Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Midlife Cabernet: Do You Cook a Signature Dish?

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Chicken parmesan is my family’s favorite meal, and I tackle the process like a woman obsessed. The ritual never varies: First, everyone must leave the kitchen. Then I tie on an apron and continue with the most important task: I open a bottle of red wine. The experience won’t be a success without that important step, and I am under pressure to produce another stellar recipe so who am I to alter the technique?

Then I assemble all the ingredients and take a sip of wine. For the sauce, I sauté fresh onions, red peppers, green peppers, and garlic in extra-virgin olive oil (imported from Italy, of course.) Then I add tomato sauce and let it simmer. The delightful aroma causes Studley to peek into the kitchen but I shoo him away and take another sip of wine.

Then I cut up fresh chicken, dip it in a raw egg mixture, roll it in Italian bread crumbs and shredded fresh parmesan cheese and brown the pieces in olive oil. It takes several pans to brown all the chicken, so I take a few more sips of wine while it cooks. By this time, spattered oil covers the stove, the counters, and my apron. The wine is getting better, so I really don’t care.

Then I spread the simmered sauce into casserole dishes followed by the chicken and layers of sauce, shredded mozzarella cheese, grated parmesan cheese, and more sauce. I cover the pans with tin foil and slide them into an oven heated to 350 degrees for about 45 minutes. Then I sit down to sip wine and ignore the mountain of dirty pans, greasy utensils, empty cheese containers, and spilled bread crumbs that make my kitchen resemble a bad day at an Italian mess hall. It’s usually cleaned up before midnight.

Chicken parmesan tastes better the next day after all the flavors have mingled and the dish has cooled and then reheated. For a splendid dinner, I serve it with more sauce, crusty bread, a vegetable dish, and a green salad. For some reason, the original bottle of wine usually is empty, but there will be another one. For a brief moment at dinner time, all is right with the world.

Midlife Cabernet: Your an Idiot

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I often need a good smack across the head to remind me to restrict all public commentary on social media to my favorite topics: writing, wine, and wit. The slightest endeavor into random remarks about politics or religion can cause an exchange of retorts from strangers and casual acquaintances that ends with their inevitable written proclamation: “Your an idiot!” This illiterate insult is wrong in so many ways.

In this brave new world of political correctness, don’t be naïve in assuming you are entitled to your own feisty opinions. Not when there are Social Media Nazis, bored loners, and potential clients around every laptop. Here are five ways to avoid the temptation to type, text, or tweet spontaneous comments you could regret:

1. During political election season, wrap duct tape and electric barbed wire around your fingers so you won’t comment on the obscene orgy of political crap swirling around social media. Be prepared to take the ultimate extreme measure of unplugging your computer. Some hyperventilating and drooling may occur.

2. During religious holidays, be true to your own spiritual beliefs but don’t call others demented spawns of the devil if they prefer to worship the moon or the ocean or Krispy Kreme.

3. If an anonymous person criticizes you on the Internet, don’t spend a week tracing his or her entire online history to create a retaliatory manifesto. That only means the terrorists have won.

4. Go ahead and write a clever and caustic quip, save it to savor the next day, and then delete it.

5. Remember that everything you publish on the Internet will remain there for your great-grandchildren to find and then publish in a tell-all book that will be turned into a horror movie. Then people will pay money to visit and spit upon your grave. Don’t be that person.

This week I was sucked into two exchanges on Facebook that I should have avoided. I knew before I hit send that I shouldn’t respond but I couldn’t help myself. All I wanted in return was a simple, “Interesting point of view.” But, no. My comments made me a corrupt capitalist responsible for the damnation of society. And this was from people I’d never met.

To be fair (and balanced), I enjoy a good debate and am guilty of provoking a compelling argument. I regularly banter about politics on Facebook with a guy named Eric. I’ve never met him, but we’re not vicious. Sometimes I add a happy face emoticon just to say “It’s okay. Let’s not kill each other today.” And, he appears to have a commanding knowledge of basic grammar.

Anonymity on the Internet makes it easier to snarl in seclusion and condemn others with wild abandon. I’m waiting for global inspiration that will instill a passion for unity, issue a clarion call for respect and cooperation among all peoples, and demand an end to illiterate insults. Yes, I’m yearning for that glorious day when people come together to sing in the village square and know the difference between your and you’re. These expectations are perhaps too grandiose to accomplish, but, after all, we are entering the blessed season of miracles.

Today’s blog was fueled by a 2010 “O” Fidélitas red wine from Yakima Valley. This smooth, tasty wine is a delightful blend of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, and Cabernet Franc. It’s about $35 a bottle and is guaranteed to promote feelings of cheer and good will toward all God’s creatures.

Midlife Cabernet – Female Friends (like Wine) Get Better with Age

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With great gusto and energetic enthusiasm, I have contributed to the growth and success of the wine industry because I enjoy meeting friends for a drink (or bottle) of wine. It’s a duty I willing accept as part of my mission to help stimulate the economy. I should receive a plaque from the local Chambers of Commerce, but a case of wine would be better.

My mother often shared a pot of Maxwell House coffee with her friends, and she would spatter the table with matching china and dainty napkins. A really special friend would be offered pastel mints in a crystal bowl. They would sip their drinks, share meatloaf recipes, and murmur about how the music of The Beatles came straight from Satan. I observed these rituals with a sense of wonder and confusion and never was offered any pastel mints.

I didn’t have time for morning coffee klatches when I was juggling young children and a career. Home-brewed coffee in a travel mug got me to work and the habit sustained me for several decades. Life got better with age and then the kids got older, I no longer worked full-time, and I discovered that no, I wasn’t Super Woman, and I’d rather lift a wine glass than a briefcase. Who knew? I’d been climbing the corporate ladder in heels when I should have been sashaying in perky sandals to meet friends at the nearest wine bar.

One benefit of being this old is that I have friends who range in age from their twenties to their seventies. We meet for a glass of wine to celebrate important events, such as if the sun came up again. Instead of swapping stories about meatloaf recipes we analyze a variety of topics from modern literature to midlife libido. Next week I have six appointments to meet different friends, including a 35-year-old with two small children and several jobs, a 40-year-old divorced woman with a court victory, a 50-year-old with teenagers and her own business, and a 59-year-old friend I’ve known since 1968. Another one is a bleeding-heart liberal and the other one thinks the president is the anti-christ. Still, we meet, share laughs, clink our wine glasses, and order another round. And, as I remember from the Maxwell House commercials, it’s always good to the last drop.

Today’s blog was fueled by a bottle of 2009 Ferrari-Carnano Cabernet Sauvignon from Alexander Valley. This tasty wine offers tastes of black cherry, mocha, vanilla bean and caramel. It’s about $28 and worth sharing with a special friend. No pastel mints required.