Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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survival

Can We Laugh Again Before Summer?

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Some of you are getting crabby, and it’s not a good look. My New Year’s Resolution is to laugh at least once a week until I snort liquid out my nose. It’s a noble goal.

Ages ago, well maybe last year, I presented humorous speeches and enjoyed sharing laughter with my audience. Now, I peer at little boxes of faces on a Zoom webinar workshop and try to engage positive conversation while I manage a chat room, manipulate my slides, pause to answer a question, and follow a volatile outline of useful information. Next year, I am determined to gather a few living people and tell stories. Their laughter may be muffled behind masks, but I’ll savor the eye contact and the personal connection. Can we aim for summer to once again laugh together?

I can imagine future parties where we’ll find the group of gregarious guests gathered next to the punch bowl because they have the best punch lines. The most successful events will create a positive atmosphere where you can mingle with joyful people, nosh on appetizers, toast the New Year, toast every year, toast a new Instant Pot recipe, and laugh yourself silly. The horrors and hindsight of 2020 will be banned from conversation.

(Note: This encouragement to be happy doesn’t negate the true tragedies of this year. Many people have lost loved ones, many remain in the hospital, people lost their businesses, and there is an increase in cases of depression and domestic abuse. My message is to prompt hope we can smile again in the future.)

In learning to laugh again, some women may fear bouts of boisterous laughter because guffawing makes them wet their pants. I don’t see any problems with that. By midlife we either accept that our bodies will betray and embarrass us on a daily basis, or we go live in the basement with a carton of ice cream and watch sad movies. (Been there, done that, no fun.) It takes brave risk-takers to chuckle and chortle with wild abandon.

I once caused more than 800,000 people to laugh because of my viral essay titled, “Don’t Fart During an MRI.” HuffPost Live interviewed me from New York. Now, the story follows me everywhere. Let’s return to humor, even if we need to act like children and fart out loud. You go first.

Donna Beckman Tagliaferri and Anne Bardsley enjoy serious discussion before the writing retreat.

Did you know laughter is good for your health? Studies show that regular laughing boosts your immune system, oxygenates your blood, tightens your stomach muscles (hallelujah!), and releases healthy chemicals in your brain that improve your mood. A cheerful heart really is the best medicine.

In case you’ve forgotten how to laugh, here’s a simple technique to practice in quiet solitude when your calendar is empty, and we all know it is. The exercise applies to all ages, all sexes, every ethnic category, most religions, and even some Southern Baptists:

1. Squint your eyes.
2. Pull your mouth into a tight grin
3. Make a high squeal then lower your voice and make a series of “Ha, Ha, Ha.”
4. Rock back and forth.
5. Repeat several times.

If that doesn’t make you chuckle, it certainly will amuse those around you. Next year, make it a mission to laugh several times a week and you’ll discover more people want to be around you, even on Zoom. Be the light of laughter among the growing hordes of miserable people desperately searching for a chuckle. It’s your duty and solemn responsibility to share the joy, so go forth and laugh. You’re all invited over next summer.

How to Survive Menopause without Getting Arrested

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Approximately 6,000 women enter menopause every day in the United States. That means by Friday, we could populate a small town with sweating, crying inhabitants with indigestion and hairy toes. By the end of the month, we could have a city the size of Gilbert, Arizona with 180,000 women helplessly hurled into hormonal havoc. Get out of their way because some of them are in a testy mood.

It’s a crying shame that we could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. Only the strongest species on earth could survive hot flashes, incontinence, hair loss, age spots, uncontrollable flatulence, and erratic mood swings after forty. Someone give us a crown and a plate of cookies!

While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges. For the most part, every single symptom of menopause is caused by one reason, and one reason alone: hormones. It seems that your body makes several different kinds of hormones that love to cavort through your body and play havoc with your sanity. Two major players are called estrogen and progesterone. In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!” As with most power-hungry rascals, estrogen likes to change the rules every now and then just to confuse you.

As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.

But why not make it a multi-generational issue! It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat. Don’t give up! Soon, these symptoms will pass and you’ll be too old to remember anything.

To survive the physical and mental annoyances that assault your body and mind during menopause, here are some helpful suggestions that have absolutely no basis in medical fact:

  1. Take all your pointy-toed shoes and line them up in the driveway. Then drive over them several times before you throw them away. Your feet will feel fabulous and you’ll get rid of some latent aggression.
  2. Cool your steaming head with a boxes of frozen diet food that have been languishing in your freezer for the past ten years. You’re never going to eat them anyway so you might as well put them to good use.
  3. The next time a telemarketer calls, start explaining your ailments and frustrations in graphic detail. Don’t stop until the caller starts to cry. Then hang up.
  4. Feeling lonely? Email your friends that you’ve decided to give all your money to that nice young man who emailed from Nigeria. Then sit back and wait for them to scurry over for a visit.
  5. If you experience uncontrollable urges to shop and eat (and who doesn’t), just blame it all on menopause. You can shop and eat for less than $30 if you wander through the aisles at Costco and feast on all the free samples. Then buy a case of wine, a huge jar of chocolate covered peanuts, and a twelve-pound pie and then call your friends over for a party. To be prudent, don’t forget the year’s supply of toilet paper.
  6. Symptoms of menopause can make you forgetful and absent-minded. Write your kid’s names on their foreheads with a Magic Marker Pen so you don’t have to go through the irritation of memorizing their names every day.
  7. Menopause can make you magnificent! That’s baloney, but claim that as your mantra if it makes you feel better. Remember, this all will pass someday and then you’ll be too old to care anymore.

The main goals of surviving menopause are to stay alive and to sleep with both legs under the covers. If we can achieve these noble visions and avoid arrest, we’ll laugh all the way to bingo night at the Senior Center.

 

 

 

Adapted from the book Menopause Sucks by Joanne Kimes and Elaine Ambrose.

Published by Adams Media.

Nature’s Law: Run Fast or Die

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deer carcass cabin

We recently arrived at our mountain cabin in central Idaho and discovered a flock of eagles eating the bloody carcass of a deer. The raw, vivid scene made me appreciate the true drama of life and death in the wilderness. I was also grateful for strong doors with locks because it felt much safer to be secure inside the cabin while hearing the howls of nearby wolves and the night screams of prowling cougars. So far there is no proof that wild animals can pick locks.

In the light of day, we inspected the animal tracks around the body and concluded that a mountain lion had killed the deer because the carcass was intact. Wolves and coyotes usually tear apart their prey and scatter the bones. After the wild animals had devoured most of the flesh, the eagles and other birds had picked off every extra scrap. Two days later, only a few ragged bones remained in the blood-stained snow. Some people photograph bunnies and kittens; I take pictures of ravaged skeletons.

mt lion snow

The brutal but accepted scene verified two important laws of nature that could apply to human life: to survive, you must get up every morning, rely on yourself, or die. Second law: Scavengers can’t be too persnickety because leftovers are better than nothing.

Here are some more nuggets of knowledge that you should know when comparing nature to real life:

  1. Survival is the daily goal of wild animals. When you roll out of bed each morning, you should squint into the mirror, growl from the depths of your loins, and decide which problems to vanquish by noon. You don’t have to be the fastest runner; just be able to run faster than one other person.
  2. Hunger is a strong motivator. Your New Year’s diet of carrots and broccoli won’t keep you in predator mode. Just as the savage cougar seeks a tasty deer, fuel yourself with proteins, and eat healthy meals. You can cook your steaks, if necessary.
  3. Choose your pack carefully. Be with others who share and value your goals. For a good time, share a fresh and tasty meal with friends. Humans have a major advantage over the animals because you can pair your food with delicious wines.
  4. Be able to recognize and escape predators. Sometimes it feels as if you are running for your life as you navigate jobs, families, marriages, community responsibilities, and home maintenance. Remember to avoid dangerous negative people who will suck out your energy and steal your snacks. You should also take time to escape the rat race and schedule a few hours to relax before you go back into the jungle. Take a cue from the wild cats that sleep most of the day, and go take a nap.
  5. Scavengers have their role. Improvise your talents for utilizing leftovers, including food, clothes, or clutter. Create a way to use the scraps or give them away or toss them into the garbage. The animals don’t waste anything, and they live lean. They don’t wear cargo pants with multiple pockets or rent storage units, and you shouldn’t either.

deer in meadow

Finally, knowing wild life facts could make you an interesting guest at boring dinner parties. When a stuffy guest pontificates about some absurd topic, just announce with conviction that a mule deer can run up to 40 miles per hour but a mountain lion can sprint at speeds up to 50 miles per hour and can jump upon the deer’s back and crush its neck. That should amaze and impress everyone. If not, just growl and clean your plate.