Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Midlife Cabernet: When it’s Time to Divorce the Siblings

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I’m officially announcing my intention to divorce my siblings and take applications for a new sister and/or brother. There is no monetary value to this arrangement but the reward will be in the celebration of a festive and positive relationship with me as a sister. Such a deal!

I made this decision last week after enjoying yet another birthday without hearing from either of my two brothers. No card. No phone call. Not even a pre-designed, automatic email. Time is wasting because I’ve had more birthdays that I’ll have again. It would be nice to pretend that there is a sibling who actually gives a damn. And I can promise clever birthday cards, jolly songs, and good wine in return.

Full disclosure: The younger brother called the day after my birthday and left a short voice mail. And I haven’t seen or heard from the scoundrel older brother in 15 years so I’m not really surprised at the continued neglect. I would like them to know, however, that I help take care of their invalid mother and she would love to hear from them sometime, too.

My brothers and I were raised to compete, work hard, and die without hugs or humor. I opted out of that failed formula and chose to be totally nuts about loving and laughing. Not wanting to repeat my own family dysfunction, I adamantly made it a priority to raise my children to truly love each other, and I’m profoundly grateful that they do. I’m sorry their uncles don’t know them. One of my brothers hasn’t even met my children’s children or my husband. What a profound loss for these hapless brothers.

So, beginning immediately, I am declaring my availability for sisterhood. Obviously, I’m not very good at it but I’m willing to learn. The only requirements are to exchange annual birthday cards and get together every once in awhile for laughs and libations. To proclaim the sibling designation, I’ll design a plaque with the appropriate golf-leaf certificate and exchange a good bottle of Cabernet.

Finally, to my twin sister who died before we were born: I still miss you. We could have enjoyed some crazy fun together. I’ll never forget what should have been your birthday.

Today’s blog was fueled by a 2011 McKenna Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa, California. We served it at my birthday party, and there was abundant laughter, dancing, and celebration with true friends.

Midlife Cabernet: Blending the Family Frappé

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Organizing an event with blended families requires the logistical coordination of air traffic controllers with the precision of a computerized dispatcher and the help of a licensed counselor. Uniting yours, mine, ours, and theirs becomes a calculated strategy that turns dates on the calendar into targets for negotiation. There’s a reason we never saw the ex-families on the television show The Brady Bunch.

I grew up in a small community during a time when couples married, had children, and stayed married until they died. Our family gatherings often included more than 30 people – and done were divorced. There was minimal tactical planning required to schedule an event. Times have changed, and sometimes I feel the pressure to make sure everyone is happy. I need to get over that.

At a recent family dinner, we arranged for the step-grandkids to join us along with the step-children and assorted step-grandparents. When most of the grandparents and parents have been divorced and remarried, it’s time to stop with the titles. There’s no more “step” because “family” will do just fine.

Both my children married spouses who already had children. That made me an instant grandma, a position I enjoy and welcome. I have been divorced and then married a man with grown children who became new members of the family. At our children’s events, the other parent is often involved. At my step-son’s high school graduation, I sat next to his mother. At my daughter’s wedding, her father and I both walked her down the aisle, even though we were divorced. We do it for our children. Even the receiving line was fun because our daughter’s happiness was most important.

No one is advocating divorce, but it happens. I admire those parents who negotiate joint custody arrangements using common sense. Holiday and birthday parties are less stressful if the parents coordinate plans and speak without assaulting each other. And, what child wouldn’t want to be spoiled and adored by one of eight different grandparents?