For the past six weeks, I’ve followed a rigorous ritual every morning: I strap on a knee brace, grimace in pain, swear, and then hobble to the kitchen for coffee because it’s too early for booze.
I’m in pain because I have a torn meniscus over a cracked bone in my knee and open, festering burn wounds on both legs. The pathetic reality is that I did all this to myself, and the pain and indignity is souring my sweet disposition.
The injured knee was caused when I gallantly attempted a wicked exercise known as the Speed Skater in a high-impact circuit class with women half my age. I boldly leaped sideways into the air and for a brief moment in time resembled a graceful skater. Then gravity won as I fell to earth, twisted and sprained my knee, and was reduced to a bumbling blob of middle-aged misery. I thought that I could do the same intense workout as the youngsters. I was wrong. My defiant body said, “Not no, but hell no!”
Two weeks later, I stumbled on the weakened knee and tore the meniscus and somehow cracked the bone. More x-rays, more drugs, more visions of chattering white rabbits running through the house. I swore that all the characters from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland were cavorting around my bedroom. At least it wasn’t the cast from Silence of the Lambs.
But wait. It gets better. While resting my leg on ice to reduce the swelling, I froze the back of both legs. The skin turn black and peeled off, leaving gaping open wounds behind my knees. The frozen burns were so bad the orthopedic surgeon postponed the scheduled knee surgery until the wounds healed. So I returned to my recliner to nurse the torn meniscus, broken bone, and serious burns. My butt is now the same shape as the chair.
Note to self: Obey the instructions that say to place a towel over the ice and remove the ice every twenty minutes.
Second note to self: Blaming the burns on hallucinations caused by the delightful painkiller drugs does not excuse ignorance of basic first aid techniques.
I tried to explain my predicament to my sweet granddaughter, but all she heard was the word “frozen.” She immediately burst into songs from the animated movie until I threatened to club Olaf the Snowman with my crutch. No, I don’t want to build a snowman. Just let it go. And take your silly reindeer and singing sisters with you.
I couldn’t see behind my knee so I asked Studley to apply ointment to the burns. I yelped in pain as he smeared me with salve and bandaged the wounds. All the while he was muttering about always wanting to rub lotion on my body and tie me to the bed. I think he was joking.
The surgeon finally cleared me for surgery so next week I’ll have the arthroscopic procedure. I’m anticipating more happy pills and sedation that will help me forget that holes are being drilled into my knee and a tiny knife is scraping around inside among the nerves, bones, tissues, and debris.
As long as the surgeon is in there, I wonder if he could do a little internal sculpting on my thigh. It’s close to my knee and needs a little pruning. These legs will never again attempt to master the Deadly Speed Skater of Doom, and my dreams of competing as an Olympic skater have been smashed by the reality that I never could skate, I’m too old, and I look absolutely dreadful in a Spandex body suit. Also, now I have a profound aversion to ice…unless it’s in a smooth Scotch.
Ow, ow, ow. And I know all too well the feeling of “you did this to yourself, genius.” In my case: bare feet, unlit stairs, shattered ankle, surgery, and 9 weeks in bed. Good times.
Oh, dear God. That sucks, but if you can get a little free pruning on the side, that might make it a little less crappy.
Heal quickly!
Good God. I’m trying to think of something more intelligent to say, but really, this post has only one response and that is Good God.
“Sweet disposition”, huh? Hmmmmm…. This blog had me laughing so hard I almost put my knee out again. It’s a winner, Elaine!
Holy Cow! If trouble comes in 3s then you’re all done. You really did a job with the ice. I’ve never seen that before. Ouch!
Oh my goodness! That is HORRIBLE. I’m so sorry. I must admit, though, I couldn’t help but chuckle at your granddaughter blasting Frozen tunes. Too funny.
Best wishes in healing.
Ouch and holy hell! I tore a tendon and my meniscus a lot of years ago and what I can tell you is weeks after the surgery and a bit of PT you will be pain free. Ouch!
I don’t understand…didn’t the ice hurt before the burn? And how are you still laughing? I would be in a month long pity party. Healing wishes to you. And have the scotch.
Well, you’ve certainly had more than your share! I wish you a very speedy and pain free recovery. Maybe it’s a good time to catch up on some old movies…books…magazines. The best to you!
Wait a minute… I thought that pleasant hallucinations that result from pain killers were excuses for everything…aren’t they? Sending you good healing thoughts!
My knees could use a little pruning too! Hope you have an easy surgery and quick recovery!
OMG! That is crazy sauce. Hopefully the rest of this ordeal will go much more smoothly.
So wish I could switch around this title for you : “laid down and knocked up” Well, perhaps just the laid down part. This post provides just the motivation I needed to give up that crazy work out class.
Oh, I am laughing at Kimba’s response above! Thinking of you and hope you get to catch up with lots of TV binge-watching!
OK, so I just met you today. Terry, remember me? maybe not . And now I can’t stop reading your book. Such a generous gift. Your sense of humor is inspiring. I am sitting in my living room with my awesome husband and keep giggling during the world series game. Ok the game isn’t that funny, but your book is!!! Thank you for the uplifting laugh. Agree, a sense of humor trumps all.
Hi Terry, of course I remember you! I hope we meet again – but not before surgery! I’m happy you enjoyed the book.
That is probably the most improbable change of events from a twist knee that I have ever heard. Bless your heart. I did the torn meniscus thing a few years back. I never thought I’d be able to run again. I know how bad that is. And then to get burns from icing — doing exactly what you were supposed to do, well maybe not exactly how you were supposed to do it. Hang in there. Mine healed up somewhat. And I still slog through races — slowly — but I never thought I’d be able to. My two cents of advice. When you are ready, try strength training with professional help. I never had a trainer but started using one after my knee injury. Building up the musles in my legs around my knee have made all the difference. I know that’s why I can even get out there again. That and I’ve learn to love cycling.
Good luck dearie.
how are u doing ELAINE? I’m sure u have had ur surgery by now. I hope all is getting better and pain is going away and life is getting some what back to normal!
Keep ur chin up-lots of friends rooting for you! Love ya
oh wow, I had a minor version of the same injury… from zumba. That side to side bunny hopping thingy that they do is hella hard on my old knees. I probably should have gone to the DR but I had Oxy left over from a previous surgery so I was good 😀 I went to the chiro and got treatment … and stayed off it for a month until it healed… then stayed off it another month because I’m lazy. Back to exercise now but no more zumba for me, I’ll leave that to the skinny 20 year olds
Owwww! As someone who has injured herself exercising – though not to the degree you have – I feel your pain and wish you a speedy recovery! Exercise is supposed to be good for you, right?!?
A new plan is hatching in my head….Extreme sports for the “little bit older”. We will make it very daring, very cool….but more age directed. We will still be way ahead of the couch potatoes, but not with the scary cross training group. We will still have some control over the “newbies” that come to class, maybe even make them fill out a disclaimer…we can call it the “disclaimer for danger.” We wont feel like we are doing Yoga in chairs or something creepy old like that…..you are in a chair all day, so put a packet together and we will sell franchises. Get better soon!