Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Call for Submissions: Midlife Anthology

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elaine 2013 (57)MPP logo

Mill Park Publishing is announcing a “Call for Submissions” for a new anthology to be published in paperback and e-book format in early 2016.

 

The working title is Feisty after 45 – The Best Blogs from Midlife Women
Women bloggers over the age of 44 are encouraged to enter a favorite blog to be considered for the anthology.
•Paperback and e-book due in early 2016
•1200 words maximum
•Deadline June 1, 2015
•Selected entries receive $25 and one book
•Entry form on www.millparkpublishing.com or www.elaineambrose.com
Books published by Mill Park Publishing of Eagle, Idaho have won 14 awards in the past three years. A portion of the sales proceeds goes to charity. Mill Park Publishing also organizes and offers writing retreats for women. The company is owned by author Elaine Ambrose.  www.elaineambrose.com
ENTRY FORM:
Mill Park Publishing features award-wining books written by women. The anthology Little White Dress featured 26 women writers and won the Bronze Medal for Womens Issues from the Independent Publisher Book Awards Program in 2012. This new anthology Feisty after 45will include blogs written by women over the age of 44. Categories will be humor, inspiration, grandchildren, eldercare, travel, and personal growth.
We’re seeking positive stories that will appeal to middle-aged women. Please don’t send any articles about specific religions, politics, home-based businesses, or rants. Recipes are accepted, but should be correct. Poems also are accepted.
Mill Park Publishing follows the First North American Publication Rights (FNAPR). By submitting your piece to Mill Park Publishing, you are verifying that Mill Park Publishing has the right to be the first in North America to publish the material once. Then, unless you’ve granted other rights or licenses as well, all copyright to that material reverts back to you. If your submission is not accepted, all copyright to that material remains with the author. By submitting you piece, you are verifying that Mill Park Publishing has the right to publish this submission in media platforms known and yet to be discovered. Selected entries will receive $25 and one book after publication. Additional books and e-books will be available for purchase.
Complete and paste this form into an email. Attach proposed entry in a word document. Email to: [email protected]
Name (first and last as it will appear in print): _______________________________________________________________________
Address (street, city, town, zip): _______________________________________________________________________
Email: _______________________________________________________________________
Name of Blog or website: _______________________________________________________________________
Circle appropriate category: humor – inspiration – grandchildren – eldercare – travel – personal growth
(One submission per person, please.)
100-word Biography:
Complete entry form and email with attached word document to [email protected] by June 1, 2015.

 

 

 

10 Ways to Add Humor to a Serious Workplace

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(This post was featured on the Huffington Post Comedy Page, March 2, 2015)

happy woman worker

 

Jennifer was a customer service representative for a large technology firm. Though her dreams and aspirations never included sitting in a padded cubicle listening to rude customers, that’s what she did for eight hours a day. Usually, the problems were related to consumer ignorance, and she would patiently instruct them to put in a battery or plug the device into an electrical outlet. To keep her sanity, she used a collection of finger puppets on her desk and pretended the callers were puppets. Then she could see and talk to the clown or the pig or the snooty lady bouncing on her finger. She used humor to survive.

From Shakespeare to the comic strip character Dilbert, ordinary characters rely on comedy to endure the struggles of life and death. As Mercutio lies dying in the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet his last words are, “A plague on both your houses! They have made worm’s meat of me!” Then he laughs and dies. That’s a morbidly funny line. Worm’s meat? Would that really be a man’s last thought? Shakespeare is playing with the audience so the tragedy won’t be too horrific.

In the passionate and wildly popular Broadway musical Les Miserables, we’re exhausted as we witness the endless pain and terrible turmoil of characters who just want to live one more day to fulfill their destiny. Then just before we sink into a deep depression, the drunken innkeeper and his wife burst onto the stage with a hilarious rendition of “Master of the House.” The audience cheers with gratitude for the temporary emotional reprieve.

In a favorite Dilbert cartoon, the intern Asok is killed and reincarnated as a candy bar. Office workers can relate to Asok, but the episode made us laugh anyway. Why? We’re amused because nothing diffuses daily drama like a boisterous belly laugh. Studies prove laughter can reduce stress, increase creativity and lessen tensions. Happy people are healthier than crabby people, and they’re a lot more fun to be around. Jovial people can tackle problems with a positive attitude while pessimistic whiners only take up space while wasting time and life by drafting hate mail and threatening law suits.

Just in case you meet or work with nasty people who only exist to bring pain and suffering to the world, here are some suggestions for using humor to diffuse stressful situations.

1. Before going to a serious meeting, walk by an outside playground and listen to the laughter of the children. Try to recapture that exuberant feeling of having fun. You don’t have to install a swing set in your office to remember how it feels to swing high and almost touch the clouds.

2. Cheerfully empathize with people who drive you crazy. Maybe the coworker who criticizes your work has an intolerable life at home or is caring for a sick child. That would explain his or her irritating behavior. Or, the coworker could just be truly obnoxious and you should stay away from them as much as possible.

3. If you’re in a tense meeting and tempers are flaring, stand up and wave a white flag. Threaten to send everyone to “time out” if they can’t get along. Your boss may not approve of your actions, but it could lighten the mood.

4. If you’re unfortunate enough to be placed on a rigid committee that can’t find consensus on anything, carry a jester’s hat in your briefcase. As emotions escalate and you’d rather break for lunch, just don the hat and announce that you are Feste the Fool of Shakepeare’s Twelfth Night. Dramatically sing his immortal line: “Come away, come away death!” You’ll all be laughing your way through the lunch line.

5. If you’re cursed enough to be deemed in charge of the office holiday party, know in advance that you cannot please everyone and that you are doomed to failure. Just emulate the television show Seinfeld. During one politically correct episode, they organized a “Festivus for the Rest of Us” party where they celebrated nothing. It worked.

6. Share the joy by driving to work wearing a clown nose. At the stoplight, look over and smile at the people in the next car. You’ll brighten their day because they’ll laugh on their way to work, or else they’ll report you to the police. That’s OK because the noses come off quickly.

7. Employ popular tricks and tactics that you use with your family to improve negative situations at work. If your assistant gets an important report done on time, give him an extra-long lunch hour. Legal bribery works wonders, and you’re both happier.

8. Never forget that there are people who want you to be miserable. They may want your job or your car or your spouse. They will publicly criticize you and make your life miserable. Just laugh at the situation and be thankful the person isn’t your parent. However, if it is your parent, get some professional therapy.

9. Never forget that there are people who want you to be happy. You should belong to some social, professional or civic organizations where you can mingle with supportive people who share your values, skills and aspirations. Just ignore Groucho Marx’s famous comment that he would never belong to a club that would have him as a member.

10. Silence is goal-oriented. While it can be fun to slay the competition with a well-placed witticism, sometimes it’s best to pick your battles, remain silent and allow the adversary to publicly prove that she’s a fool. If she goes into a tirade, concentrate on her left ear and imagine it’s a donkey’s ear. You will look cool, calm and collected while she self-destructs faster than the Wicked Witch of the West. You can make your sly comments after you’re promoted.

The best advice is to know that if you’re wallowing with the pigs, get out of the sty. You don’t have to tolerate uncomfortable, hostile or abusive treatment, and if you’re not occasionally laughing at work, you can’t work. Consider a department change or pursue educational opportunities for advancement. If you’re going to live to be 100, you might as well enjoy the journey. And don’t forget to pack your sense of humor.

Make Your Own Music

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musical notes

I grew up listening to The Captain and Tennille singing about “Muskrat Love” and The Carpenters warbling “Sing of good things, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad.”

I believe those two songs were solely responsible for the rise of heavy metal bands and for Black Sabbath’s song “Electric Funeral” about nuclear annihilation. It’s all about balance.

Music should be an important part of your life, and never be ashamed of grabbing the karaoke microphone and warbling a festive tune from 1980. Add the eager passion of a professional soloist despite knowing that when the sun rises you won’t be able to carry a tune in a punch bowl. But for a brief moment, when the evening is full of untainted potential, you’ll become a soulful crooner for all the ages, sharing your song with the universe.

Your challenge is to keep the music playing.

Keep the music playing long after the party is over, the bills are past-due, and a recording contract is still elusive. The late comedian George Carlin said, “It’s called The American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” His acerbic humor nailed it. How can you sing a joyful song when life keeps dumping junk on your head? Maybe you’re unemployed or in a lousy job, or you haven’t had any loving since 2008, or your dog ran away. Look on the bright side – you could write Country Western songs!

Music and mood are closely interrelated — listening to a sad or happy song alters your moods and has the ability to change your perception of the world around you. For example, gothic metal music makes me want to damage something with a chain saw, while a classical aria causes me to (almost) levitate with elation. In a stressful situation, a little dose of “Walking on Sunshine” could be all it takes to relieve the tension.

Here are some exercises to prove that music alters your mood.

Imagine seeing and hearing the following scenarios:

You’re struggling in the steaming jungles of Vietnam as you hear the foreboding song “The End” by The Doors as played in the movie Apocalypse Now. Then you’re drinking alone in a dark bar as a Billie Holiday impersonator croons “Gloomy Sunday.” You claw out of a deep depression only to hear Kansas singing “Dust in the Wind.” By now you should be wallowing on the floor, sobbing in anguish about the wretched world.

Now, pretend you’re twirling on a panoramic Austrian mountain meadow singing “The Sound of Music” with Julie Andrews. You’re even wearing a summer dress with a festive apron. Then transport yourself to a sunny beach listening to the jaunty tune of Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Finally, turn up the volume on “Chariots of Fire” or “Rocky.” Yo, Adrian! Are you smiling yet?

No matter what festivity or calamity is in your future, you should have a song or two ready to suit the occasion.

If you can’t find the perfect tune, create your own. Add it to your bucket list to make your own music by the end of the year.  Don’t worry if you’re unsure about writing a song. Remember the immortal lyrics of that famous song that rose to #4 on the Billboard Charts – “Now he’s tickling her fancy, rubbing her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now, anything goes as they wriggle, Sue starts to giggle.” That song includes synthesized sound effects simulating muskrat copulation. Yes, you can do better!

Matriarch in the Making

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Not Gonna Dig Itself xx (1)

 

(My guest blog is from funny lady and sassy cartoonist Amy Sherman, creator of Kranky Kitty (www.krankykitty.biz). We met last year at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and performed for the stand-up comedy night program. She makes me laugh.)

Sometimes a promotion is well-l­earned and welcomed. But sometimes the promotion comes without perks, only pity. Some promotions are best avoided as long as physically possible.

When a parent crosses the bridge to whatever-­the-­hell is over there, the natural conclusion is the offspring are next in line. Makes total sense. But when my number is the “next up” by this natural order of things, it is a tad unsettling. Disturbing, even. I’m not into natural. I dye my hair. I bleach my teeth. I Photoshop every picture I take before posting to any public venue. So the “natural” order of things can stuff it!

I feel lucky enough to have made it past age fifty, closing in on sixty. I don’t feel my age. Nobody does, with any luck. My mental age is about 35-­40 years younger. And I like it that way. Maturity can mean many things. I choose to remain immature as long as society will allow, before having me certified and caged.

So when the previous generation related by blood, or marriage, moves on to the next plane, I don’t need anyone reminding me of my place in line. Feel free to cut in front. Anytime. Reminders can be very subtle, or hit you over the head like a death scythe. When your kids stop giving you shit and start treating you with a tender respect, I say “No!” Stop being nice. You’re scaring me. And I don’t scare easily. Until now.

When I forget something inane, I don’t need to see the secretive glances and eye connections implying, “It’s starting….” or “She’s slipping.” Sometimes, people simply forget shit. It isn’t a call to arms for an Alzheimer’s intervention. I haven’t had a good brain for recollecting facts or movie plots since high school. Unless it was a personal attack or affront. I remember almost every mean thing that was ever said or done to me. So I WILL remember these “concerned” looks and nods as my loved ones over­analyze every trip I make.

Just because my bowel movements are front and center in the planning, or execution of my daily routine, doesn’t mean I am sliding towards home, people. And when I say things like, “this world is going to hell in a hand basket,” don’t assume I’m a FOX News fan. Age does offer some perspective. Some things were better in the past, but I never want to live in it.

I am well aware of my place in line and I don’t need any of you young whippersnappers eyeballing me like you know it. You’d best hope I hang in there as long as possible, because if there is one thing I am sure of, you will be next. So show a little respect and don’t add to the notion that each generation must pass on in due order. The only thing I plan to pass on is another colonoscopy. What’s the point? I’m almost dead anyway.

amy shurman

Friend Amy on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/KrankyKitty

Why You Should be a Swinger

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mirabel swing

Do you want to do something easy and fun that will make you weightless? Do you want to feel the breeze in your hair as you float through the air while laughing out loud? Go swing. You can do it alone or with a group of people of all ages. And, it’s legal!

The feeling of being weightless for even a second ranks right up there with the euphoric sensation of speeding down an open coastal highway in a convertible with Tina Turner singing in the passenger seat. Most of us don’t have the road, the car, or a connection with Turner, but we can scamper over to the city park and grab a swing. Now it’s cool to be a swinger, and you don’t need instructions, batteries, or a note from your doctor. If you’re still unsure, it’s handy to have a child along for encouragement.

Many health clubs advocate the many advantages of swinging. Not wanting to be left alone in the sandbox, scientific researchers are pumping out studies that extol the mental health benefits of getting a natural high. Here are some of the sophisticated findings from professionals and preschoolers.

1. Swinging combines the exciting combination of freedom while you retain control of how fast or high you want to go on a suspended pendulum.

2. For every hour you swing, you can burn 200 calories. Go play and then you can justify having a glass of wine!

3. Swinging is good for your physical health. It can condition joints, muscles, tendons, and ligaments. The activity is good for pelvic muscles and helps with balance.

4. Swinging is good for your mental health. You rarely see grumpy people on a swing set. Usually swingers of all ages are laughing out loud as they swing through the fresh outside air.

5. Swinging is used in Sensory Integration Therapy for people with special needs. A leading study on child development, logically titled “The Developmental Benefits of Playgrounds,” concluded that the rhythm of swinging can soothe and relax a child with developmental issues such as Autism. The simple swaying motions can provide a crucial foundation for later, more complex learning and behavior. Swinging also safely integrates a special needs child into a group of children without disabilities because they can all swing without competition or fear of failure. And, they all laugh with the same gusto.

6. Finally, swinging is a great activity for grandparents and their grandchildren. According to a certain 5-year-old expert in swinging, I am eligible and invited to swing and laugh with her on a regular basis. Another advantage is that the activity is user-friendly because there are no scattered toys to pick up and put away.

The next time you’re having a stressful day, go to a nearby park, find a swing set, and turn your iPod and headphones to Tina Turner singing “Proud Mary.” You don’t need any customized athletic wear or a personal trainer. Just sit, pump, and soar. The feeling is better and cheaper than therapy. Admit it. You’ve always wanted to be a swinger.

Compassion for the Old Souls

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1000 voices compassion

More than 1,000 bloggers from across the world are writing today with the intended goal to share and encourage compassion. The world is hungry, almost desperate, for this united effort. My contribution is to promote compassion for the old souls among us.

Compassion for the Old Souls

leona wheelchair

My mother was dying. Her breathing had changed over the past few days; irregular, pausing only to alarm us, then continued with a raspy rattle. My daughter and I sat beside her bed and held her hand, limp and translucent, as Tennessee Ernie Ford sang about peace in the valley. Gentle Hospice workers came silently during her last week to shift her body and dab a damp sponge on her lips. Though they didn’t know her, they treated her with the dignity and grace she deserved.

Outside her room at the assisted living facility, other residents shuffled by, some with walkers, as silent sentinels in the last act of the drama of life. After 87 years, my mother’s body and mind were gone, except for her strong heart. We could do nothing but wait.

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According to the National Center for Assisted Living, more than one million senior citizens live in assisted living facilities in the United States. There are horrible reports of abuse and mismanagement, but most of the staff members are loving and responsible caregivers. I met many wonderful people who worked at Mom’s various homes and rehabilitation centers. They did the jobs others don’t want to do: showered old people, changed adult diapers, fed the feeble ones. They became the family when the real family stopped visiting. Most of the facilities had regular activities and the residents enjoyed group outings, visits from entertainers, and craft projects. But many of them live their last years in quiet and lonely resignation.

“Our society must make it right and possible for old people not to fear the young or be deserted by them, for the test of a civilization is the way that it cares for its helpless members.”
— Pearl S. Buck

It’s often easier to show compassion and charity to worthy causes that include children, pets, and natural disasters. It’s not as appealing to help the elderly people, but they are the old souls, the ones who worked to build our country, fought in World War II, and faced a steep learning curve as technology during their lifetimes introduced airplane flight, Interstate highways, television, computers, and cell phones. In simpler times, they danced to jazz, Sinatra, and Glenn Miller. Now they leave the light on in hopes their adult children will visit.

mom hands

“If you associate enough with older people who do enjoy their lives, who are not stored away in any golden ghettos, you will gain a sense of continuity and of the possibility for a full life.”
— Margaret Mead

During my mother’s last years, before she slipped into Dementia, her once-busy calendar was reduced to simple entries: shower on Tuesday and Friday, hair appointment on Thursday, and church on Sunday. I watched the spark grow dim in her eyes, and I wept for the proud woman who once worked in the fields, held several jobs as she raised her children, and dutifully supported my father’s ambitious businesses. When she no longer remembered my name, I pasted name tags on the family pictures that lined her tiny room. “Don’t forget us,” I whispered. But, it was too late.

Society needs to honor our elderly citizens. There are several ways to show genuine compassion to them:

  1. Visit area assisted living facilities and spend time with the residents. Most of them have fascinating stories they are never heard. It’s okay if they repeat the same story several times.
  2. Informally adopt a grandparent for your family, and include him or her in your activities. Include older neighbors who need help mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, or fixing minor repairs.
  3. Volunteer to take them to doctor’s appointments, church, parades, lunch, and shopping. Many of them spend months inside without ever going beyond the facility.
  4. Offer to write letters for them or assist them call a friend or relative. My mother stopped answering her telephone when she couldn’t push the correct buttons. A month before she died, I held the phone so she could talk with her sister who lived across the country.
  5. Offer to teach a class at an assisted living facility, play the piano, record oral histories, sit with them, and go through their scrapbooks.
  6. In public, help the elderly by opening doors, giving your seat or place in line, paying for their lunch. Make eye contact and smile.
  7. Donate to worthy charities that support the aging. Become involved in groups that include work with and for patients with Alzheimer’s and dementia.
  8. Encourage your family to participate in your work with older people. Children are often hesitant to reach out to older people, but the old souls crave a child’s touch.

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“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”
— Sophia Loren

My mother passed away on a cool but clear November morning. My children, her legacy, delivered her eulogy. I’m still going through all the articles she left behind, including several well-worn Bibles. Many passages were underlined in ink, and she had placed smiley-face stickers on her favorite verses. Even in death, she made me smile.

funeral singer

“As we grow old…the beauty steals inward.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson