Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Advice to Young Women: RUN

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running woman dreams

A young reporter requested an interview about what advice I would give to younger women. I assumed my wisdom was needed because I’m older and still dress myself and use the toilet unassisted. Picking my brain through the cobwebs required the gumption of a valiant explorer, so I agreed to the conversation and scheduled a meeting at my favorite coffee shop.

In the olden days of my early journalism career, I conducted interviews using a legal pad and pen. I always carried a dozen extra pens because they would consistently run out of ink the moment my subject started to cry about the pending book or government plot or non-fat recipe that would change the world. After the in-depth investigative reporting, I would hurry back to my jobs at the TV station or magazine office to type the story on a manual typewriter. I am a dinosaur.

The interviewer appeared to be only 12-years-old and cheerfully ordered a grande, iced, sugar-free, non-fat, vanilla macchiato with soy milk. My hazelnut latte suddenly seemed boring and old-fashioned. She opened her laptop and said, “Let’s begin.” I sipped my coffee with feigned sophistication.

“What is the most important bit of advice you would give to a young woman today?” Her fingers arched, ready to pounce on the keyboard.

“Run,” I answered.

She stopped mid-peck, slightly irritated, and looked at me. “Could you elaborate?”

A certain smugness bounced through my aging brain. I had all day. She was on deadline.

I settled into my chair and assumed the mindset of a revered guru leading the fresh fledglings to the mountaintop. I imagined being the blind master giving instructions to David Carradine in the 1970s show “Kung Fu.”

“Ah, watch and learn, Grasshopper.”

Again her finger stopped and I received the look of confused pity. I decided to elaborate in a more conventional way. Here is the summary of my remarks.

Young women need to run. They should rush to take advantage of every opportunity, and if they can’t find what they want, they should create their own. Youth provides energy and risk-taking ability that diminish through the decades.

Young women should run away from negative influences. They can’t allow their amateur exuberance and desire to please everyone to cloud their common sense. There are awful people in the world who want to hurt them, steal their resources, and leave them wounded. It took me too long to discover that fact.

Young women should run together. Other female friends can share the load, join in life’s celebrations, and bring dessert after a calamity. Some young women will be fortunate to have comrades that last for several decades. I have a core group of college friends, and we have shared the important events of our lives: weddings, births of our children, births of our grandchildren, and the deaths of our parents. We’ll probably end up playing poker together at some senior citizen center.

running old woman

Young women should run alone. I can’t run anymore due to a knee injury and because I don’t want to run. But, in a symbolic way, running alone means a woman can survive using her own talents, resources, and determination. When times get tough, and they will, she must pick up a sword and slay the dragons on her own.

I finished my dissertation and coffee at the same time. The interviewer raced to add the last sentence and save her article. Suddenly she gasped with alarm. Her computer froze, and her work was lost. I handed her some paper and a pen.

“Shall we order more coffee?” I asked.

 

Featured on Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop  blog Jan. 31, 2016 and on The Huffington Post.

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Ten Tips for Fearless Graduates

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(Published on The Huffington Post on May 28)

Graduates tossing caps into the air

For some reason, probably budget problems or because someone forgot to get a speaker, I’ve been the commencement speaker for the University of Idaho, the College of Southern Idaho and several high schools. Before each speech, I create inspirational, 20-minute messages to convince clueless graduates that life will be great if they just get a job, floss daily and call their mom once a week.

On the other hand, I could tell them they are doomed, there aren’t any jobs, the country is on the brink of destruction, they’ll never get out of debt and they should move into the woods and make macramé hangers to sell at craft fairs. But that advice might not motivate them to attain their potential greatness.

Thousands of graduates and their families will sit through commencement ceremonies this spring, and I hope they glean a few tidbits of wisdom from the speakers who will desperately be searching for eye contact. It’s difficult for motivational speakers to keep going when they know the audience already has checked out.

In between the pomp and the circumstance, I try my best to offer 10 simple suggestions for a good life:

1. Accept the fact that life isn’t fair. You could work hard, excel at your job and miss your kid’s school programs, only to see some pretty woman have an affair with the executive vice president and be given your job. (I write, somewhat bitterly, from personal experience.) Or you could get hit by a beer truck or your spouse could run away with a carnival worker or your hillbilly neighbor could get a lucrative reality show on television. Just grit your teeth, change your profession and write country/western songs.

2. No one owes you a living. Chances are, you’re not going to win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes or the million-dollar lottery. And you can’t live with your parents anymore, because they want to buy a recreational vehicle and travel around to casinos and roadside attractions. Go into the world and make your own way.

3. Take risks. Watch children if you need examples of expert risk-takers. Kids love to stomp in puddles, fall out of trees, catch frogs in a ditch and ride anything with wheels. Be like they are and experience true freedom before life gives you a mortgage, kids, in-laws, 50 extra pounds, buffoon bosses and irritable bowel syndrome.

4. Mansions, fast cars and luxury vacation don’t guarantee happiness. Many good people are honestly delighted to have a small house with indoor plumbing, a pickup truck that runs, a pantry full of homemade food and a favorite camping place. Be like that.

5. Get out of debt. Why work your entire life just to pay interest to a bank? In most cases, that $100 debt on your credit card for that sassy pair of boots will remain long after they have worn out. Pay cash or go bootless.

I told graduates at the College of Southern Idaho to avoid student loans because the devious program would make them indebted to the government for several decades. I could tell by their groans that the warning came too late. So I advised their younger siblings in the audience to investigate other financial aid options, including scholarships, grants, work-study programs or trade schools. These students will have homes and new trucks while their older brothers and sisters will be living in a crowded commune while paying on their endless student loans. Check recent statistics at https://mycreditsummit.com/student-loan-debt-statistics/

6. Enjoy relationships. The happiest people are surrounded by family members and friends who accept their faults, celebrate their achievements and invite them over for barbecues and wine.

7. Avoid crabby people. They will suck out every last ounce of your energy and leave you a withered, bitter shell of wretched humanity. Purge your contact list now before it’s too late.

8. Don’t fight. No explanation needed.

9. Love more. Ditto.

10. Laugh, dance and sing. Triple ditto.

I purposely avoided any mention of politics or religion, because I’d rather smack my head with a hammer than tiptoe through the mine field of political correctness. I always conclude my speech with this last bit of advice: Call your mom and thank her for putting up with you. If she’s no longer living, call another mother and wish her a happy day. You’ll both feel good, and the world needs more people who are truly grateful.

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The author giving a commencement speech.
 

10 Ways to Add Humor to a Serious Workplace

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(This post was featured on the Huffington Post Comedy Page, March 2, 2015)

happy woman worker

 

Jennifer was a customer service representative for a large technology firm. Though her dreams and aspirations never included sitting in a padded cubicle listening to rude customers, that’s what she did for eight hours a day. Usually, the problems were related to consumer ignorance, and she would patiently instruct them to put in a battery or plug the device into an electrical outlet. To keep her sanity, she used a collection of finger puppets on her desk and pretended the callers were puppets. Then she could see and talk to the clown or the pig or the snooty lady bouncing on her finger. She used humor to survive.

From Shakespeare to the comic strip character Dilbert, ordinary characters rely on comedy to endure the struggles of life and death. As Mercutio lies dying in the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet his last words are, “A plague on both your houses! They have made worm’s meat of me!” Then he laughs and dies. That’s a morbidly funny line. Worm’s meat? Would that really be a man’s last thought? Shakespeare is playing with the audience so the tragedy won’t be too horrific.

In the passionate and wildly popular Broadway musical Les Miserables, we’re exhausted as we witness the endless pain and terrible turmoil of characters who just want to live one more day to fulfill their destiny. Then just before we sink into a deep depression, the drunken innkeeper and his wife burst onto the stage with a hilarious rendition of “Master of the House.” The audience cheers with gratitude for the temporary emotional reprieve.

In a favorite Dilbert cartoon, the intern Asok is killed and reincarnated as a candy bar. Office workers can relate to Asok, but the episode made us laugh anyway. Why? We’re amused because nothing diffuses daily drama like a boisterous belly laugh. Studies prove laughter can reduce stress, increase creativity and lessen tensions. Happy people are healthier than crabby people, and they’re a lot more fun to be around. Jovial people can tackle problems with a positive attitude while pessimistic whiners only take up space while wasting time and life by drafting hate mail and threatening law suits.

Just in case you meet or work with nasty people who only exist to bring pain and suffering to the world, here are some suggestions for using humor to diffuse stressful situations.

1. Before going to a serious meeting, walk by an outside playground and listen to the laughter of the children. Try to recapture that exuberant feeling of having fun. You don’t have to install a swing set in your office to remember how it feels to swing high and almost touch the clouds.

2. Cheerfully empathize with people who drive you crazy. Maybe the coworker who criticizes your work has an intolerable life at home or is caring for a sick child. That would explain his or her irritating behavior. Or, the coworker could just be truly obnoxious and you should stay away from them as much as possible.

3. If you’re in a tense meeting and tempers are flaring, stand up and wave a white flag. Threaten to send everyone to “time out” if they can’t get along. Your boss may not approve of your actions, but it could lighten the mood.

4. If you’re unfortunate enough to be placed on a rigid committee that can’t find consensus on anything, carry a jester’s hat in your briefcase. As emotions escalate and you’d rather break for lunch, just don the hat and announce that you are Feste the Fool of Shakepeare’s Twelfth Night. Dramatically sing his immortal line: “Come away, come away death!” You’ll all be laughing your way through the lunch line.

5. If you’re cursed enough to be deemed in charge of the office holiday party, know in advance that you cannot please everyone and that you are doomed to failure. Just emulate the television show Seinfeld. During one politically correct episode, they organized a “Festivus for the Rest of Us” party where they celebrated nothing. It worked.

6. Share the joy by driving to work wearing a clown nose. At the stoplight, look over and smile at the people in the next car. You’ll brighten their day because they’ll laugh on their way to work, or else they’ll report you to the police. That’s OK because the noses come off quickly.

7. Employ popular tricks and tactics that you use with your family to improve negative situations at work. If your assistant gets an important report done on time, give him an extra-long lunch hour. Legal bribery works wonders, and you’re both happier.

8. Never forget that there are people who want you to be miserable. They may want your job or your car or your spouse. They will publicly criticize you and make your life miserable. Just laugh at the situation and be thankful the person isn’t your parent. However, if it is your parent, get some professional therapy.

9. Never forget that there are people who want you to be happy. You should belong to some social, professional or civic organizations where you can mingle with supportive people who share your values, skills and aspirations. Just ignore Groucho Marx’s famous comment that he would never belong to a club that would have him as a member.

10. Silence is goal-oriented. While it can be fun to slay the competition with a well-placed witticism, sometimes it’s best to pick your battles, remain silent and allow the adversary to publicly prove that she’s a fool. If she goes into a tirade, concentrate on her left ear and imagine it’s a donkey’s ear. You will look cool, calm and collected while she self-destructs faster than the Wicked Witch of the West. You can make your sly comments after you’re promoted.

The best advice is to know that if you’re wallowing with the pigs, get out of the sty. You don’t have to tolerate uncomfortable, hostile or abusive treatment, and if you’re not occasionally laughing at work, you can’t work. Consider a department change or pursue educational opportunities for advancement. If you’re going to live to be 100, you might as well enjoy the journey. And don’t forget to pack your sense of humor.