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Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Bag Balm is NOT Sexy

January 22, 2021 By Elaine Ambrose

I recently saw an ad on social media claiming that “Bag Balm” was available again, so I immediately ordered two limited-edition gold tins to celebrate the 125th anniversary of the miracle salve. The ointment was first introduced in 1899 to apply to udders of cows, but any woman worth her summer sandals knows to use the balm on cracked heels and chapped hands. No cows are necessary. However, one must know that Bag Balm is not an aphrodisiac. Here’s my story:

I own nightgowns that date back to the Clinton Administration. My favorite slippers have shuffled me toward my coffee pot since the Eurythmics sang “Sweet Dreams are Made of This.” And, I can’t part with my favorite robe that I wore when laughing at Johnny Carson before signing off on the Tonight Show.

After a certain age, most women have earned the right to crave comfort with lounge clothes that are labeled X-Large instead of XXX. We’d rather eat cheesecake than pose for it.

I tried once, I really did. In a pathetic attempt to mimic a seductress, I wiggled into a teeny black outfit that cost more per ounce than gold. I couldn’t tell which was the front or the back, so I think I had it on sideways. Then I arched my loafer-loving feet into a pair of black shoes with 5-inch heels and teetered over to Studley. He looked up and got that panicked look he gets when he knows whatever he says will be wrong.

“Did that shrink?” he asked, right before I wobbled on the heels and fell down.

The tiny strap on the garment snapped and all hell broke loose. It was not a pretty sight.

Studley discreetly brought my Johnny Carson robe so I quickly covered my body and recovered my composure. He assured me that he loved me just how I was, and I assured him that he finally said something right. The skimpy outfit was washed, folded, and donated along with the heels. I’m sure they bring comfort and joy to someone else.

Studley tolerates my well-worn nightgowns, but I crossed the line recently when I applied Bag Balm™ before coming to bed. Those of us who grew up on a farm know that the familiar green tin can of ointment was a staple in the medicine cabinet. It’s been around since 1899 and was originally used to treat cows with dry, cracked udders. Farm (and many city) women use the ointment to smear on their heels because it works better than expensive foot creams.

So, one night after I slathered my heels with the greasy balm, covered my feet with thick, white socks, donned my pill-covered gown, and jumped into bed, Studley remarked that maybe I’d be more attractive if I could try the little black outfit again.

He’s still recuperating.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #BagBalm, #humor, #lingerie, #marriage, #midlife, #seniorcitizen, #sex, writingcommunity

The Fiddler Finds a Family: A Story with Two Versions

July 6, 2020 By Elaine Ambrose

(Note: Does a 50 percent edit help or harm the story? One version contains 900 words, and the other is edited to 450 words.)

(900 words)
It was early spring when Fiddling Freddie finally decided to leave his home near the city. He sold his house and car and used the money to buy a pickup truck and a mountain cabin near a lake. He loaded everything he owned into the back of his truck, placed his fiddle on the seat beside him, and drove away. As his former life disappeared in the rear-view mirror, he felt totally free for the first time in several years.

At the cabin, Freddie carefully arranged his comfortable rocking chair in front of the fireplace, set up a small but sturdy bed in the corner, hung his clothes in the closet, and filled the tiny kitchen with plates, pans, and utensils. He placed an oak table and two chairs beside the window. His fiddle case rested on top a wooden book case filled with his favorite novels and magazines. The only other room was a tiny bathroom with a toilet, sink, and tub. Water came from a stream flowing beside the cabin, and stacks of firewood were ready for the stove and fireplace. Several kerosene lanterns and candles provided necessary light.

On the log walls, he hung a calendar, a poster of himself fiddling on stage, a faded photograph of a young couple holding a baby girl, and a picture of his dear departed wife. Freddie stood in the doorway, inspected his new home, and nodded with approval. He was so happy he took his fiddle, sat on the porch, and played until sunset.

The next day, Freddie traveled to a general store in the nearby village and purchased food supplies, including flour, coffee, butter, and eggs. He also bought seeds and tools to make a garden. He prepared the land next to the cabin and planted potatoes, corn, and tomatoes. He cut a small canal from the stream to water the crops. The garden would provide food to sustain him through the winter.

One morning after working in the garden, Freddie sat on the porch to play his fiddle. A child’s voice startled him.

“I like your music, Mister.”

Fiddler looked up to see a boy standing on the dirt road beside the cabin. “Thank you,” he replied. “Folks call me Fiddling Freddie. Who are you?”

The boy walked over, introduced himself as Steven Cartwright, and said he lived with his family just around the bend. The boy asked the old man how he learned to play music. Freddie told the tale about traveling the country and playing at fairs, barn dances, and town celebrations. At one show, he met a beautiful young singer, fell in love, and they were married more than 40 years before she got sick and passed away.

“Do you have kids?” The boy asked.

“We had a daughter. She’s grown and has children of her own. They moved away and don’t have time for me anymore,” Fiddler said. “They don’t care about my stories.”

“I like your stories,” the boy said. “Can I come back tomorrow and bring some friends?”

Freddie agreed. He was surprised the next day when five children walked into his yard. He picked up the fiddle, tucked it under his chin, and began a top-tapping selection of songs from bluegrass to country to Irish folk tunes. Then he told stories about his adventures on the road playing in isolated saloons, big city jazz bars, and ending at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee.

“More stories! More stories!” The children begged. Soon more children came to hear his music and stories.

Fiddling Freddie regaled them with tall tales of playing for the Queen of England. That story may have been an exaggeration. He explained how his fiddle once stopped a bullet from a wild cowboy at a boisterous party in Montana. That story, also, may have been embellished. His favorite story was how he got lost in the Idaho mountains and played his fiddle until a magic, flying horse appeared and flew him home. The children clapped and begged for more.

The summer rolled into autumn, and Freddie harvested the crops from his garden. He fixed baskets of produce to trade at the general store in exchange for supplies. The rest of the vegetables were dried and stored for winter.

The children continued to visit to hear his music and stories. One day the boy, Steven, asked Freddie if he could come to their home for Sunday afternoon dinner. He obliged and took his fiddle and a sack of potatoes. Steven’s parents and five siblings welcomed Freddie and gave him the “company chair” at the meal. He shared more stories and played some tunes.

When it was time to go, he thanked the family. Steven’s mother handed him a homemade pie and a loaf of bread. “Do come back often,” she said. “We’ve heard so much about you, and we decided you’re part of the family.”

Fiddling Freddie drove to his cabin as the sun was setting behind the mountain. He lit a lamp, sat on the porch, and gazed at the night sky as the stars began to appear. He felt gratitude for his life and for his new family. Suddenly he thought about an original tale he would tell the children. The story would describe the time he was fiddling on the roof and a stong wind blew him into an enchanted meadow of singing gnomes. He smiled.

The Fiddler Finds a Family

(450 words)
Fiddling Freddie lived in a cozy cabin in the mountains. To celebrate his simple, happy life, he often sat on the front porch and played his fiddle in a spirited medley of songs from bluegrass to country to Irish folk tunes.

One morning after working in his garden, Freddie sat to play. A child’s voice startled him.

“I like your music, Mister.”

Fiddler looked up to see a boy and four other children standing on the dirt road beside the cabin. “Thank you,” he replied. “Folks call me Fiddling Freddie. Who are you?”

The boy walked over, introduced himself as Steven, and said he lived with his family just around the bend. The boy asked the old man how he learned to play music. Freddie told how he traveled the country and played at fairs, barn dances, and town celebrations. He told stories about his adventures on the road playing in isolated saloons, big city jazz bars, and ending at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee.

“I like your stories,” Steven said. The other children agreed.

Soon more children came to hear his music and stories. Fiddling Freddie regaled them with tall tales of playing for the Queen of England. That story may have been an exaggeration. He explained how his fiddle once stopped a bullet from a wild cowboy at a boisterous party in Montana. That story, also, may have been embellished. His favorite story was how he got lost in the Idaho mountains and played his fiddle until a magic, flying horse appeared and flew him home. The children clapped and begged for more.

One day Steven asked Freddie if he could come to their home for Sunday dinner. He obliged and took his fiddle and a sack of potatoes from his garden. Steven’s parents and five siblings welcomed Freddie and gave him the “company chair” at the meal. He shared more stories and played some tunes.

When it was time to go, he thanked the family and left the potatoes. Steven’s mother handed him a homemade pie and a loaf of bread. “Do come back often,” she said. “We’ve heard so much about you, and we consider you part of the family.”

Fiddling Freddie drove to his cabin as the sun was setting behind the mountain. He lit a lamp, sat on the porch, and gazed at the night sky as the stars began to appear. He felt gratitude for his life and for his new family. Suddenly he thought about an original tale he would tell the children. The story would describe the time he was fiddling on the roof and a stong wind blew him into an enchanted meadow of singing gnomes. He smiled.

©ElaineAmbrose

(Illustrations are from the award-winning book Gaters & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories.)

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #editing, #fiddle, #music, Storytelling, writingcommunity

Children’s Book Stars Delightful Girl with Down Syndrome

February 7, 2020 By Elaine Ambrose

I’m excited to announce my latest children’s book, Melody’s Magical Flying Machine, will be released in September. The chapter book for children ages 7-12 introduces 10-year-old Melody, a spirited girl with Down syndrome. Written in first person, the story describes how Melody meets an enchanted bird named JuJu who helps her create a magical flying machine pulled by two green dragons. Melody blossoms with confidence and a sense of adventure as she soars over the playground to amaze her friends, frighten the teachers, and terrorize a group of bullies.

Melody’s creative ability in storytelling empowers her to entertain other children while sharing her tall tales. She also proves why she is the most marvelous hugger in all the Universe. The character is entertaining, energetic, and funny.

Few books feature a main character with the perspective of a child with Down syndrome. A comparative book would be Wonder, the New York Times Bestseller by R.J. Palacio, published in 2012.

The cover illustration by award-winning British illustrator Wayne Anderson, is courtesy of Bridgeman Art Gallery of New York. The captivating interior artwork is being created by Caroline Zina. The 100-page book will be released by Brown Books Publishing. The publisher intends to market and distribute the book to hundreds of bookstores, schools, and libraries.

Filed Under: blog, books Tagged With: #amwriting, #Down Syndrome, Brown Books Publishing, children's books, Idaho, imagination, writingcommunity

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