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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Bringing Fame and Shame to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

March 23, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

 lola color

One week from today I’ll be flying to Dayton, Ohio as a speaker for the prestigious Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. My famous fart will follow me there and linger throughout the conference because I’ve become a stinkin’ cartoon.

My friends and family have known for years that I have no shame, but now I can cut loose with some real proof. My essay on The Huffington Post, “Don’t Fart During an MRI,” inspired Lola, the sassy curmudgeon of the daily comic pages, to assume the position and copy me. I don’t want to raise a stink, sound offensive, or toot my own horn, but I’m putting on airs to permeate such a ripe compliment. This cartoon passes the smell test for lighting up my day. I’m truly relieved.

The silly post went viral and generated more than 720,000 “likes” on Facebook. The piece was subsequently published in Germany, Italy, Korea, France, and Brazil and reprinted in several newsletters and magazines. I was interviewed on the HuffPo Live streaming newscast for writing one of the top ten most-read posts in the 10-year history of The Huffington Post. After 40 years of professional writing, I finally got noticed because we all secretly have the maturity of 10-year-old boys.

elaine huffpo live 1

Todd Clark is the creator and artist for LOLA, a nationally syndicated comic strip featuring a sassy senior citizen. Clark introduced the character in 1999, and she’s still causing chuckles for readers of all ages. I met Clark as he was creating cartoons at the annual Guardian Ball in Boise, Idaho. The event benefits severely wounded, injured, and ill veterans in the Wyakin Warrior Foundation. The Foundation provides one of the most comprehensive education, mentoring, professional development, networking and job placement programs in the country for severely wounded and injured veterans. My stepson, a Marine who was wounded in Iraq, is a member of the Wyakin Warriors.

I told Clark about my embarrassing medical experience, and he quickly sketched some artwork showing Lola tooting in an MRI. It’s not exactly Wonder Woman, but the caricature fits my personality… and life experiences.

todd clark lola

Since World War II, cartoonists from the National Cartoonist Society have traveled all over the world to visit wounded troops being treated at military and VA hospitals. Todd Clark packs his pencils and sketch pads and joins other award-winning cartoonists who support our military veterans. I am grateful for his contributions to veterans, and I’m delighted and humbled that now Lola and I are comedic cousins.

I’l be speaking at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop about how to turn a blog into a book and how to write humor. I hope that my audience can appreciate a good fart story but also enjoy other tidbits of knowledge, as well. I don’t want to be remembered as that funny woman who farts.

2014-10-24-fart-thumb

Here’s a list of the translated versions of my fart story as it continues to permeate throughout the world. It’s the least I can do to bring about laughter and sharing among all peoples. The translations are archived on The Huffington Post.

Don’t Fart During an MRI – in Korea, Germany, Italy, France, or Brazil

나는 MRI 촬영을 하다 방귀를 뀌었다

Huffington Post

Read More: Huffington Post News

나처럼 극한의 창피를 끊임없이 감수해야 하는 가엾은 인간들과 동정을 나누고자 내 슬픈 이야기를 아래에 적어�…

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나는 MRI 촬영을 하다 방귀를 뀌었다

Korea

Read More: Korea News

Warum Sie niemals im MRT furzen sollten

Germany

Read More: Blogs, Lifestyle, Mrt, Peinlich, Gesundheit, Germany News

Ich möchte diese erbärmliche, aber wahre Geschichte erzählen, um mich mit anderen gequälten Seelen zu solidarisieren, die immer wieder Peinlichkeiten erleben und überleben. Mein Erlebnis aus dieser Woche dürfte schwer zu übertreffen sein: Ich habe im MRT gefurzt.

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5 motivi per cui il sesso è migliore a 50 anni piuttosto che a 25

Italy

Read More: Sesso, La Vita Com’è, Sessualità, Italy News

Uno dei molti vantaggi dell’invecchiare è che noi sappiamo ciò che ci piace e ciò non ci piace. E ora ci fa sorridere ricordare quei dieci minuti di frenetico armeggiare sul sedile posteriore della macchina di un adolescente dopo la scuola. Alla nostra età, preferiamo le lenzuola in cotone egiziano, il soft jazz e il lusso dei preliminari. Non siamo solo più vecchi, ma anche molto più saggi.

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Ne pétez pas pendant une IRM

France C’est La Vie

Read More: Santé, Irm, Radiologie, Humour, Honte, Médecine, Flatulence, Conseils Irm, Hôpital, Irm Hôpital,France C’est La Vie News

SANTÉ – Je partage cette anecdote aussi vraie que pathétique en témoignage de ma sympathie pour d’autres âmes damnées qui, comme moi, traversent et survivent à des épreuves extrêmement humiliantes.

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Não peide ao fazer uma ressonância magnética

Brazil

Read More: Gases, Problema Com Gases, Peidar, Peidar No Hospital, Peidar Em Lugar Público, Peidar Em Local Público, Peidar Em Público, Problema Com Peido, Como Peidar, Saúde, Comportamento, Brasil Saúde, Brazil News

A minha experiência esta semana será difícil de superar: eu peidei dentro de um aparelho de ressonância magnética.

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Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #Erma Bombeck, #fart, #Huffington Post, #humor, #MRI, viral

D-Day Question

March 22, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

D-Day

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: D-Day, Europe, Nazis, Normandy, terrorists, US

I was Scammed Out of Thousands of Dollars

March 18, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

cheating closing agent

I graduated from college at age 21 with Phi Beta Kappa scholastic honors because I’m smarter than a fifth grader. Last week I was scammed out of $6,280 and received a bonus bill for $15,575 plus a lien on my property because my brains left the country along with my money.

I’m writing about my stupidity so other charming but gullible grandmothers can avoid my errors. I will include the names, telephone numbers, emails, and business names of those who scammed me. My factual words are my only revenge.

The debacle started last month when I decided to sell my Shell Vacations Club timeshare. I searched online, found a company with a professional website and glowing credentials, and sent an email. Unfortunately, the business is a scam and the credentials are bogus. Apparently, any lying crook with a dirty computer can set up a website and write positive reviews.

Here are two of the rotten scoundrels who cheated me out of $6,280. Christian Becker lies to people from Property Management Interactions, (773) 409-4913, extension 8857. The email is [email protected]. Emma Watson cackles at the corrupt title company called Alliance Resource Advisors, (469) 729-4903 in Dallas, Texas. The email is [email protected]. Only later did I notice she spelled her title “Exectutive Closing Agent.” I deserve this punishment.

Three different crooks contacted me from Property Management Interactions. The first, Adrian Martinez, suddenly disappeared in a mysterious motorcycle crash after he discovered I owned the timeshare free and clear. Then Christian Becker sold me the equivalent of a bridge in Brooklyn. After I complained, Christian was banished on an unexplained leave of absence only to be replaced by Alejandro Corona. I asked him to spell his name so I could include it correctly in this blog. He doesn’t like me, and the feeling is mutual.

scam bank info

Their contract promised a huge payment with no money up front and of course they had an eager buyer. After more than 20 telephone calls, it turned out I owed an initial fee of $6,280. Like a fool, I paid it and the money went to Mexico. Hello, red flag? Then I received the second surprise: another bill for $15,575 to cover Value-Added Tax and a new Registry for Foreign Investment Tax. Also, they put a lien on my property but promised to pay me $84,105. My language in return was less than Christian.

Today at the bank, I learned that the Federal Trade Commission and state consumer protection agencies are working full-time to shut down dishonest timeshare resellers that have bilked timeshare owners out of millions of dollars. This is a club I did not want to join and I’d like to sell or donate my membership. My banker advised me to call the credit reporting agencies to put an alert on my credit report and notify the IRS that my information has been compromised. He warned me that the scammers could sell my information and print counterfeit checks on the frozen account. The bank couldn’t refund my money or cover it through insurance but they did transfer my overdraft protection and bill payment details.

My official police report will be turned over to Interpol to investigate the companies for fraud and extortion. At least there is a silver lining: I never will have the title of Exectutive Closing Agent.

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #Mexico, #timeshare, extortion, Federal Trade Commission, fraud, resell, stupidity

Driving Through Fog

March 14, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

drive in fog 1

There is a place on Highway 55 in Central Idaho where a long stretch of the road heading into Round Valley dips into a cradle surrounded by glorious mountains. Morning fog often settles over the road, and the only choice is for a driver to turn on the headlights, slow down, and keep driving otherwise a less cautious driver coming from behind could cause a crash. Keep going.

I experience a faint feeling of doubt every time I encounter the fog. There could be a cow or deer in the road, chunks of firewood bounced from an overladen pickup truck, or another oncoming driver crossing the invisible center line. So, I’m alert and peer into the unknown, as if squinting will make the haze less dense. In the countless times I’ve driven this road, I know the fog will lift and I’ll drive into the sunshine. I know the passing scenery will change from a dense shroud into a glorious route through rugged canyons along a wild river that tumbles freely to the valley below. That’s why I keep driving.

drive in sunshine

For the past few weeks, I’ve been driving through fog with too much to do and too little time or energy to finish important projects. I’m holding the wheel until my knuckles turn white and peering ahead, but I can’t see a break. My wise intuition whispers “Keep going,” while my tired voice answers, “I want to stop and eat doughnuts.”

Most of my stress is self-imposed. I’ve known for months about three upcoming speeches at two national conventions, but I’ve waited until the last minute to complete my Power Point slides. I’ve known since last year about a book premiere party for a new anthology my company published, but I’m just now organizing promotional material for the event next month. And I’m organizing a writer’s retreat next month but need to register more people. Through all this cluster of items scribbled on wayward to-do lists, I’ve missed my grandkid’s activities and forgot to pay a few bills. And, I’ve had a nagging cough for weeks. I truly want to drive out of this fog.

In analyzing my current state of chaos, I realize the need to slow down and turn on the hazard lights. I don’t have the energy I took for granted in my thirties and forties, and there’s no reason to keep running the race when it was over years ago. I want to pull the emergency cord and get off the merry-go-round, but the music is so festive and the lights are so bright and I’m riding a gallant steed I call Lightening.

Actually, Lightening is an old, gray mare. She enjoyed her glory days at the carnival, but now her paint is chipped, one leg is cracked, and she’s not the favorite ride. She is quieter now as the platform continues to go round and round. In the distance, she notices the fog is settling. So she squints and keeps going.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #Idaho, drive, energy, fog, Highway 55, merry-go-round, priorities

Premiere Party for “Feisty” April 22 at JUMP

March 11, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

Feisty JUMP FINAL FINAL

Filed Under: blog, books Tagged With: #humor, #midlife, anthology, new release

The Suffragist Ghosts of Susan and Alice

February 29, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

suffragette paradeI had decided not to vote in the presidential election. Even though I previously had performed my loyal and patriotic duty since 1972, this year was different. The charade and parade of fools running for president made me question the need to vote. How do I select the least horrible candidate?

I believed the voting process was important to our Republic, but it was naive to think every vote counted. One candidate already had attracted large numbers of Super Delegates, those voters who were free to endorse anyone they want for nomination regardless of the voting result. Also, special-interest groups carried enough weight to tip the scales for or against a candidate. And every election cycle brought allegations of fraud from both sides as ballots were cast multiple times, often by dead or fictitious people. What’s the use?

A recent event caused me to reconsider my boycott of the elections. One evening I was working at my desk and I heard a noise in the kitchen so went to investigate.  A woman sat at the table and stared at me. Too frightened to run, I stared back and mumbled, “Who are you?”

Susan B Anthony

“I’m Susan Anthony,” she said. “And I’m very disappointed in you.”

“Would that be Susan with a ‘B’ Anthony?” I asked.

“Yes. You should have known by the vintage dress and white collar. Do you like my hair up in a bun like this? I could never wear it down like you do.”

“It looks lovely. But how did you get in my kitchen. Aren’t you dead?”

“Yes, I died in 1906. That was 14 years before women got the right to vote in this country.”

I felt chagrined. I knew she was a pioneer suffragette who championed women’s rights in a time when women were uneducated, couldn’t own property, and had few individual rights. She proceeded to tell me about her arrest for voting in the 1872 presidential election. She wasn’t allowed to speak during her trial, and the jury of all men convicted her. The judge fined her $100, which she never paid.

“I was arrested for voting,” she said. “What makes you so special that you don’t vote?”

I stammered an excuse and finally admitted I had no excuse.

“Would you like a glass of wine?” I asked, hoping to break the tension.

“Don’t you remember I was involved in the temperance movement? I was raised a strict Quaker, and I fought against the sale of alcohol. In those days, the husband controlled everything, the finances, the house, the children, and the wife. If he got drunk every night, the wife had no power to leave. She couldn’t get a divorce, and if they separated, the man usually got custody of the children and she was left destitute.”

“I can’t imagine how oppressive that must have been,” I said. “What prompted your vocal advocacy?”

“I was a teacher and I tried to speak at the New York State Teachers’ Association meeting in 1853, but the men said it wasn’t proper for a woman to speak in public. They debated 30 minutes and finally relinquished. Can you imagine?”

I thought about how relatively free women are today in comparison, even though there are cloisters of fanatical societies that continue to belittle females. The fact that I could own property, have an education, travel alone, vote, run for office, and make independent decisions was due to the advocacy of brave women from the past.

Another vision appeared and a woman sat down at the table. At this point, I didn’t care if Susan B. Anthony didn’t drink alcohol, I poured a glass of wine. After all, it was my kitchen and I was talking with two ghosts. I welcomed the woman and asked for her story.

Alice_Paul1915

“I’m Alice Paul,” she said. “In 1917, a group of women in Virginia was arrested, beaten, and thrown in jail for protesting for the right to vote. I was in that group and spent five weeks in prison. I went on a hunger strike so they locked me in solitary confinement in a psychiatric ward and force-fed me raw eggs through a tube down my throat. But I never gave up.”

“I don’t know how to repay both of you for your sacrifices,” I said. “Life must have been so difficult.”

“We were only two of thousands who marched in the streets, attended Congressional meetings, wrote amendments, fought with our patriarchal families, and encouraged other women. We were ridiculed, tormented, beaten, and chained to iron bars in jail cells. But we never gave up,” said Paul. “Your rights today are the result of our fearless actions.”

I raised my glass and toasted them. They raised empty hands to wave goodbye, smiled faintly, and began to fade away.

“I promise to vote!” I called after them.

“We know,” they said in unison. “Or, we’ll be back.”

I decided that I would vote. Which candidate to choose remained unclear, but I would vote. Susan and Alice sacrificed too much for me to stay home in the kitchen.

 

(This essay won a writing award from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and Bloggers.)

Receiving Award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Maureen Dowd

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: Alice Paul, elections, president, Suffragist, Susan B Anthony, vote, women's rights

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