Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#Menopause Sucks

How to Survive Menopause without Getting Arrested

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Approximately 6,000 women enter menopause every day in the United States. That means by Friday, we could populate a small town with sweating, crying inhabitants with indigestion and hairy toes. By the end of the month, we could have a city the size of Gilbert, Arizona with 180,000 women helplessly hurled into hormonal havoc. Get out of their way because some of them are in a testy mood.

It’s a crying shame that we could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. Only the strongest species on earth could survive hot flashes, incontinence, hair loss, age spots, uncontrollable flatulence, and erratic mood swings after forty. Someone give us a crown and a plate of cookies!

While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges. For the most part, every single symptom of menopause is caused by one reason, and one reason alone: hormones. It seems that your body makes several different kinds of hormones that love to cavort through your body and play havoc with your sanity. Two major players are called estrogen and progesterone. In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!” As with most power-hungry rascals, estrogen likes to change the rules every now and then just to confuse you.

As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.

But why not make it a multi-generational issue! It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat. Don’t give up! Soon, these symptoms will pass and you’ll be too old to remember anything.

To survive the physical and mental annoyances that assault your body and mind during menopause, here are some helpful suggestions that have absolutely no basis in medical fact:

  1. Take all your pointy-toed shoes and line them up in the driveway. Then drive over them several times before you throw them away. Your feet will feel fabulous and you’ll get rid of some latent aggression.
  2. Cool your steaming head with a boxes of frozen diet food that have been languishing in your freezer for the past ten years. You’re never going to eat them anyway so you might as well put them to good use.
  3. The next time a telemarketer calls, start explaining your ailments and frustrations in graphic detail. Don’t stop until the caller starts to cry. Then hang up.
  4. Feeling lonely? Email your friends that you’ve decided to give all your money to that nice young man who emailed from Nigeria. Then sit back and wait for them to scurry over for a visit.
  5. If you experience uncontrollable urges to shop and eat (and who doesn’t), just blame it all on menopause. You can shop and eat for less than $30 if you wander through the aisles at Costco and feast on all the free samples. Then buy a case of wine, a huge jar of chocolate covered peanuts, and a twelve-pound pie and then call your friends over for a party. To be prudent, don’t forget the year’s supply of toilet paper.
  6. Symptoms of menopause can make you forgetful and absent-minded. Write your kid’s names on their foreheads with a Magic Marker Pen so you don’t have to go through the irritation of memorizing their names every day.
  7. Menopause can make you magnificent! That’s baloney, but claim that as your mantra if it makes you feel better. Remember, this all will pass someday and then you’ll be too old to care anymore.

The main goals of surviving menopause are to stay alive and to sleep with both legs under the covers. If we can achieve these noble visions and avoid arrest, we’ll laugh all the way to bingo night at the Senior Center.

 

 

 

Adapted from the book Menopause Sucks by Joanne Kimes and Elaine Ambrose.

Published by Adams Media.

Midlife Cabernet: Let’s Talk about Chin Hairs

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The world is under assault from wars and rumors of wars, illness, crime, weather calamities, and Internet photos of Walmart shoppers. But what really causes anguish to most middle-aged women is to discover coarse, industrial-strength hairs on their chins.

These unwanted and unsightly growths often are strong enough to be woven into nets to transport military tanks. And they usually erupt in two seconds and protrude six inches before we’re even aware they are fouling our faces. That’s why we always carry lighted mirrors and pliers in our purse, right next to the flask.

In my book Menopause Sucks (gratuitous plug) I wrote that untended black hairs on your chin will make you resemble a Chia pet, and you’ll need to bribe your grandkids for a hug. Blame the problem on hormones and genetics. These two culprits – along with politicians and bad lighting – usually are responsible for most of your problems.

You can’t do a darned thing about heredity. If your ancestors came from the Scandinavian countries, you may never need to shave your legs and you could have a full beard of fine fuzz and no one would notice. However, if your people came from southern Europe, you’ve been shaving since you were ten years old and have a five o’clock shadow by lunchtime. You like to eat meat, and sometimes you cook it first.

As for the hormone issues, you can control them with proper medication, meditation, and massive amounts of Merlot. Hair follicles are extremely sensitive to imbalances of hormones, and your internal estrogen and progesterone factories are rioting and sending baffling signals to the hair growth office in your brain. Then the hair on your head begins to fall out until your once-thick pelt resembles a dog with mange. Don’t worry; the hair will reappear on your chin and toes. This causes stress, and stress exacerbates hair loss. At this stage, the quality of life depends upon your sense of humor and your motivation to get out of bed.

During menopause, you may notice other changes to your hair. My hair was wavy, so to get the popular straight styles I would curl my hair around used orange juice cans, which made for a troublesome night’s sleep and a sticky buildup on my Herman’s Hermits pillowcases. After I entered menopause, I started growing someone else’s hair. It’s dry and thick in the back and so thin on top that my head often shines like the Chrysler Building. I’m giddy to wake up every morning and still have hair to comb. My doctor said it was thyroid issues but in my age-induced confusion I thought she said hemorrhoid problems. That cream didn’t help my hair at all.

To fight hair loss, you can try several products that are available without prescription. These topical ointments take at least six months to activate, so you have time to enjoy other symptoms of age that include hot flashes, mood swings, incontinence, memory lapses, weight gain, sleep problems, and adult acne. The fact that we survive at all is a true testament to our strength, resolve, and refusal to quietly go away.

For middle-aged women, every day brings new opportunities for humiliation, the kind that comes when you sneeze, fart, and wet your pants at the same time, usually in a business meeting. This week I was preparing for a dental appointment when I noticed a mini-redwood growing from my chin that had the dangerous potential to distract the dentist as he was using sharp tools in my mouth. The stubborn hair was rooted in my ribcage so I attacked it with tweezers until there was a huge, bloody hole in my chin. I slathered on some Bag Balm to stop the bleeding then applied perfume to hide the ointment’s pungent smell. I hurried into the office and plopped down on the dental recliner. That’s when I noticed my black boots didn’t match. I didn’t need the laughing gas.

Today’s blog was fueled by a 2008 Basel Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon from Walla Walla Valley. This estate vintage is $40 a bottle and is full-bodied with a touch of cinnamon and flavors of dark fruit. After a glass or two, you won’t care if your chin hairs are long enough to braid.