Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

Midlife Cabernet: Does this Medal make my Books look Big?

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elaine book medalSometime, for a breathless, brief moment in time, the stars are aligned, nothing aches, and life is beyond splendid. A recent reading and book signing event at Rediscovered Bookstore in Boise validated the fact that life gets better with age and I’m damn fortunate to be this old and this happy. And, I’m sober!

The evening started with a “business meeting” with my writing buddy Amanda Turner. As usual, I was late so I dashed into Fork Restaurant balancing my bloated bags of books. As usual, she was early and had ordered red wine, fried asparagus, and onion rings. (This is a true friend.) We gobbled our goodies, planned a writer’s retreat, and dashed to the bookstore. I didn’t have time to worry about my appearance or fret if my chubby cheeks would jiggle as I read.

After sixty years, I’m finally feeling comfortable in my skin; all of it.

I read from my new book Midlife Cabernet and proudly showed the book’s recent Silver Medal for Humor from the Independent Publisher Book Awards program. The attendees included writers, friends, and a few teachers and their students, and they listened politely and laughed and clapped at the appropriate places. After a few questions, I signed books and then the group dispersed to enjoy the downtown festivities. I sold all the books I brought, and my burden was noticeably lighter.

I drove back to Eagle and decided to celebrate the fun evening with a glass of wine at Crush Wine Bar. A group of lively women sat on the patio and offered me a piece of birthday cake. How could I refuse? But this wasn’t any ordinary cake; this masterpiece was a decadent concoction of chocolate, salted caramel, and butter cream frosting. It paired nicely with a bold Cabernet.

I asked to meet the cake chef and was introduced to Lori Renn, owner of My Wicked Whisk Gourmet Cakes and Cupcakes in Eagle. I gave my name and she squealed, “OMG, I’m reading your book!” So, I squealed back, “And I’m eating your cake!” Another friendship solidified through the power of books, dessert, and wine.

I wrote this blog on the patio while the birthday party women laughed in the background and perky music blared from the outdoor speakers. Then I waved farewell and drove home to hug Studley and tell him all about my delightful day. It seemed as if the universe arbitrarily dumped a bucket of bliss over me and I was floating downstream on good vibrations.

Everyone should be as happy, or at least less mad. Society needs an attitude adjustment right now. There is too much angst and anger in the world, especially on the Internet. I refuse to read rabid comments and packaged political pontifications from those on the far left or the far right. The vitriol solves nothing. I don’t know how we got to this level of animosity among total strangers, but I’ll do my best to add a few laughs when and where I can.

On a warm summer night in the conflicted State of Idaho, there was laughter and wine and birthday cake. On the patio, finishing my blog, I imagined blowing out the candles and wished the positive feeling could permeate the airwaves and soften the hearts and minds of all the jerks who spew their online hatred. And, if I could, I’d tell them to turn off the computer, find a peaceful patio, and eat cake.

Midlife Weddings and Goat Bladder Ballads

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greek wedding drummer

The wedding invitations are arriving, and I study each one using analytical, investigative skills that could qualify me for a reality show as an oracle. Future bliss or pending doom can be detected from the aura of the invitation. Here is some unsolicited but free advice from someone who has been around the punch bowl a few times.

1. Tiny script surrounded by gaudy illustrations of flowers, birds, and glittery ribbons means the couple is too young to get married and should opt instead for a Hello Kitty theme party. If I can’t read the words and the return address, I certainly can’t send a gift.

2. Don’t fill half the invitation by naming all the parents, step-parents, and significant others. We don’t care.

3. Don’t send cute but obnoxious invitations from your kids or pets or attorney. We can’t be fooled.

4. Don’t ask for money in lieu of gifts. I don’t need any more bills in the mail, and I’d probably send a check anyway but I want that to be MY idea.

5. After the second wedding, don’t send invitations to the sequel unless you’re providing a catered banquet and open bar. We’ll come for that.

6. Most midlife marriages are best announced after the ceremony and include an invitation to a joyful, raucous party that ends before midnight because we can’t dance until dawn anymore.

My husband and I met after we had raised children, established careers, and knew how to manage money. That means we had distinct advantages over most young couples. And, there were no in-law issues. Our one living parent has dementia and can’t remember our names, anyway.

greek wedding

Instead of attempting a traditional marriage, we eloped to the Greek island of Paros and stayed in a quaint resort near the Mediterranean Sea. Our hostess arranged an ancient wedding ceremony, complete with linen togas, laurel wreaths on our heads, and a priest who couldn’t speak English. Music was provided by a little one-eyed musician playing a goat bladder.

After the ceremony near a chapel overlooking the sea, we proceeded back to the resort. (Yes, I love the movie “Mama Mia” but we chose not to sing to each other on a narrow, windswept cliff.) Wine flowed and platters of homemade food passed among strangers who stopped to join the festivities. The resort owner gave us white almonds tied in mesh bags, saying in broken English that the gifts were usually given to encourage fertility, and we promised to keep trying. We ended the evening by dancing and laughing with people we’ll never see again.

Our wedding was perfect for us. The expenses for the trip were less than the cost of a traditional wedding, and we didn’t need any toasters or towels. Our grown children were sad they missed the event, but someday we’ll take them all back to Paros. I hope we can find the delightful musicians. Every marriage should be blessed with an authentic ballad played by a little one-eyed man with a goat bladder. That tradition has survived for centuries in Greece, and we know that, finally, our marriage will last, too.

How to Plan the Perfect Patio for Your Empty Nest

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patio (1)When my kids were little, the back yard contained a haphazard collection of toys, bikes, balls, swings, sand boxes, stray shoes, discarded bandages, frog collections, and roaming neighbor kids. After the children grew up and acquired their own child-friendly yards, I moved into a smaller house and designed a grown-up patio, complete with an unsafe water feature, a dangerous fire pit, and an outdoor refrigerator stocked with wine and beer. There are advantages to getting older.

This patio also has a hot tub, and Studley and I don’t need to be burdened with the necessity to wear swim suits. We can soak while sipping cocktails and not fret that a child might see such a haunting vision and possibly be scarred for life. There is a light-covered grape arbor leading to a rusty bench, a granite-topped bar, a working replica of Manneken Pis, and an open fish pond. Obviously, this patio is for adults only, thank you.

We enjoy the patio almost every evening. Given the choice to go out to dinner or a party, we’d rather sit outside with a cheese plate and an adult beverage. That’s a luxury we didn’t have when our children lived at home, we worked full-time jobs, and we learned at bedtime that it was our turn to furnish snacks for school the next day. Canned frosting hastily smeared between graham crackers was my go-to treat.

You can create your own midlife patio, too, with a few helpful tips:

1. Collect photographs of patios you like. Attend home and garden exhibits for ideas and local advice. You may have rules through your homeowners association, so check before you build any giant structures.

2. Establish a budget and consider how much you can do yourself. Remember you’re saving money by not paying for school clothes, field trips, prom dresses, and counseling. Allocate those funds to your midlife patio.

3. Consider removing the grass. You probably won’t be camping or swinging in your yard anymore, so create a design that uses less water and labor. There’s no grass in my back yard because the landscape incorporates pavers, boulders, sturdy bushes, and flower pots with automatic drip lines.

4. Invest in quality patio furniture. It’s tempting to buy the cheap plastic chairs from discount stores, but they need to be replaced regularly. If you intend to spend hours on your patio, it’s best to do so on padded, swivel chairs or recliners.

5. Consider a fish pond. We have Koi and goldfish, and they make the perfect pets. No mess to clean up, no kennel needed, and they hibernate all winter. Too bad kids aren’t like that.

I do miss the laughter and commotion of my energetic children. But now my grandkids have their own fun yards to play in, and we visit them often to join in the activities. Then it’s always nice to come home, light the fire pit, and talk in the private retreat of our empty nest. And, there is no need to pick up any toys or dog poop.

Southfork River Sonnet

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Southfork River Sonnet

A sliver of river now dappled with rain,
Embraces the melt from the snow-covered ridges,
Dividing the meadows and mountain terrain
As it flows through the canyons, beneath weathered bridges.
From cities they come in the warm summer days,
As they bounce over rocks in their guided plump rafts.
When they cherish adventure, the river obeys,
And the air is resplendent with singing and laughs.
Too soon leaves turn gold and fly free from the trees,
While the river recedes and the levels get low.
The hairy fat elk herds prepare for the freeze,
And the river awaits the fulfillment of snow.
Then cold waters return as they have through the years,
And the river responds with a song no one hears.

(c) Elaine Ambrose

Midlife Cabernet: Survival Guide for a Glamorous Gala

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The invitation seemed fun: a charity event with a theme of women, shoes, and wine. What could go wrong? I arrived alone, eagerly anticipating a fun evening but instead I found a sorority initiation and I had been blackballed by secret ballot. They forgot to tell me.

The room overflowed with young, beautiful women dressed in tiny white dresses and prancing about on stiletto heels. I stood in low, sensible sandals wearing a multi-colored dress that wouldn’t wrinkle or show wine stains. My outfit covered my cleavage and thighs, which is more than I can say for the other dresses. I felt like a middle-aged, iron-deficient matron surrounded by Vegas show girls.

I paid good money (25% deductible) to be there, so I picked up my commemorative wine glass and entered the soirée. I endured the evening by using this hastily devised survival guide modeled after the five stages of dealing with grief and sorrow.

1. Denial. Once, there was no way in hell that I couldn’t command everyone in the room to look up when I arrived. But now people couldn’t glance beyond their appetizer plate when I entered, and the chirpy young woman at the registration table hollered, “And, who are you?” I retorted, “I’m your worst nightmare, Honey.” I refused to believe that I was twice as old and weighed 50% more that the ebullient host and her entourage. Please note: Denial is best tolerated with a bold Cabernet. Or two.
2. Anger. Immediately I regretted wearing my frumpy outfit and boring shoes. Didn’t I read the invitation? Did I assume it would be a hootenanny down at the feed store? How could I allow myself to morph into a cartoon character for the crazy old aunt? Why didn’t I wear the fancy high-heeled shoes that cost more per square inch than ocean-view property? Didn’t all these spoiled debutants know that gravity eventually will win and in a few years all those perky boobs will be lolling down near the floor? Yes, I was that snarky and insecure.
3. Bargaining. After a few minutes, I was willing to trade my car to go back in time thirty years. But, there were no takers and I really liked my car.
4. Depression. After I realized that the energy of the evening didn’t need me, I felt deflated. But that just prompted another trip to the dessert table and wine bar. Sugar and fermented grapes continue to provide my go-to pick-me-up.
5. Acceptance. I finally acknowledged that the statuesque blond strutting in a transparent shrink-wrapped tube of material was gorgeous, and I accepted the fact that this beauty wasn’t me. Finally, after maneuvering through the crowd of pampered princesses, I stood alone and embraced the reality that I was comfortable in my own skin, every wrinkled and worn expanse of it. Acceptance is so much more fun than dwelling in anger and depression.
I stayed long enough to sample the delicious appetizers and savor the appealing wine. Then I left unnoticed and entered an elevator full of lovely young women holding their shoes.
“My feet are killing me!’ one exclaimed.
“I don’t have periods anymore,” I said. Then I walked into the night, smiling in the twilight of wise old age.

New Book for Middle-Aged Women Wins National IPPY Humor Award

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photo (2)Midlife Cabernet – Life, Love & Laughter after Fifty by Idaho author Elaine Ambrose won the Silver Medal for Humor in the annual Independent Publisher Book Award (IPPY) competition that honors independent authors and publishers worldwide. More than 6,000 entries were judged in this year’s competition to recognize and reward independent spirit and creativity in publishing. Awards will be given on May 28 in New York City.

Midlife Cabernet was published by Mill Park Publishing of Eagle. Ambrose founded the company to publish works by local women writers and donate proceeds to local charities. This is the company’s second IPPY award, and Ambrose’s other books also have won a national humor award from ForeWord Magazine and five awards from recent competitions sponsored by the Idaho Book Extravaganza.

“We are thrilled to receive another award to acknowledge quality books from Mill Park Publishing,” said Ambrose. “The success of Midlife Cabernet proves there are millions of middle-aged women who would rather laugh than break something, preferably while holding a bold Cabernet.”

A national review by ForeWord Reviews wrote that, “Elaine Ambrose’s Midlife Cabernet is an Erma Bombeck-esque tribute to women who are over fifty and ready to explore life on new terms. It’s a humorous and sassy-yet-compassionate view of life over the hill, as well as a retrospective on the climb to the top. The writing and mechanics are solid, and the tone is cheerful and friendly in a punchy and humorous series of essays.”

In the past few years, Mill Park Publishing has donated more than $10,000 to local non-profit organizations and charities. Proceeds from the novel The Angel of Esperança by Judith McConnell Steele provided $1,000 to fund a Writer in the Schools teacher sponsored by The Cabin. Other recipients include Dress for Success Treasure Valley, the Women’s and Children’s Alliance, the West Valley YMCA, the University of Idaho music program, and the Idaho Writers Guild.

Ambrose is the author of nine books, including the bestseller Menopause Sucks. Her blog “Midlife Cabernet” is featured on www.Blogher.com and on her web site www.test.elaineambrose.com. Mill Park Publishing also organizes writer’s retreats throughout the year, and details are listed on www.MillParkPublishing.com. Books are available from the web sites, amazon.com, and local book stores.