My mother died yesterday. She was 87 and her health had been failing for several years, she was confined to a wheelchair and lost in dementia. Her passing brought a wide range of feelings, from relief to sorrow. As her designated power of attorney, I had the duty to make the final arrangements.
“What do you want her to wear?” the gentle woman from Hospice asked as she took notes.
“The nice robe,” I answered. “With the pearl necklace.”
The woman stopped writing and peered at me, unsure of what I had suggested.
“You want her buried in a robe?”
So I told her why. In 1969, my father traveled to Japan on a business trip and brought back an elegant silk robe as a gift for my mother. They had been high school sweethearts; he was the gregarious student body president and she was the timid valedictorian. He wasn’t one for giving gifts, and she wasn’t comfortable accepting them.
Over the past 45 years, I have asked her why she never wore the robe, and her answer always was the same: “It’s too nice.”
That’s how she lived, protecting special objects in her life that she never felt worthy enough to enjoy. She never burned the fancy candles so they melted in storage. The good china dishes and silverware only came out at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And, she saved and reread every birthday and holiday card she ever received. (I have inherited this trait, and it’s a tough one to break.)
To arrange for her service, my to-do list is filled with complicated assignments. How do I get the headstone engraved? It’s been waiting at my father’s grave since 1989. How do I condense her amazing life into a 300-word obituary? Should I request that in lieu of flowers, people can contribute to the scholarship she established at the University of Idaho? The donation would be nice, but she also would love the flowers. She’d say she didn’t deserve them and they were too nice, but she would love flowers. The only easy decision I had to make was what she would wear for her final outfit. Two weeks ago, I had the robe professionally cleaned and ready.
She’ll be wearing the nice robe for the first time at her funeral service next week. And she’ll have on pearls. She always wore pearls, even with her favorite cozy sweatshirts ordered from the Country Living catalog. She’ll be beautiful.
Elaine, that is a beautiful story. I feel privileged just reading it..
Beautifully written, brought tears. Thank you for sharing.
First, my blessings to you and your family on the departure of your mother to her next great adventure. I am glad she’s started out wearing the robe. In fact, my takeaway? It’s “wear the robe.”
Your love for your mom shines through.
This is beautiful, Elaine. And heartbreaking and inspirational and so very special. Your mother will be lovely in her robe and pearls. I’ll be thinking of her and you and your lovely words for a very long time. My condolences and hugs to you and yours.
It’s the first time you didn’t leave me laughing, Elaine. I can handle that, given the circumstances. But did you have to leave me weeping? This is a touching tribute to your mom’s gentle heart, and inadvertently, that of her daughter’s own. Be well.
So beautiful and captures your mother’s essence
A lovely tribute to your mom Elaine. Such a simple gesture says so much about her character, and yours. My condolences.
Elaine and Family
I love your writings and know how you feel about burying your mom in her nice silk robe. When my mom passed away on January 6, 2009 I was planning her funeral and I would always asked my two brothers if that was all right and the time came for me to tell them what I felt she would like to be buried in and one of my brothers wives said she would never want that so I lost out to a nice pants outfits from her Betty Boop lounging pajamas. Her name was Betty Phillips and she collected Betty Boop things and had a pair of those lounging pajamas and she wore those a lot in her final days they were comfortable and she really liked them and I knew she would love to be buried in them. So I admire you for doing what you are doing as I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to other people and I know that you have that trait that I don’t. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We loved that women very much. She always had a word and smile for everyone she ran into weather on the street or in the grocery store. God bless you all Lenny and Bev Meyers
Sobbing reading this….life is so short–always use the good China and wear the nice stuff
Nice tribute to your mother. So sorry for your loss and sending healing prayers.
Thank you for sharing this during your time of grief. It’s also a good lesson, one I learned after my 15 year marriage came to an end and I realized that I never used the “good” Irish linen tablecloth and napkins that we received at our wedding. They just stayed in the original box in the closet for 15 years. Since that time, though, they come out for almost any occasion that requires a tablecloth—-both indoor and outdoor.
A beautiful tribute to your mother, Elaine. I’m sorry for your loss. May a lifetime of memories comfort you and your family.
What a beautiful tribute to your beloved mother, Elaine. I am so sorry for your loss. This piece is extraordinary. My prayers are with you.
Beautiful and poignant writing about your Mother. As inevitable as their final days are, they still seem to “sneak up” on us. I lost my Mother one year ago at this time. My heart goes out to you, it is a difficult thing to go through. I am happy that you used the robe. No one else would ever be able to wear it with the same meaning. Keep writing, it is cathartic……and revel in her memory.
A lovely tribute to your mom.
my mother did the same….never used the good stuff. I am just the opposite I wear my grandmothers diamond earrings all the time. I use the China and the silver. A good lesson learned
My mom saved everything too and when she died (I was 12) I decided to enjoy everything. So I do and I wear, use, eat & enjoy. I wish my mom had .
Hugs to you.
I love you and I love your heart. She WILL be beautiful and she deserves lovely flowers.
That is beautiful!
She raised a sweet daughter who knows her mom so well.
Your dad will be so happy to greet her in the gift he gave her so long ago.
Actually she’s already there and he’s happy she’s naked!!! (That is just between us)
Xoxo
Thank you for peak into your mom’s heart and perspective…. So beautifully and respectfully told…. One of the gifts you are about to receive is the ability to remember you mom, unencumbered by the latest reality — remember her as the person you knew and shared your life with.
Needless to say I am sorry for your loss Elaine. Wow. This really touched me. I love your vision for your mother, the robe, the pearls, the flowers. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing, sending you warm thoughts for the days and months ahead.
What a great story and a powerful reminder to not save the “good” stuff. I’m so sorry for your loss, Elaine. Thanks for sharing this really beautiful tribute.
First of all, my condolences on the loss of your beautiful mother. She sounds like she was a class act. I can totally identify with the saving the nice things for a special occasion. I have unused candles, soaps,etc. for the same reason. I think it is wonderful that she will finally wear that special robe for all eternity, with her pearls which are such a classic. Sending you love and light at this difficult time. Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart.
What a beautiful tribute to your mom. I’m so sorry for your loss. And I agree with Lois wholeheartedly of what an important and wonderful reminder not to save the “good” stuff.
What a beautiful, loving gesture and post. The decisions within the process you are navigating are difficult ones, but you are obviously a loving and thoughtful daughter, and are doing just the right things. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Elaine,
What a wonderful woman your mother was. I’ll never forget when I was in high school and she called to congratulate me on going to Girl’s Nation. She was part of our small community of Wendell and celebrated all of our successes. For a young person, it was such an honor to have her think of me.
Beautifully written Elaine! Sincere condolences to you and your family-God bless
Yes, she will be. And without ever having met you, I can say she raised a beautiful daughter – inside and out.
A heart-rending tribute. Your love for your mother, your care for her, speaks for you in your words and between them. Both your mother and mine came from a time when many things were special treasures, to be put aside and not used up. I buried my mother in a pair of silk pajamas. They were also too good to use. And treasured.
Such a beautiful way to celebrate your Mom and Dad’s life and love. I am sorry for your loss, Elaine. It sounds like your Mom was a wonderful person.
So sorry for the loss of your wonderful mother Elaine. She was a true treasure to the people of Wendell. I remember when my son Dustin Whiteley was in high school he worked for the farm one summer. When he graduated a few years later your dear mother gave him a silver coin commemorating his big day. She delivered it herself with a big hug. Your tribute brought tears to my eyes as I remember my own mom saving treasures that were “too nice”. I know your mom and dad are smiling down on you with pride and love.
Beautiful tribute to your mom. Reminded me of my mother’s death when she passed away too soon in 1970. We opened her dresser drawers, and found about 7 very nice night gowns people had given to her over the years. She claimed she would wear them when she got sick and had to go to the hospital. When she did get ill, she still didn’t want to wear the nightgowns, because she didn’t want to mess them up. So in the end, she never wore them. I love your blog.