Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#holidays

Elf on the Shelf is Wicked

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Here’s how to get through the holidays with humor. (Click humor for the TV video. Really.)

This week I was interviewed on “Idaho Living” by the charming Johnna Johnson. We discussed several ways to avoid stress during the holidays. The bullet points are:

1. Ignore Martha Stewart and Pinterest. You don’t need such pressure in your life.

2. Drink egg nog. It’s made of sugar, cream, and raw eggs. What could go wrong?

3. The Elf on the Shelf is wicked. Why traumatize your children and compete with the perfect women who make a major production of posing the silly doll?

4. Try this prescription written thousands of years ago: A merry heart does like a good medicine.

Conclusion: Be happy, laugh a lot, and read and give my humorous books!

Grandmother’s Ornaments are Still Hanging Around

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grandma's ornaments
Made by My Grandmothers

Decking the hall and trimming the tree are annual rituals I prefer to do alone. For almost four decades, I’ve gently unpacked the ornaments and centerpieces while playing my favorite music. Bing makes me happy with “White Christmas,” and the effervescent “Sleigh Ride” guarantees a jolly mood. But by the time Frank sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” I usually grab some of the wrapping tissue and wipe a few tears. I’m just a sentimental sap because “next year all our troubles will be out of sight.”

After all the festivities and hullabaloo are over, packing the decorations is a bittersweet experience best fortified with a glass of Cabernet, a plate of leftover fudge, and one last time with nostalgic Christmas music. I’m okay until Sandi Patti sings “Bethlehem Morning” and then I usually sit helpless on the floor surrounded by stray ornaments, a lost lamb from the Nativity set, and a cracked nutcracker while holding a scratched ball that says “Baby’s First Christmas 1980.”

The melancholy dilemma is brief, and I gulp the wine, gobble the fudge, and change the music to “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves followed by “Beautiful Day” by U2. I’m hollering “It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away” as I throw the last string of lights into the box and tape it for another 11 months. Depression averted for another year.

Part of my Santa collection.

This year I reminisced about my grandmother’s handmade ornaments given to me more than 30 years ago. Both my grandmothers were sturdy, stoic farm women. They used their hands to mold dough, make soap, sew and mend clothes, milk cows, and create Christmas ornaments. My paternal grandmother’s eyesight was failing in her last years, but she managed to thread yard around plastic patterns of Santa and Mrs. Claus. My maternal grandmother’s fingers were bent from years of hard work, but she tatted and crocheted intricate snowflakes and starched them for ornaments, each one different, each one made with love.

My grandmothers died decades ago, and I’ve only recently truly appreciated their gifts to me. They were widows, living on Social Security payments, and their quiet goodness was often overlooked. They didn’t know what to do with their noisy, spirited granddaughter, but they continued to give simple gifts from their hearts. I’m humbled when I reflect on their gentle gestures. This year, I wrapped their ornaments in the good tissue.

Now I’m a grandmother, and I hope I can be a good example to the little giggling girls that have come into my life. I want them to have the essential qualities of generosity, honesty, productivity, and joy. And if the music of their life is making them sad, I hope they get up and change it. Their great-great-grandmothers would approve.

 

 

How Blended Families Can Survive the Holidays (without Calling the Cops)

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crazy santa

The holiday season is only weeks away! If you’re in a blended family, that fact could cause your eyes to twitch and your beleaguered intestines to threaten explosive diarrhea because you barely got over the stress from last year’s drama. But with coordinated logistics and bribes, combined families can learn how to survive without a food fight, bloodletting, or lawsuits. Just keep the wine and the children breathing.

Even with careful preparation, sometimes the best plans get burned along with the roast. It’s tempting to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house and then keep on going just to avoid all the trite platitudes and impossible expectations about the holidays. Forget Rockwell’s famous portrait because most grandmothers don’t wear white aprons after fixing a messy meal, and there’s a good chance that this year they’ll introduce their new boyfriends instead of picture-perfect platters of browned Butterballs. And Martha Stewart is not coming over, so forget the hand-painted placemats and pilgrim-shaped gelatin molds.

Blended families add chaos to the holidays, and designing a stress-free schedule requires maximum organizational skills, saintly tolerance, and nimble flexibility so plan now for the possible scenarios. You could be standing in the buffet line next to your ex-spouse, your stepson may demand to bring his mother and her new boyfriend to your home for brunch, or your son’s stepdaughters might want to stay at their father’s place because you don’t have cable television. You may accidentally call your son’s new girlfriend by his ex-wife’s name as you see someone’s boisterous toddler climbing onto the fireplace mantel.

It’s all fun and games until Grandma throws down her cane and demands to know who all the people are coming and going.

The best situations involve divorced parents who can cooperate and negotiate holiday schedules as they decide custody issues involving their children. We all know mean-spirited, immature parents who refuse to compromise, and that only hurts their children. These parents should receive nothing but coal in their stockings, and they should start saving money for their children’s future therapy sessions.

My husband and I each have two adult children from previous marriages. My daughter married a man who already had a daughter, and then they had two more daughters. My son married a woman with two girls, and they had another baby. My ex-husband lives in the area and is included in family birthdays and other events. Somehow it all works, and no one has threatened anyone with a weapon, so far.

Our family tree could be in danger of falling over because the branches are laden with sporadic offshoots, new in-laws, old stepparents, and assorted children who share multiple homes. But because of extra care, these roots are strong, and our tree can hold the chaotic collection of yours, mine, ours, various ex-spouses, and a few confused grandparents.

During the holiday season, we welcome everyone into the family, and for a splendid moment in time we’re all singing Fa La La before someone falls into the Christmas tree, a kid rips off the head of a cousin’s new Barbie, or the dog barfs in the kitchen.

There are 14 Christmas stockings hanging over the mantel, and we’ll need to build another one if any more members join the family. I’m uncomfortable with the label “step-grandchild” so I’ll just call all of them my grandkids. They don’t mind, and some of those lucky kids have four sets of doting grandparents. Score!

Here are four final suggestions for surviving the holidays with a blended family:

  • Have a sense of humor because it’s better to laugh at the commotion instead of breaking something.
  • Take plenty of photographs to identify everyone because Grandma is still baffled.
  • Assign responsibilities and anticipate problems when Uncle Bud gets drunk, the baby swallows a turkey leg, or Grandpa starts snoring during dinner.
  • Make time to appreciate the creative collection of characters in your unique family, believing that each one adds a definite spice. In the spirit of the holidays, choose to make it work.

Finally, reduce the stressful requirements and use prepared gravy mixes, boxed stuffing, and leftover Halloween napkins. If people object, they can host next year.