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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Everything is Upside Down

March 15, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

 

When my wee granddaughter was a year old, her favorite pose was to poke her butt in the air, place her head on the floor, and look back between her legs. This position is best executed by little people who are close to the ground. I tried it once but strained my back, ripped my pants, and fell on my face.

It’s tempting to try this pose again because everything seems to be upside down, and what once was considered strange and inappropriate is now accepted and even celebrated. Here are some perplexing examples of news stories that hurt my brain and cause me to mutter (more than usual.)

Recently in Boston, a man dressed as Elsa from the movie “Frozen” helped push a police vehicle out of the snow. At least he was braver than the man in Portland, Oregon who frantically called 911 because his cat scared him into cowering in a bedroom with his family. The man was paid to tell his terrifying tale on a television entertainment program, and the cat is in therapy. I live with a Marine who could strangle a ferocious beast with one hand without spilling his gin and tonic. And I’m thankful for that fact.

In a related story about a new product, when the killer cat dies the owner can memorialize the feisty feline by having its nose molded into a sterling silver necklace. This lovely tribute is available for dogs, too, and can be found at several online stores. The precious pendant costs a few hundred dollars. I don’t socialize with any friends who wear animal noses as jewelry.

Then there’s the news about former actress Heather Locklear almost biting off the tip of her boyfriend’s nose during a domestic dispute. Maybe the boyfriend should enlist the help of Angelica Velez of Brooklyn, a tattooed sideshow star who was interviewed about her unique and enviable ability to hammer nails up her nose. You can bet your sweet hammered nostrils that she would organize and sell tickets to a cat fight between the nose-chomping girlfriend and the notorious kitty.

She’s probably not part of a peculiar group of lonely women who choose to marry inanimate objects. I read a report that a woman in Florida married an amusement park ride she named Bruce because she experienced special feelings while riding it. (And who doesn’t? But we don’t marry the things!) Women also have married other items, including the Eiffel Tower in Paris and the Berlin Wall in Germany. There’s not a single chance of biting off body parts in these relationships.

Finally, I’m stunned by the “too damn many lawyers” story about the teenage girl suing her parents for child support. Too bad that sweetheart hadn’t met my father. If I had tried that, I would have been given a one-way ticket on the next bus to Brooklyn to live with a tattooed woman and watch her paint with her nose.

I’ve decided to stop reading news bulletins because they clutter my brain with disturbing images and confounding details. I’ll just focus on things I already know to be weird, irrational, and irrelevant. The US Congress comes to mind.

Today’s blog was fueled by a Sebastiani Cabernet from Sonoma County. Enjoy a bottle or two and then you’ll be able to strike a downward facing dog pose to get a balanced perspective on our weird world.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #humor, #wine, news, strange

It’s Time to Eliminate Schools

March 14, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

 

For more than 40 years, I’ve owned property in Idaho and paid property taxes. I estimate my taxes have contributed more than $150,000 to education. I haven’t received one well-written thank-you note, and I doubt the value of the return on this investment. I suggest a taxpayer revolt because we’re funding gigantic, windowless, government buildings full of camera-ready kids who don’t know its from it’s.

More money doesn’t guarantee better education. According to a report from U.S. News, the federal government spends more than $68 billion a year for education. Idaho allocates about $2 billion a year with $4,100 per student while New York spends more than $11,500 per student. I attended public schools for 16 years; 12 in the village of Wendell, Idaho, and four at the University of Idaho. There were 56 students in my high school graduation class, and we became teachers, writers, a veterinarian, and entrepreneurs. None of us knew how to take a selfie or wanted to shoot each other.

When students walk out of class because they fear being shot in school, maybe it’s time to eliminate the schools. Removing guns won’t solve all the problems or make hostile, lonely people stop killing their peers. Remove the school and remove the opportunity. Allow taxpayers to participate in the education process as well as provide the funding.

Communities should provide the education so young people can learn how to read, write, and become self-sufficient.

We should establish community education centers that involve adults and students where everyone is required to participate in the village learning classes. Students learn basic reading, writing, and arithmetic and also learn from local professionals about how to use their natural talents to become productive adults. Courses would teach them how to sew, weld, bake, farm, program computers, operate child care facilities, care for the elderly, write books, teach music lessons, establish a business, work with those with special needs, become law enforcement officers, fix a motor, wire an electric light, unplug a toilet, learn first aid, travel, and/or drive a truck. Other life skills courses would teach students how to balance a checkbook, establish a budget, maintain healthy relationships, care about their physical and mental health, and parent their future children. Each student would participate in an individualized course, and adult mentors would provide expertise and guidance. Students would learn in small groups, and participation would be required. Online courses would be available for specialized studies and modeled after the curriculum of successful online educational institutions.

The year-around community facilities would be limited to 300 students and most could walk to school. Students would not get lost or be ignored because each one would have a life goal to become productive and be a part of the community. Bullies would be expelled and sent to alternative facilities with the chance to earn an opportunity to return.  Extra activities, including sports, would be optional programs after class. Team quarterbacks and cheerleaders would be equal in importance with the science nerds and journalists. Being popular on social media would not be a primary goal for students. After high school graduation, students would be encouraged to volunteer for community service or join the military before enrolling in a trade school or community college. As adults, they would be motivated to run for political office but not make it a career. This system that focuses on learning and acquiring life skills would work in inner cities as well as in rural towns.

Use empty churches.

The community schools would require smaller buildings, and I suggest using all the churches that sit empty all week. The sprawling, prison-like schools that currently hold thousands of students could be converted into apartments and dormitories for homeless people. These buildings would offer classes for counseling and job training opportunities. Residents would be required to participate in the operations of the facility.

It may sound radical to suggest eliminating schools. But, in my opinion, the federal government is wasting more than $68 billion each year to fund a failing, bloated, antiquated system that produces illiterate, unhappy children. I would willingly allocate my property taxes to fund local educational centers, and I would volunteer my time and talents. If students can walk out and demand change, so can taxpayers and concerned adults.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #community, #Idaho, #volunteer, adults, bullies, education, eliminate schools, homeless, job training, student protest, taypayers

Ambrose Storytelling Endowment Premieres this Month at University of Idaho

March 7, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

 

The Ambrose Storytelling Endowment at the University of Idaho was created by bestselling author Elaine Ambrose as a tribute to the memory of her brother, George Ambrose, and to support the tireless power of storytelling. George and Elaine grew up on a farm outside Wendell, Idaho, and were known to spin a clever yarn at any moment.

The endowment will support a student scholarship, faculty research award, and an annual on-campus storytelling workshop through the College of Letters, Arts and Social Sciences (CLASS). The first workshop is scheduled for March 21, 2018 at the University of Idaho. Benjamin James, assistant professor in the Department of English, will organize and lead the workshop. The program includes interactive discussions about story selection, word choice, finding the best voice, and elements of storytelling.  Elaine Ambrose will speak about “Telling Your Story.”

“From boisterous tales around rustic campfires to eloquent readings from leather-bound books of great literature, storytellers share enduring myths, legends, fairy tales, and adventures to amuse, educate, and motivate every culture on earth. It’s my honor to acknowledge my brother George and to support excellence in storytelling at the University,” said Ambrose.

Elaine Ambrose graduated from the U of I with Phi Beta Kappa scholastic honors with a degree in Journalism. She is the bestselling author of ten books, a syndicated blogger, and humorous speaker. She was the National President of the U of I Alumni Association and served on the Foundation Board of Directors.

George Ambrose also graduated from the University of Idaho after being a leader in the Interfraternity Council and serving as an ASUI Senator. Both George and Elaine sang with the Vandaleer Concert Choir, and Elaine traveled with the choir to Europe, and George traveled to South America with the Vandaleers. George continued to tell stories and jokes just hours before he died from cancer in May of 2017.

Leona Ambrose, mother of George and Elaine, funded the Ambrose Family Scholarship before she passed away. The endowment funds scholarships for students from the Magic Valley area in southern Idaho. In 1998, Elaine funded the Vandaleer Travel Endowment to help with the choir’s tour expenses. For more information about the scholarships and endowments, contact the      University of Idaho Foundation, 875 Perimeter Drive MS 3143, Moscow, Idaho 83844-3143 or email [email protected].

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #Elaine Ambrose, Idaho, Storytelling, University of Idaho, Wendell

Things I’d Rather Do than Watch the News

March 4, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

Wear argyle socks and ride a camel in Nepal.

Visit the Taj Mahal in India and wear a fake hand on my shoulder.

Wear a red sweater on a bridge overlooking the Ponte Vecchio in Florence, Italy.

Get married in a linen toga at a chapel beside the Mediterranean Sea in Paros, Greece.

 

Play “Red Rover” with my family on a warm beach in Cabo, Mexico.

Float down the Nile to visit the Abu Simbel Temple in Egypt with a distant cousin of Ramses.

Cross-country ski to the top of a mountain without a helmet, cell phone, or Depends.

Hiking the Haleakala Crater in Maui, Hawaii

Hike for three days and two nights across the Haleakala Crater in Maui, Hawaii.

Ride my Harley on a crowded road surrounded by minivans loaded with screaming children.

Gratitude Cruise to Costa Rica

Go on a cruise alone to the Panama Canal and ride a zip line through the jungle in Costa Rica.

Travel on an African Safari and relax in a tent to watch monkeys steal my pens.

Waterski while singing the aria from Puccini’s “O Mio Babbino Caro.”

Appear on “HuffPost Live from New York” to talk about my fart.

Drink wine with friends and laugh until I wet my pants.

All these options are preferable to watching the Oscars; however, the last choice has a greater chance of happening again Sunday night.

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: Humor, Oscars, travel

How to Stop the News Noise

March 3, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

I’m a recovering news junkie. I used to start and end the day with a news program playing on television while I read a newspaper or news magazine.

Over the past few years, I graduated to social media. Every morning brought an onslaught of stories and comments on Facebook, Twitter and other accounts. I became addicted.

As civil discourse lost all civility, I got seduced with the power of making clever and sassy comments to share my opinions, which, obviously, were far better than any other viewpoint. A few times, strangers would respond with nasty remarks or belittle my intelligence.

Once, a friend of a friend wrote that I was ignorant. As I eagerly poised my fingers to blast a well-written rebuttal, I stopped. I asked myself, “What are you doing? You don’t know this person!”

I continued to read various online accounts and noticed the increasing dump of vitriol and mean remarks. Few of the comments contained educated, rational thoughts or suggestions for a compromise.

Some people in my circle of civilized middle-aged women became the older version of Mean Girls in Junior High.

How did this happen? A few years ago, I was trading a recipe with a casual acquaintance, and suddenly, she was labeling me a prude and questioning my legitimate heritage.

The insults were posted on the Internet for all the world to read. In the past, I could have called her and asked to meet over coffee and donuts. However, we lived thousands of miles apart, and I assumed she wouldn’t want to see me without a lawyer, bodyguard and insect repellant. It’s all so silly.

I’ve taken steps to stop the noise, and it’s working because I no longer want to smash glass with a hammer or yell at strangers on the Internet. Here are some suggestions that are making a positive impact for me.

Start the Day with Inspirational Music

Instead of a news program, I turn on my playlists of favorite songs. I have a quiet moment to meditate before starting the day and no longer feel the urge to call anyone a brainless barbarian.

Appreciate a Different Opinion

Many people over age 60 are set in their ways and have taken a lifetime to justify their beliefs. I respect that. I’m trying harder to understand and consider the views of different generations.

My reality is not theirs. I’ll try and not call them a naive whippersnapper, and I hope they know my aged opinions remain relevant.

Pick Your Battles

This old adage proves true among the abundance of claims and counterclaims. I really don’t care if someone has purple hair, wears enough multiple piercings to attract lightning, or carries a rodent in a purse. I care if that person spits in my face and calls me stupid.

Don’t Believe Everything You Read Online

I see too much ‘fake’ news and wrong assertions being forwarded by people who should know better. If someone writes that gremlins from another planet are coming to take my home or that eating pie will cause me to lose weight, I want proof and links to the facts. Skeptical wins over gullible.

Someone Needs You

By not wasting hours online, I have more time to volunteer or to use my talents and resources for better causes.

Share your energy to visit lonely older people, help struggling young parents or support community causes. Others will be grateful for your assistance and no one will write that you’re a useless pestilence on society.

End the Day with Music

It has been a major adjustment to change how I start and end the day. I stay informed about current events, but now I play music before going to bed. That way I’m not tempted to retort to a cruel remark made on Twitter when I have Josh Groban to sing me to sleep.

I can’t change the foul moods that permeate society, but I can write a humorous story or send a compliment online to a friend. By avoiding negative reactions, I want to contribute positive thoughts. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be known as the old lady who whined on Facebook.

How do you cope with all the negative energy in our country today? How can people over age 60 reach out to younger generations and encourage a constructive discussion? Are you making any changes to your usual routine in order to avoid bad moods?

The article above was published on the Sixty and Me website. http://sixtyandme.com/6-ways-to-stop-the-noise-of-constant-breaking-news/

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #internet, news, noise, social media

Memoir and Metaphor

March 3, 2018 By Elaine Ambrose

My memoir Frozen Dinners is in production and soon the proofs will be distributed for professional review. The publication date will be in a few months.

The book contains several original poems in a chapter titled “Potatoes and Poetry.” I wrote one titled “1964 Town Crier” as a student in a writing class at the University of Idaho. At the time, I didn’t know the poem would become the metaphor for a memoir I would finish almost 50 years later.

 

1964 Town Crier

 Ragged, rhythmic clouds of breath escape from my mouth

as I push my burdened bicycle over the patches of frozen snow.

Frost fills my nostrils and hardens wayward hairs

poking beneath my knit hat like spikes of rigid spider legs.

The only sounds on this dark moonless morning

come from the rustle of my frozen pant legs

and my boots squeaking and crunching through the crusty layers.

I know every house on my paper route, so I keep my head down

in a futile attempt to ignore the bitter winds that slice through my coat.

Take a newspaper from the bag, slap it into a roll, stick it into the can, keep going.

I’m 12 years old, and I’m outside in the brutal Idaho winter

at 5:30 am to deliver 70 newspapers. Every day. By myself.

My fingers hurt. Snot freezes on my lip. A dog growls but doesn’t leave its shelter.

Crunch. Breathe. My bag becomes lighter as a sliver of daylight emerges through the dark.

I arrive home, and my father sits to read the newspaper while my mother hands me

hot cocoa with marshmallows happily bobbing and melting on top.

My aching hands circle the mug, and I lean over so the steam can warm my face.

Silent tears roll down red cheeks.

I am the Messenger. I am the Town Crier.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog, books Tagged With: #amwriting, #memoir, Frozen Dinners, Idaho, trucking

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