Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#burial

Do You have an End-of-Life Plan?

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I’m going to die. Probably not today, but someday. A few of my surviving relatives would prefer to toss my dead body into the river and celebrate with a party, but I’ve made legal arrangements for my proper burial. There still will be a glorious celebration.

End-of-Life Policy

I have a policy through Bankers Life Insurance that pays $15,000 at my death. The beneficiary is a cute guy I call Studley, and we have similar policies between us. If he goes before I do, my son will receive the money. I trust him to find a cheap but unused casket and haul me to the Wendell Cemetery to be buried next to my parents in Section 18, Block 2. He can spend the rest of the money on an elaborate party with festive live music, tables laden with copious quantities of delicious food, and an open bar with the best drinks and fine wine. There will be laughter, storytelling, and gallant toasts to my memory. Loud sobbing and mournful wailing will be permitted on an intermittent basis. He can keep the change.

Pre-Paid Plot

My instructions are written and included in my Will, and burial expenses will be minimal. My father bought several cemetery plots in 1959 for my siblings, my mother, himself, and me. I’m the only one still alive. A few years ago, I commissioned a bench to honor my parents and brothers, and the bench will be my headstone. Per my written instructions, my first name will be engraved before Ambrose and the dates of birth and death will be added. Easy assignment. Cue the band and start the party.

Insurance Gamble

My end-of-life insurance policy costs $90 a month. If I get hit with a wine truck and die tomorrow, the insurance company loses almost $15,000. But, I’ll be dead so I won’t care. However, I resemble my paternal grandmother, and she lived to be 92 and still worked crossword puzzles until the day she died. If I live that long, the monthly payments will exceed $15,000, and the insurance company would be reimbursed plus gain additional profit. To break even, I need to die within 15 years. I’m good with that because I’ve had a splendid, abundant, and spirited life. I’m grateful.

Have a plan.

My sweet mother was in hospice care twice, and each time I organized the plans for her funeral. The process was painful. I hope to reduce the stress for my loved ones by having everything arranged and pre-paid. Their only concern will be who gets my prized collection of finger puppets and clown noses. I hope they don’t fight.

 

 

 

My Mother’s Body Got Lost

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featured on bloghercasket

I’m trying to plan my mother’s funeral, but we have a problem. We can’t find her.

My mother passed away Saturday after a long illness. I had all the funeral arrangements planned months in advance, so I was prepared when the inevitable happened. After she died, I contacted the proper authorities to transport her body 100 miles to her hometown of Wendell, Idaho for the funeral and burial. Some things don’t always go as planned. Two days later, we know that the body is gone from her assisted living facility but it’s not in Wendell. This is a cause for concern.

During the past few years, my mother has been lost in dementia. Even after moving her to a secure nursing home in Boise, there were times when I visited and couldn’t find her. The staff and I would search the facility and find her in someone else’s room and the two residents would be talking about their old times that never happened. No harm was done, and we gently, lovingly participated in their storytelling. But, I always knew she was somewhere inside the building.

Today I called the funeral home in Wendell and they hadn’t received the body. How do you lose a casket? I thought I had completed all the necessary arrangements, but I wasn’t familiar with the procedures for this dilemma. I used my inside voice and calmly requested that somebody do something. I called back an hour later and needed to employ my outside, aggressive tone. This last resort has been known to get immediate results and leave people trembling. I’m not proud of this trait, but it works.

At last, I received a call from Wendell that they had found her body still in Boise and the transportation was being arranged. A few hours later, I received a call that said she was near Bliss, a tiny village along the route.

“Of course she is,” I responded.

I hope she had a nice weekend and enjoyed having the last word. But, Mom, now it’s time to go home. Please.

Planning a funeral is similar to planning a wedding. Family and friends come together, some cry, music plays, and people wave goodbye. Except, at a funeral, the goodbye lasts a long time. This last momentary interruption is my mother’s way of telling me I’m not always in charge of everything. Somewhere, my parents are laughing.