Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#midlife marriage

Can Midlife Marriage Survive a Prolapsed Bladder?

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“It’s a good thing we aren’t dating in our twenties now,” my husband mused as I stood traumatized in the hospital room while urine sprayed wildly across the floor. “This could cause a young, single guy to escape to a hermit’s cave far away in the wilderness.”

He was trying to make me laugh, and the remark eased my grief. I was almost 50 years old and recuperating from a medical procedure to fix my collapsed bladder. (Stress incontinence is another challenging physical dilemma for midlife women.) The catheter remained attached to my body, but the end had slipped from the collection bag and the errant tube was squirting around the room. I had faint memories of my toddler son doing the same action several decades earlier; however, he laughed, and I did not.

“Why me?” I wailed in total humiliation as I grabbed for the offensive hose and shoved it into the bag. “I’m going to take a shower and might drown myself.” “I’m sure you’ll do the same for me someday,” he said as he reached for some towels and proceeded to clean the mess. “Could you get a fun nurse’s costume?” I laughed and asked him to go find some chocolate and wine. “You probably shouldn’t have any alcohol,” he warned. “You’re on some strong medications that don’t mix well with wine.”

“The party is over,” I answered. “I only agreed to this operation because I was tired of wetting my pants whenever I laughed. Now I can’t have a glass of wine and enjoy some good jokes.” “Should I get some adult diapers, too?” We both laughed. That mutual reaction is what we call making the most of midlife marriage.

A solid marriage makes it easier to handle all the grief

Marriage at midlife doesn’t guarantee total bliss, but we’ve discovered that laughter is better than breaking something, trying drugs, or running away to join a chanting group in India. Every morning I read online reports of treachery, debauchery, and ghastly evilness, and that’s only from the local garden club. A solid marriage makes it easier to handle all the grief, angst, and pure nastiness swirling around us. At the end of the day, we escape all the noise, sit together, and talk about life. And, now I can laugh out loud without wetting my pants.

Middle-aged people know marriage can be the reason they’re happy or miserable. Here are a few suggestions for causing a midlife relationship to endure.

Have a sense of humor

I don’t recommend having bladder problems with someone who can’t make or take a joke. At midlife, many of us encounter a variety of health issues that can strain relationships as our bodies start to betray us. Bladder prolapse ranks high on the list of unpleasant realities. Through it all, try to keep laughing and create a game of listing all the reasons why “It Could Be Worse.” Remember the quote from humorist Erma Bombeck, “He Who Laughs, Lasts.”

Accept the naked truth

At midlife, most of us don’t look as good naked as we did in our twenties. Gravity and sunlight can be punitive, and it doesn’t matter how hard we work out, eat salads, go under the knife, and consume multiple vitamins, we often look and feel older. But, that’s okay because we are! Maybe someday all the anti-ageing warnings in advertising will stop shaming us for getting older and still being alive. The focus should become pro-ageing celebrations. We probably won’t wear a bikini this July, but we’re delighted to enjoy another summer.

It’s party time in the empty nest

After the last child moves away, many middle-aged couples realize they haven’t been alone together in years. The new empty nest is the perfect place and time to reconnect without catering to children. Finally, you can enjoy a candlelit dinner for two and then sleep naked with the bedroom door unlocked. Try that tonight.

Honor and encourage individual activities

I enjoy taking trips to visit friends, see favorite places, or attend writing conferences. My husband encourages me to have fun, and I do the same for him.

Schedule play dates together

Don’t be too busy to enjoy time with each other and find activities you enjoy. We golf together, even though he’s much better than I am, and he joins me for concerts and plays when he’d rather be golfing. Our only standing rule is to avoid crabby people.

Keep the music playing

We usually end the day on the patio with an adult beverage and listen to our favorite playlists. Music enhances the memories, and we continue to update our favorite songs.

Finally, to make the most of midlife marriage and beyond, watch older couples together. You’ll see many who don’t communicate and others who look bitter. Don’t become those people. Other couples look, talk, and dress alike. Don’t become those, either. Choose to emulate the ones holding hands, making regular eye contact, and enjoying public displays of affection. Assume they’re married to each other. Midlife marriage can be the best time of life.

 

 

 

Falling in Love after 50

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Nothing screams “pathetic loser” more than being a middle-aged divorcee alone at a festive party where beautiful couples are trading sloppy kisses and giggling like demented clowns. There’s not enough spiked punch in the world to soften the pain of pretending it doesn’t matter. Many of us graze along the buffet table hoping the crunch of nachos will be louder than the boisterous laughter of young lovers and then we migrate to the bar because all we get to take home is a headache.

We never intended to be divorced at midlife, but it happened.

According to a recent study by Bowling Green State University in Ohio, the divorce rate among people age 46 to 64 has grown more than 50 percent. Almost one-third of baby boomers are single either by divorce, separation or they have never been married. Some are attracted to the single lifestyle while others would trade their original Beatles record collection for some hot passion.

I faced a Christmas alone while in my fifties.

My children were grown with families of their own, and I cheerfully participated in their activities. But I came home every night to an empty house. I unpacked the decorations and forced myself to set up a tree, but the ornaments reminded me of a past life, one that was broken beyond repair. So I turned to retail therapy and bought new ornaments, but it wasn’t the same. Deck the halls with strange boughs of holly was a different song, I didn’t know the verses and my piano was out of tune.

I survived until the wonderful day of December 26 when the world returned to normal. Hairdressers, mailmen and waiters didn’t need to perk up for an extra tip, deranged drivers went back to cutting in line and children didn’t care if the silly elf on the shelf was watching because they had 11 free months to misbehave. And, divorced people could return to work and focus on important things, such as how to lose the extra ten pounds gained while gobbling an entire pecan pie alone on Christmas Eve.

Soon after my winter of discontent, some friends invited me to dinner.

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They just happened to have a recently divorced guest who was visiting from another state. I never turn down a free meal, so I agreed to join them. I met him, also in his fifties and ruggedly handsome, and instantly felt a connection. At dinner, our knees touched under the table during the salad course. We laughed at silly jokes during the entrée, and by dessert, he was feeding me bites of cheesecake. I felt like a goofy teenager.

We spent four days together, often to the chagrin of his abandoned hosts, and then I took him to the airport. It was a scene out of Casablanca, complete with winter fog and drama. He held me close and whispered, “We’ll always have Boise.” Then he tipped his hat, sauntered through security and hollered, “Here’s looking at you, Kid.”

I drove home, wondering if he remembered my real name wasn’t Kid. But, it didn’t matter. I was smitten and it felt good. Of all the towns, in all the world, he walked into mine. He called when he landed at the next airport and was about to change planes. “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship,” he said. “Say it again,” I said, “For old times’ sake.” And, yes, at that moment we were Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman but without the messy Nazi and farewell forever scenes.

We enjoyed a long-distance relationship over the next few months. Actually, it’s better to talk on the telephone because that’s when you really get to know someone without the physical distractions. After two months of fabulous phone fantasy, he made plans to return to Idaho. We embraced in the airport like long-lost lovers. I expected a crew from central casting to yell “Action” as we clung together in frantic passion. I think I heard music from a mysterious gospel choir but I never saw them again.

At midlife, adults know what they want and don’t want.

There is no time for games because we never know when we’ll get struck by a bus or wander onto a bus and never return. We accept our partner’s wrinkles and well-earned laugh lines, and we’re positively giddy that we can enjoy romance again. My more-than-significant-other got a job in Idaho, moved in with me and we never looked back. He loved my children and I loved his. One benefit of middle-aged marriage is that there aren’t any in-law issues to handle. Our surviving parents just want us to be happy. If only they could remember our names!

We married on an island in Greece with a bevy of Greeks who couldn’t speak English. We sang, ate and danced beside the sea. The following Christmas we hung mistletoe over the doorway and in front of children and grandchildren we kissed, much longer than necessary. We celebrated our current love and future journey, ever mindful that we could have missed this splendid opportunity for happiness. Occasionally I’ll bring home a cheesecake to refresh the memories of our first dinner together. We share a few bites, floss and take our vitamins and then turn down the lights.

 

Published on The Huffington Post December 14, 2015

Midlife Cabernet: Midlife Marriage can be Marvelous

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If you’re trying to choose your wedding musician, consider a little one-eyed Greek playing a goat bladder. That worked for us.

Studley and I met after being divorced from marriages that had lasted more than 22 years. We weren’t proud of those failures, but we were willing to take another chance on love and life. Based upon our successful experience, here are some advantages of midlife marriage:

1. There is no pressure to have the “perfect wedding.” We’ve all attended lavish ceremonies for marriages that ended before the bar bill was paid. At our age, we’re celebrating the fact that someone else wants to say “I do” and we prefer something non-traditional. With a no-host bar.

2. There’s aren’t any in-law issues. Three of our four parents have passed away and my sweet mother suffers from dementia. She can’t remember his name…or mine.

3. Make your own arrangements and pay the expenses. One of my favorite movies is Mama Mia but the quaint little Greek church shown in the movie isn’t available for weddings. Besides, I would have fallen off the narrow path leading to the church. So we used frequent flyer miles and a timeshare to get married at the quaint Anezina Village Hotel on the Greek island of Paros.

4. Skip the wedding planner. Our simple accommodations were owned by a jolly Greek woman named Maria and her adult son Stavros. She adopted us when we arrived and planned an authentic, Ancient Greek wedding complete with borrowed togas, head wreaths of laurel vines, and a Greek Orthodox priest who couldn’t speak English. The ceremony took place outside a chapel on a hill overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. Priceless.

5. Skip the buffet line. Our hostess cooked an amazing meal to celebrate the wedding and invited all the other guests who were staying at the resort. Music was provided by a shy man pounding on a drum and the little one-eyed Greek who played a goat bladder. A few cases of wine completed the festivities, and we all danced until dawn.

6. Look beyond the body. At midlife, we have some wrinkles, age spots, receding hairlines, and flabby guts despite hundreds of sit-ups. But true love comes from within, in that deep, dark recess of the heart and mind that says “Take another chance. This time it will work.”

Someday we’ll return to Paros and hike to the chapel overlooking the sea. I hope it’s to celebrate another festive anniversary.

Midlife Cabernet: Should You Expect or Give Gifts after the Third Marriage?

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My friend recently got married and I sent her a card. I wished her well, but after five previous husbands I think the gift obligation has expired. She had four divorces and one husband died, so she gets special dispensation for the widow role.

Couples who have lived together for years and/or have been married several times often send requests for money to help pay for the honeymoon or mortgage or divorce lawyer. I handle these invitations based upon a strict set of guidelines. For the first wedding, give a nice present. The second also receives a gift as long as we’re good friends. The third wedding, however, starts to diminish in priority as far as me slobbering over a gift registry. I’m eager to meet for lunch or to share a celebratory bottle of nice wine, but don’t expect monogrammed towels from me.

Those of us who reach middle-age with multiple marriages are thankful when we finally get it right but we don’t need or expect gifts. We’ll be happy with a personal letter that says, “Congratulations! Don’t mess up this one!”

In the classic movie Fiddler on the Roof, the wedding scene was simple and loving. Family members and friends gave quilts, pillows, and kitchen goods to help the young couple establish their first home. Recent wedding movies, however, focus on the last days of freedom for the hapless future groom or bride. Somehow the theme has lost its loving feeling for the sake of some slapstick laughs.

I’ll stick with my favorite wedding movies: My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Mama Mia, and Four Weddings and a Funeral. All celebrate the union of two people who love each other and want to share the occasion with loved ones. No one is pressured to show up with a toaster or a hideous collectible that will be donated to charity before the thank you note is mailed.

For those of you invited to a wedding ceremony involving middle-aged people who have been married many times before, offer best wishes and consider making a donation to the couple’s favorite charity. For anyone planning another wedding, go have fun and believe that the best is yet to come. Optimism is the perfect gift.