Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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The Splendid Joy of Writing Humor

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Receiving Award from Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Maureen Dowd

My stylish but functional carry-on bag is waiting to be packed for tomorrow’s flight to Cincinnati, Ohio for the National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference. The association is for writers of serial essays, including columnists and bloggers. My goal as a humor writer is to cause at least one person to laugh or maybe snort coffee when reading my blog posts. Apparently, my goal was achieved because I’m receiving another award for humor writing.

At last year’s conference, I received the honor from Pulitzer Prize winner Maureen Dowd. My winning essays included an irreverent collection of political commentaries from sarcastic animals. This year’s winning entry included a travel post because I’d rather be stranded in a haunted airport full of carnivorous dung beetles and feral spiders than write about politics. It’s not funny anymore. I wrote about last year’s award in a piece titled “Humor in E-Flat Alto.” It’s a tribute to my band teacher who told me I wasn’t funny.

Joining funny writers Lee Gaitan and Molly Stevens at NSNC.

The schedule for this year’s conference features excellent speakers and topics, and I’m eager to join provocative debates, learn new techniques, and see friends from across the country.

Here is one of my three entries for the 2018 humor competition:

Stepping and Schlepping Off the Plane

After completing a 14-hour journey from Sag Harbor, New York to Boise, Idaho, I’m convinced the standard travel attire for passengers includes ripped clothes, disheveled hair, and a grumpy attitude. I felt positively radiant in my coordinated knit ensemble, complete with a patient smile. As I cued in line for the privilege to sit in a toddler-sized space for four hours, I reminisced about a forgotten time when traveling was a luxurious pleasure.

Years ago, when I was fancy and corporate, I often visited an exclusive dress shop in downtown Boise. The proprietor, a thin and elegant woman named Dorothy, was hanging onto age 50 with clenched but manicured fingernails. She exuded all things classy and could have posed for a 1950s cigarette ad. Her arched eyebrow raised even higher whenever I entered. She liked me but mourned my conservative fashion sense and untoned body. I was on the D-List of Preferred Clients.

Once I needed a business outfit for a conference out of state. She welcomed me with bangled arms and air kisses and proceeded to collect various outfits to hang in a dressing room.

“This one is perfect,” she gushed as she held up a white sweater with white pants. “You’ll look fabulous as you step off the plane.”

“I’ll look like an albino ox,” I replied. “And what’s the fuss about stepping off the plane? Most of the passengers are wearing flannel pajama pants and stained sweatshirts as they stumble to baggage claim. I could be roller skating in a potato sack on fire with live rats dancing on my head and no one would notice.”

Dorothy sighed. “Where has all the glamour gone?” She replaced the white ensemble and added a serious navy-blue dress with a red collar.

“At least add a splash of color,” she begged.

I liked the dress and purchased it for the trip. After the plane landed, I entered the terminal and paused for a moment to pose as Dorothy would prefer. A young mother pushing a stroller the size of a recliner crashed into my legs, snagging my pantyhose. She mumbled an apology while throwing fish crackers to her crying toddler and ambled down the corridor in a mass of harried, hurried people.

I limped down to the taxis and reflected on the time when travelers wore their best clothes. Typical attire included men in suits with ties and women in dresses and hats, some with gloves. Children and pets were rare and properly packaged. Passengers who stepped off the plane indicated they had, indeed, arrived.

I don’t work for a corporation anymore, so when traveling I opt for a more casual, practical outfit such as black leggings and a black and white tunic. At my age it really doesn’t matter anymore because women over 50 are invisible to the huddled masses yearning to simultaneously read their cell phones and walk while ignoring the repetitive message from Big Sister, “Do Not Leave Your Luggage Unattended!”

Yesterday I️ had two hours before my next flight so stopped at the wine bar in the airport and ordered a Cabernet. A sophisticated older woman also sat at the bar. She wore a red knit suit with white pearls and her hair was full enough to hide small treasures. Her exquisite fingers curved around the wine glass as she smiled and offered a silent toast. I️ returned her gesture, thankful to no longer be invisible. After finishing her drink, she gathered her designer bags and sashayed from view as I heard the distant music from Nat King Cole singing, “Unforgettable.” I imagined her name was Dorothy.

 

 

 

 

  How to Write the Introduction to Your Memoir

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If you want to write a memoir, begin with a powerful scene that provides a provocative glimpse into the story that follows. Here is the first paragraph of my upcoming memoir, Frozen Dinners – A Memoir of a Fractured Family.

“Irritated clouds of gray dust swirl behind my car and settle back onto the patches of scruffy sagebrush as I drive a back road into the village of Wendell, Idaho. I turn down 4th Avenue and stop in front of an insignificant old house where my family lived before my father became rich. Decades of decay and neglect are exposed as cheap vinyl siding sags on the outside walls and dead vines hang on crooked trellises over weathered boards thirsty for paint. I stare at the window of my former bedroom and wonder if it’s still nailed shut.”

Those four sentences reveal several essential facts to the story through key words and phrases. The words “village of Wendell, Idaho” tell readers the location of my small hometown. The phrase “before my father became rich” adds an interesting element in the second sentence. The third sentence about “decades of decay” offers a glimpse into a memoir about loss and longing.  By the fourth sentence, I intend to hook the reader with the words “wonder if it’s still nailed shut.”

Why was my childhood window nailed shut? Keep reading to learn the truth.  Also, to emphasize immediacy, the first chapter is written in present tense. The remaining chapters are in past tense.

Everyone has a story, and you should consider writing yours. Your life’s history contains a series of pivotal scenes that incorporate all the senses and emotions. List the important memories and then review them for the basis of an outline for your memoir. Do certain times and events seem more compelling that others? What is the essence of your story? How do you begin?

My memoir first percolated in my mind more than twenty years ago, and I adjusted the intensity of my writing for several years, often jumping into the mess of words only to quit and relinquish everything to the back burner. How do I, as a humor writer, rip open the scars to inspect the pain of the past? I couldn’t finish it, so I sporadically wrote additional chapters for the manuscript while working on humorous books, including Menopause Sucks, Midlife Cabernet, and Midlife Happy Hour.

My mother’s death in 2014, followed three years later by the death of my younger brother George, convinced me to complete the book. The memoir will be released in the fall by Brown Books Publishing.

Write Your Memoir – Free Workshop in Boise

The Idaho Writers Guild offers a full schedule of free workshops for beginning and intermediate writers. I’ll be presenting a memoir writing class on Thursday, June 21 at the Library at Collister, 4724 W State Street in Boise. The workshop, titled “Your Memoir – How to Avoid Flirting with Fiction,” begins at 7:00 with a 90-minute interactive session followed by audience discussion. The event is free and open to the public. Intermediate writers are encouraged to attend.

The workshop will focus on how to outline a memoir and how to separate fact from fiction. Worksheets will emphasize the importance of an opening paragraph to set the stage for the rest of the story.

 

 

 

 

 

Memoir Reviewed by Acclaimed Idaho Author

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My memoir Frozen Dinners is available on Amazon for pre-order. Brown Books Publishing has announced a release date for November 2018 to secure holiday promotion and purchases. Watch for the local premiere party, complete with TV dinners!

I appreciate this review from Kim Barnes, author of the Pulitzer Prize Finalist Memoir: In the Wilderness: Coming of Age in Unknown Country

“Full of luscious details, clear-eyed compassion, and enduring joy, Ambrose’s memoir gives us an insider’s view of one family’s rocky pursuit of the American Dream. Even when she is relating personal stories of conflict, loss, and grief, Ambrose does so with a survivor’s voice made strong by experience, stubbornness, humor, and love.”

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I worked on the manuscript for 20 years. My mother’s death in 2014, followed last year by the death of my younger brother George, convinced me to complete the book. The memoir tells the story of my father Neal Ambrose, born in Wendell, Idaho, as he climbed out of poverty and created an extensive fortune through trucking and farming enterprises. In the early 1950s, he established one of the first trucking companies in the country to haul frozen TV dinners, and during the 1960s, his farming operations introduced the first pivot sprinklers in southern Idaho. The pivots allow sprinkler pipes to rotate around a center pump to water crops.

However, the family lived in a state of emotional paralysis, and after my father’s death, everything was destroyed as the assets were squandered, the companies closed, and hundreds of employees lost their jobs. A chapter titled “Judgement Day” describes a brutal courtroom scene where a ruthless Boise attorney badgered my 77-year-old mother until she wet her pants. Another chapter devoted to her is titled “The Book of Leona.” The memoir concludes with my half-century journey to find warmth beyond the contaminated legacy of frozen dinners.

While ripping open the scars to write the book, I covered the wounds with healing humor and wrote Menopause Sucks, Midlife Cabernet, and Midlife Happy Hour.  I’m eager to return to writing humor.

Click this link for pre-ordering details about the hard cover edition: Frozen Dinners

 

 

“Gators & Taters” Wins National Writing Award for Children’s Fiction

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“Potatoes are tasty,” Clyde said with a sigh.

“I like them much better than blueberry pie.”

Gators & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories is the winner of the 2018 Distinguished Favorite Award for Children’s Fiction from the Independent Press Awards. Thousands of books were submitted for the honor, but apparently the judges couldn’t resist the narrative rhythm of the imaginative stories. The Independent Press Award recognizes and honors independent publishers and authors and assists them gain more attention and to better purvey their content to a larger audience.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recently released guidelines that advise parents to start reading to your child from infancy. Gators & Taters features seven stories, four in prose and three in metered, rhyming poetry similar to the writings of Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss. The stories are designed to be read aloud to children to continue the tradition of oral storytelling and inspire them to wonder about characters, places, and adventures. No batteries are required.

During the early 1950s, Mom raised her children, babysat other kids, and worked at home at night typing reports for Bradshaw’s Honey Plant in Wendell, Idaho. My dad was a truck driver and was gone during the week, so she had to earn money to pay for groceries. She saved enough to spend $5 a month for a set of Childcraft books. She read to me every night, and I developed a passion for reading. Every two weeks, she took me to the library and my first books were about the adventures of the Bobbsey Twins and the mysteries of Nancy Drew. When I was 10 and read Little Women, I identified with Jo, the tomboy, sassy girl, and I started to write short stories.

Gators & Taters features 36 original, colorful illustrations by Idaho artist Patrick Bochnak. Meet some of the characters and stories in the book:

“Gators & Taters” features two alligators named Cleo and Clyde. They go for a ride with a truck driver named Wendell O’Doodle and escape to play in an Idaho potato field.

“The Birthday Boy” offers the poignant story from a mother’s perspective as she watches her son Adam grow up and celebrate milestone birthdays.

“Hootenflute Flies the Coop” tells the delight tale of two little ladies who lost their pet owl. The story introduces creative words, such as flamdoogle tea, crawdad bogs, and corncob cakes.

“The Secret Reading Room” describes how a girl named Amber escapes to her grandmother’s attic to read travel magazines and adventure books. In this author profile, the girl decides to travel the world.

“Mama, I’ve Had a Bad Day” tells the true story of a family in various stages of crisis and chaos. Each family member has a bad day until Mama opens the scrapbook and reminds them of happier times.

“How to Feed a Hungry Giant” portrays the tall tale of Tater McCall who discovers and feeds a lonely Giant named George. The Giant eats 50 fish, 50 loaves of bread, and a bathtub of vegetable soup.

“Biking to the Moon” is an enchanting story about Emily, a girl who magically rides her bike to the moon and meets people trapped under a curse from a nasty troll. She breaks the spell and returns home to meet a special new friend.

The book concludes with discussion subjects and questions for parents, caregivers, and teachers to share with children after reading the stories aloud. Gators & Taters is available in paperback, eBook, and Audiobook read by the author.

The Independent Press Award follows other honors. The book was chosen as one of 50 children’s books selected by Bowker’s National Recommended Reading List, selected for the Idaho Public Television “First Book” Program with statewide distribution to underprivileged children, selected for the State of Idaho “Read Out Loud Crowd” Program, selected for the Summer Reading List for the Log Cabin Literary Center in Boise, and chosen for the Barnes & Noble Summer Reading Program in Boise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feel a Mother’s Day Special with Angel Bumps

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For the perfect Mother’s Day gift, with discounts up to 50%, share a copy of Angel Bumps – Hello from Heaven.

Angel Bumps is a collection of tender stories from 50 writers who share their humorous, inspirational, and emotional experiences with personal signs from beyond. Signs could be a feather, a certain song, a coin, or a sudden aroma. Our Angel Bumps bring us joy, comfort, and peace. Just like Mom.

From May 5 through May 12, the eBook will be discounted 50% to $1.99.

The paperback debuted at #1 in its category on Amazon and will be discounted 20% to $11.95.

Email Anne Bardsley to order signed, personalized copies of the paperback:

[email protected]

Communicate with Anne about number of copies, personalized notes in the book, autographs, and postage.

 

Or, order online at: Angel Bumps

These personal Angel Bumps end on May 12.