Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Bewildered by Buzzwords

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Every day I receive energetic appeals to register for various podcasts, online workshops, and Internet training courses that will save me from a wretched existence of wasted potential. Each request contains similar buzzwords that promise true enlightenment and warn of catastrophic failure if I don’t join, pay, read, or promote various products and services. But what if I don’t want to lean in or define a new paradigm?

After 30 years of professional work I feel empowered to share my version of a creative course that utilizes overexposed buzzwords to motivate the masses. My strategic carnival show will be titled: “Buzzword Bull – How to Maneuver the Barnyard and Avoid the Manure.” To maximize the return on investment and optimize sustainability, I’ll employ guerilla marketing and stand outside my virtual circus tent to seduce prospective clients with my golden barking oratory.

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up and be the first to see the show! You’ll be amazed by the performance, and if you buy today we’ll give you a free bottle of Big Top Stool Softener.” After I convinced people to participate, I would scatter buzzwords and platitudes like popcorn and peanuts.

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Synergy. This word predicts a perfect environment of collaboration and interaction. I would draw attention to the lady standing on the galloping horse. That shows synergy, and one mistake by horse or rider could result in tragedy. To succeed in business, don’t stand on a galloping horse.

Risk. Notice the daredevil on the high wire. Can you be so bold? What is your safety net? Do you have an insurance policy? Action items don’t count if you’re dead.

Tenacious Teamwork. See those clowns in the burning building? If they don’t work together to escape in the clown car they’ll become crispy critters. Don’t be like that.

Win-Win Situation. This happens when I take your money and you learn or laugh from my show. This won’t happen for you if I take your money and you gain nothing. I still win.

Think Outside the Box. Am I the only one who thinks this is a stupid term? What does that mean? I don’t think INSIDE a box, so it doesn’t apply to me. If it suggests try something new, just say that.

Measurable Parameters. Don’t intimidate me with four-syllable words. The term “profit or loss” is proven and sufficient. It costs you $5 for a bag of popcorn worth only 10 cents. Again, this sale is a win for me.

Monetize your blog. That phrase sounds more professional but it’s the same as using your blog to sell ads or endorse products and services. I can monetize the production and packaging of a perishable product or sell you some popcorn.

Brainstorm and devise a dialog. A brainstorm reminds me of a hangover, and I’d rather just talk. Devise a dialog? That’s silly talk.

Become a Change Agent. What? Isn’t that what a cashier does when I need to break a twenty?

Total Quality Management. Entire corporations continue to embrace this popular concept. But consider the alternative. No one would advocate Mediocre or Partial Quality Management. The TQM system attempts to reduce errors in manufacturing, streamline management, improve customer relations, and train employees. Shouldn’t successful businesses be doing that anyway?

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Buzzwords and motivational quotes have been around for centuries. In 1750, Benjamin Franklin said, “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” That’s good advice that applies today. One of the bestselling business books was written in 1998 by Spencer Johnson, M.D. His book Who Moved My Cheese sold more than 20 million copies and basically advised business people to embrace change because it’s inevitable and you’ll die if you don’t adapt. Not as pithy as Benjamin Franklin, but obviously true.

During my career, I worked for various companies that advocated the buzzword of the day. I was a manager at a Fortune 500 corporation when a bestselling business book asked about the color of your parachute. I will never need a parachute because I don’t intend to jump out of an airplane or off a bridge. Ever. So, I don’t care what color it is. At another job, I rewrote the corporate motto in the Annual Report by removing the phrase “optimize quantitative shareholder value” and substituting the word “profit.” In modern business vernacular, common sense has left the building and retired to a remote island.

Before I allow buzzwords to be the death of me, I must admit that I own several motivational posters and books, and I’ve been a satisfied consumer of podcasts, newsletters, online courses, and Internet workshops. But I don’t need exaggerated hype to attract me. I’m interested in a quality product for a good price.

My next book will be called Who Moved My Cheese Plate? Order today and receive a coupon for a total quality, transformational glass of wine.

 

Published on The Huffington Post January 18, 2016

Filling George Gobel’s Shoes

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One of the funniest lines every delivered on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson was in 1969 when four famous men were on the set: Carson, Bob Hope, Dean Martin, and comedian George Gobel. After looking at the three handsome, distinguished men, Gobel said, “Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?”

The audience exploded with laughter, and the scene was included in several anniversary programs. I remember the show, and I miss Johnny Carson.

This week I experienced Gobel’s insecure feelings as a guest on a local television show in Boise, Idaho to discuss the world of blogging. The two lovely co-hosts were gorgeous with exquisite makeup, professionally styled hair, and tailored outfits. The other guest blogger was a young mother who could double for a beautiful fashion model and famous actress. Her name, appropriately, is Brooke. With an E.

I was the fourth one on the set, the Seasoned Older One to balance Young Wonder Woman. In a world of princess gowns, I was a pair of brown flip-flops.

The interview proceeded with a lively exchange between all four of us. Brooke was charming, humorous, and engaging as she detailed the joys and frustrations of beginning a website and blog. Suddenly, she wasn’t so intimidating, and I stopped hating her hair.

Then the host graciously turned to me and mentioned my two national blogging awards. I jumped on the opportunity like a famished lion and explained with great gusto and demonstrative hand gestures how to become a syndicated blogger on sites such as The Huffington Post. The interview ended with a camera shot of three of my books I had strategically placed on the desk. The shine may be off the external chrome, but the engine in the brain still works.

After the television show was taped, we all enjoyed a festive conversation. Brooke was genuinely friendly and asked me for advice on social media, blog content, and how to publish books. I asked her how she managed to start an online business with three small children at home. Due to our pleasant and supportive talk, my George Gobel shoes didn’t seem so ordinary.

I don’t know why older woman are intimidated by younger, polished females. I wouldn’t want to return to my thirties and go through the stress of working in a demanding career, raising children, saving and losing relationships, and maintaining a house full of evolving clutter. Women have much to learn about and from each other, at any age. Instead of being jealous over youthful appearance and vitality, we should celebrate each other more and not be threatened by misconceptions and insecurity. There’s an outside chance the pre-old crowd could think the middle-age group is gloriously free and self-confident. That image is our best reward for dancing around the calendar for so many decades.

It turns out that the beautiful, talented blogger and I have a lot in common. I’m old enough to have a granddaughter named Brooke. With an E.

 

Published on The Huffington Post January 14, 2016

In Defense of Faith

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I recently read excerpts from a website authored by a person who mocks those who are religious or spiritual. The writer repeated the familiar condemnation of religion: it causes war, it’s the opiate of the masses, there isn’t some all-powerful giant sitting on a cloud causing calamity or salvation, and only the uneducated believe in a higher power. Apparently, the writer thinks he’s wiser than billions of people throughout the centuries who have worshiped and believed in God, a Higher Power, or various deities.

I’ve read several versions of the agnostic and atheist philosophies, and I’d like to offer a personal perspective. I’m a college graduate, and I’ve traveled to 32 countries around the world. I’ve watched a numerology service at a Chinese Sanctuary in Hong Kong. I’ve toured the massive, inspiring Alhambra Palace in Grenada, Spain which was rebuilt in 1333 for Islamic leaders. I wept in silence at the Dachau Concentration Camp outside Munich, Germany and offered prayers for the Jewish people. I’ve walked into the tombs in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt and learned about the hieroglyphics that depicted their various gods. I walked to a Hindu Temple on a hill overlooking Kathmandu, Nepal and spun the prayer wheels. I observed devoted worshipers offering fresh fruit to the Jade Buddha at a temple in Thailand. I hiked with a group of women across the Haleakala Crater in Maui, Hawaii and honored the Goddess Pele. I listened to Zulu guides chant around a campfire while on safari in South Africa. I stood in a two-hour Latin Mass in the Duomo in Florence, Italy and felt the Spirit of God wash over me. Through these travels, I’ve learned to respect the spiritual beliefs of other cultures and to solidify my own. I know, without a doubt, my redeemer lives.

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Music can be proof of a higher power. As a child, I sang in the church choir and loved singing the expanded “Gloria” portion in the song “Angels We Have Heard on High.” That experience began my lifelong love affair with music. In college, I sang in a concert choir that toured Europe. We performed in cathedrals in six countries, and our last concert was in the ornate American Cathedral in Paris, France. The acoustics amplified the harmonious sound, and at the end of the final song every choir member was in tears. I’ll never forget that profound spiritual experience.

I believe “The Messiah” is the greatest piece of music ever written. In 1741, George Handel wrote by hand the 259-page masterpiece in only 24 days. It’s recorded that he was crying while writing the final “Hallelujah Chorus” and said, “I saw heaven open and saw the very face of God.” How else could he have accomplished such an enormous and lasting gift to the world without being filled and inspired by the Holy Spirit?

As my mother lay dying, I played her favorite spiritual songs from Tennessee Ernie Ford. She had been unresponsive in a coma for several days, but as I held her hand I felt a slight reaction when Ford sang “Peace in the Valley.” I believe the movement wasn’t an involuntary reaction but a spiritual release from a tired but faithful soul. She died several hours later.

I don’t endorse any one religion, but I strongly believe there is a higher power called God, and humans have a need for spirituality. God doesn’t cause war and hatred; people do. The God I worship teaches us to love one another, forgive each other, and show mercy and kindness to those less fortunate. People in organized religions and cults have distorted the message to their own corrupt rules, foolish agenda, and evil purposes.

I’m skeptical when I read that “God saved the child from a horrible accident,” or “God cured the woman’s cancer.” Does this mean God didn’t care about those who died in accidents or suffered from terminal diseases? God is not a fairy godmother dispensing magical surprises. My God’s magnificent omnipotence surpasses our mortal, earthly concept of humanity and gender, and I believe God is not limited to “Our Father” because God is everything – male, female, and spirit.

I suggest that the writer of the blasphemous website do more research, travel to foreign spiritual areas, and become less critical of other’s beliefs. I have faith that someday he will feel the spirit and at least begin to wonder about peace in the valley.

 

 

(Published on The Huffington Post Religion Page Jan. 6, 2016)

Toffee and the Seven Deadly Sins

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Brown sugar, pecans, chocolate, and butter are simple ingredients but when combined, heated, and transformed into candy, they have the power to turn me to the dark side. I am helpless to fight the seduction of toffee. I think the delicious treat is the work of the devil exemplified through the Seven Deadly Sins.

  1. Greed. The sweet confection makes me a greedy, cheating hoarder. A neighbor gave me a can of Almond Roca, and I immediately hid it so my husband or children couldn’t enjoy a single piece. I don’t care. It’s all mine, mine, mine.
  1. Gluttony. Toffee leads me into temptation. I cannot have one piece. I will stand until my feet spread and consume an entire batch and not stop to breathe until I have licked every morsel from the platter. I’m not proud of this fact.
  1. Lust. I’m addicted to exquisitely-crafted homemade toffee. However, on days of desperation, I’ll settle for a mediocre sample from a truck stop, the kind that is too brittle or stale. I crave the taste, and I want more. Now.
  1. Envy. I can’t pass a candy store without gazing in the window and slobbering over festive trays of caramels covered with chocolate and nuts. I’m jealous of people buying and tasting toffee that should belong to me.
  1. Anger. I’m equally mad about two issues: when the toffee is gone and when I step on the scale and see that eating all that gooey goodness makes me weigh the same as a compact car. I’m far over the weight I was decades ago at nine-months pregnant when I wailed about my rotund girth before giving birth.
  1. Pride. I’ll labor for hours to create the perfect recipe for almond toffee. Then I’ll post photos on every social media platform to let the world know that I did it and I’m going to eat it. Ha!
  1. Sloth. After waddling through decades of tasting toffee, it’s apparent that I’m as lethargic as a bowl of thick butter on a humid afternoon. Especially during the holidays, toffee saps my energy, and all I want to do is sit in a dark room and chew. Sometimes I pull empty Almond Roca foil wrappers out of the waste basket just to smell them. I’ve taken pathetic to a new level, and I need counseling.

To atone for my many sins, I’ve decided to share and give back to society. In the spirit of generosity, here is my recipe for English Toffee:

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Ingredients:

1 Cup butter

1-1/4 Cups sugar, brown or white

2 Tablespoons water

½ Cup chopped pecans

1 Cup milk chocolate chips

Butter a 10X15 inch pan.

Melt butter in heavy skillet over medium heat and stir with a wooden spoon. Stir in sugar and water. Bring to a boil and add the pecans. Cook, stirring constantly until nuts are toasted and the sugar is dissolved. Pour in the buttered pan. Be sure to lick the spoon. Spread chocolate chips on top. Cool. Break into pieces. Eat half and share the rest.

My New Year’s resolution – again – is to lose weight and be healthier. I will consume fresh vegetables and fruit, exercise, and prepare nutritious meals. Maybe I’ll create a new recipe for zucchini and kale toffee. With enough butter, sugar and nuts, it could be delicious.

 

 

Defending Those Who Protect and Serve

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As a professional writer and award-winning journalist, I’m offering my services for free to the Idaho Statesman. I’ll research and write a feature article describing positive stories about Idaho law enforcement officers. The article must be given three pages, including the lead story on the front page on a Sunday edition. Editor Vicki Gowler, vgowler@idahostatesman.com, can email me at elaine@elaineambrose.com for the assignment.

The Idaho Statesman devoted three pages of yesterday’s Sunday’s paper to a “SPECIAL REPORT” about police “officer-involved deaths on the rise.” For her research, “watchdog” reporter Cynthia Sewell copied information already published on The Guardian’s “The Counted Project,” a website that includes photos and descriptions of people killed by police officers. Two recent photos are of Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik – the evil murderers of the San Bernardino massacre. Personally, I have no problem with those officer-involved shootings. The majority of workers in law enforcement are good people who would appreciate some balanced reporting.

I’ll be waiting for the project.