Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Anti-Aging with Puppets and Punchlines

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With the topic, “A Lesson in Humor Writing from an Old Fart,” I exploit my age as proof I’m not done yet – and neither is my audience.

Introducing my new Speaker Page.

My public speaking career spans 40 years, and I’ve been telling some of the same jokes since 1980. On a positive note, many people in the audience can’t remember my original jokes, or they don’t care if I’ve told them several times. They only want to laugh again because the world is far too crabby.

During a lull in a busy schedule of events, I’m organizing some speaking engagements for next year. My talented web designer, Rena McDaniel, of The Blogging 911, has redesigned my Speaker Page, and I’m delighted with the results. Interested event planners can view the page and find audio/visual clips, testimonials, and photos from past speeches. I’m ready for more gigs because preparing for a speech keeps the cobwebs out of my brain. Being on stage in front of laughing people is my favorite anti-aging routine.

Because I need to develop new material, I’m sharing my usual opening lines that are guaranteed to provoke laughter from a willing audience. I’ve even seen these anecdotes produce a faint smile from the most negative curmudgeons.

“It’s such a busy time of year. I’ve had company for weeks! I finally took my aunt to the airport this morning, but now I’m feeling guilty. Her plane doesn’t leave until next week.”

Rim shot.

My view of the audience can be fun.

I often begin humorous speeches with that joke because it always provokes laughter from the audience. Why? First, people can identify with being busy and dealing with house guests. Second, there is an unexpected twist at the end. You can substitute aunt with mother-in-law, depending upon the strength of your marriage and assuming she’s not in the audience.

No one says, “Oh, you shouldn’t have said that!” The audience knows I’m joking, but they laugh anyway because it’s a funny scenario. After they stop laughing, I immediately add a second image.

“My sweet aunt was sick last year, so I visited her. She was in bed, and as we talked I munched on peanuts in a bowl on her nightstand. I noticed that I had eaten all the peanuts so I offered to buy more. She said, ‘Oh, Elaine, I can’t eat peanuts because they hurt my teeth. I just suck off the chocolate and put them back in the bowl.”

That story also guarantees a laugh. Why? Because the audience can see my aunt sick in bed and feels tender support for my visit. Then the silly image of her sucking off the chocolate hits their funny bone. For added emphasis, I use a southern drawl for my aunt’s voice. It’s all in great fun and causes the group to relax and prepare for my speech. Without a humorous introduction, it would take more time to connect with the listeners.

A well-timed, original joke can be the beginning of a wonderful relationship between a speaker and an audience, and between friends. Caveat: don’t read jokes, and don’t tell them if you’re not comfortable with public speaking. Rehearse the stories out loud so you get the timing and phrasing correct. A well-delivered punch line can be a golden experience as the audience reacts and instantly loves you. Conversely, a dull, lifeless and insecure presentation is painful for everyone. Make sure the joke is not on you.

I use and distribute finger puppets in some of my keynote speeches.

I’ve enjoyed speaking at several national conferences, including the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, the BAM Bloggers at Midlife Conference, the Type-A Parents Conference, and the Idaho Writers Guild annual writing conference. At all the presentations, I bring my bag of finger puppets and new anecdotes along with books to sell. Apparently, people want and need to be happy. I’ll do my part to facilitate a few chuckles and provoke boisterous laughter because there are too many grouchy people getting all the attention.

For public speaking engagements, I include my three top tips for adding humor to your life:

1. Switch off the news. Balance your intake of madness and mayhem with funny shows, movies, books and silly friends.

2. Avoid crabby people.Unless you’re a paid clinical psychiatrist, don’t try to solve everyone’s problems. Listen, be kind, and go hang out with those who like to laugh.

3. Practice laughter. Read daily positive, humorous affirmations and focus on all the good stories. Print a photograph of you laughing and attach it to a visible place in your home or car. If you don’t have a photo, stage one. You’ll like how you look.

Laughter is good for the body and soul. And, a sense of humor provides a great way to make and keep friends. As the American Author and Humorist Mark Twain said, “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

Go forth, cause laughter, and enjoy the show. You’ll look young and vibrant.

 

Idaho Speakers Bureau Directory

 

How to Turn a Flat Tire into a Fulfilled Speech

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finger puppet 1

Monday evening, I was scheduled to present a motivational speech to an exclusive, private club in Boise. I wiggled into my dress, gathered my notes, and sashayed to my car with 45 minutes to make a 30 minute drive. The tire was flat.

flat tire

I take pride in being independent but there are two chores I refuse to learn: how to change a tire and how to use a chainsaw. There are other people who can do those activities far better than I can. And, everyone knows I would cut off at least one appendage if I ever held anything that involved buzzing sharp edges. I buy Band-Aids in bulk because I’ve been known to slice through skin with a dull butter knife. Chainsaws are for loggers and horror movies.

I glared at the flat tire and calculated my options. My husband was at work 40 minutes away. My adult children were all on vacation. My neighbors were gone, and my town didn’t have a taxi service. I called Uber, but the nearest driver was an hour away. I called the woman who had invited me to speak and left a desperate message of apology on her voice mail. Then I called the private club and left another anxious message. By then, it was time to be at the presentation.

An important rule to know: When all else fails, try Facebook. I went online and issued a global plea for a ride. Instantly, friends responded so I took the closest one. I arrive an hour late to the event, but by then all the guests were on their second glass of wine and feeling quite forgiving and jovial. They laughed with me before my first joke, and that’s when I knew all would be okay.

I always carry finger puppets because I use them in speeches and workshops. It’s great fun to cause stuffy engineers to turn into silly schoolboys singing rounds while using finger puppets. My best gimmick is to use finger puppets to transfer hostile, negative thoughts and invite charming, positive encouragement. These cheap but powerful puppets are available in bulk at party stores, and I advise people to keep a few at their desks or in their car.

So, I stood before the group with Monster Puppet telling me in one ear that I was a loser and no one would ever ask me to speak again. Queen Puppet responded with positive affirmations that shit happens and I glow brighter than the morning sun. The banter continued until Monster Puppet ultimately was vanquished. The speech moved into my prepared remarks and ended with applause. Merriment and more drinks ensued.

I begged a ride home and made plans to contact the tire dealer. As I prepared for bed, Monster Puppet snarled that I should learn how to change a tire. Queen Puppet suddenly appeared with a chainsaw and chopped off his head. Unfortunately, my finger is cut again.

 

Midlife Cabernet – No, You Can’t Live Rent-Free in my Head Anymore

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I’m often asked to give keynote speeches to various groups because I have a gift for bullshit and I can use finger puppets to make even the crabbiest person laugh for a few minutes. Every public speaker has inevitable worries: Will they laugh at my jokes? Do they understand three-syllable words? Am I going to have explosive diarrhea?

My biggest fear is not knowing who will be in the audience. Will it be that pesky groupie who always asks me how to get published – right now! Will it be Cousin Timothy who will tell me I’m going to hell if I don’t change my ways? Or will it be THAT PERSON – the one who stabbed me in the back, kicked me in the gut, and pushed me off the corporate ladder more than twenty years ago. Yeah, I’m still hurt. And bitter. And wimpy enough to admit it.

This week I was the keynote speaker at a prestigious event in Twin Falls. I got to the podium, looked out, and saw THAT PERSON. Normally, I would avoid looking in that area and increase the intensity of my presentation. This time, however, something changed and I no longer felt the need to fantasize that a giant, flying, prehistoric pterosaur would suddenly swoop into the room, snatch THAT PERSON, and fly away to feed hungry babies. No, it’s been two decades, and I’m finally over it. I made eye contact, smiled, and gave a stellar performance.

Call if maturity or common sense, but I know it’s useless to carry a grudge. Especially for twenty years. Letting go is liberating because why should I allow someone else to live rent-free in my head? Certain images of revenge against THAT PERSON do make for delicious short stories, which I have written and published, but the pain isn’t as raw anymore because the wound is healed. I now can move on to satirize other irritating people. Besides, my life is abundant and THAT PERSON looks sad and worn. Sweet.

Today’s blog is fueled by a 2008 Zenato Ripassa Valpolicella from Italy. It’s about $30 a bottle and the bold, rich flavor will make you forget your enemies, love the entire world, and ask for another.