Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Midlife Cabernet: Avoid Death by Hyperbole

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Middle-aged women are entitled to an occasional Snark Attack so they can stomp on civility and ridicule annoying behavior. This happened recently as I was reading messages on Facebook and then indignantly scoffed at some of the dramatic and ridiculous hyperbole. Because I live to serve, here is some wise advice for dealing with the top ten examples of egregious exaggerations.

  1. To die for! Someone wrote that she saw some shoes to die for. Even a minimal amount of astute observation would conclude that if the person really died, then she couldn’t wear the shoes. Plus, the sentence ended in a preposition which is the absolute worst grammatical error in the entire world! Don’t have friends who offer to die for shoes or dessert.
  2. I’m starving! This comment usually comes from someone who doesn’t know or care that one third of the world’s population really is starving. He or she should visit our abundant grocery stores and then take a few bags to the homeless shelter because some local people are hungry.
  3. Share this message or burn in hell! Never send or forward these threats. When it’s time for my Final Judgment Day, there is an enormous list of transgressions and trespasses for which I need atonement. Those times I didn’t share a Facebook message won’t even make the top 100.
  4. She lost a ton of weight! No she didn’t, unless she weighed over 2,000 pounds. If she really did, then by all means celebrate with her.
  5. This is the worst day ever! Au contraire, Sweet Cheeks. There will be days that are horrific in comparison to today just as there will be glorious days in the future. That’s life.
  6. Men suck! Well, sometimes they do. And, sometimes women do, too.
  7. Mondays suck! Hey, you’re employed and there are many people who would take your job in a heartbeat. Stop whining and get to work.
  8. If this won’t make you cry, you don’t have a heart. Wrong. I have a heart because I’m alive to read this and it didn’t make me cry. I don’t want to feel heartless so I won’t read such items anymore.
  9. OMG! This abbreviation for “Oh, my God!” only should be used for events of Biblical magnitude. Watching a vampire movie doesn’t qualify.
  10. Cutest Puppy (Kitten, Grandchild, Prom Dress, Gall Bladder) Ever! No, not really. But, I’ll smile at all your family photos and then post some of my own just to prove how cute some grandkids can be.

After pontificating about exaggerated expressions, my Snark Attack disappeared for a week or so. I returned to reading the many messages and posts from friends and associates, secure in the knowledge that we would never criticize or mock each other’s messages. Except for the note from a dieting friend who said she was hungry enough to eat a horse. I almost died laughing over that one.

Today’s blog was fueled by a bottle of 2010 Ferrari-Carano Merlot. You’ll love the velvety, smooth texture of this wine, the complex nose of blackberries and cedar, and the full-bodied flavor with hints of bittersweet cinnamon and mocha. It’s available at Crush Wine Bar in Eagle for $35 a bottle. Join the wine club and get it for $29. It’s to die for!
– See more at: http://www.test.elaineambrose.com/blog/midlife-cabernet-avoid-death-hyperbole#sthash.oRnn017y.dpuf

Midlife Cabernet: Granny’s Guidelines for Graduates

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I’m the commencement speaker next week at the College of Southern Idaho. I’ll tell the graduates that they are doomed, there aren’t any jobs, the country is teetering on the brink of destruction, they’ll never get out of debt, and they should move into a tent in the forest and make macramé hangers to sell at craft fairs. Too harsh?

I grew up in a small town during an easier time. My mother would send me alone to the grocery store, and I would return with fresh bread, local eggs, a roast, and a pie or two. You can’t do that anymore because there are too many security cameras.

Thousands of graduates and their families will sit through commencement ceremonies this spring, and I hope they glean a few tidbits of wisdom from the speakers who desperately will be searching for eye contact. It’s difficult for motivational speakers to keep going when they know the audience already has checked out. So, while you’re all still awake, here are my ten simple suggestions for a good life:

  1. Accept the fact that life isn’t fair. You could work hard, excel at your job, and miss your kid’s school programs only to see some pretty woman have an affair with the senior vice president and be given your job. (I write from personal experience.) Or you could get hit by a beer truck or your spouse could run away with a carnival worker or your hillbilly neighbor could get a lucrative reality show on television. Just change your profession and write country/western songs.
  2. No one owes you a living. Chances are, you’re not going to win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes or the million-dollar lottery. And you can’t live with your parents anymore because they want to buy a recreational vehicle and travel around to casinos. Go into the world and make your own way.
  3. Take risks without a helmet. Kids need to be free to stomp in puddles, fall out of trees, catch frogs in a ditch, and ride their bikes without a helmet (just not around traffic.) Let them experience true freedom before life gives them a mortgage, kids, in-laws, fifty extra pounds, buffoon bosses, and irritable bowel syndrome.
  4. Mansions, fast cars, and luxury vacations don’t guarantee happiness. Many good people are honestly delighted to have a small house with indoor plumbing, a pickup truck that runs, and a favorite camping place. Be like that.
  5. Get out of debt. Why work your entire life just to pay interest to a bank? In most cases, that $100 debt on your credit card for that sassy pair of boots will remain long after they have worn out. Pay cash or go bootless.
  6. Enjoy relationships. The happiest people are surrounded by family members and friends who accept their faults, celebrate their achievements, and invite them over for barbecues and wine.
  7. Avoid crabby people. They will suck out every last ounce of your energy and leave you a withered, bitter shell of wretched humanity. Purge your contact list now before it’s too late.
  8. Don’t fight. No explanation needed.
  9. Love more. Ditto.
  10. Laugh, dance, and sing. Triple ditto. Oh, and read more books.

I purposely avoided any mention of politics or religion because I’d rather smack my head with a hammer than tiptoe through the mine field of political correctness. One last bit of advice: On Mother’s Day, call your mom and thank her for putting up with you. If she is no longer living, call another mother and wish her a happy day. You’ll both feel good.

Today’s blog is fueled by a bottle of 2010 Ferrari-Carano Siena red wine from Sonoma County. I’ve loved this rich Sangiovese blend for several years, and it’s available from Crush Wine Bar in Eagle for $34…and six dollars less if you’re a member of the wine club. I’m trying to accept the screw cap, but I do love the sound and experience of popping a cork.

Midlife Cabernet: How to Survive a Grandchild Sleepover without a Manual or Medication

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When my charming granddaughter Sweetie Pie is finished with her meal, she throws the dishes and leftover food from her highchair tray onto the floor, crosses her arms, and smiles at me. I tried this once in a restaurant and was asked to leave.

At least I don’t need to guess what Sweetie Pie wants. Milk? Yes! Book? Yes! Nap? No! Adult life should be so simple. Can you imagine pointing to a bottle of wine, pounding your hand on the table, and expecting someone to jump up and bring a full glass along with a plate of imported cheese, Italian olives, and crusty bread? No, me neither.

I recently experienced a four-night sleepover with three-year-old Sweetie Pie. She loves cheese, strawberries, books, and being rocked while I sing to her. The only thing she doesn’t like is when I try to fix her hair. We’ve settled on three misaligned pigtails.

It’s a mixture of fun and exhaustion when a grandchild stays overnight, so here are my suggestions for surviving the slumber party:

Smile politely when your grown child hands you a baby with a two-page list of instructions because somehow they forgot that you raised them without a manual or explanatory DVD.
Note how your hearing improves significantly during the night because any cough or whimper shocks you wide awake to scurry to their room to make sure they are still breathing.
Remember that crayons will stain the grout in your expensive travertine floor but you don’t want to stifle a budding artist.
Child-proof the kitchen: use bungee cords to secure the cabinet drawers, and lock up the booze or you’ll be guzzling gin by noon. Stock at least one shelf with plastic bowls for them to pull out and throw around. You’ll get plenty of exercise picking up everything.
Know that your spouse will magically disappear when it’s time to change diapers but instantly return when you and your precious little chef are making chocolate chip cookies.
Never tell the parents that you and their organic child stayed up late to share ice cream and cookies while watching the classic movie Blazing Saddles.
Relish the moment when your grandchildren want to give you one more hug when it’s time to go home. Assure them they can return as soon as your eye stops twitching.
Momentarily appreciate how quiet the house is after they leave. Then plan for the next visit. This is your legacy we’re talking about.
One of the many interesting facts about Sweetie Pie is that she has Down syndrome. She is a reminder that blessings can come in small, unpredictable packages that may not look like or learn as quickly as others. But, she is a radiant example of abundant and unconditional love in a world too focused on perfect images and shallow affection. I’ve learned a lot from Sweetie Pie, and I look forward to her next visit.

Today’s blog was fueled by a 2010 Dunham Trutina from Dunham Cellars. This delightful wine is a blend of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Malbec, Cabernet Franc, and Syrah. It’s available at Crush Wine Bar in Eagle, A New Vintage Wine Shop on Eagle Road and Fairview, and at Berryhill Restaurant in Boise. The cost ranges from $38 to $50 a bottle, so save it for a special time…such as after the kids are asleep.

Marvelous at Midlife

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“All of a sudden I’m on the other side of fifty, mygrown children are telling me how to drive, acute little squirt is calling me grandma, and theskin on my neck resembles a dryer hose. Howdid this happen? What should I do about it? Ineed some chocolate.”That’s the introduction to my article in the current issue of Idaho Woman’s Journal. Copy and paste this link to the article on page 7 of the publication: http://www.idahowomensjournal.com/Monthly%20Full%20Issues-PDFs/August%20…