I’ve helped organize weddings, including a few of my own, but planning a funeral is a different type of hectic, emotional activity with a demanding timeline. The details could leave you breathless. Oops, wrong word.
In a wedding, you have months to prepare. With a funeral, you have days and you’ll need to interrupt your own grieving to organize the deadly details. A few generations ago, the family would clean and dress the body, prop it on the dining table next to the potato salad, throw a party, and then bury the dearly departed in the family plot on a nearby hill. Now, there is a complicated checklist that rivals the NASA instructions for a lunar landing to make sure your loved one has a proper burial.
Because everyone eventually dies, someday you may need to organize a funeral. Here are some helpful tips:
- Don’t lose the body. My sweet mother recently passed away. I had arranged for a local funeral home to pick up the body and transport it to another funeral home 100 miles away to her hometown. Two days later, she still hadn’t arrived. After frantically calling and trying to use my inside voice, I received an email saying that the driver was in route and my mother was near Bliss. I responded, “Of course, she is.” (Bliss is the name of a village near her intended destination.) I have no idea where she went for the weekend, but I assume she had a good time and that, somewhere, my parents were laughing.
- Don’t allow details to be the death of you. Notify key family members, but tell them you don’t need any help because planning through a committee could be fatal. Open a bottle of wine, sit down with a notebook or computer, and begin to make decisions: choose pall bearers, write the obituary, approve the death certificate, notarize details for the IRS, finalize the funeral place and program, chose the music and performer, arrange for food and flowers, contact the cemetery, make decisions about embalming and donations, and decide what clothes the person will wear and who should do the hair. Do you want rings removed? Do you want the casket with the pretty roses or the sunset? And, don’t forget the musical video. Do all this in a few days while keeping a stiff upper lip. Sorry, wrong word again.
- Don’t present a stupid program. If you think Aunt Bernice will go to the podium and wail for 20 minutes, discreetly suggest she save her remarks for the reception, preferably after the first two rounds of drinks. If you want to include some literary orations, avoid Robert Service’s famous poem, “The Cremation of Sam McGee.” And, finally, if all your music sounds like the “The Funeral March of the Marionette” followed by a requiem, a dirge, and a lone bagpiper, expect some of your guests to fall onto the ground and beg to be the next to die.
- Don’t overwhelm the undertaker. I’m thankful I chose a reputable Funeral Director instead of Billy Bob’s Burial and Tire Changing Service. After my mother died, I had numerous questions. The Funeral Director patiently listened when I called in alarm and asked who would dig the grave. “We’ll handle everything, Ma’am,” he said. I was so relieved that I wouldn’t need to ask my son to bring a shovel and a backhoe.
- Don’t turn the funeral into a bazaar. I once attended a wedding where one of the guests brought along Cutco knives to sell to the attendees. This is not appropriate for weddings or funerals. Even though I’ll have a captive, emotional audience, I don’t plan on arranging a book signing event after my mother’s service. She always bragged to her friends that I wrote books, even though she never read any of them. I told her I wrote under the pen name of JK Rowling.
- Don’t allow expenses to haunt you. You may need to dig deep to unearth some money because the base cost for a funeral can range from $5,000 to $10,000. The choices vary from a pine box tossed into a swamp to an elaborate $25,000 casket carried by a procession of white limousines into a private plot. If you’re hosting a boisterous reception after the funeral, save enough money to buy some quality liquor because you care enough to say goodbye with a fine Scotch instead of cheap moonshine.
- Don’t forget the living. After the funeral is over, use your energy and emotions to appreciate and connect with those around you. There are still a lot of people who aren’t dead yet, and some of them need a friend.
- Don’t stop celebrating life. If anyone cares to organize a funeral for me (after I’m dead, or course), I want a full marching band to play John Philip Sousa marches and an open bar with plenty of exquisite Cabernet. And, I’m requesting lots of pie with ice cream because finally gaining weight will no longer be an issue.
Oh, boy. A subject I try not to think about but it is an important one, Elaine. Glad you outlined it with a little humor.
Can I ever relate to your post, “Don’t Lose the Body.” I “lost” my dear mother a few months ago. Grieving is a full-time thing. So is planning a funeral. If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. At least, that’s what I’m told.
Great Job.
I helped with lots of funerals during a time in my life when I was serving the women in my church….I wish I could have read this to them. Especially the part about losing the body. I personally would like to be put in a hefty bag for Monday morning pick up.
Oh my, Elaine…I see we share similar approaches to the business of burying our dead. I’ve been through it a few times now, and my most vivid memories are of making completely inappropriate (yet hilarious) jokes with close family members. Because really, if you can’t nearly suffocate to death trying to stifle the giggles while your loved ones are waiting to be planted, what’s the point of living?
You’ve done it again, Elaine, entertained with humor about a very serious subject. Not sure why, but some of my most hilarious moments were at funerals or wakes, laughing so hysterically that I had to muzzle myself. When I can’t stop myself from laughing uncontrollably, I just lower my head while my shoulders heave, with a tissue to my nose, and those around me assume I am overcome with grief. I’ve even had people come over and pat me on the shoulder or give me a hug. And my inappropriate behavior was not because I am insensitive or was not grieving. It was because the correct response to some things in life (or death) is a good belly laugh. I’m pretty sure the deceased never held it against me, but the living just might. Now, thanks to you, I’ll remember this blog, and be even worse at the next funeral I attend.
Very sage advice starting from the very first tip! Laughed out loud my friend and thank so much!
My two favorites: Don’t forget the living and Don’t stop celebrating life.
Elaine, You are such a good writer to capture in words and humor dealing with your mom’s home going. I was so glad to get to see you today in Wendell. Take some time to rest and relish all the good memories of your mom.
Not certain why, yet some of my most funny minutes were at funeral services or wakes, chuckling so hysterically that I had to muzzle myself. When I cannot quit myself from giggling frantically, I simply decrease my head while my shoulders heave, with a cells to my nose, and also those around me presume I am gotten rid of with despair. It was since the right feedback to some points in life (or fatality) is a great stomach laugh.
That is an interesting first tip. I am really sorry it had happened to you, I can’t imagine how it would have felt like at the time. Also, I want to congratulate you on making this article about funerals entertaining and funny. Not many people do that because of the subject matter.
Planning a funeral can be difficult, because unlike a wedding, it isn’t a time for celebrating. Having to bear the weight of mourning and planning a funeral can be breaking, as I’m sure you’re well aware. That being said, the advice you shared about not forgetting the living and not forgetting to live is crucial. When it’s all said and done, your loved one is gone, but you’re still here. Dwelling in the past won’t help you heal or plan, so miss your loved one, but don’t let their passing overtake your life and the celebration of their life.
I really like the suggestion you give to not ask for help during the planning of the funeral. When you get too many people involved, this can create issues because people want things to be done their way. Thus, when you sit down, make the decisions quickly, and don’t dwell on the details of the funeral (as you suggest), you will be able to get through the technicalities quickly and be able to mourn and cope with the loss of your loved one more effectively. Thank you for sharing!
I like how you say not to let the details get to you. I’ve planned a couple of funerals for my family members, and they’re stressful. It should be a time of reflection, not a time of stress. So, let the details sort themselves out. They’re not worth worrying over.
Funerals seem so overwhelming. Undergoing the grieving process while trying to find a funeral home would be so hard. I would definitely try to save as much money as possible.
Planning a funeral can be pretty stressful. You have some great tips for planning though, these could definitely help the stress level go down. What would you suggestions be on funeral catering? Is it a good idea?
You have some great tips here for planning a funeral. I love your experience about “losing the body”, I am glad you could take that in good humor. However, it is important to pay close attention to details like that, but not let the details overwhelm you either. Thanks for sharing!
Elaine, thanks for mentioning how helpful it was that you hired a reputable funeral director. I would think that it is important to make sure you choose a funeral home that will help you through the funeral planning process so you don’t feel to overwhelmed. I would imagine that it could be a good idea to ask friends and family members for referrals to a reputable service.
Your distinctions between a wedding and a funeral are entirely valid. With a wedding you do have months to prepare and funerals are generally rushed, as you suggest.