Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Midlife Cabernet – Sucked into the Sewer of Political Pomposity

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One of the many advantages of living in the last third of life is that I don’t accept crap from anyone. I wasted valuable time during my thirties and forties posing as a pleaser, forever scampering around to ensure that everyone was happy while concurrently fighting manic hormones that were yelling at me to break something. Now, like a fine wine aged to perfection, I just don’t give a rip.

Facebook periodically presents a trap that I fall into if I’m not vigilant about keeping my comments sassy and humorous. Earlier this week, an associate who just happens to be a politician made a comment on Facebook. I added a factual statement that provided an alternative opinion. Holy Hot Flash! Suddenly, strangers wrote comments suggesting that I was stupid and wrong. One challenged me by name to check my facts. Another threw in an entire paragraph of questions and demanded that I answer them. These hostile comments received “like” comments from other strangers who don’t know me.

Of course, feeling threatened, defensive, and unjustly attacked, I wrote and posted an excellent rebuttal that factually substantiated my original post. Then I waited. No one “liked” my rebuttal. Obviously, nobody wanted an intelligent debate. Sigh. So, I decided, once again, that it is impossible for some groups to engage in civil discourse and show tolerance for diversity of opinion. I removed all my posts to this person, un-friended the one person I knew who “liked” the attacks on me, and placed a hammer on my desk. I taped a note on the hammer that reads: “Use this to hit head instead of making another political comment on Facebook.”

Now that I’m liberated from being sucked into the verbal sewage of political pomposity, I am free to open a bottle of 2008 Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon. This delightful wine combines a tasty blend of Cabernet, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Malbec, and Petit Verdot, and is available at Seasons Wine Bar in Eagle for around $40. It’s my fabulous, mature choice to sip good wine instead of argue with strangers.

Midlife Cabernet – Tossing Out the Guilt Garbage

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Humorist Erma Bombeck once wrote that guilt was the gift that keeps on giving. I no longer want this gift because it makes me crabby, unproductive, and resentful when I prefer to be sparkling, positive, and somewhat creative. So I intend to scamper to the top of this heavy pile of baggage, raise my liberated, wrinkled arms to the sky, and declare with gusto: Guilt be gone!

I started carrying bags of guilt when I returned to work full-time and my children, ages two and five, went to 10 hours of child care five days a week. Back in the pioneer days of Women in Management, businesses did not offer flex time, or time off for birthday parties at school, or tolerance for sick children. “Suck it up and get to work” was the prevailing philosophy.

I started to shed the guilt when my darling children went off to college, just about the same time my widowed mother’s health began to decline. She lived alone for twenty years before I moved her to an assisted living facility in Boise. After each visit, she would sit in her wheelchair in the doorway of her apartment and wave until I was out of sight. The baggage came back.

To preserve what remains of my eroding sanity, I refuse to pick up the bags again. I take comfort in knowing that my children are wonderful young adults who are making the world a better place. They are happily married, and their homes are full of love. We see my mother more than ever, and we include her in our family activities. So, get behind me Guilt because I’m not going to carry your bags anymore. Now my biggest garbage will consist of empty wine bottles.

To celebrate my enlightened decision, I opened a bottle of 2009 Charles Krug Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley. Its smooth taste includes black currants, raspberries, and a hint of cocoa. It sells for $25 at Alberstons, and now Preferred Customers receive a $3 discount. Better stock up…

Today’s wine was white! Have I gone mad?

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Tonight’s blog was fueled by a glass of 2006 Trinitas Sauvignon Blanc from Napa Valley. It’s true – I’m drinking white wine, but at least it’s not Chardonnay! I found this wine in a wonderful underground wine bar in Napa Valley at the sumptuous Vino Bello Resort. If you have to drink white wine, it might as well have a great story. Also, thanks Joanne for telling me to get off my pity party and revive the blog.

Midlife Cabernet – When Golf is a Communist Plot

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This week Studley and I played in the foursome that won first place in a golf scramble. We won even though I was the worst golfer on the team and I don’t practice or excel as much as the good players but through the handicap rules we redistributed the wealth of our collective talents to serve the greater good. Other teams with better players were prevented from winning because they didn’t have a bad player. Karl Marx, the socialist philosopher who advocated communism, would be proud. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so grouchy if he had played golf.

The fallacy with the redistribution philosophy is that the best golfers play in scrambles to practice and to have fun. They also compete as individuals in tournaments where they have the potential and opportunity to earn millions of dollars because of their skills. They pay government income taxes on these earnings which are then used to fund education, build roads, and pay into a Social Security program that gives money to those who don’t work or golf as well. They also donate to charity and sponsor community events, which Marx never did. The winning golfers get to keep about half of their earned money. And, they deserve it.

The best golfers, like other successful entrepreneurs, have unique tenacity, talent, intelligence, and risk-taking ability to create and sustain their enterprises. They play by the rules that reward achievement, and they don’t expect free mulligans or trophies for everyone. If the current trend toward political correctness changes the game and decrees that all golfers will play par for the course, most of us will stay in the club house and drink gin and tonic cocktails.

One last comment before I go back to the golf course: Karl Marx, the avowed socialist who wanted a classless society and condemned capitalism, received his income from Friedrich Engels, a rich industrialist who paid Marx from the profits of his capitalistic factories. Comrade Marx was a fraud.

Today’s blog was inspired by a 2008 Snake River Valley Cabernet Sauvignon grown, produced and bottled locally by a capitalist company, Fraser Vineyard. I eagerly exchanged $24 for the bottle, and both consumer and seller are happy.

Midlife Cabernet – Arousing 50 Shades of Grey Matter

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The owner of a hotel in England recently replaced guest copies of the Holy Bible, the world’s bestselling book, with 50 Shades of Grey, the new soft-porn bestseller than inspires horny women to imagine torrid but poorly written fantasies. While I endorse creative marketing strategies and applaud freedom of physical expression, I can only assume that the hotel management also will provide discrete, brown wrappers for the family guests and disposable, battery-operated toys for those flying solo.

Because I can’t stop myself from noticing the epoch and conspicuous differences between the two books, I’ve noted an excerpt from each:

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among men. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste….Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for (his) love is more delightful than wine.”
— “Song of Solomon,” Old Testament, written 3,000 years ago

“I found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your behind.”
— 50 Shades of Grey, current bestselling novel

I don’t want to debate religion (thank God.) I’m merely questioning the literary value of certain bestselling books. It doesn’t take much imagination to slither into Anastasia Steele’s sticky bedroom where she exclaims with amazement, “I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible!” But, it takes thought and reflection to get lost in Bel Canto by Ann Patchett (a personal favorite) or to feel the heartache described in The Help by Kathryn Stockett or to appreciate the wit of Olive Ann Burns in Cold Sassy Tree. Maybe it’s all a matter of balancing excellence with trash, much like enjoying the occasional corn dog at the Fair. But, it’s also important to use or lose the delicate sensory perception abilities that come from our brains to arouse the grey matter between our ears instead of between the sheets.

Ironically, there is a subtle connection with 50 Shades of Grey and A Tale of Two Cities – the all-time bestselling novel ever written. Biographers of the author Charles Dickens wrote that he believed that prolific sexual activity was necessary for a healthy man. The sub-plot for his great novel centers on the sexual exploitation of a young, powerless girl by an older, powerful man. Sounds like the prelude to 50 Shades…

There is no wine review this week because I’m on the exercise wagon driven by my super-healthy daughter. So, we’ll end with the opening lines from A Tale of Two Cities (notably appropriate for our current times.)

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”
— Charles Dickens
English Novelist (1812-1870)

Midlife Cabernet – Going for the Gold

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At my age, getting out of bed each morning should be an Olympic event worthy of a gold medal. I can hear the breathless announcers:

“She’s got one foot out, Bob. Will she be able to move the other one in the next five minutes?”

“Look, Brian. Now both feet are on the floor. The form is a bit wobbly but she stuck the landing!”

The crowd goes wild. I hobble to the podium in my well-worn nightgown, my hair is disheveled, and I squint without my glasses. I bend to receive the medal but I need help getting up again. My back aches, my neck is stiff, and one leg has a cramp, but I’m still standing. A single tear rolls from my eye but catches in a wrinkle. Yes, I did it! Now, what’s for breakfast?

I’ve enjoyed watching the Olympics and am amazed at the physical and mental strength of the athletes. I wish I had a fraction of their discipline. And, as the late comedienne George Burns once said, if I knew I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.

If you are what you eat, I’m a gigantic chocolate chip cookie floating in a vat of red wine. But now I have a new zeal to live long enough to irritate my future great-grandchildren. I’m in an intense exercise program with the goal of jogging in the St. Luke’s Women’s Fitness Celebration in September. At this point, there’s a 50-50 chance I’ll make it to the starting line and then take a detour to the scone booth.

The course is called Body Back Boise and it’s designed for women who want to get back in shape after having a baby. My youngest (Baby #2) is 31 years old, so I’ve decided it’s about time. The instructor is a lean, charming woman (Baby #1) who inspires a group of six women to sweat until we crumple like empty candy bar wrappers. She met us at a grocery store and taught us to shop on the outside of the aisles – that’s where the fresh, organic produce, dairy products and lean meats are displayed. Now I’m afraid to go near the rows of packaged, processed foods because some bell will ring, lights will flash, and I’ll be disqualified from class.

It’s still amazing to return from the store with kale and cucumbers instead of cake and candy. I’m trying to cook and eat healthier, and I even made a dinner with quinoa – an organic, high-protein grain – sautéed with fresh vegetables and herbs. Studley added a cube of butter, some Cajun spice, and a pork chop and said it was delicious. In the true test of discipline, I’ve limited the amount of red wine that I enjoy. Note the word “limited” as opposed to “eliminated.” Not even world-class athletes are perfect in everything!

Today’s blog is fueled by ONE GLASS – yes, one glass – of 2007 Francis Ford Coppola Director’s Cabernet Sauvignon from Sonoma County. It’s lush and fruity with a hint of berries and spice. And, it pairs nicely with a grilled steak and fresh salad. Some warm pecan pie with ice cream would be a nice touch, but I think my fitness instructor installed secret cameras in my house…