Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

Midlife Cabernet – Waiting for the Prize Patrol

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I recently visited my mother in her assisted living facility, and she was sitting in her wheelchair looking at a copy of ESPN Magazine.

“Studying for the Super Bowl?” I asked.

“No,” she responded. “I don’t like sports.”

I noticed the stack of magazines on her table. FORBES. MENS HEALTH. EBONY. JET. YOGA TODAY. ELLE.

“Have you been taking your medications, Mom?” I asked, wondering about her sudden interest in all things young and masculine.

“I don’t like those magazines,” she answered. “I’m waiting for my prize.”

She wheeled over to her dresser and pulled out a large envelope stuffed with “official” letters and postcards from the Office of the Sr. Vice President of PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE announcing that she was in the Winners Circle! Yes, she only had a limited time to return the card with the Official Authorization Code to be eligible to collect her millions in prizes! But, the time-sensitive message was urgent! “The next step is up to you!” screamed the bold text highlighted in bright yellow. “You could be just days away from winning! Respond today!!!!!” And, of course, it wouldn’t hurt to subscribe to some of these magazines….

My mother had dutifully written notes on each and every letter: day received, amount of check enclosed, day check mailed. She already had subscribed to most of the women’s magazines, including Cooking (she doesn’t have a kitchen), and Oprah (empowerment has never been part of her lifestyle). I tallied up the orders, and she had paid for 32 magazine subscriptions, some of them until 2016. And, there was no Prize Patrol pounding on her door.

My mother is not stupid, just frail. She’s a Depression-era woman who knows the value of a penny, and thirty years ago she helped my father manage several large businesses. In her defense, I know that she grew up in a time when women took oaths to “obey,” and they believed every official-looking document they received. The evil hucksters at PCS know how to manipulate these innocent people, but the fraud they are committing against the elderly should be labeled a criminal offense.

I’m trying to get the subscriptions cancelled, but that’s almost as difficult as winning anything. I’m thinking about staging an event to have some people show up at her door with balloons and a big (worthless) check. I really want her to get a prize.

I took home some of the magazines (along with her checkbook) and opened a bottle of 2008 Catena Malbec. I found this spicy, full-bodied wine for only $22 at Seasons Wine Bar in Eagle. It pairs nicely with a copy of Fortune Magazine…..

Midlife Sex: When Your Libido Goes Limp

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Hide the kids. Valentine’s Day soon will be here, so it’s time to get a glass of Cabernet and discuss midlife sex…

I used to get annoyed at sexist jokes that portrayed the unfeeling woman as hard to get and the poor man as the suffering victim begging for some action. I was just the opposite, and all my husband had to do was touch me and I sprang into action like a musical jack-in-the-box. The clown suit was optional. We had to sneak time for intimacy, which was usually interrupted because the teenagers came home with a gang of their friends. Or worse, they didn’t come home and we were up half the night calling around to find them.

But after I reached perimenopause, I lost the energy and desire to muster up any more than a goodnight kiss. Sometimes even a cursory wave was all I could do. Rearranging the furniture was more pleasurable, so who needed sex when the couch and chair were in perfect fung shei harmony?

After consulting with my doctor, she recommended a low-dose prescription of testosterone on a temporary basis. When I expressed concern about growing a beard and developing an urgent need to scratch my genitals, she assured me that I wouldn’t instantly acquire manly traits. She said that testosterone affects sex drive and is important for arousal, sexual response, lubrication, and orgasm. I took the prescription for three months and found it to be very effective. I assume that the brief use of the drug reminded my brain that “Hey. This sex stuff is fun.” I still scratched my genitals from time to time, but that was my choice.

Emotional factors can inhibit your sex drive, and you can blame your lack of desire on too much stress. Your adrenal glands make estrogen and testosterone, which are essential in creating sexual response. If you’re overstressed and exhausted, your body kicks into survival mode and your pleasure becomes secondary. Basically, your brain sends out signals that you would rather live than lust.

Adrenal fatigue is the official medical term caused by constant stress and high cortisol levels. Your adrenal glands act as control centers for many of your body’s hormones and your adrenals release sudden bursts of energy for temporary emergency use. Besides producing estrogen and testosterone, your adrenal glands make other hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. Your body uses cortisol to convert proteins into energy. Your ancestors needed adrenaline and cortisol for immediate energy to run away from a hungry tiger, but then they rested in a cozy cave and then mated like wild animals under a jungle moon.

Now fast forward from the wilderness to your wild and hectic life. You have overloaded your body’s capacity to process adrenal hormones that were originally designed to work only as a temporary response in periodic times of tension. You have overstressed your stress regulators because your body is tensed all the time because you’re always being chased by hungry tigers in the form of your teenagers, job demands, older parents, financial worries, health problems, and issues with your assorted relationships. The resulting fatigue makes you too tired to think clearly, let alone crave a tumble between the sheets. Evidently, the occasional hour-long frantic flight from danger combined with a subsequent reprieve is better for your sex life than continuous, nail-biting anxiety.

Excerpt from Menopause Sucks. Autographed copies are available for $12 plus $5 shipping. For details, email Elaine@test.elaineambrose.com

Another provocative book, Daily Erotica – 366 Days of Passion, was written by four local, sassy authors. Autographed copies are available for $10 plus $5 shipping. Email Elaine@MillParkPublishing.com

Today’s blog was fueled by a 2009 Q Sonoma County Cabernet Sauvignon. This wine carries a flavor of oak and vanilla, and a bottle costs about $15 at Albersons.

Midlife Cabernet – Sucked into the Sewer of Political Pomposity

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One of the many advantages of living in the last third of life is that I don’t accept crap from anyone. I wasted valuable time during my thirties and forties posing as a pleaser, forever scampering around to ensure that everyone was happy while concurrently fighting manic hormones that were yelling at me to break something. Now, like a fine wine aged to perfection, I just don’t give a rip.

Facebook periodically presents a trap that I fall into if I’m not vigilant about keeping my comments sassy and humorous. Earlier this week, an associate who just happens to be a politician made a comment on Facebook. I added a factual statement that provided an alternative opinion. Holy Hot Flash! Suddenly, strangers wrote comments suggesting that I was stupid and wrong. One challenged me by name to check my facts. Another threw in an entire paragraph of questions and demanded that I answer them. These hostile comments received “like” comments from other strangers who don’t know me.

Of course, feeling threatened, defensive, and unjustly attacked, I wrote and posted an excellent rebuttal that factually substantiated my original post. Then I waited. No one “liked” my rebuttal. Obviously, nobody wanted an intelligent debate. Sigh. So, I decided, once again, that it is impossible for some groups to engage in civil discourse and show tolerance for diversity of opinion. I removed all my posts to this person, un-friended the one person I knew who “liked” the attacks on me, and placed a hammer on my desk. I taped a note on the hammer that reads: “Use this to hit head instead of making another political comment on Facebook.”

Now that I’m liberated from being sucked into the verbal sewage of political pomposity, I am free to open a bottle of 2008 Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon. This delightful wine combines a tasty blend of Cabernet, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Malbec, and Petit Verdot, and is available at Seasons Wine Bar in Eagle for around $40. It’s my fabulous, mature choice to sip good wine instead of argue with strangers.

Midlife Cabernet – Tossing Out the Guilt Garbage

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Humorist Erma Bombeck once wrote that guilt was the gift that keeps on giving. I no longer want this gift because it makes me crabby, unproductive, and resentful when I prefer to be sparkling, positive, and somewhat creative. So I intend to scamper to the top of this heavy pile of baggage, raise my liberated, wrinkled arms to the sky, and declare with gusto: Guilt be gone!

I started carrying bags of guilt when I returned to work full-time and my children, ages two and five, went to 10 hours of child care five days a week. Back in the pioneer days of Women in Management, businesses did not offer flex time, or time off for birthday parties at school, or tolerance for sick children. “Suck it up and get to work” was the prevailing philosophy.

I started to shed the guilt when my darling children went off to college, just about the same time my widowed mother’s health began to decline. She lived alone for twenty years before I moved her to an assisted living facility in Boise. After each visit, she would sit in her wheelchair in the doorway of her apartment and wave until I was out of sight. The baggage came back.

To preserve what remains of my eroding sanity, I refuse to pick up the bags again. I take comfort in knowing that my children are wonderful young adults who are making the world a better place. They are happily married, and their homes are full of love. We see my mother more than ever, and we include her in our family activities. So, get behind me Guilt because I’m not going to carry your bags anymore. Now my biggest garbage will consist of empty wine bottles.

To celebrate my enlightened decision, I opened a bottle of 2009 Charles Krug Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley. Its smooth taste includes black currants, raspberries, and a hint of cocoa. It sells for $25 at Alberstons, and now Preferred Customers receive a $3 discount. Better stock up…

Today’s wine was white! Have I gone mad?

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Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2006 Trinitas Sauvignon Blanc from Napa Valley. It’s true – I’m drinking white wine, but at least it’s not Chardonnay! I found this wine in a wonderful underground wine bar in Napa Valley at the sumptuous Vino Bello Resort. If you have to drink white wine, it might as well have a great story. Also, thanks Joanne for telling me to get off my pity party and revive the blog.

Midlife Cabernet – When Golf is a Communist Plot

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This week Studley and I played in the foursome that won first place in a golf scramble. We won even though I was the worst golfer on the team and I don’t practice or excel as much as the good players but through the handicap rules we redistributed the wealth of our collective talents to serve the greater good. Other teams with better players were prevented from winning because they didn’t have a bad player. Karl Marx, the socialist philosopher who advocated communism, would be proud. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so grouchy if he had played golf.

The fallacy with the redistribution philosophy is that the best golfers play in scrambles to practice and to have fun. They also compete as individuals in tournaments where they have the potential and opportunity to earn millions of dollars because of their skills. They pay government income taxes on these earnings which are then used to fund education, build roads, and pay into a Social Security program that gives money to those who don’t work or golf as well. They also donate to charity and sponsor community events, which Marx never did. The winning golfers get to keep about half of their earned money. And, they deserve it.

The best golfers, like other successful entrepreneurs, have unique tenacity, talent, intelligence, and risk-taking ability to create and sustain their enterprises. They play by the rules that reward achievement, and they don’t expect free mulligans or trophies for everyone. If the current trend toward political correctness changes the game and decrees that all golfers will play par for the course, most of us will stay in the club house and drink gin and tonic cocktails.

One last comment before I go back to the golf course: Karl Marx, the avowed socialist who wanted a classless society and condemned capitalism, received his income from Friedrich Engels, a rich industrialist who paid Marx from the profits of his capitalistic factories. Comrade Marx was a fraud.

Today’s blog was inspired by a 2008 Snake River Valley Cabernet Sauvignon grown, produced and bottled locally by a capitalist company, Fraser Vineyard. I eagerly exchanged $24 for the bottle, and both consumer and seller are happy.