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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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You are here: Home / Archives for #aliceinwonderland

#aliceinwonderland

Four Weeks and a Funeral

November 14, 2014 By Elaine Ambrose

funeral flowers

A month ago, I followed Alice in Wonderland and fell down a mysterious rabbit hole and experienced events that must have been orchestrated by the crazy rabbit and the hookah-smoking caterpillar. I soared, laughed, cried, and crawled through a series of events that changed my life forever.

On October 16, I endured an MRI for a knee injury and wrote a silly blog titled “Don’t Fart During an MRI.” I scattered 632 words into ten paragraphs and submitted the essay to The Huffington Post and it was published on October 27. In two weeks, the piece went viral and received more than 640,000 likes on Facebook and was reprinted on dozens of websites around the world. I received emails from people in other countries and had offers to host trips for middle-aged women, appear at wine tasting events, arrange book signings, and appear at a music show in Nashville.

On November 6, Whoopi Goldberg mentioned me on the ABC show “The View” and talked for several minutes about the essay. My book sales soared, and people subscribed to my website newsletter. I’ve been a professional writer for several decades and never intended to reach international status by passing gas. It definitely was the fart heard around the world, and I was amused at being the “air to the throne.”

On October 21, I had surgery to repair a torn meniscus in my knee and a cracked bone in my leg. I couldn’t put any weight on my ravaged leg for one week, so was confined in my recliner with my leg strapped to an ice machine. At least I had my laptop so I could blog about the wonders of legal narcotic painkillers.

My sweet mother’s health had been declining for several years, and compassionate Hospice associates were keeping her comfortable at a nearby assisted living facility. During her last week, I was able to use crutches to go to her room, join my daughter as we talked with her, and play her favorite spiritual music. On October 31, my husband Studley and I made our last visit and kissed her goodbye. She passed away the following morning. I blogged about her on Huffington Post for several days as I planned the funeral for November 11.

My mother’s funeral offered beautiful music, an inspirational message, an amazing display of floral arrangements, and heart-felt tributes from my children to their grandmother. At the following graveside service, a chill wind passed through the cemetery. My 7-year-old granddaughter, named after my mother, sat on my lap and we kept warm under a blanket. The sky was overcast as we walked away, as if all the heavenly tears were waiting for us to leave before they fell. My dear Studley held my hand, as usual.

On November 8, I learned that I had received three writing awards: First Place for Humor in the North American Book Awards competition for my book Midlife Cabernet, one of the Top Ten Authors in the Idaho Book Award program, and First Place for Cover Design. The awards ceremony was November 13 in Boise. Of course, the awards were presented on a stage that had 12 enormous steps and I resembled Quasimodo from the book Hunchback of Notre-Dame as I lumbered up post-surgery to accept the trophies.

All these events created the perfect storm of intense physical and mental pain combined with feelings of recognition and personal achievement. I struggled with the agony in my leg and sobbed for my dear mother while I checked my Huffington Post numbers and wrote a news release about the book awards. This surreal time has caused me to reflect on priorities and evaluate what is truly important. I conclude that life is crammed with highs and lows, joy and sorrow, opportunity and struggle. I feel fortunate to hang on and not fall off of this wild, funny, traumatic, and magnificent ride.

In the 1994 movie Four Weddings and a Funeral, Andie MacDowell and Hugh Grant play delightful characters in the popular romantic comedy about love and loss. These past four weeks have presented a powerful personal script and I only wrote a small part of it. Now it’s time to grab some popcorn, find a comfortable seat, and get ready for the sequel.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #aliceinwonderland, #AndieMacDowell, #blog, #FourWeddings, #funeral, #grief, #HughGrant, #pain, #Quasimodo, #surgery, #writing

Hallucinating with Storybook Friends

September 25, 2014 By Elaine Ambrose

alice tea party

I recently experienced a knee injury so painful that I sobbed until tears and snot covered my face, and I ignored my mother’s admonishment to wear fancy underwear before going to the hospital. After x-rays confirmed damaged ligaments, a doctor who appeared to be 12-years-old prescribed an assortment of painkilling medicines. I wanted to adopt him because the wonder drugs were magnificent.

I had been proud of my ability to avoid illegal drugs, even while growing up during the sixties and seventies, but after experiencing the magical pills I wondered if my pious virtue and self-discipline had been overrated. As Studley drove us home from the hospital, I enjoyed my own private trip.

I noticed a large white rabbit sitting in the back seat and recognized him as one of the characters in the book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, a childhood favorite.

“Hi, White Rabbit!” I said and waved. Studley kept driving.

Then I looked out the window and saw the Cheshire Cat grinning in the night sky. His head turned all the way around and I laughed with delight.

“Look! The cat is winking at me!” Studley kept driving.

We arrived home and Studley wrestled my incapacitated body out of the car, into the house, and onto the bed. By then, there was an entire tea party floating around the room. Alice looked at me with a sigh of boredom and begged me to get up and play. The Dormouse scolded Alice for being bossy so the Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit pushed his head into the tea pot. I laughed and laughed.

hooka final

I noticed the Caterpillar sitting on a pillow smoking a hookah. He offered me a toke but I told him I’d never inhaled. That statement caused guests at the party to spit out their tea, and I felt silly. Just then the Queen of Hearts ran into the bedroom waving a big ax.

“Off with her head!” she screamed.

I jerked, and the involuntary movement caused a shooting fireball of pain to rip through my bandaged knee and ignite the nerve endings in my leg. I hollered for Studley, and he came running so fast he almost spilled his gin and tonic.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Do you need more pain pills?”

“Yes, yes,” I gasped. “And paint the white roses red so the queen won’t cut off my head!”

Studley patiently read the instructions on the pill bottle and considered gulping a few but decided I needed them more.

“You should wait two more hours,” he said.

I clenched my fists and snarled. Studley feared for his life.

“I need. Another. Pill,” I growled with the intensity of the possessed girl in the movie “The Exorcist.”

By then Studley was reminiscing about his single life, just a short five years ago. Nothing had prepared him for life with a writer whose imagination was prone to hallucinations and fantasies, even while sober. The pain meds introduced a whole new level of crazy.

He gulped his gin and bravely offered three ibuprofen tablets.

“Take these,” he suggested. “They’ll help until it’s time for the hydrocodone. Remember, this prescription is a narcotic related to opium.”

“But look at the Caterpillar,” I wailed. “He’s smoking a hookah on your pillow!”

alice flamingo

Studley nodded and left to fix another cocktail. That’s when a pink flamingo peeked from underneath the sheet. He whispered that he needed to hide because Alice wanted to use him as a croquet mallet. I promised and pulled up the sheet.

I vaguely remember falling down a hole lined with red roses. The queen should be happy with that, I thought. Then everything went black. I know that the flamingo stayed underneath the sheet because I could hear him snoring and moaning all night.

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #aliceinwonderland, #drugs, #humor, #midlife, #pain, #storybook

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