Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

You are here: Home / Archives for blog

blog

The Lights of My Life

By

Chandelier in McCall house

I bought my first chandelier in 1997 while building a house on the east shore of Payette Lake in McCall, Idaho. I was divorced and had sold my interest in the family business. I wanted a new start so invested the proceeds to create a dream home in McCall.

Joan at the construction site in 1997

For the interior design, I consulted my friend and designer Joan Whitacre. She found a brilliant and massive chandelier for the entryway but when it arrived from Boston, the construction workers on site laughed at her. They told her it was too big to fit inside the door. She sent them to lunch and proceeded to manipulate the enormous chandelier one prong at a time to maneuver the entire fixture through the doorframe. The chandelier was perfect.

I sold the house ten years later, a greedy action I still regret, and was dismayed to learn the new owners replaced the chandelier with lights hidden inside a jumble of antlers. The new owners also removed the custom 1950 kitchen downstairs, but their payment cleared so I tried not to care. My personal drama included another marriage and divorce, so I started over again.

Over the following 16 years, I moved to eight different houses, always searching for the best light in the perfect home. I built a cabin in Garden Valley in 2008 and ordered lights from a local lighting company and a few online options. I added wall sconces to add indirect lights for a dozen writing retreats I organized at the cabin under the name “Write by the River.” I intended to retire there, but I sold it in 2021. Again, that’s another regret. The cabin recently sold again for a substantial profit for the owners.

Pulitzer Prize Winner Anthony Doerr speaks at the “Write by the River” writing retreat in Garden Valley
Chandelier and copper ceiling in Eagle home

When I moved to a third new house Eagle in 2009, I contacted Joan Whitacre for help with design and furnishings. Again, she found the perfect chandelier and recommended a ceiling covered in copper. The results were stunning and dramatic. I found a cute guy from Texas and invited him to share the home. The chandelier continued to shine over family holiday gatherings, book signing events, writing workshops, and birthday celebrations.

Moving the chandelier from Eagle to Meridian

 

We moved again in 2018 and brought the chandelier to the new home in SpurWing for my piano room. An earthquake in 2020 caused it to sway, and I captured a video on my cell phone. The video, posted below, received more than 18,000 views on Twitter.

IMG_161

 

Piano room at SpurWing

I had to leave the chandelier behind when the house sold in 2020. After living for 16 months in a rental house without a chandelier, we moved again to a custom house back in Eagle. Joan had retired and was traveling the world with her husband, so I searched for new lights.

I found the perfect chandeliers in the Hyde and Seek Shop in Boise and purchased five in two sizes. I hung hundreds of crystal pieces on the chandeliers, and now they sparkle in the entryway, the powder room, the piano room, my office, and the main bathroom.

I also prefer eclectic lamps, including a “Storyteller Lamp” from Villa Decor in Eagle and a natural-leaf “jelly fish” lamp from North End Organic Nursery in Garden City, Idaho. I painted the shade to match the walls in my office.

“Storyteller Lamp”
Leaf “Jelly Fish Lamp”
Chandelier and tile wall in power room in Eagle
Chandelier in my office

The lights of my life have illuminated grand, poignant, and painful moments inside a wide variety of homes. I’m finally where I should be, and I don’t intend to move again or purchase another chandelier. I know the darkness can’t last long when rooms and attitudes are bathed in brilliant lights in a safe place that says, “Welcome Home.”

 

120 Women Empowered to be Published Authors

By

My company, Mill Park Publishing, survived 16 years of productivity and empowered more than 120 women to become published authors. The company also donated money and books to various charities, organized writing retreats, was an annual sponsor for the Idaho Writers Guild conference, created a YouTube channel for writing tips and book promotions, and sponsored live comedy shows in Boise. The company published 18 books, 16 eBooks, and four audiobooks. The books received 26 national writing awards and multiple glowing national reviews.

 

No batteries required.

2004 – The Red Tease – A Woman’s Adventure in Golf

(2008 – (I fulfilled a publishing contract to coauthor Menopause Sucks published by Adams Media.)

2010 – Daily Erotica (Featuring Gretchen Anderson, Rachel Hatch, Liza Long, and Elaine Ambrose)

2011 – Mother Knows Best by Patti Murphy

2011 – The Backyard Chicken Fight by Gretchen Anderson

2011 – Little White Dress (Compiled by Liza Long featuring 26 writers)

2012 – Drinking with Dead Women Writers (with Amanda Turner)

2012 – Drinking with Dead Drunks (with Amanda Turner)

2013 – Mother Knows Better by Patti Murphy

2013 – Angel of Esperanza by Judith McConnell Steel

2014 – Midlife Cabernet – Love, Life, and Laughter after Fifty

2016 – Feisty after 45 – The Best Blogs from Midlife Women (Anthology featuring 45 writers)

2016 – Midlife Happy Hour (Published by Brown Books Publishing Group. Mill Park published eBook and audiobook.)

2017 – Gators & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories (Edited with new illustrations and audiobook.)

2017 – The Magic Potato – Storybook in English and Spanish (Edited with new illustrations)

2017 – Angel Bumps (Anthology compiled by Anne Bardsley with 50 writers)

2018 – Frozen Dinners (Memoir published by Brown Books Publishing Group. Mill Park published eBook.)

2019 – The Glamorous Life of Josie Marie by Angie Meyer Olszewski

2020 – Melody’s Magical Flying Machine (Published by Brown Books Kids. Mill Park published eBook and audiobook.)

So, what’s next? Here’s the working cover for a new humor book to complete the Midlife Trilogy titled, Midlife Reboot – Humorous Stories of Rest, Resilience, and Renewal. Yes, I realize I passed midlife a few decades ago, but I could live to be 140. So far, I’m still in the reboot stage and waiting for a creative download of energy.

Here are photos of a few of the books and donations: (Click on the photo to see the caption.)

Authors of “Daily Erotica” met at a writer’s group in Eagle, Idaho. Their free readings entertained groups across the valley.
Amanda Turner and I met for Christmas lunch in 2011 and wrote an outline on a cocktail napkin for “Drinking with Dead Women Writers.”
Proceeds from Patti Murphy’s book were donated to Women’s and Children’s Alliance with Beatrice Black, WCA executive director.
A portion of proceeds from Judith McConnell Steele’s book was donated to the Writers in the Schools Program sponsored by The Cabin in Boise.
Liza Long wore her abandoned wedding dress to read her essay at the premiere party. Proceeds were donated to Dress for Success.
Nancy Oppenheimer, a former nun, describes her wedding dress in “Little White Dress.”
Money was donated to Wassmuth Center for Human Rights so 200 local school children could see the documentary, “He Named Me Malala.”
Publishers Weekly wrote, “Midlife Cabernet” is laugh-out-loud funny.
“Feisty after 45” featured 45 midlife bloggers.
Sherry Briscoe reads her essay at the premiere party for “Feisty after 45.”
I used an average-sized Idaho potato to promote the children’s writing contest for New Year’s Eve.
Student winner of children’s writing contest at the Idaho Potato Drop.
Books and 3D toys featuring “Melody’s Magical Flying Machine” were donated to Idaho Special Olympics and Family Advocates.
Anthologies and books enabled 120 women to become published writers.
No batteries required.

Menopause Sucks Less – 14 Years Later

By

My daughter and son assisted with the premiere party for “Menopause Sucks” on August 8, 2008.

 

Menopause Sucks premiered in Eagle, Idaho on August 8, 2008. The event remains one of the highlights of my long and festive life.

I was divorced, and my son and daughter helped me organize the premiere party at Seasons Restaurant (now known as Bacquet’s French Restaurant.) My 15-month-old granddaughter attended as a special guest. I worked on the final edits of the manuscript while waiting for her to be born.

Prior to Menopause Sucks, I had written and published The Red Tease – A Woman’s Adventures in Golf and two children’s books. The Red Tease won the bronze medal for humor from the Foreword INDIES Book of the Year program, and the award helped me obtain a literary agent.

My agent, Andrea Hurst, secured my contract with Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, for me to coauthor Menopause Sucks with bestselling author Joanne Kimes. We worked on the manuscript for several months, sending chapters back and forth, and laughing at every exaggerated description. We included factual information approved by medical professionals and added our own creative humor. We never met in person. The book continues to sell in paperback and eBook formats.

Publisher’s Author Photo

Here are some excerpts from Menopause Sucks.

“Warning: Over 38 million women are going through menopause, and some of them are really irritated. If you’re one of them, you know that it’s a crying shame that you could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. To understand what is happening to your mind and body, just put down that shotgun and find a cool spot to read the book Menopause Sucks by menopausal maniac Elaine Ambrose. You’ll find answers and laughs as you learn about hot flashes, incontinence, hair loss, age spots, flatulence, mood swings, and hot sex after forty. This isn’t your mother’s medical manual.”

“While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges. For the most part, every single symptom of menopause is caused by one reason, and one reason alone: hormones. It seems that your body makes several different kinds of hormones that love to cavort through your body and play havoc with your sanity. Two major players are called estrogen and progesterone. In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!” As with most power-hungry rascals, estrogen likes to change the rules every now and then just to confuse you.”

“As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.”

“It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat.”

My son managed the sales at the premiere party.

Since 2008, I’ve written or published 18 more books, moved six times, and met a cute guy I call Studley. Due to a recent heart attack, my projects have been postponed, but ideas for future books continue to swirl in my brain and beg to be written. The proposed title of my next humor book is Midlife Reboot – Stories of Revival.

 

Reading excerpts from “Menopause Sucks”

 

 

 

 

 

Friends from college and work attended the premiere party.
My 15-month-old grandbabe was an honored guest at the party.

 

 

 

Midlife Happy Hour – An Excellent Excerpt

By

Chapter Four – The World Can Kiss Our Attitude

We never decided what to name our group of six middle-aged women friends. Suggestions varied from “Six Pack” to “Six in the City” to “We Were Seven but One Died.” Every time we met, we would vote on a new name, but we couldn’t agree so we stayed with the “Midlife Happy Hour Club.”

 “That’s so boring,” Kitty said. “Can’t we add something sexy?” 

“How about that waiter?” Linda replied. The joke was old, but we were, too. We clinked our glasses, savored the martinis and wine, and settled into a familiar pattern of camaraderie. We had promised Pam, the one who died from breast cancer, that we would carry on without her.

 “Chop them off now so you won’t get sick!” She’d whispered at the end, as we took turns pressing ice chips onto her lips. We nodded in solemn agreement. “And promise me you’ll all stay friends. Keep laughing. You don’t need boobs to laugh.” 

Over the years, the Midlife Happy Hour Club gathered regularly to acknowledge the fact that life sucked so we should laugh hard. The agenda varied, and we could grow equally passionate about politics, religion, nail polish, or the best stool softener. Sometimes we placed a glass for Pam. 

Birthday Card Blues

One memorable occasion was to celebrate Linda’s birthday. Such annual affairs often took a wicked turn as greeting cards turned into cruel and unusual punishment for still being alive. 

“I’m weary of birthday cards that mock seasoned women,” said Debby. “Over the hill, my ass. We couldn’t climb a hill taller than a plate of cookies even with sturdy tennis shoes and an industrial crane.” We agreed and vowed to stop sending each other stupid, insulting cards. Unless, of course, the card included a lovely photo of fit, shirtless dudes in cowboy hats. We’re shallow like that. 

A flock of perfect women tittered past on heels that cost more than my first car. “Look at her,” laughed Debby as she adjusted her don’t-give-a-shit matronly body. “She’s so skinny if she swallowed an olive it would show in front and back. I should stab her with a fork to make sure she’s not a poster.”

Linda, the birthday babe, gasped with feigned indignation. “I read that some women are paying for a fake butt. Can you imagine making your behind bigger on purpose? I can see mine even when I walk forward, and I didn’t pay a dime extra for it!” 

“Stop,” Jenniffer said with mock chagrin. “At least we don’t have periods anymore and can wear white pants without worry.”

“Ha!” I retorted. “The last time I wore white pants my grandkids told me to hold still so they could show a movie on my butt.” 

We Love Midlife Happy Hour

Friends for Fifty Years

Kitty bit into a carrot cake muffin smeared with enough cream cheese frosting to adhere a Buick to the wall. “Mmm,” she moaned. “I just eat this for the vegetables.”

“True,” I agreed. “And this medicinal lemon drop martini has just enough citrus to cure my scurvy.”

We giggled and snorted with middle-aged abandon. We loved the glamorous gals, we really did, but our biggest consolation was knowing they were growing older, too, and would someday arrange their own midlife happy hour. By then, we would be watching reruns of The Carol Burnett Show and reading salacious novels in big type. We would live together in a quaint cottage near the park and pool our savings accounts to hire off-duty firemen to rub our feet. It was a glorious plan. 

(I’ll be reading excerpts from three books Friday evening in Garden City, Idaho at an event I’m hosting titled “ATaste of Poetry: Conversations with John Roedel.” John Roedel will read from his poetry and discuss storytelling to a sold-out audience. My readings will include three genres: memoir, children’s books, and humor. This excerpt is from “Midlife Happy Hour – Our Reward for Surviving Careers, Kids, and Chaos.” The book was a finalist for “Book of the Year for Humor” and won two writing awards from the Independent Press Book Awards program.)

“Melody” Flies to Family Advocates Program

By

 

Melody’s Magical Flying Machine is an award-winning children’s book that features a girl with Down syndrome who uses a 3D printer to create a flying machine. Her positive attitude and creative storytelling abilities have delighted readers, educators, parents, book reviewers, and awards committees across the country. To accompany the book, two toys were designed by a 3D printer in Nampa, Idaho.

Fifty copies and 100 3D toys recently were donated to Family Advocates in Boise. The organization is dedicated to ending child abuse, Family Advocates addresses the full spectrum of need with comprehensive programs for both prevention and advocacy.

“We are excited to accept the donation of books and toys,” said Kathryn Seebold, executive director. “We organize a book drive for our Family Strengthening families a few times a year, and this would be a great addition to those events and to add to our children’s library.”

Three 2021 International Awards for Children’s Fiction

Publishers Weekly named the book an “Editor’s Pick for a Book of Outstanding Quality.” The review mentioned “vivid prose” and “imaginative tapestry that is Melody’s magical adventure.”

Kirkus Reviews reviewed the book as “a joyful, well-told story that celebrates the power of imagination.”

The book won international writing awards for children’s fiction from New York City Big Book Award, the Moonbeam Book Awards, and from the Independent Press Book Awards.

The book is illustrated by Idaho illustrator Caroline Zina. The paperback was published by Brown Books Kids. The book is a beginning chapter book for early readers and is available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook. The author is available to speak at read at area schools and civic organizations.

The Publisher’s Weekly review concluded: “This charming flight of fancy with an equally charming protagonist will delight readers who want to be both educated and entertained.”

 

 

(Illustrations have copyright protection)

Let’s Celebrate Truckers, Gators, and Taters

By

To support truck drivers and inspire children to imagine award-winning storytelling, here is the first story in Gators & Taters – A Week of Bedtime Stories. The children’s book won a prestigious writing award for children’s literature from The Independent Press. (The story is written in poetry form with the accent on every third syllable using the same meter and rhyme scheme as the classic poem T’was the Night Before Christmas written in 1823 by Clement Clarke Moore.)

Available in Paperback, eBook, and Audiobook

 

 

 

 

Happy Alligators playing in potatoes

 

 

 

Cleo and Clyde wave bye-bye.

 

The story is available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook read by the author. Thanks to Patrick Bochnak for the festive illustrations.

Copyright Elaine Ambrose