Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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#humor

Speaking of Laughter

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“It’s such a busy time of year. I’ve had company for weeks! I finally took my aunt to the airport this morning, but now I’m feeling guilty. Her plane doesn’t leave until next week.”

Rim shot.

I often begin humorous speeches with that joke because it always provokes laughter from the audience. Why? First, people can identify with being busy and dealing with house guests. Second, there is an unexpected twist at the end. You can substitute aunt with mother-in-law, depending upon the strength of your marriage and assuming she’s not in the audience.

No one says, “Oh, you shouldn’t have said that!” The audience knows I’m joking, but they laugh anyway because it’s a funny scenario. After they stop laughing, I immediately add a second image.

“My sweet aunt was sick last year, so I visited her. She was in bed, and as we talked I munched on peanuts in a bowl on her nightstand. I noticed that I had eaten all the peanuts so I offered to buy more. She said, ‘Oh, Elaine, I can’t eat peanuts because they hurt my teeth. I just suck off the chocolate and put them back in the bowl.”

That story also guarantees a laugh. Why? Because the audience can see my aunt sick in bed and feels tender support for my visit. Then the silly image of her sucking off the chocolate hits their funny bone. For added emphasis, I use a southern drawl for my aunt’s voice. It’s all in great fun and causes the group to relax and prepare for my speech. Without a humorous introduction, it would take more time to connect with the listeners.

A well-timed, original joke can be the beginning of a wonderful relationship between a speaker and an audience, and between friends. Caveat: don’t read jokes, and don’t tell them if you’re not comfortable with public speaking. Rehearse the stories out loud so you get the timing and phrasing correct. A well-delivered punch line can be a golden experience as the audience reacts and instantly loves you. Conversely, a dull, lifeless and insecure presentation is painful for everyone. Make sure the joke is not on you.

Next spring I’m packing my finger puppets, best jokes and sensible shoes to travel from Boise, Idaho to Dayton, Ohio and then to Las Vegas, Nevada to speak at two energizing conferences. I’ll incorporate humor throughout my talks, and create stories and anecdotes to enhance the message. Regrettably, now I need to find new opening jokes.

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The prestigious Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop is March 31-April 2 in Dayton, Ohio at the University of Dayton where an astute professor once told his student Erma Bombeck, “You can write!” My presentation titled “Write Funny, NOW!” will include quotes from Bombeck’s material and incorporate writing prompts. I’ll also lead a workshop explaining how to turn a blog into a book. Registration for the bi-annual conference sold out in less than six hours.

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The BAM-Bloggers at Midlife Conference will be April 15-16, 2016 at the Marriott Las Vegas Resort & Spa and is the first blogging conference focusing on midlife women bloggers. The midlife blogging community, facilitated by Midlife Boulevard, asked for a place where they could get together and learn from each other and from experts. I’ll be speaking on a panel with two other humor writers. Registration remains open for this conference.

Back in Boise, I’ll present a humor writing workshop for the Idaho Writers Guild on Saturday, June 11. At all the presentations, I’ll have finger puppets, new jokes and at least one new book. Apparently, people want and need to be happy. I’ll do my part to facilitate a few chuckles and provoke boisterous laughter because there are too many grouchy people getting all the attention.

For public speaking engagements, I include my three top tips for adding humor to your life:

1. Switch off the news. Balance your intake with funny shows, movies, books and silly friends.

2. Avoid crabby people. Hang out with those who like to laugh.

3. Practice laughter. Read daily positive, humorous affirmations and focus on all the good stories.

Laughter is good for the body and soul. And, a sense of humor provides a great way to make and keep friends. As the American Author and Humorist Mark Twain said, “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

Go forth, cause laughter and enjoy the show.

 

Published on The Huffington Post December 28, 2015

Bewildered by Buzzwords

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Every day I receive energetic appeals to register for various podcasts, online workshops, and Internet training courses that will save me from a wretched existence of wasted potential. Each request contains similar buzzwords that promise true enlightenment and warn of catastrophic failure if I don’t join, pay, read, or promote various products and services. But what if I don’t want to lean in or define a new paradigm?

After 30 years of professional work I feel empowered to share my version of a creative course that utilizes overexposed buzzwords to motivate the masses. My strategic carnival show will be titled: “Buzzword Bull – How to Maneuver the Barnyard and Avoid the Manure.” To maximize the return on investment and optimize sustainability, I’ll employ guerilla marketing and stand outside my virtual circus tent to seduce prospective clients with my golden barking oratory.

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up and be the first to see the show! You’ll be amazed by the performance, and if you buy today we’ll give you a free bottle of Big Top Stool Softener.” After I convinced people to participate, I would scatter buzzwords and platitudes like popcorn and peanuts.

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Synergy. This word predicts a perfect environment of collaboration and interaction. I would draw attention to the lady standing on the galloping horse. That shows synergy, and one mistake by horse or rider could result in tragedy. To succeed in business, don’t stand on a galloping horse.

Risk. Notice the daredevil on the high wire. Can you be so bold? What is your safety net? Do you have an insurance policy? Action items don’t count if you’re dead.

Tenacious Teamwork. See those clowns in the burning building? If they don’t work together to escape in the clown car they’ll become crispy critters. Don’t be like that.

Win-Win Situation. This happens when I take your money and you learn or laugh from my show. This won’t happen for you if I take your money and you gain nothing. I still win.

Think Outside the Box. Am I the only one who thinks this is a stupid term? What does that mean? I don’t think INSIDE a box, so it doesn’t apply to me. If it suggests try something new, just say that.

Measurable Parameters. Don’t intimidate me with four-syllable words. The term “profit or loss” is proven and sufficient. It costs you $5 for a bag of popcorn worth only 10 cents. Again, this sale is a win for me.

Monetize your blog. That phrase sounds more professional but it’s the same as using your blog to sell ads or endorse products and services. I can monetize the production and packaging of a perishable product or sell you some popcorn.

Brainstorm and devise a dialog. A brainstorm reminds me of a hangover, and I’d rather just talk. Devise a dialog? That’s silly talk.

Become a Change Agent. What? Isn’t that what a cashier does when I need to break a twenty?

Total Quality Management. Entire corporations continue to embrace this popular concept. But consider the alternative. No one would advocate Mediocre or Partial Quality Management. The TQM system attempts to reduce errors in manufacturing, streamline management, improve customer relations, and train employees. Shouldn’t successful businesses be doing that anyway?

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Buzzwords and motivational quotes have been around for centuries. In 1750, Benjamin Franklin said, “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” That’s good advice that applies today. One of the bestselling business books was written in 1998 by Spencer Johnson, M.D. His book Who Moved My Cheese sold more than 20 million copies and basically advised business people to embrace change because it’s inevitable and you’ll die if you don’t adapt. Not as pithy as Benjamin Franklin, but obviously true.

During my career, I worked for various companies that advocated the buzzword of the day. I was a manager at a Fortune 500 corporation when a bestselling business book asked about the color of your parachute. I will never need a parachute because I don’t intend to jump out of an airplane or off a bridge. Ever. So, I don’t care what color it is. At another job, I rewrote the corporate motto in the Annual Report by removing the phrase “optimize quantitative shareholder value” and substituting the word “profit.” In modern business vernacular, common sense has left the building and retired to a remote island.

Before I allow buzzwords to be the death of me, I must admit that I own several motivational posters and books, and I’ve been a satisfied consumer of podcasts, newsletters, online courses, and Internet workshops. But I don’t need exaggerated hype to attract me. I’m interested in a quality product for a good price.

My next book will be called Who Moved My Cheese Plate? Order today and receive a coupon for a total quality, transformational glass of wine.

 

Published on The Huffington Post January 18, 2016

Toffee and the Seven Deadly Sins

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Brown sugar, pecans, chocolate, and butter are simple ingredients but when combined, heated, and transformed into candy, they have the power to turn me to the dark side. I am helpless to fight the seduction of toffee. I think the delicious treat is the work of the devil exemplified through the Seven Deadly Sins.

  1. Greed. The sweet confection makes me a greedy, cheating hoarder. A neighbor gave me a can of Almond Roca, and I immediately hid it so my husband or children couldn’t enjoy a single piece. I don’t care. It’s all mine, mine, mine.
  1. Gluttony. Toffee leads me into temptation. I cannot have one piece. I will stand until my feet spread and consume an entire batch and not stop to breathe until I have licked every morsel from the platter. I’m not proud of this fact.
  1. Lust. I’m addicted to exquisitely-crafted homemade toffee. However, on days of desperation, I’ll settle for a mediocre sample from a truck stop, the kind that is too brittle or stale. I crave the taste, and I want more. Now.
  1. Envy. I can’t pass a candy store without gazing in the window and slobbering over festive trays of caramels covered with chocolate and nuts. I’m jealous of people buying and tasting toffee that should belong to me.
  1. Anger. I’m equally mad about two issues: when the toffee is gone and when I step on the scale and see that eating all that gooey goodness makes me weigh the same as a compact car. I’m far over the weight I was decades ago at nine-months pregnant when I wailed about my rotund girth before giving birth.
  1. Pride. I’ll labor for hours to create the perfect recipe for almond toffee. Then I’ll post photos on every social media platform to let the world know that I did it and I’m going to eat it. Ha!
  1. Sloth. After waddling through decades of tasting toffee, it’s apparent that I’m as lethargic as a bowl of thick butter on a humid afternoon. Especially during the holidays, toffee saps my energy, and all I want to do is sit in a dark room and chew. Sometimes I pull empty Almond Roca foil wrappers out of the waste basket just to smell them. I’ve taken pathetic to a new level, and I need counseling.

To atone for my many sins, I’ve decided to share and give back to society. In the spirit of generosity, here is my recipe for English Toffee:

toffee

Ingredients:

1 Cup butter

1-1/4 Cups sugar, brown or white

2 Tablespoons water

½ Cup chopped pecans

1 Cup milk chocolate chips

Butter a 10X15 inch pan.

Melt butter in heavy skillet over medium heat and stir with a wooden spoon. Stir in sugar and water. Bring to a boil and add the pecans. Cook, stirring constantly until nuts are toasted and the sugar is dissolved. Pour in the buttered pan. Be sure to lick the spoon. Spread chocolate chips on top. Cool. Break into pieces. Eat half and share the rest.

My New Year’s resolution – again – is to lose weight and be healthier. I will consume fresh vegetables and fruit, exercise, and prepare nutritious meals. Maybe I’ll create a new recipe for zucchini and kale toffee. With enough butter, sugar and nuts, it could be delicious.

 

 

Adult Coloring Books have Issues, Too

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I don't have time for this shit.
I don’t have time for this shit.

A recent article in the online Atlantic Monthly noted that stressed people are using coloring books to relieve existential angst. Apparently, to supply the global demand, upscale retailers such as Yves Saint Laurent and Hermès offer adult coloring books for $160. For about the same cost, I’d rather doodle on a napkin in a wine bar and enjoy a bottle of Quintessa Red Wine from Rutherford in Napa Valley.

“Just because everyone is doing it doesn’t mean you need to do it,” I’m reminded of my mother’s admonishments during my formative years. “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you follow them?”

Mom wasn’t too original in her advice strategy.

But, I can’t endorse the new addiction for adult coloring. Even as a wee child I didn’t enjoy coloring because I couldn’t stay within the lines. Never have, never will. Who can sit still when there are butterflies to chase, frogs to catch, and pebbles to toss into the pond?

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In the spirit of positive adventure, I tried the free online samples. The outcome was disastrous. I only can conclude that I don’t have time for this shit.

If other adults want to seek catharsis by way of colored pencils, that’s fine with me. I agree with professionals who claim that art can be therapeutic. However, I’m reminded of several artists through history who were not at peace with the universe or themselves.

Vincent Van Gogh was reported to be insane and depressed between manic bursts of creative energy. Pablo Picasso had issues as did Fransisco Goya and Salvador Dali. Famed artist Georgia O’Keeffe suffered an intense nervous breakdown and needed to stop painting for several years. And, who can forget Edvard Munch? It’s been speculated that his famous painting of The Scream was a portal into his own anxiety, hallucinations, and subsequent psychotic breakdown.

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I acknowledge that millions of adults are coloring and creating works of art in an attempt to soothe their troubled waters and find inner tranquility. That’s fine with me. Just leave me alone to self-medicate with a bold Cabernet. I promise I won’t cut off my ear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elf on the Shelf is Wicked

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Here’s how to get through the holidays with humor. (Click humor for the TV video. Really.)

This week I was interviewed on “Idaho Living” by the charming Johnna Johnson. We discussed several ways to avoid stress during the holidays. The bullet points are:

1. Ignore Martha Stewart and Pinterest. You don’t need such pressure in your life.

2. Drink egg nog. It’s made of sugar, cream, and raw eggs. What could go wrong?

3. The Elf on the Shelf is wicked. Why traumatize your children and compete with the perfect women who make a major production of posing the silly doll?

4. Try this prescription written thousands of years ago: A merry heart does like a good medicine.

Conclusion: Be happy, laugh a lot, and read and give my humorous books!