Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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How to Tell an Enchanting Story

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storyteller

“Please tell me a made-up story, Tutu,” my wee granddaughter begs as I close her picture book and tuck her into bed. I mentally scramble for an image and suddenly a little old lady pops into my imagination.

“Here’s one,” I say, much to her delight. Then I begin the spontaneous tale of a sad older lady who needs an adventure. I toss in the ability to fly and to find magical meadows full of talking birds. It always helps to include at least one princess, a nasty troll, and a few immature bodily noises. For a successful story that pleases the most discerning child, I rely upon past experience: A flying princess, yes. Dead puppies, no.

storyteller doll 2

I have a small collection of ceramic storytellers crafted in Peru and New Mexico. They represent the South American and Native American Indian tradition of using oral stories as a teaching tool for younger generations. The figurines depict a centered, nurturing, and powerful woman who inspires children with lessons and stories about their culture. Back before the intrusion of electronics, women told stories to their children, and it was a privilege to do the same for my children and now my grandkids. Sometimes I need to think fast to create the story, but it works best if I make it enchanting.

storyteller doll 3

For the novice entertainer, here are eight tips for how to tell an enchanting story.

  1. Begin with a provocative set-up. One day a (pick one) little girl, puppy, mother, King woke up and discovered that no one was home.
  2. Explain how something happens, either to the main character or the environment. She searched in all the rooms but no one was there. On the kitchen table, she saw a bright red arrow pointing to the back yard.
  3. In one or two sentences, tell how the plot thickens. The stakes are raised when tension appears: She peeked out the window and saw a (pick one) fairy, pony, rainbow, salesman, monster.
  4. Mentally analyze the reaction of the audience and adjust accordingly. If the listeners aren’t engaged by this time, strengthen the narrative. She was (pick one) afraid, surprised, happy, shy, vomiting.
  5. Build a vision of a scene that involves the senses: sight, sound, taste, vision, and touch. The door creaked as she opened it and tiptoed barefoot in her calico gown into the cool grass. She felt a gentle breeze toss her red hair, and the air smelled of mint and oranges.
  6. Weave a climax that produces an “aha” moment for the audience. Suddenly her family appeared with gifts for her surprise party. Or, if you’re feeling more creative, she followed a cluster of chaotic clowns as they scampered over a rainbow into a secret castle full of toys and sugar cookies.
  7. End when the story is resolved. It was the perfect surprise party. Or, she loved her imaginary friends and promised to join them again another day. Or, she scurried home to read adventure books and plan her next excursion.
  8. Record your story. To improve your storytelling abilities, record yourself reciting an original fable. You may notice you speak too quickly or say “um” too many times. Also, a recording creates a fun gift to present to your children or grandchildren.

Some people are born to be storytellers, and their yarns and tall tales aren’t limited to children. They often regale adults with their creative narrations, and a friendly bar or boisterous camping trip only intensifies the renditions. Well-told accounts can enrich the imagination of children and entertain adults. As an added benefit, the regular practice keeps the brain energized so you’re ready any time a small voice begs, “Please, tell me a story.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dilemma of the Dead Waitress

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farmhouse sign

My mother once owned Farmhouse Restaurant, an unpretentious diner outside of Wendell, Idaho. Travelers came from across the country to enjoy platters of chicken-fried steak, real mashed potatoes, monstrous loaves of Basque bread, a salad bar heaped with local produce, and a tempting selection of fresh pies. The eatery was voted “Best Road Food in America” in a 1996 nationwide survey of truck stops. Major media carried the story and NBC news anchor Tom Brokaw vowed to stop by during an Idaho vacation. The media referred to Mom as “jolly.”

basque bread farmhouse

I have a true story about the restaurant that only a few people know. One summer night, an hour before closing, one of the waitresses sat in a booth and died.

My teenage daughter, Mom, and I were eating a late dinner at the restaurant and noticed that our waitress hadn’t appeared for a while. She was a gentle widow in her late sixties and worked a few hours during the week to supplement her Social Security income. I got up to investigate and found her slumped in a back corner booth, her hands still surrounding a coffee cup. She was dead. This wasn’t a good scenario to have in a busy family restaurant.

I quietly alerted the restaurant manager to call the police and signaled for my daughter to join me. I explained the dilemma of the dead waitress and we began to clear the tables and inform customers we were closing early. We told the stragglers that it was a surprise promotion and their meals would be free. They left happy and never knew about the body in the corner booth.

We almost succeeded in clearing the restaurant when one of the other waitresses began to wail loudly. She had discovered her deceased friend and didn’t care that other patrons were gobbling their last bites of free pie. My mother escorted the sobbing woman into the kitchen while my daughter and I cajoled the diners and explained that one of the staff unexpectedly had left early. That was the truth.

The police arrived and everyone assumed they were coming for a late snack. Soon the restaurant was empty except for the officers, the coroner, the sad waitress, the manager, and us.

“Looks like a heart attack,” the coroner said as they gently lifted the body onto a gurney. “How about some of that fresh berry pie to go?”

pie

We boxed up pieces of pie for the officers and coroner and closed the restaurant. Then we sat and stared at the empty booth. The coffee cup remained on the table.

The coroner’s report indicated the waitress died from a sudden heart attack. For some dark humor, we agreed it was fortunate she wasn’t carrying a tray of food at the time. Everyone was fond of the waitress, and we paid our last respects at her memorial service. Back at the restaurant, we shared pie and coffee and told stories about our friend and about life in the restaurant business. Near closing time, someone left a generous tip next to a bouquet of fresh flowers.

 

How to Turn a Flat Tire into a Fulfilled Speech

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finger puppet 1

Monday evening, I was scheduled to present a motivational speech to an exclusive, private club in Boise. I wiggled into my dress, gathered my notes, and sashayed to my car with 45 minutes to make a 30 minute drive. The tire was flat.

flat tire

I take pride in being independent but there are two chores I refuse to learn: how to change a tire and how to use a chainsaw. There are other people who can do those activities far better than I can. And, everyone knows I would cut off at least one appendage if I ever held anything that involved buzzing sharp edges. I buy Band-Aids in bulk because I’ve been known to slice through skin with a dull butter knife. Chainsaws are for loggers and horror movies.

I glared at the flat tire and calculated my options. My husband was at work 40 minutes away. My adult children were all on vacation. My neighbors were gone, and my town didn’t have a taxi service. I called Uber, but the nearest driver was an hour away. I called the woman who had invited me to speak and left a desperate message of apology on her voice mail. Then I called the private club and left another anxious message. By then, it was time to be at the presentation.

An important rule to know: When all else fails, try Facebook. I went online and issued a global plea for a ride. Instantly, friends responded so I took the closest one. I arrive an hour late to the event, but by then all the guests were on their second glass of wine and feeling quite forgiving and jovial. They laughed with me before my first joke, and that’s when I knew all would be okay.

I always carry finger puppets because I use them in speeches and workshops. It’s great fun to cause stuffy engineers to turn into silly schoolboys singing rounds while using finger puppets. My best gimmick is to use finger puppets to transfer hostile, negative thoughts and invite charming, positive encouragement. These cheap but powerful puppets are available in bulk at party stores, and I advise people to keep a few at their desks or in their car.

So, I stood before the group with Monster Puppet telling me in one ear that I was a loser and no one would ever ask me to speak again. Queen Puppet responded with positive affirmations that shit happens and I glow brighter than the morning sun. The banter continued until Monster Puppet ultimately was vanquished. The speech moved into my prepared remarks and ended with applause. Merriment and more drinks ensued.

I begged a ride home and made plans to contact the tire dealer. As I prepared for bed, Monster Puppet snarled that I should learn how to change a tire. Queen Puppet suddenly appeared with a chainsaw and chopped off his head. Unfortunately, my finger is cut again.

 

How to Publish a Book, Lose Weight, and Find True Love

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books lightbulbs

One day you wake and realize you’re an indolent cynic so you decide to close the box of donuts, get out of the bathrobe, and do something with your life. This can be difficult if you’ve never ventured beyond the corner bakery. If you’re committed to accomplishing a few big ticket items, here are some suggestions to try before you melt into a unused puddle of mush.

Publishing a book will challenge your brain. Start with a sizzling idea and a word processing program, and you can have a book written and published in four months. Allocate several hours a day to write and focus on your project. Aim for 2,000 words a day, every day and you’ll have 14,000 words in a week, 56,000 words in a month. After two months, you should have 112,000 words. Hire a professional editor to cut out the bad parts (expected to toss 60,000 words) and polish the manuscript. Then ask a few beta readers to critique the manuscript and adjust as necessary.

While the editor is working, hire a professional graphic artist to design a cover. Get some quotes from the most famous people you know to include on the back cover. Establish your own publishing company, register it with the state, buy an ISBN number and a bar code, write your publishers page, dedication, and acknowledgements, and have the graphic artist format the manuscript for publication as a paperback and an e-book. Research online resources for complete details.

Set up an account with a book publishing company, such as CreateSpace. Submit the cover and manuscript and wait for them to upload your book to amazon.com. Then order a proof copy, read it thoroughly, email any edits, order another proof, if necessary, and then push the “publish” button. You’ll have your book in a few weeks. Total cost, depending on expenses for graphic design, editors, and the number of pages, could be around $4 per book so set your price accordingly. Then the work begins as you market and promote your work. The odds are against you. According to a story in the New York Times, most self-published books sell fewer than 150 copies. But you’ll have produced something not many people have finished, and you’ll have gifts for several decades.

chubby lady belly

Losing weight is easy. Eat small amounts of healthy, organic food and exercise daily. I really wish I could do that. Being sporadically disciplined over the years, I’ve repeatedly lost and regained the weight of a Buick.

fat cupid

Finding true love is difficult but not impossible. You can’t rush or plan it, but don’t panic. Sometimes it takes half a century to get it right, but don’t give up or settle for less than you deserve. Trust me.

So, now you have some ideas for what to do with the rest of your life. After you achieve your first worthy goals, gleefully choose other projects: volunteer at a worthy local charity, run for office, travel to a secluded yoga retreat, or take piano lessons. You may have unleashed your dormant, inner warrior. And if you still crave donuts, take a few boxes to share with a youth group or senior citizen facility. Compassion cuts the calories.

How to Pack Light for a Conference in New York

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new york skyline

 

All day I’ve been crooning my inner Sinatra: “Start spreading the news. I’m leaving today…New York, New York!” For a farm girl from Wendell, Idaho, going alone to the Big Apple is 85% exciting and 20% terrifying. (I’m not good with math.)

I’ll be attending BlogHer 15, the world’s largest conference for women content creators. The three-day event is sponsored by SheKnows Media and attracts thousands of national and international bloggers. This year, I will be recognized as one of the “Voices of the Year” winners because of a post I wrote about my late mother. The honor is bittersweet.voice of the year badge

I love to travel and have a few tips to make the experience less stressful.

  1. Start with quality luggage. I’ve visited 32 countries around the world with my 15-year-old Hartmann pieces. They are tough, easy to transport, hold a week’s worth of clothes, and qualify as carry-on luggage. I put my purse inside the top bag.

Hartmann luggage

  1. Take only comfortable, fashionable, washable, wrinkle-resistant fabrics that can be rolled. Prepare for the first travel day with an emphasis on ease and comfort. It will take at least 10 hours to go from my home in Idaho to the Hilton in NYC, so I’m wearing sensible black Capris with a snappy shirt and a colorful jacket.

dress blogher pants3.  Pack at least one “hot” outfit with color. For Friday’s award reception, I chose a bright, burnt-orange sundress with bedazzled scarf. I coordinated jewelry and will use some of the same pieces several times.

dress blogher

 

  1. Include a black sweater because it travels and photographs well. Wear it over a simple dress for a professional look.

dress blogher blue

  1. Don’t be afraid to try something out of your comfort zone. I’m taking a sharp black and white dress that I’ll wear over leggings. It’s a new look for me.

dress blogher leggings

  1. Remember the essentials: a Mophie battery pack will charge Ipad and Iphone, and use a resistance band to exercise in your room so you can have wine and pie with dinner. I hand out bookmarks instead of business cards, and I organize a file with separate compartments for airline schedules, hotel reservations, and the daily conference itinerary.

dress blogher batteryblogher bookmarks

 

 

  1. As a present to myself, I’m going to the Broadway production of Carole King’s musical, “Beautiful.” I’ll wear a black, sheath dress with bling and a fringed scarf. I’ll rely on Uber car service to take me to and from the theatre.

dress blogher black

  1. I only take three pairs of shoes: I wear one and pack two. I don’t take high heels because they hurt my feet, and I don’t take tennis shoes because they’re too bulky.
  2. Use only enough toiletries and medications to last for the time you’re there. Keep jewelry simple and interchange pieces.
  3. Pack an extra tote bag to bring back purchases, conference materials, and swag. Then check one bag coming home.
  4. Expect to learn new skills, meet new friends, and connect with valuable associates.

I always return energized after attending a conference either as a participant or as a speaker. The experience keeps the brain working, and at my age, that’s a definite advantage.

 

The Joys of Traveling with Children (Over Age 30)

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(Published on VagabondingwithKids July 1, 2015)
cabo family
Here’s a little levity on the downside of traveling with kids and how best to lie to them when the situation calls for it. This guest piece from Elaine Ambrose originally appeared at The Huffington Post.
If given the choice between traveling with small children and having a root canal, I’d be at the dentist office sucking laughing gas before noon. I adore kids but the logistics of getting them more than 100 miles is too much to endure unless they can be shipped like golf clubs or crated like pets.

After my baby filled his diapers with an adult-strength load during takeoff on a three-hour flight, I finally realized there was no reason to ever travel with youngsters. At least not in the same airplane.

Children under five years old don’t know what a vacation is, so tell them that the city park is just like Disneyland except without grinning pirates shooting guns, drinking booze, and chasing women on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Better yet, turn on the sprinklers in the backyard, sit down with a glass of wine, and watch the little darlings giggle and wiggle until they’re tired enough for a nap. Then invite your hubby to swill some whiskey and chase you around the yard. Yo ho ho! Everyone will be happy and you’ll save thousands of dollars. This is a win-win situation.

Traveling with little children requires parents to lie in order to survive the ordeal. Here are a few of my desperate but necessary distortions of the truth I coughed up while attempting to orchestrate the illusive perfect family vacation when my kids were under ten years old.

Driving in rush-hour traffic near Disneyland.

“Of course, it’s okay to pee into a potato chip can, Honey, because it’s against the law to get off the freeways in Los Angeles.”

Trapped at the airport during another flight delay.

“Please stop whining and you can have a new puppy/pony/playhouse if we get home before you’re in high school.”

After four hours of driving through a desolate desert.

“Stop hitting your brother/sister or I will park this car right now and we’ll live off the land and eat scorpions until you can learn to behave.”

After two hours of “Are we there yet?” and “How much longer?”

“Sorry, kids. Mommy is going away for a while.” Then I would pull over, stop, and play dead. Worked every time.

I still mutter like a curmudgeon when I see young parents in airports juggling a small mountain of luggage that includes diapers, food, enormous strollers, DVD players, toys, and clothes that could stock a child care center. My ancestors walked for months to Idaho along the Oregon Trail, and their kids and clothes were bathed once a week in the river, air-dried on a log, and stored in the wagon for the day’s journey. They survived just fine.

Imagine if any pioneer child had complained:

“Pa, the wagon’s too bumpy!”

“Hush, Child, and go trap a rabbit, skin it, and help your Ma make dinner. We’re walking ten miles tomorrow.”

The first time I saw the movie The Sound of Music I yelled “Fraud!” at the end as the family climbed over the Alps singing in perfect harmony in clean clothes. When my kids were little, we couldn’t walk from the house to the car without someone falling headfirst into a mud puddle. And forget about taking a hike together. Any incline more than two inches would cause howls of dismay with repeated pleas to be carried. And that’s when they were teenagers! But, in deference to the movie, if evil Nazis were chasing us, we would manage to escape together, with or without matching lederhosen.

One splendid advantage of getting older is that family trips are easier and less hectic. My kids are in their thirties and have their own children to handle, so I just need to pack yoga pants, t-shirts, and a wine opener. We recently traveled with 11 family members on a week-long vacation. I was overjoyed to play with the grandkids and sing songs and tell stories. Then came Happy Hour and their parents could take over. As they walked away with the boisterous brood, I overheard one of my adult children say, “Stop hitting your sister or we’ll go live in the desert and eat scorpions until you learn to behave.” My work here is done.