Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Five Fun and (Almost) Free Things to Do

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elaine 2013 (114)

 

It’s already the second week of January. How are those resolutions working for you?  I made it three days without chocolate, so I’m golden for the rest of the month.

If you’re still in the “New Year, New You” mood, here are some hints for five fun, inexpensive activities to do that will improve your life. Try at least two of them before the end of the year.

ghoul

  1. Avoid negative people. You’ll never change them, so why be around them? They will suck out every ounce of energy you have and leave you a depleted shell of wasted humanity. This rule could be awkward if the offensive person is a relative, client, or neighbor, so just reduce the time you spend with them. Delete irritating, bloviating, and whining friends from your social media accounts. This experience is delightful, liberating, and perfectly legal.

mirabel flowers

2. Plant flowers in the spring with a child. Grab a cute kid – grandchildren are perfect for this project – and take them to select some flowers, haul everything into your yard, get dirty, make a mess, laugh, and plant some petunias. If you don’t have a yard, use some inexpensive pots and potting soil in your home or plant flowers at a nearby nursing home. Invite the sweetie pie over for tea parties throughout the summer so you can watch the flowers bloom and grow forever. Hum “Edelweiss,” if necessary.

 

elaine 2013 (113)

3. Explore other times and places that spark your imagination. You won’t need to find your lost passport or endure airport security lines if you find a comfortable chair and a good book. Look through your collection, browse your local bookstore, or schedule a few hours at the public library. I recommend Bel Canto by Ann Patchett, Wild by Cheryl Strayed, Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns, and All the Light You Cannot See by my friend Anthony Doerr.

brooke bubbles 4

  1. Blow bubbles. Watching kids giggle while they blow bubbles is better than any entertainment on television. Bottles are inexpensive from craft stores or you can make your own solution by gently mixing ½ cup water, ½ cup dish soap, and 2 teaspoons of sugar. You’ll need to keep the wands from empty bottles, and it’s best to do this activity outside. It’s okay if you secretly do this by yourself.

cabin wine

  1. Sit still and observe nature. Free: walk to a city park and sit on a bench. Some cost: drive to a nature center or the nearest scenic place. I prefer the mountains. More cost: add a bottle of wine and bring along a good friend/designated driver. Repeat these scenarios as often as possible.

These activities don’t cost much money and you don’t need to download, upload, or charge anything. The only batteries required are in your car. Simple pleasures are usually the best. Have a splendid year.

 

 

 

 

 

The Sad Mother’s Ring

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leona mother's ring

After the funeral, the mortician handed me a small velvet pouch that contained my mother’s jewelry: her favorite poinsettia earrings, an pearl necklace, and two rings. The first ring was a wedding ring my father gave her after she lost the original while working on the potato harvester. The second ring was a Mother’s Ring she wore for 50 years. She often fingered it with tears in her eyes.

My brothers and I gave her the ring decades ago when we young, all lived at home, and still spoke to each other. Our mutual estrangement as adults caused my mother immense pain during the last 15 years of her life. I still have trouble breathing when I remember the lawsuits after my father died, the loud fights, and the sight of my mother crying on the witness stand in court. The judge ruled in her favor, but the damage was done. Our family was shattered beyond repair.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my older brother in 18 years. He’s never met my husband or my grandchildren. He never visited his mother after losing the lawsuit, and he didn’t attend her funeral. January, the first birthstone in the Mother’s Ring, is a cold month.

The velvet pouch sat on the buffet table in my kitchen for two months and remained there when 24 people came over for Christmas Eve dinner. No one moved it; not even the children. The bag held the last personal belongings of our mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, and it seems almost irreverent to examine the only tangible things of value that remained after 87 years of life.

My husband and I finally opened the velvet bag and placed the rings in a container of jewelry cleaner. We left the necklace and earrings inside, tied the pouch, and placed it in the donation box. I hope someone will be pleased to wear the items.

The two rings have been professionally cleaned and are stored in jewelry boxes. I’m saving her wedding ring for my daughter and her daughter. As for the Mother’s Ring, I hope to meet a woman who had babies in January, September, and October, and I’ll give it to her. This ring deserves and needs to be celebrated.

To My Son as He Leaves for College

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adam elaine football hs

(For those with quiet empty nests, here’s a letter I wrote to my son years ago.)

What do you mean you mailed a college application? Get back down on the floor and play with some Legos. Do you want me to make you a sandwich? Or, you can invite your friends over and we’ll order pizzas. You can stay up all night, if you want. I’ll just go cry in my room, but don’t let that bother you.

Yes, I know I can be obnoxious about mothering you, but don’t leave yet. I’m not done. We need to work on laundry and managing money. And we should have the talk – you know, the discussion about sex, drugs, alcohol, and how the world is full of mean people who could hurt you. Oh, you say you can handle everything? Then tell me, son, how do I handle this anxiety? How do I stop this gut-churning ache when I realize my only son, my last child, is walking out the door and will return as a visitor? Give me some laughs for that fact, will you?

Okay, I’m sorry for that lapse in composure. I’m really happy for you. Really. I want you to march into college and own the place. Let them know you have arrived and you’re ready to pursue enlightenment and knowledge so you can get a great job and support me in my old age. Oops. There I go again. It’s not about me, is it? This is about you. I must focus.

Because I’m a single parent and the two of us have shared this house for several years, I want to give you my best parenting advice before you drive off to the university. So, here goes:

  1. Size matters. You already know this. Weighing in at 11 pounds, you were one of the biggest babies every born at the Gooding County Hospital. You were always the tallest, which made it easy to find you in a crowd of other children. You were sad at age 4 when He-Man underwear didn’t come in your size, and the teachers had to order an adult-sized desk for you in 5th You were 6’6” in high school, and you carried the load for others, as you continue to do today. Sometimes you didn’t like being so big, but many people, including me, see you now as a tall, strong, funny, handsome, and responsible hero. That’s a good thing.
  2. Keep your sense of humor. No one can make me laugh like you do. Your personality is beyond gregarious and that’s why others enjoy being around you. I’ve seen you cheer up a dejected classmate, counsel a young child, coach and encourage a YMCA team, and cause your grandmother to grin. (Dementia made her grin all the time, but you brought a special twinkle to her eyes.)
  3. Stay compassionate. As a two-year-old, you took care of other children at the child-care center. That special trait continued into your teenage years. Several others took advantage of you, and I know you used your wages to pay for a lot of meals, trips, and activities that other kids couldn’t afford. Keep that empathetic characteristic, but watch out for charlatans who will exploit your generosity. Learn from me.
  4. Treat women as wonderful, complicated creatures who can make your life a living hell or a heavenly sanctuary. You will live in a fraternity and there will be raucous parties with coeds. Have fun, but keep your head clear and your pants zipped. Other college men won’t heed that advice, and their new nickname will be “father” or “college drop-out.” The woman you choose to marry will be lucky, indeed. Remember to compliment her, support her dreams, and be delighted in your partnership with her as you build dreams together. Plan great adventures and expect a successful marriage. And, if she ever asks, “How do I look?” always respond, “Wow! You look amazing?” Trust me.
  5. Remember your roots. You were born into a family with a strong work ethic, a love of adventure, and an unwavering love for their children. I’m sorry your father and I lost the marriage, but we continued to make your sister and you our top priority. Take this experience to do better than we did.
  6. Get ready to fly. The next five years will be the most important years of your life. You will go to college, get a job, perhaps get married, and maybe you’ll have children. Life will never be the same again. Take this time to savor every drop of life you can. Meet new people, visit new destinations, make some mistakes, and recover with gusto. But, please, know that if you move far away I know how to make airplane reservations. I’d like a guest room with teal-colored paint on the walls, a coffee maker, and a wine bar.

I think that’s the essential tidbits for now. You’ve got a job so you know about money. As for laundry, just wear all dark clothes so you don’t need to separate the loads. But, always wash your towels at least weekly. I might need to throw a few wet towels on the floor after you’re gone just for the memories.

Go to college, son, and remember that life can’t be one big party unless someone pays the bills and provides the clean-up committee. Be the one in charge of your own celebration of young adulthood. I’ll miss you every day, but soon I can visit you on campus. I’ll bring your favorite cookies! And a pizza. It will be just like old times.

Most of all, I will miss your laugh, so please record it for me. Remember, your first laugh was with me when you were four months old. It could have been caused by gas bubbles, but oh my, how you could laugh! Please don’t ever stop. One more thing: I’ll leave the light on for you.

Love,

Mama (all alone in a big, quiet, empty house)

 

 

Nature’s Law: Run Fast or Die

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deer carcass cabin

We recently arrived at our mountain cabin in central Idaho and discovered a flock of eagles eating the bloody carcass of a deer. The raw, vivid scene made me appreciate the true drama of life and death in the wilderness. I was also grateful for strong doors with locks because it felt much safer to be secure inside the cabin while hearing the howls of nearby wolves and the night screams of prowling cougars. So far there is no proof that wild animals can pick locks.

In the light of day, we inspected the animal tracks around the body and concluded that a mountain lion had killed the deer because the carcass was intact. Wolves and coyotes usually tear apart their prey and scatter the bones. After the wild animals had devoured most of the flesh, the eagles and other birds had picked off every extra scrap. Two days later, only a few ragged bones remained in the blood-stained snow. Some people photograph bunnies and kittens; I take pictures of ravaged skeletons.

mt lion snow

The brutal but accepted scene verified two important laws of nature that could apply to human life: to survive, you must get up every morning, rely on yourself, or die. Second law: Scavengers can’t be too persnickety because leftovers are better than nothing.

Here are some more nuggets of knowledge that you should know when comparing nature to real life:

  1. Survival is the daily goal of wild animals. When you roll out of bed each morning, you should squint into the mirror, growl from the depths of your loins, and decide which problems to vanquish by noon. You don’t have to be the fastest runner; just be able to run faster than one other person.
  2. Hunger is a strong motivator. Your New Year’s diet of carrots and broccoli won’t keep you in predator mode. Just as the savage cougar seeks a tasty deer, fuel yourself with proteins, and eat healthy meals. You can cook your steaks, if necessary.
  3. Choose your pack carefully. Be with others who share and value your goals. For a good time, share a fresh and tasty meal with friends. Humans have a major advantage over the animals because you can pair your food with delicious wines.
  4. Be able to recognize and escape predators. Sometimes it feels as if you are running for your life as you navigate jobs, families, marriages, community responsibilities, and home maintenance. Remember to avoid dangerous negative people who will suck out your energy and steal your snacks. You should also take time to escape the rat race and schedule a few hours to relax before you go back into the jungle. Take a cue from the wild cats that sleep most of the day, and go take a nap.
  5. Scavengers have their role. Improvise your talents for utilizing leftovers, including food, clothes, or clutter. Create a way to use the scraps or give them away or toss them into the garbage. The animals don’t waste anything, and they live lean. They don’t wear cargo pants with multiple pockets or rent storage units, and you shouldn’t either.

deer in meadow

Finally, knowing wild life facts could make you an interesting guest at boring dinner parties. When a stuffy guest pontificates about some absurd topic, just announce with conviction that a mule deer can run up to 40 miles per hour but a mountain lion can sprint at speeds up to 50 miles per hour and can jump upon the deer’s back and crush its neck. That should amaze and impress everyone. If not, just growl and clean your plate.

 

 

Grandmother’s Ornaments are Still Hanging Around

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grandma's ornaments
Made by My Grandmothers

Decking the hall and trimming the tree are annual rituals I prefer to do alone. For almost four decades, I’ve gently unpacked the ornaments and centerpieces while playing my favorite music. Bing makes me happy with “White Christmas,” and the effervescent “Sleigh Ride” guarantees a jolly mood. But by the time Frank sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” I usually grab some of the wrapping tissue and wipe a few tears. I’m just a sentimental sap because “next year all our troubles will be out of sight.”

After all the festivities and hullabaloo are over, packing the decorations is a bittersweet experience best fortified with a glass of Cabernet, a plate of leftover fudge, and one last time with nostalgic Christmas music. I’m okay until Sandi Patti sings “Bethlehem Morning” and then I usually sit helpless on the floor surrounded by stray ornaments, a lost lamb from the Nativity set, and a cracked nutcracker while holding a scratched ball that says “Baby’s First Christmas 1980.”

The melancholy dilemma is brief, and I gulp the wine, gobble the fudge, and change the music to “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves followed by “Beautiful Day” by U2. I’m hollering “It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away” as I throw the last string of lights into the box and tape it for another 11 months. Depression averted for another year.

Part of my Santa collection.

This year I reminisced about my grandmother’s handmade ornaments given to me more than 30 years ago. Both my grandmothers were sturdy, stoic farm women. They used their hands to mold dough, make soap, sew and mend clothes, milk cows, and create Christmas ornaments. My paternal grandmother’s eyesight was failing in her last years, but she managed to thread yard around plastic patterns of Santa and Mrs. Claus. My maternal grandmother’s fingers were bent from years of hard work, but she tatted and crocheted intricate snowflakes and starched them for ornaments, each one different, each one made with love.

My grandmothers died decades ago, and I’ve only recently truly appreciated their gifts to me. They were widows, living on Social Security payments, and their quiet goodness was often overlooked. They didn’t know what to do with their noisy, spirited granddaughter, but they continued to give simple gifts from their hearts. I’m humbled when I reflect on their gentle gestures. This year, I wrapped their ornaments in the good tissue.

Now I’m a grandmother, and I hope I can be a good example to the little giggling girls that have come into my life. I want them to have the essential qualities of generosity, honesty, productivity, and joy. And if the music of their life is making them sad, I hope they get up and change it. Their great-great-grandmothers would approve.