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Good Advice for Bad Reviews

October 19, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

If I’m feeling a bit too confident and need an instant dose of humility, I read some bad reviews about my latest book Midlife Cabernet. This self-inflicted pain is sure to temporarily destroy my positive attitude and slaughter the pretentious belief that I am a writer. To prevent myself from trading my computer for a clown costume and running away to join the circus, I’ve discovered a convenient technique to overcome the humiliation: Spy on the reviewers.

My book has almost 700 reviews on Amazon.com and Goodreads, and 78% of them are positive. But, I can’t resist peeking at the negative comments. For example, a few months ago Donna gave the book a 1-Star rating out of 5 stars. Here is her review:

“Stunk”

I couldn’t glean any helpful suggestions from this nasty comment, nor did I determine how to please Donna. I investigated her other reviews and noticed she had written only eight comments and had given three 1-star ratings. I decided that Donna is too high-maintenance and doesn’t deserve my sparkling humor.

McNay, a prolific reviewer, also gave the book a 1-star rating and wrote that she returned it for credit because she couldn’t finish reading it. I inspected her biography and noted that she gave 5-star ratings to a digital meat thermometer and a cuticle clipper she had ordered from Amazon.com. I can’t compete with those products.

Ronald Seiberton wrote a terse comment about the book:

“Not that funny”

I discovered that he had written a grand total of three reviews and had given five stars to a book about the Dalai Lama. I have to wonder why he even purchased a copy of Midlife Cabernet.

A reviewer named Cocoa’s Mama gave the book a 2-star rating and wrote, “This book did have it’s humorous moments, but all the five star reviews have me baffled. This book was not at all well written.” I smugly noticed that her review wasn’t well-written either and contained at least three grammatical errors. But, she did give a 5-star review to a reversible puffy vest for dogs.

The reviews on Goodreads were also humbling. Maureen gave the book 1-star rating and wrote:

“I couldn’t force myself to finish this book. It is full of insipid one-liners which are fine for 10 minutes.”

Maureen, please admit I amused you for ten minutes. That’s all I need. I also noted that Maureen gave a 3-star rating to George Orwell’s 1984. So, I’ve got that going for me.

Rhonda LeRay gave the book a 1-star rating, but I noticed she read and liked a book titled, 101 Things to Do with Popcorn. I don’t want Rhonda to like my book.

I began to whimper as I read through more bad reviews. Sheri Slomnick gave it two stars and wrote that she was in her 30s and didn’t find the book as funny as advertised. Sheri, sweetheart, the subtitle is “Life, Love, & Laughter after 50.” Read it again in 20 years and write a better comment.

Finally, a man named Guy gave the book another 1-star ranking. His profile notes that he is a corporate director, merchant banker, and strategic advisor. Perhaps a book titled Midlife Cabernetshouldn’t be included on his must-read list.

I don’t think reviewers realize how devastating a 1-star rating can hurt sales (and feelings.) Was it really that bad? Have they ever written anything beyond a few lines of criticism? There’s only one action to do after wallowing through the condemning, vicious comments. Meekly return to the 5-star reviews and find reasons to live. I linger on this one:

“This book was one of the most funny, endearing books I’ve read.”

The quote is from my friend, but that doesn’t matter. I believe in my heart that she is correct.

Melodies, Memories, and Writing to Music

October 16, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

This weekend at a retreat, I’m conducting a workshop that invites participants to listen to various songs and then spontaneously write using the music as the only prompt. This muse always inspires creative results in a range of emotions from melancholy to stand-up-and-holler joyful.

I’ve used this technique to teach adults and school children. In my collection of vintage books, I have a copy of a children’s book from 1886 titled Please Tell Me A Tale. One story, “Under the Maypole”, has the following lines:

This Mayday morning they will plant the Maypole on the green,

And hang it round with cowslip wreaths and blue bells set between;

With starry thorn, with knotted fern, with chestnut blossoms tall,

And Phil, the bailiff’s son, will bring red roses from the Hall.”

Can’t you just imagine little Phil proudly bringing the roses? The book doesn’t have any illustrations, but children still love to listen to the lyrical stories and imagine the scenes.

I use this example in my writing class for local fourth grade students. Then I follow with an excerpt from a current bestselling children’s book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants. In this particular version, the children rearrange letters on a sign to read:

Please Don’t Fart in a Diaper.”

Laughter ensues, but it causes me to doubt the evolution of children’s literature over the last 125 years.

To inspire the students to write, I play a variety of musical selections. We begin with “No Blue Thing” by Ray Lunch. I instruct the children to close their eyes, listen to the music, and then write anything that the music inspires. The responses always are delightful.

“I’m running through the tall grass through a cloud of butterflies,” is a typical comment.

Then I play “Circle of Life” from the Lion King Soundtrack. Their expressions change as their imaginations play with the music. We then discuss how the music prompted images and thoughts. They are instructed to write what they envision.

For the remainder of the class, I play a variety of other songs, but I always end with the same two selections. “Adagio for Strings” by Samual Barber typically elicits strong emotions, even among the teachers. Once at Garfield Elementary, after the song a shy, little boy in the back of the room timidly raised his hand. “I see blue tears flowing down my wall,” he said. “Write about that,” was my response. He seemed pleased.

The session ends with the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah. Often, most of the students will sit taller and smile wider as they listen with their eyes closed. The song prompts comments such as, “I fought the dragon, and I won!”

The class can be used for early grades, too. Even if children can’t yet write, they can talk. Many tell how the song helped them to remember happy or sad times. I’ve discovered that even though these children have less than 10 years of life, they have stories. Their responses are unfiltered and honest.

My classes lasts an hour, and I enjoy volunteering my time with the students. It’s my goal that they will use quality music (with an emphasis on quality) to inspire the muse within them. I want to challenge young people to temporarily laugh about Professor Poopypants but to wonder and write about characters as rich and provocative as Phil, the bailiff’s son. No batteries required.

Once Upon a Time: The Stories that Surround Us

October 3, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

Recently I was playing with a gaggle of giggling granddaughters. We were telling stories, and they squealed with delight at each silly suggestion in our creative plot as “Once upon a time….” encouraged them to imagine without restriction.

“And then the princess turned into a beautiful butterfly.”

“She waved her magic wand and poof! There was a purple horse with wings!”

“The little girl fell down a long tunnel and landed in a big meadow. She could understand what the animals were saying.”

Of course, the pretend princesses always survived their adventures and the endings always were happy, except for the conclusion in the Fable of the Farting Princess, but by then it was time to take a break. Such is storytelling with children.

Every day, we are surrounded by potential stories. Those of us who can still remember the 1960s can’t forget the lyrics of Simon and Garfunkel’s song “America” as the couple turns ordinary situations into imaginary stories:

“Laughing on the bus, playing games with the faces.
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy.
I said, “Be careful his bowtie is really a camera.”

If you need inspiration to write, you should go sit in the park. Observe a happy family playing and laughing, and then allow your imagination to wander. Who is that dark stranger slowly driving around the park? Why is the woman yelling into her cell phone? Did you see the lonely custodian laughing as he went down the slide? Is the little boy really talking to a squirrel?

You can find story ideas while waiting at stop lights. The obnoxious guys in the noisy car next to you are certain to be smuggling something illegal. The old woman ahead of you must be on her way to her best friend’s funeral. That’s why she’s driving so slowly. Her friend’s name is Erma, and they used to process jars of pickles together in Erma’s farmhouse kitchen. The old woman craves a fresh tomato.

I also use newspaper headlines to create short stories. The Idahoan Who Speaks for U.S. Sheep Industry.” So, what do the sheep have her say? Do they have a meeting in the pasture and discuss issues over bowls of fresh grass and pitchers of water from the canal? N.Y. Pet Cemeteries Told to Stop Taking in Humans. Will Fifi really care? The old dog’s been dead for 20 years. And, what if those really aren’t Fifi’s ashes?

Every day presents an adventure waiting to be told. The real ending can’t be controlled, but with enough creativity and imagination, writers can add some festive, mysterious, tragic, inspirational, and amazing elements to make the journey less mundane. After all, it’s what we do. We are storytellers.

(Featured on NanaHood.com 10/1/2015)

Need a Cheap Laugh?

October 2, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

The world can be a horrible, nasty, rotten place. You can get away from it all and have some giggles with this e-book on sale for only $.99. Drinking with Dead Women Writers E-Book by fearless authors Elaine Ambrose and AK Turner is on sale on Amazon.com for one week beginning October 2. The original price was $2.99, so act fast because the deal ends next Friday. The book received three awards from the Idaho Book Awards: Top Author, Fiction, and Cover Design.

Follow this link to buy the e-book and share laughter and libations with literary ladies. The authors make you believe they shared drinks and stories with 16 authors, including Dorothy Parker, Erma Bombeck, Louisa May Alcott, and Emily Dickinson. Discover fascinating facts, such as Jane Austen’s original title for Sense and Sensibility was Elinor and Marianne. The book was reviewed as “a fantastical romp through literature and drink.” Buy it now. Laugh soon. Erma Bombeck would approve.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007VTRU06/ref=series_rw_dp_sw

Don’t Name the Shooter

October 1, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

Eric Harris. Dylan Klebold, Adam Lanza. James Holmes. They’re famous. Google their names and instantly retrieve pages of references, links, and related articles. Their victims don’t have the same prominence. They’re dead and gone.

In my opinion, it’s time for the media and law enforcement officials to agree not to name the alleged or convicted shooters involved in mass killings. Deny them the notoriety they crave and maybe prevent future copycat killers. I suggest that any mass killer be identified as Asshole Murderer.

According to University of Alabama criminologist Adam Lankford, fame is revered as an end unto itself. “Some mass shooters succumb to terrible delusions of grandeur and seek fame and glory through killing,” he was quoted in an article in The Los Angeles Times.

He noted that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the perpetrators of the April 1999 shootings at Columbine High School, both illustrate and feed such delusions. They both sought fame and gained infamy by their actions, and their example has been cited as inspiration by school shooters since, in Germany, Argentina, Finland and Canada.

Adam Lanza is famous for his horrific crime of murdering 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Can anyone beyond the town name even one of the victims?

During his trial, the media continued to show the distorted face of James Holmes. He was found guilty of killing 12 people and injuring 58 others in the Century 16 movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. Why do we need to see his face or hear his name? Lock him away and focus on the names and lives of those who were murdered.

Right now, we don’t know much about the young man who entered a classroom today at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon, and systematically murdered at least 13 students and injured several others. Let’s keep it that way. Initial reports say that he posted a warning on social media. Only a sick, evil person would premeditate and publicize such a horrendous act. He is not worthy of having an identity. He is nothing.

I’ll leave it to the mental health professionals and other officials to assess and create programs to identify and treat mentally ill people. And, I refuse to engage in the no-win gun control debate. Thousands of shootings occur in gun-free zones. Chicago, Illinois, for example, has tough gun-control laws yet there have been 2,326 shooting victims in Chicago so far this year. Murderers don’t obey the law.

For now, don’t read or repeat the names of the murderers. Remove their wicked memory from humanity. Instead, send condolences and prayers to the victims and families of today’s senseless tragedy.

Help Stop Wimpy Parent Syndrome

September 29, 2015 By Elaine Ambrose

I’ve been embarrassing my children for more than 30 years. They now are happy young adults with loving spouses, adorable children and rewarding careers. Obviously, my strategy worked.

Throughout their childhood, I didn’t worry about harming their delicate self-esteem. Nor did I hover over their every action, schedule daily enrichment activities, make them eat kale, or ensure their socks matched. Instead, I created chaos and commotion just to motivate them to find peace and create order in their lives. I’m altruistic like that.

Children today are so pampered that some timid parents will become marooned in a horrifying, never-ending reality show if they don’t stop appeasing and indulging their tiny terrors. News flash to those afflicted with Wimpy Parent Syndrome: Your Kid Isn’t a Child Pharaoh. To toughen kids for real life, bewildered parents should halt most organized activities and throw in these handy tips to challenge their children’s self-confidence and encourage self-reliance.

1. Criticize their artwork. If your first-grader comes home with a hand-drawn picture, be sure to say that the tree looks like a spider and the sun should be more round. Then throw it away. Maybe she’ll try harder.

2. Show favoritism. Is the older child has an attractive project, be sure to tape it to the refrigerator for months and often mention the talent to the younger one. Give the older child extra dessert.

3. Exhibit lazy behavior. Stay in bed on Saturday morning and tell them to make their own damn pancakes. This is how children learn responsibility and cooking skills.

4. Take your own time-out. If the children are throwing a fit in the car, pull over to the side, turn off the engine, lean back, and close your eyes. Say, “Mommy is going away for a while.” Then chant in a foreign language for 10 minutes. They’ll be too traumatized to make noise.

5. Condemn their friends. Be sure to mock their friend’s silly habits. And when your teenager has a basement full of rowdy kids, walk in wearing a clown nose, belch loudly, and walk out. This instills a fear in your child that never goes away.

6. Cry when you meet your child’s first date. Sob into a towel, run into your room, and slam the door. This action will test their patience, strengthen their loyalty to each other, and promote tolerance.

7. Threaten them, if necessary. If your high school senior won’t write thank you notes for graduation presents, threaten to publish an announcement on social media that your child is too lazy and ungrateful to appreciate gifts now or in the future.

8. Bribery works. That hellhole of a bedroom won’t get clean on its own. Hide a $10 bill somewhere in the room and tell them to tidy and organize everything to find it. Substitute a $20 bill for particularly egregious cases that harbor toxic diseases. If they demand more money, tell them to move out and find an apartment.

Finally, remember that children can sense an easy target. If mommy and daddy are too weak and delicate to assume their strong but loving roles as parents, the kids will rule the house before the youngest is out of diapers and could stay in diapers for ten years. Parents can reverse this pending disaster by starting now to embarrass their children on a regular basis so the kids find the courage to grow up, move out, and prove themselves.

Help stop Wimpy Parent Syndrome. Go buy a clown nose. You can thank me later.

(Featured on The Huffington Post Comedy page Sept. 29, 2015)

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