Dear Bad Dad in the Bleachers,
You are a bully. You stand and yell at your daughter as she plays in a basketball game, your fists are clenched, your face is distorted in rage. She is only 12-years-old, and your cruel actions break my heart.
She’s doing her best to play for her team, and when she catches the ball she eagerly makes her way down the court. I watch as she looks over at you, hopeful for encouragement. Then an opposing team member snatches the ball. You stand again and yell at her, and I see the pained look in her eyes. Stop it.
She’s at a vulnerable age; not a little girl anymore and not a young woman. Her body is changing and she is unsure of her developing hips and breasts. She’s worried she might start her period during the game and blood will stain her white athletic shorts. She’s thinking about the older boy in the neighborhood who asked to give her a ride. She’s wondering about the party invitation she received for the weekend. She knows it will be a long night because her homework isn’t done yet. She’s embarrassed that you are yelling at her in public, and she cringes every time you scream at the referees and her coach.
You only have six more years to become a better parent for your daughter. Otherwise, when she’s 18 she’ll leave your home and try to make it on her own without the steady foundation of unconditional love from the first man in her life. The world will sense her insecurity and pounce like a wild beast.
I was that girl. I craved but never received my father’s affection or approval, and it took decades to finally accept myself. I am not proud of my two divorces or the way I lost a financial fortune because I trusted unscrupulous businessmen. I wish my father had cheered for me when I was 12.
I don’t know you or your family, but I know how your daughter feels. That’s why I wrote this letter, tucked it into an envelope, and handed it to you at the next game. I waited until you stood again and yelled at her. Please read this in private, and think about this wonderful girl who has such amazing potential in life. If you continue to destroy her self-esteem over a game with 12-year-olds, she will drop out of basketball, she will become distracted and dejected, and she will seek approval somewhere else, probably from someone who hurts her.
Sincerely,
A Mother, Grandmother, and Former 12-year-old Girl
Oh Elaine. We all have witnessed these parents. I get excited at games too — but hopefully my cheering is encouraging. I grew up with the most supportive father. His dear problem was smothering me. Trying to keep me from harm — did a little unintended harm. But I’m so grateful that because of his parenting (though not perfect) I looked for positive men, supportive men I knew I deserved. I hope this father and take a hard look at his actions because of your words.
Thanks, Jamie. My kids participated in sports, too, and I was there on the sidelines cheering for them. Now I’m attending my grandkid’s sporting events, and I’ve noticed the parents are more hostile.
I was lucky not to have endured this as a child involved in many athletic endeavors. However, as a parent of a 10 year old, I appreciate this reminder to remember these are little girls at heart in big girl bodies.
We have made the effort to cheer for ALL good plays, regardless of team and to focus on effort put forth. It is interesting how those around us will begin to clap more often. Joy and positivity are contaigous.
We also ask both of our kids what their goal is for the game, take more shots, swim faster than last time, bump the ball 3 times and then talk about that after the game. My husband and I can be competitive, but neither child of ours has that disposition. We have truly had to learn how to engage differently with them so our perspectives and goals don’t get forced on them.
Thank you for this reminder!!
I agree with you Sarah. Our kids need to learn positive competitiveness. The game should be fun!
Wow. This is powerful.
My father only wanted me to be perfect. But he loved me more than anybody. And did unintended harm yet….
I think “it’s complicated” is really for father/daughter relationships and yes we carry them over.
Elaine, Thank you. Thank you for letting that father know the damage he is doing to his daughter. We can only hope that he will read and understand. Thank you for doing the right thing by that little 12 year old girl.
Fudge, this is good, Elaine. The 12 year old girl inside of me thanks you.
Elaine,
After having coached softball for 11 years, I can really relate to this blog. I’m running with it–thank you for sharing the 12-year-old still inside you.
Elaine, I totally hear you! I’ve seen it TOO many times! Great post! Dads (and MOMs, too!) need to read this!!!!
I’ve seen these kind of parents too! It’s disgusting and makes you want to go out on the court and hug them. Some parents forget it’s only a game!