Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#cabernet

If We Could Turn Back Time, We Wouldn’t

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I read an online article that declared women over 45 shouldn’t wear bling jewelry or jeans with decorated pockets. I read these silly rules while wearing my brilliant, dangling earrings with my favorite fancy jeans. I can only conclude that middle-aged women have earned the right to wear whatever they choose, and advice columnists under 45 should remember that.

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After several decades of being told what to do, what to wear, what not to eat, and how to behave, I join a growing group of proud and loud women over 50 who gleefully proclaim: I can do what I want to do. (We can’t scream our independence because that would be perceived as being bitchy and obnoxious.) We acknowledge that lolling around in jammies isn’t appropriate all the time, but there are glorious days when we pull on the sweat pants and mismatched sweaters, curl up with good books, and revel in our ability to say “Bite me” to every young, skinny critic wobbling past on five-inch heels and toting exaggerated self-importance.

If a mysterious tornado suddenly swooped us to an alien land and some powerful wizard offered us the power to turn back time, we’d probably decline. Given the choice of being 30 and reliving the demands of young children, new careers, weak relationships, and financial problems, we’d take the chance to be our age and continue living in our sweats and enjoying a glass of good Cabernet. Really.

I do miss the energy of my youth, and there are countless times I wish I could rock my sweet babies one more time. But, now I get to spoil my grandkids. And, they love my bling.

 

Midlife Cabernet – A Vintage, Full-bodied Blog

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The power of a child! My sweet granddaughter, Mirabel Ruby, celebrated her second birthday yesterday with a festive party as four generations enjoyed brunch and mimosas prepared by her parents, singing by her cousins, and a musical program from her grandparents.

The amazing reality of this event was that 15 adults of totally diverse backgrounds and beliefs came together to celebrate this wonderful little girl. We had liberals, conservatives, agnostics, new-agers, a vegetarian, and a widow who still thinks Eisenhower is president. At least three guests own a concealed weapon permit and several others wouldn’t have a gun in the house. We represent a sample of America, and we’ll probably cancel out each other’s votes during the next presidential election.

But, we came together to sing, laugh, and celebrate the extraordinary life of a two-year-old who just last week learned to crawl. Mirabel was born with ten fingers, ten toes, and Down syndrome. And, she has the power to unite all of us. Cheers and thank you, Sweet Mirabel!

At home, to continue the celebration, I opened a 2009 Terra-Barossa Shiraz from Australia. I was hesitant to purchase the wine, mainly because I’m a Cabernet fan and the bottle had a screw top, but it was highly recommended by the Co-op in Boise. I was surprised and pleased at the rich flavor, and it tasted of spicy plums and creamy oak. This wine is good enough to go without the lovely sound of a popping cork. It’s about $20 at the Boise Co-op.

Midlife Cabernet – Sucked into the Sewer of Political Pomposity

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One of the many advantages of living in the last third of life is that I don’t accept crap from anyone. I wasted valuable time during my thirties and forties posing as a pleaser, forever scampering around to ensure that everyone was happy while concurrently fighting manic hormones that were yelling at me to break something. Now, like a fine wine aged to perfection, I just don’t give a rip.

Facebook periodically presents a trap that I fall into if I’m not vigilant about keeping my comments sassy and humorous. Earlier this week, an associate who just happens to be a politician made a comment on Facebook. I added a factual statement that provided an alternative opinion. Holy Hot Flash! Suddenly, strangers wrote comments suggesting that I was stupid and wrong. One challenged me by name to check my facts. Another threw in an entire paragraph of questions and demanded that I answer them. These hostile comments received “like” comments from other strangers who don’t know me.

Of course, feeling threatened, defensive, and unjustly attacked, I wrote and posted an excellent rebuttal that factually substantiated my original post. Then I waited. No one “liked” my rebuttal. Obviously, nobody wanted an intelligent debate. Sigh. So, I decided, once again, that it is impossible for some groups to engage in civil discourse and show tolerance for diversity of opinion. I removed all my posts to this person, un-friended the one person I knew who “liked” the attacks on me, and placed a hammer on my desk. I taped a note on the hammer that reads: “Use this to hit head instead of making another political comment on Facebook.”

Now that I’m liberated from being sucked into the verbal sewage of political pomposity, I am free to open a bottle of 2008 Alexander Valley Cabernet Sauvignon. This delightful wine combines a tasty blend of Cabernet, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Malbec, and Petit Verdot, and is available at Seasons Wine Bar in Eagle for around $40. It’s my fabulous, mature choice to sip good wine instead of argue with strangers.

Midlife Cabernet: It was a Dark and Stormy Night for a Writer

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I recently participated in a local holiday bazaar and displayed my award-winning books and sassy new calendars and offered a free bottle of wine with every $75 order. I even threw in free sweatbands. The kick-in-the-gut reality set in six hours later when I packed up my display and realized I didn’t make enough money to pay for the entry fee. I should have stayed home and played with Studley.

Many people think that writing a book will bring fame and fortune. In reality it brings that sad moment when your cart breaks and your books fall onto the pavement in the night rain. Added to the frustration is the cruel fact that the few people who straggle into a bazaar located in a hidden gym have no intention of buying a book. Not when there are necklaces made from melted spoons and scented wax that smells like Christmas trees.

The lonely event was organized to promote and celebrate local businesswomen. I brought eight titles that included a national bestseller, three national award winners, and one book that had been adopted by the Idaho Department of Education for the statewide curriculum. I didn’t sell a single book. My heart was as heavy as the boxes I lugged back to my car.

I felt extra guilty because I had encouraged my friend and author AK Turner to join me in the bazaar. We set up our tables, arranged our books, and had our Internet payment connection all ready to go. After a few hours, we realized that our return on investment was negative and our analytical husbands had been correct. Sometimes the truth really sucks.

Of course we made the best of a bad situation. We had a bottle of wine tucked inside my briefcase and sipped out of paper cups. As the evening dragged, another bottle was opened and we drowned our collective sorrow by sharing the fruit of the vine. After awhile we didn’t give a damn if anyone even looked at our books. They didn’t even deserve to look at them!

Writers have this naive optimism that the world will clamor to read their every word when in reality people would rather have some smelly candle or a lopsided pottery vase. Why buy a book written by local authors when you can wear a rhinestone bracelet made in China? Why care that a local entrepreneur spent months crafting random words into creative and clever sentences when there are burp rags selling for $2.00?

After the bazaar, it took several trips back and forth to my car to pack the table, chair, boxes of books, calendars, a case of wine, and supplies. On the last trip, my tote broke and books scattered onto the wet pavement. I fought back tears as I picked up each book, dried it on my sweater, and tossed it into the car. It was as if I were picking up pieces of my heart that nobody wanted. (Seriously, I was really milking the drama of the moment.)

I’m not bitter about the lack of sales. I congratulate the businesswomen who sold spaces for the bazaar. She made a profit. I did not. Therefore, I won’t do it again. Experience is an excellent teacher, and I’m now working on a generic book about a vampire wizard who comes in fifty shades of grey with magical powers that include funky jewelry, an incense burner, and a garden chime. That should be a bestseller.

Today’s blog is fueled by a 2011 Luna Cabernet Sauvignon from California. It’s the perfect anecdote to a demoralized mood and can be found at Crush Wine Bar in Eagle for only $22. Toss in a snickers cupcake and the world is happy once more.