Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Here’s What I’m Doing Today about Gun Control

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I watched through tears as the videos showed students cowering under desks and running to the arms of their anguished parents. I’m done waiting for Congress to act to protect our children. In my opinion, members of Congress care about two things: voters and money. Republicans eagerly take donations from lobbyists, including the NRA, and hide behind the Second Amendment. Democrats refuse to compromise on the Dream Act because they want more voters.

Our school children aren’t important to politicians because they are too young to vote and don’t have money to donate to campaigns.

I own a gun and have a concealed weapon permit. My family’s guns are unloaded and locked in a gun safe. I support the Second Amendment to the US Constitution because it protects the rights of the people to keep and bear arms. However, our Founding Fathers only knew about single-shot guns that took time to reload. Today’s AR-15 can shoot more than 20 bullets in nine seconds and can be reloaded quickly.

According to this report, more than 5 million Americans own AR-15 assault rifles. I think that’s enough. I was raised in conservative Idaho and almost every family owned at least one gun. Students often had shotguns in their vehicles but no one owned a semi-automatic rifle and no one shot up the school and murdered people.

I advocate two courses of action: one is free and the other will cost money.

First, it costs nothing to send emails. Today I’m sending emails to local and online gun dealers and manufacturers asking them to stop the manufacture and sale of assault rifles for public consumption. Email addresses are easily found through an Internet search. I’m not suggesting they stop the sale of pistols, shotguns, ammunition, or sport shooting supplies.

I’m sending emails to online gun dealers such Cheaper Than Dirt! The company offers bargains on guns including semi-automatic rifles. You can have one for only $612, but the enhanced tactical version costs almost $2,500. That’s enough for a cheap casket. Deluxe versions sell for $8,000 – enough to pay for the entire funeral.

 

Spikes Tactical .308 Roadhouse AR308 Style Semi Auto Rifle .308 …

$2,489.43

 

 

Bushmaster QRC AR-15 Semi Auto Rifle 5.56 NATO 16″ Barrel 3….

I’m also sending email to dozens of US companies, including major gun dealers such as Smith & Wesson, Sturm Ruger, and Remington Arms. Sending emails is free, and I intend to do it regularly. I don’t have the power to change laws, but I can act as a gun owner and American who is concerned about the country and worried about our children.  I can’t get two boxes of Sudafed. How do mentally ill people get AR-15s?

Other options will cost money:

  • Buy existing semi-automatic rifles from stores and online dealers and turn them into products such as bridges and wheelchairs.
  • Offer a buy-back program for owners of assault rifles.
  • Pay for better counseling, treatment, and facilities for mental health patients.

The second paragraph of the first article in the Declaration of Independence as approved on July 4, 1776 included these important words:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

In my opinion, a student living through the day is guaranteed in our Constitution.

 

PS – I usually don’t write about murdered children. Check here for a delightful selection of my humorous books: Elaine Ambrose

 

 

 

 

The Water Chestnut Hoarder

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I’ve elevated the dubious label of compulsive hoarder to a new level above and beyond disheveled stacks of newspapers, precarious piles of unrecognizable clothes, and half-used tubes of anti-aging products that incorrectly promised to magically revitalize my skin’s youthful radiance and defy the aging process.

I collect cans of water chestnuts.

I love water chestnuts because they add a delightful crunch to tuna salad, chicken salad, green bean casserole, stir-fry meals, and stuffing. They’re also sinfully delicious wrapped in bacon and baked. As a health benefit, they are fat-free, (ignore the bacon grease), have low sodium, and there are only 14 calories in four water chestnuts. They do have significant amounts of potassium and carbohydrates, but it’s not like eating an entire banana cream pie. Save that for later.

So, what’s the problem? There are impossible to find in the grocery store. My cart automatically rolls to the aisles for wine, cookies, and other health foods, but the illusive chestnuts hide whenever I need them.

One evening before a holiday feast, I was frantically rummaging in the grocery store trying to find the last item on my list: water chestnuts. I had no luck in the canned vegetable aisles, in the produce section, or in the seasonal food display. I was confident they weren’t in the dairy or frozen food aisles, but looked anyway.

Desperate, I stood in the middle of the main aisle and shouted in my loudest outside voice, “Where are the water chestnuts?”

People froze. The jolly music stopped. A child cried and clung to her mother. I didn’t care.

A tired man appeared wearing a name tag that read, “Hi! I’m Todd. Can I help you?”

“Todd,” I exclaimed, grabbing his lapels, “I need water chestnuts. Now!”

Todd stepped back, smoothed his jacket, and nodded for me to follow him. Like a beacon of hope leading the lost and forlorn to the promised land, he maneuvered through the weary shoppers to a shelf containing cans of water chestnuts. They mocked me with their obvious placement in the oriental food section.

With profound gratitude and wild abandon, I scooped every can into my cart. I wasn’t concerned if anyone else wanted some. Todd disappeared, muttering to himself, and I ran the gauntlet to the checkout stand.

“Well, someone likes water chestnuts,” the young checker chirped as she counted two dozen cans. My twitching eye warned her to avoid further comments. I started to relax after arriving home and stacking all the cans into the pantry.

During the following weeks, I purchased several cases of water chestnuts. I often tiptoed into the pantry to see, touch, and count the precious little prizes. After opening and consuming the delightful morsels, I saved the empty cans because someday they could be valuable. I stored them beside my vintage coffee can collection.

Love Potions and Dental Floss

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The National Retail Federation predicts more than $20 billion will be spent this year on Valentine’s Day gifts that include jewelry, flowers, candy, and greeting cards. However, many middle-aged couples ignore the hype and prefer a nice dinner with fine wine, a slow dance on the patio, and a tender look that says:

“I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. HAVE YOU SEEN MY DENTAL FLOSS?”

The Valentine’s Day edition of a popular women’s magazine recently offered some provocative advice about how to drive a man crazy by using naughty tricks that involved handcuffs and blindfolds. At midlife, most of us don’t have time or money to waste so we’d rather dim the lights, turn on some Luther Vandross, and holler “Come and get it!” before it’s time for the evening news and some salve on our aching backs.

The passing years have provided us the wisdom to know that if we donned a skimpy outfit smaller than a hanky and then wore a blindfold we would trip over our wobbly stilettos and smack our head on the nightstand. And if we lit 50 candles and then agreed to handcuffs we’d knock over the candles, start the house on fire, and not be able to find the key to the cuffs. Our friendly firemen would be greatly amused and publish our hapless photographs in a local magazine.

Most middle-aged women are strong advocates for romance but we want and need it more than once a year. We prefer daily acts of devotion that can build a lasting love affair. My sweetheart makes my coffee every morning and brings me the newspaper. (Yes, a morning newspaper proves just how old we are.) He laughs at my jokes even though he’s heard them before and they’re really not that funny. And, he kisses me every night and morning. We touch in our sleep, and that is the essence of pure love.

TRUE ROMANCE  FOR MIDDLE-AGED COUPLES OFTEN REQUIRES A SENSE OF HUMOR.

I don’t mind trying new amorous adventures, but they often come with humorous and unromantic results. The kitchen table was way too hard, the secluded outside picnic came with ants and stickers, and the tight corset took 30 minutes to remove. Once I arranged for a limousine stocked with Scotch and hot wings to pick up my hubby from the airport, but the limo was late and he stood outside in the freezing cold for twenty minutes. Another time I applied some sensuous massage oil but ended up spilling the entire bottle and ruining our best sheets. It took him two hot showers to degrease.

BUT, I’M NOT GIVING UP ON PASSION BECAUSE IT’S JUST TOO MUCH FUN.

Millions of people over 50 enjoy loving relationships, and they now comprise the biggest group in online dating. According to the Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, sexual health is important at any age, and doctors agree that older couples who enjoy sexual intimacy can lower their blood pressure, reduce the risks of heart attacks, and look years younger. According to my close female friends, a festive romp in the hay is a grand way to end the day, and there is no medical study required for that astute observation.

As millions of American women grow closer to age 60, we no longer relate to the role models of yesterday. We reject the weathered images of the late Irene Ryan who was only 63 when she played the role of Granny Clampett in the television series Beverly Hillbillies and prefer the strong image of 65-year-old movie star Meryl Streep. We love the feisty spirits of sexy senior citizens Betty White and Tina Turner. Television legend Joan Collins is 81 years young. At a recent pre-Grammy party in Beverly Hills she said that sex was better than Botox for slowing the aging process. In response, many of the glamorous guests weren’t able to raise their eyebrows with surprise.

This year, forget the potions, purchases, and promises for the perfect Valentine’s Day. Be grateful for daily gestures of love and let him know in advance that you’d rather have a nice bottle of wine and a back rub than a 4-foot Vermont teddy bear. Really. Those things are scary.

 

Midlife Cabernet – Your Party Needs a Make-Over

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Today’s blog is sponsored by a 2010 Le Focaie Sangiovese from Tuscany, Italy. We discovered it at a wine tasting party in Garden Valley (black tie not required), and it’s a good wine with tastes of wild berries, spices, and a hint of vanilla. It’s about $13 at the Garden Valley Market.