cabernet, Barnes & Noble Midlife Cabernet, IBooks/ITunes, KOBO, and Google Play.

The Martini Tower with a Twist of Levity

November 8, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

I’ve never met Malin Morin of the City of Groningen in The Netherlands, but I’m confident we’d be best friends. She emailed me a photograph of her holding my book Midlife Cabernet in front of the Martini Tower. Obviously, she has excellent appreciation for comedic literature.

I was intrigued by Malin and wanted to know more about a tower named after a sophisticated funnel of cold vodka, so I researched the history of the beautiful building. The bell tower was constructed with a Catholic church during the 15^th century, more than 500 years ago. It was named for the patron saint, St. Martin, so nothing was shaken or stirred in the dedication. The tower is 318 feet tall, contains a 62-bell carillon, and houses one of the largest Baroque organs in Europe. I see no reason why I shouldn’t travel there to meet and celebrate with Malin.

Her email contained delightful comments, so I’m exploiting them as a positive book review.

“I just loved the book. I read it on a recent flight and was making stupid sounds trying to suppress laughs, and people sitting in the seats around me were giving me the evil eye.”

To cause the evil eye in Europe is a great claim to fame for me. I’m now on a mission to provoke irritated glances throughout the world. I’ve already achieved documented success with that goal in the United States.

Malin also included a photograph taken in front of a local Dutch pub. If you can’t enjoy a bold Cabernet, you might as well swill a cold Heineken while reading about the joys of getting older and loving the journey. She ended her email with an invitation to visit her and noted that her family’s wine cellar is “stocked with Cabernet and other goodies.” Indeed, we will become best friends.

As I researched information about the Martini Tower, I discovered a recipe for the authentic Amsterdam Martini Cocktail. I share the details as a gesture to promote international education and foster good will among all peoples. The recipe calls for 2.5 ounces of Coca Liqueur, 2 ounces of citrus-flavored Vodka, the juice of ½ lime, and ice cubes. Shake well, strain into a chilled cocktail glass, and garnish with an olive. Sip while reading Midlife Cabernet in the market square in front of the Martini Tower. (I made up that last part.)

Here’s one final tidbit I discovered from my research. St. Martin was born more than 2,000 years ago and traveled extensively throughout Europe sharing Christianity which, at the time, still was a minor faith. He’s best known for sharing his cloak with a poor man and is called the patron saint of beggars. Because his celebration occurs near the grape harvest, he’s also a patron saint of vintners. He also worked with St. Ambrose from Italy, and I’m sure he was my ancestor. I feel called to honor them by traveling to Europe, sharing my coat, and savoring local wines.

Cheers, Malin. I’m searching for my passport.

Speaking at the 2016 Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

November 3, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

I am thrilled to be included with the distinguished faculty for the 2016 Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop scheduled for March 31-April 2, 2016 in Dayton, Ohio.

Other speakers include Jenny Lawson, New York Times bestselling author and author of “The Bloggess,” NPR humorist Roy Blount Jr, bestsellling novelist Amy Ephron, feminist scholar and humor writer Gina Barreca, bestselling humor writer Judy Carter, and stand-up comedian Leighann Lord.

Erma Bombeck’s syndicated column, “At Wit’s End,” appeared in more than 900 newspapers. She wrote 12 books, nine of which made The New York Times’ Bestsellers List. Bombeck also appeared regularly ABC-TV’s Good Morning America for 11 years. She was still writing her column for Universal Press Syndicate and developing a new book for HarperCollins Publishers when she died from complications of a kidney transplant on April 22, 1996.

Bombeck attended the University of Dayton and credits the university for launching her writing career. The University Alumni Association co-sponsors the biennual Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, drawing hundreds of aspiring and professional humor and human interest writers from across the country.

Registration for the 2016 workshop opens at noon on December 1. Spaces are limited, and the last conference sold out within 12 hours.

2016 Bombeck workshop faculty
Elaine Ambrose

Elaine Ambrose is an author, syndicated blogger and humorist from Eagle, Idaho, who writes for The Huffington Post, BlogHer, HumorOutcasts and Midlife Boulevard. Her 2014 book, Midlife Cabernet: Life, Love and Laughter After 50, won two national humor awards. Publishers Weekly called the book “laugh-out-loud funny.” In all, she has authored or co-authored 10 books, including Menopause Sucks, a national bestseller that helps middle-aged women learn and laugh instead of break something. In 2003, she founded Mill Park Publishing, which self-publishes books and offers women’s writing retreats.

Workshops

Write Funny, Now! (one time only)
Elaine Ambrose

Experience the serious work of humor writing. In this interactive session geared to beginning writers, participants will learn how to use various types of humor to deliver humorous lines and grab readers. Participants will read a sampling of Erma Bombeck’s columns, discuss why certain lines are hilarious, share their own on-the-spot work and interact with others to improve their writing.

Turn Your Blog Into a Book (one time only)
Elaine Ambrose

This session focuses on the nuts and bolts of creating a self-published book from your best blogs. You will learn how to compile and format chapters, hire professional designers to create the cover and layout, hire editors to read your manuscript, obtain reviews for the cover, purchase an ISBN number and bar code, and submit to print sources such as CreateSpace to produce a paperback and e-book for mass distribution. Targeted to experienced writers who have written at least 100 blogs or 10,000 words of a manuscript.

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