Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#empty nest

Does the Parade End at the Empy Nest?

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When my kids were three and five we took them to Disneyland because we wanted to spend our life’s savings to stand in line with a million sweaty people and wait an hour for a 30-second ride. Disneyland was celebrating Donald Duck’s 50th Birthday, and the speech-impaired duck was my three-year-old son’s favorite funny character (besides me, of course.) Wishing for a cattle prod, we maneuvered our way to the front of the crowd for the afternoon Magic Kingdom Parade and waited eagerly to be enchanted. On days when I border on madness (too numerous to count), I can still hear the cacophony of the calliope as the giant duck sings, “It’s Donald’s Birthday, it’s Donald’s Birthday!”

After the parade ended, my usually-ebullient son began sobbing uncontrollably. I asked what was wrong and he answered, “Because it’s over.” At that moment I would have given everything I owned to make the parade start again, but I knew that was impossible, (I didn’t own that much) so I sat on the curb and held him until he stopped crying. What else do you do when the magic goes away?

Most of us have seen several decades of parades, and sometimes we feel deflated when the commotion stops. We recently ended the season of high school and college graduations and all the summer weddings. Each celebration deserves elaborate fanfare, but we know from experience that the festivities come to an end. That’s when new graduates realize they must (pick at least one):

Get a job
Marry rich
Move out of their parent’s basement
Invent a better Facebook-Video-Game that includes donuts

And the newlyweds realize their spouse (pick at least one):
Farts on the hour and belches sulfur
Cries about road kill
Faints at your kid’s projectile vomiting
Gets diarrhea at dinner parties

Then your new spouse gets dramatically alarmed when you sleep with a:
Humming teddy bear
Dog
Nasty magazine
Picture of mother

Yes, that’s when the parade is over and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. We just need to sit on the curb in our own Magic Kingdom and hold ourselves until we stop crying.

It’s time to lead your own parade!

Many middle-aged women experience Empty Nest Syndrome after the youngest child leaves home for college, jail, the circus, or to find him/herself. After at least 18 years of majestically sacrificing our lives for our delightful offspring, they gleefully run out of the door and into the dangerous world without a helmet or a clean change of underwear. Our tears stop when they turn around to come back, but it’s only to ask for gas money. We slink back to our reruns of the Carol Burnett Show and pathetically relate to the cleaning lady at the end who sweeps up the mess and turns off the lights.

Good News! Now is your opportunity to turn that empty bedroom into a retreat for:

Sewing, craft, and writing projects
A private wine bar
Afternoon sex
Séances with Madam Moonbeam (great write-off)
All of the above

Do it now so the kids can’t move back and bring their pet spider collection, garage band, and/or face-eating zombie. Also, you could use your extra time to take a class, try yoga, volunteer, or start a creative project. You may want to focus on your physical and mental health; maybe talk to a professional about that stupid duck song that keeps squawking in your head. Or (my favorite suggestion) become the drum major of your own parade, just don’t forget to tip the guy who cleans up after the horses. And, of course, any midlife parade is best enjoyed with a bold and liberated red wine.

Change Your Boring Empty Nest into a Creative Writing Studio

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elaine 2013 (117)

Instead of moaning and groaning about empty nests, expanding waistlines, and lost libidos, women over age fifty should write something. Now is the time to release the passionate muse that has languished for years beneath responsibilities for raising children, establishing careers, maintaining homes, retaining happy marriages, and campaigning for political causes and charities. Middle-aged women have stories to tell, so they should convert the empty nest into a writing den, substitute the chocolate with a salad (just kidding), and receive self-confidence from writing so they feel sexy enough to find that lost libido. This is a win-win situation.

Here are some suggestions to inspire the writing process.

1. Write what you know. I couldn’t write well about a vegetarian, Socialist, nuclear physicist who sleeps with his/her dog and listens to rap music. Can’t do it. But, I thoroughly enjoyed writing Menopause Sucks because I’ve been there and it does! And, I laughed every time I wrote a sentence such as, “Let me tell you why you sneeze, fart, and wet your pants at the same time.” And, my fingers literally flew over the keyboard as I wrote about hairy toes, night sweats, and recommended sex toys. Yes, write what you know!

 

img_3030

My recent book, Midlife Happy Hour – Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos, explains how to stay relevant after age fifty, and how to balance midlife without falling over. I wrote it from my home office, often in pajamas at 3:00 am. The room originally was a bedroom, but I painted the walls red, added a desk and chair, full bookcases, gratuitous plaques, fun artwork, my typewriter collection, and immense amounts of clutter. There are many advantages to being older, wiser, and within steps of a bathroom and refrigerator.

clean office

 

As always, there is a caveat. If you’re writing historical fiction or a detailed novel, research the facts about a certain era and write a story that fits. You weren’t a member of the Clan of the Cave Bear and you didn’t run away with a peasant boy from the 17th century, but with enough investigation, you can always imagine the scenarios and write a compelling story. Just don’t name an ancient heroine Mandy.

2. Take advantage of, no… exploit, the serendipity of your life. Develop fascinating characters modeled after your belching piano teacher, or your uncle who refuses to discuss his war wounds but smashes beer cans against his forehead, or the passenger in the airplane seat next to you who laughs in her sleep, or your child who cries when the Disneyland Nightlight Parade stops. You are surrounded by juicy writing prompts. Keep a notebook handy to write quotes and facts to use later. Start with a private journal and progress to a public blog. That byline could become a lifeline to revitalizing stagnant energy.

3. Read your work out loud. You will discover sentences, paragraphs, and complete pages that no one will understand or ever read again. You’ll find that preposition lounging at the end of a sentence that screams: I’M A HORRIBLE WRITER! READ NO FURTHER! Also, make note to delete exclamation points and unnecessary capital letters.

4. Believe that all the words tumbling around in your brain MUST get out or you will explode! Yes, you hear voices, but it’s your characters demanding that you set them free. If you’re fiddling with non-fiction, then quick, spew forth those creative ideas on napkins, notebooks, old envelopes, typewriters (I still have some), and even a computer. Write. Write. Write. You’ve read plenty of crap that others have written, which is proof that your work will be OK. One more tip: limit your time online. The Internet will suck out your will to live, let alone write anything.

turn off internet and write

5. Continue to read and learn. Emulate your favorite authors. Janet Evanovich makes me howl with laughter and want to read more. On the other hand, E.L. James causes me to wish I were a vegetarian, Socialist, nuclear physicist who sleeps with my dog and listens to rap music. Her bestselling novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, is a hotbed of horrible writing featuring such provocative lines as, “Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.” If I have anything pooling in my groin, I better run to the bathroom. Personally, I prefer two shades of grey during my romps in the hay: lights dim and lights off.

Writers should be honest enough to admit they need editors, smart enough to know their cousin shouldn’t design the book cover, and strong enough to read rejection letters and negative reviews without getting depressed. They can continue to hone their craft by attending writing workshops, joining literary groups, registering, for writing retreats, mingling with other authors, and finding a space to write. And, they should say out loud every day, “I am a writer.” Then they must go write.

 

Midlife Creates the Right Time to Write

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Instead of moaning and groaning about empty nests, expanding waistlines, and lost libidos, midlife women should write something. Now is the time to release the passionate muse that has languished for years beneath responsibilities for raising children, establishing careers, maintaining homes, retaining happy marriages, and campaigning for political causes and charities. Middle-aged women have stories to tell, so they should convert the empty nest into a writing den, substitute the chocolate with a salad, and receive self-confidence from writing so they feel sexy enough to find that lost libido. This is a win-win situation.

typewriters

Here are some suggestions to inspire the writing process.

1. Write what you know. I couldn’t write well about a vegetarian, Socialist, nuclear physicist who sleeps with his/her dog and listens to rap music. Can’t do it. But, I thoroughly enjoyed writing Menopause Sucks because I’ve been there and it does! And, I laughed every time I wrote a sentence such as, “Let me tell you why you sneeze, fart, and wet your pants at the same time.” And, my fingers literally flew over the keyboard as I wrote about hairy toes, night sweats, and recommended sex toys. Yes, write what you know!

As always, there is a caveat. If you’re writing historical fiction or a detailed novel, research the facts about a certain era and write a story that fits. You weren’t a member of the Clan of the Cave Bear and you didn’t run away with a peasant boy from the 17th century, but with enough investigation, you can always imagine the scenarios and write a compelling story. Just don’t name an ancient heroine Mandy.

2. Take advantage of, no… exploit, the serendipity of your life. Develop fascinating characters modeled after your belching piano teacher, or your uncle who refuses to discuss his war wounds but smashes beer cans against his forehead, or the passenger in the airplane seat next to you who laughs in her sleep, or your child who cries when the Disneyland Nightlight Parade stops. You are surrounded by juicy writing prompts. Keep a notebook handy to write quotes and facts to use later. Start with a private journal and progress to a public blog. That byline could become a lifeline to revitalizing stagnant energy.

3. Read your work out loud. You will discover sentences, paragraphs, and complete pages that no one will understand or ever read again. You’ll find that preposition lounging at the end of a sentence that screams: I’M A HORRIBLE WRITER! READ NO FURTHER! Also, make note to delete exclamation points and unnecessary capital letters.

4. Believe that all the words tumbling around in your brain MUST get out or you will explode! Yes, you hear voices, but it’s your characters demanding that you set them free. If you’re fiddling with non-fiction, then quick, spew forth those creative ideas on napkins, notebooks, old envelopes, typewriters (I still have some), and even a computer. Write. Write. Write. You’ve read plenty of crap that others have written, which is proof that your work will be OK.

5. Continue to read and learn. Emulate your favorite authors. Janet Evanovich makes me howl with laughter and want to read more. On the other hand, E.L. James causes me to wish I were a vegetarian, Socialist, nuclear physicist who sleeps with my dog and listens to rap music. Her bestselling novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, is a hotbed of horrible writing featuring such provocative lines as, “Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.” If I have anything pooling in my groin, I better run to the bathroom. Personally, I prefer two shades of grey during my romps in the hay: lights dim and lights off.

Writers should be honest enough to admit they need editors, smart enough to know their cousin shouldn’t design the book cover, and strong enough to read rejection letters and negative reviews without getting depressed. They can continue to hone their craft by attending writing workshops, joining literary groups, registering for writing retreats, mingling with other authors, and finding a space to write. And, they should say out loud every day, “I am a writer.” Then they must go write.

 

(Featured on The Huffington Post 50 page.)

A Message to My Son as He Prepares for College

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elaine adam CHS

 

Dear Son,

What do you mean you mailed a college application? Get back down on the floor and play with some Legos. Do you want me to make you a sandwich? Or, you can invite your friends over and we’ll order pizzas. You can stay up all night, if you want. I’ll just go cry in my room, but don’t let that bother you.

Yes, I know I can be obnoxious about mothering you, but don’t leave yet. I’m not done. We need to work on laundry and managing money. And we should have the talk — you know, the discussion about sex, drugs, alcohol, and how the world is full of mean people who could hurt you. Oh, you say you can handle everything? Then tell me, son, how do I handle this anxiety? How do I stop this gut-churning ache when I realize my only son, my last child, is walking out the door and will return as a visitor? Give me some laughs for that fact, will you?

Okay, I’m sorry for that lapse in composure. I’m really happy for you. Really. I want you to march into college and own the place. Let them know you have arrived and you’re ready to pursue enlightenment and knowledge so you can get a great job and support me in my old age. Oops. There I go again. It’s not about me, is it? This is about you. I must focus.

Because I’m a single parent and the two of us have shared this house for several years, I want to give you my best parenting advice before you drive off to the university. So, here goes:

1. Size matters. You already know this. Weighing in at 11 pounds, you were one of the biggest babies every born at the Gooding County Hospital. You were always the tallest, which made it easy to find you in a crowd of other children. You were sad at age 4 when He-Man underwear didn’t come in your size, and the teachers had to order an adult-sized desk for you in 5th grade. You were 6’6″ in high school, and you carried the load for others, as you continue to do today. Sometimes you didn’t like being so big, but many people, including me, see you now as a tall, strong, funny, handsome, and responsible hero. That’s a good thing.

2. Keep your sense of humor. No one can make me laugh like you do. Your personality is beyond gregarious and that’s why others enjoy being around you. I’ve seen you cheer up a dejected classmate, counsel a young child, coach and encourage a YMCA team, and cause your grandmother to grin. (Dementia made her grin all the time, but you brought a special twinkle to her eyes.)

3. Stay compassionate. As a two-year-old, you took care of other children at the child-care center. That special trait continued into your teenage years. Several others took advantage of you, and I know you used your wages to pay for a lot of meals, trips, and activities that other kids couldn’t afford. Keep that empathetic characteristic, but watch out for charlatans who will exploit your generosity. Learn from me.

4. Treat women as wonderful, complicated creatures who can make your life a living hell or a heavenly sanctuary. You will live in a fraternity and there will be raucous parties with coeds. Have fun, but keep your head clear and your pants zipped. Other college men won’t heed that advice, and their new nickname will be “father” or “college drop-out.” The woman you choose to marry will be lucky, indeed. Remember to compliment her, support her dreams, and be delighted in your partnership with her as you build dreams together. Plan great adventures and expect a successful marriage. And, if she ever asks, “How do I look?” always respond, “Wow! You look amazing?” Trust me.

5. Remember your roots. You were born into a family with a strong work ethic, a love of adventure, and an unwavering love for their children. I’m sorry your father and I lost the marriage, but we continued to make your sister and you our top priority. Take this experience to do better than we did.

6. Get ready to fly. The next five years will be the most important years of your life. You will go to college, get a job, perhaps get married, and maybe you’ll have children. Life will never be the same again. Take this time to savor every drop of life you can. Meet new people, visit new destinations, make some mistakes, and recover with gusto. But, please, know that if you move far away I know how to make airplane reservations. I’d like a guest room with teal-colored paint on the walls, a coffee maker, and a wine bar.

I think that’s the essential tidbits for now. You’ve got a job so you know about money. As for laundry, just wear all dark clothes so you don’t need to separate the loads. But, always wash your towels at least weekly. I might need to throw a few wet towels on the floor after you’re gone just for the memories.

Go to college, son, and remember that life can’t be one big party unless someone pays the bills and provides the clean-up committee. Be the one in charge of your own celebration of young adulthood. I’ll miss you every day, but soon I can visit you on campus. I’ll bring your favorite cookies! And a pizza. It will be just like old times.

Most of all, I will miss your laugh, so please record it for me. Remember, your first laugh was with me when you were four months old. It could have been caused by gas bubbles, but oh my, how you could laugh! Please don’t ever stop.
Love,
Mama (all alone in a big, quiet, empty house)

 

 

(Featured on The Huffington Post Fifty, August 29, 2015)

(I wrote this letter several years ago, and now the college student is a successful man with a family, a career, and a mortgage.)

 

How to Plan the Perfect Patio for Your Empty Nest

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patio (1)When my kids were little, the back yard contained a haphazard collection of toys, bikes, balls, swings, sand boxes, stray shoes, discarded bandages, frog collections, and roaming neighbor kids. After the children grew up and acquired their own child-friendly yards, I moved into a smaller house and designed a grown-up patio, complete with an unsafe water feature, a dangerous fire pit, and an outdoor refrigerator stocked with wine and beer. There are advantages to getting older.

This patio also has a hot tub, and Studley and I don’t need to be burdened with the necessity to wear swim suits. We can soak while sipping cocktails and not fret that a child might see such a haunting vision and possibly be scarred for life. There is a light-covered grape arbor leading to a rusty bench, a granite-topped bar, a working replica of Manneken Pis, and an open fish pond. Obviously, this patio is for adults only, thank you.

We enjoy the patio almost every evening. Given the choice to go out to dinner or a party, we’d rather sit outside with a cheese plate and an adult beverage. That’s a luxury we didn’t have when our children lived at home, we worked full-time jobs, and we learned at bedtime that it was our turn to furnish snacks for school the next day. Canned frosting hastily smeared between graham crackers was my go-to treat.

You can create your own midlife patio, too, with a few helpful tips:

1. Collect photographs of patios you like. Attend home and garden exhibits for ideas and local advice. You may have rules through your homeowners association, so check before you build any giant structures.

2. Establish a budget and consider how much you can do yourself. Remember you’re saving money by not paying for school clothes, field trips, prom dresses, and counseling. Allocate those funds to your midlife patio.

3. Consider removing the grass. You probably won’t be camping or swinging in your yard anymore, so create a design that uses less water and labor. There’s no grass in my back yard because the landscape incorporates pavers, boulders, sturdy bushes, and flower pots with automatic drip lines.

4. Invest in quality patio furniture. It’s tempting to buy the cheap plastic chairs from discount stores, but they need to be replaced regularly. If you intend to spend hours on your patio, it’s best to do so on padded, swivel chairs or recliners.

5. Consider a fish pond. We have Koi and goldfish, and they make the perfect pets. No mess to clean up, no kennel needed, and they hibernate all winter. Too bad kids aren’t like that.

I do miss the laughter and commotion of my energetic children. But now my grandkids have their own fun yards to play in, and we visit them often to join in the activities. Then it’s always nice to come home, light the fire pit, and talk in the private retreat of our empty nest. And, there is no need to pick up any toys or dog poop.

Midlife Cabernet: How Did My Children Grow Up So Fast?

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Just when you figure how how to be a good parent, the kids grow up and move away. There is no chance to do it over. You can only hope that they don’t write a tell-all book about their horrid childhood.

Every other vocation requires education, study, and aptitude. With a baby, it’s on the job training with no salary, 24 hours a day, and you’re under pressure to be Parent of the Year. In reality, you look at the tiny bundle and mutter, “What do I do now?”

In past generations, young families were surrounded by grandparents and extended family members who could help. But with a mobile society and jobs in various locations, young couples often don’t live near their parents. Grandma can’t pop over to babysit or demonstrate how to swaddle or provide encouragement for breastfeeding. The best alternative is to find groups of other novice parents and share tips, childcare, and wine, if necessary.

After raising two marvelous children, I can look back and realize what I did right and wrong. The best advice I can give is to pick your battles. Once my three-year-old daughter threw a major tantrum because she wanted to sleep in her party dress while I tried to cajole her into her pajamas. In hindsight, I was the silly one. It would have saved a lot of drama if I had agreed and tucked her in bed, frilly outfit and all.

I’m fortunate to live near my grown children and their families, and I’m in awe of their amazing parenting skills. My daughter’s first daughter is spunky and creative, just like her mother. I predict some interesting times in the near future. My son dotes on his baby girl, and it’s fun to watch them together. I would allow her to sleep in a party dress any time she wants.

It sounds like a cliche, but kids do grow up too fast. Another amazing reality is that now we’re all about the same age. I couldn’t possibly be old enough to have grandchildren.