Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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To Get Your Blog Noticed, Add “Fart” to the Title

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fart sign

Today my blog titled “How a Fart Paid My Bills” was featured on three Huffington Post pages, Comedy, Books, and Technology, and also distributed through Huffington Post Twitter. Within three hours, the silly blog was the top trending news article on several resource sites, including World News, FeedPile, LockerDome, Regator, TechNewsNow, and Inagist. Once again, my fart is circling the globe.

The most active tweets are coming from the HuffPo Twitter feed and included one from the Istanbul Financial News. Here are some of the comments:

“Best headline ever!”

“What have I done with my life?”

“Best click bait this week.”

The blog became one of the most popular on BlogHer, and I received numerous shares through my various social media sites. I’ve decided to stop trying to write thought-provoking pieces that will enrich and enlighten humanity. From now on, there will be farts involved.

Here are some prospective titles:

“How a Fart Helped my Mood Swings”

“Fart Your Way to the Top”

“Is Farting Safe on the First Date?”

“Pairing Farts with Wine and Cheese”

For those of you who want to increase readership and attract global distribution for your blogs, try writing a few titles using the other “F” word. Then maybe you, too, can become the butt of jokes from a worldwide audience. The biggest negative from my new-found fame: no one wants to sit beside me at dinner parties.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elaine-ambrose/how-a-fart-paid-my-bills_b_6986788.html

 

Midlife Cabernet: If the World is Ending, Say GoodNight Moon and Eat a Pie

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Every morning brings us one day closer to Armageddon according to news junkies who scan pessimistic blogs, newspapers, and online outlets before sinking into a deep depression, giving away their prized collectibles, refusing to floss anymore, and canceling summer vacations. Many are convinced that our civilization is on life-support and doomed to die. If that’s the case, grab some gooey pie and an exquisite Cabernet. Now! Before it’s too late.

The world could end because (a) some evil spawn of the devil finds a few nuclear weapons and wants to see lots of pretty mushroom clouds, (b) gigantic radioactive meteors will be sent by vampires-zombies-politicians as distractions because they have already destroyed the planet, or (c) clones of the little old lady in Goodnight Moon have infiltrated the human gene pool and rather than procreate people just want to rock in a great green room with a red balloon.

It would be convenient to have a 48-hour notice to give us time to plan final activities. We’ll be under pressure to choose the appropriate actions but the priorities could be:

1. Hug and kiss the kids and grandkids and thank them for being so awesome. Apologize for the lack of inheritance but remind them there is no time to spend it anyway.

2. Kiss your parents goodbye, knowing that you’ll be vaporized instantly in a puff of smoke but if they survived the Great Depression they will survive any doomsday scenario.

3. Call a few friends and say thanks for the memories and don’t worry about returning the outfits, money, or ex-boyfriends they borrowed.

4. Call that wicked former co-worker who cheated her way to the top and say “How’s that fancy job title working out for you now, Sweetheart?” Then laugh like a maniac.

5. Deplete your bank accounts and buy a Merry-Go-Round. Just because that would be fun to have.

6. Eat a whole pie. Either warm pecan with real whip cream or fresh peach with ice cream. Wash it down with a Silver Oak Cabernet.

7. Allow your library books to expire.

8. Schedule some raucous passionate activity to occur just as the countdown clock strikes zero. Personally, I’d love to go out with a bang.

If by some miracle the world doesn’t explode, decide which final activities you liked and continue to do them. Sell or donate the Merry-Go-Round, continue the spontaneous passion, return the library books, and most important, read and watch fewer news reports. Then eat pie and drink wine. Lots of pie and wine.

Today is the final day of the 31-day challenge to write a blog every day for BlogHer.com.Using the theme of “pressure” I’ve submitted articles about midlife and the vast array of stories inspired by being this old and feisty. The daily exercise kept my brain from turning into a bowl of mush beneath a picture of bears on chairs, and I’m grateful for the forum. Now, I’ll celebrate with a glass of fine wine. And a piece of pie.