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Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Menopause Sucks Less – 14 Years Later

August 8, 2022 By Elaine Ambrose

My daughter and son assisted with the premiere party for “Menopause Sucks” on August 8, 2008.

 

Menopause Sucks premiered in Eagle, Idaho on August 8, 2008. The event remains one of the highlights of my long and festive life.

I was divorced, and my son and daughter helped me organize the premiere party at Seasons Restaurant (now known as Bacquet’s French Restaurant.) My 15-month-old granddaughter attended as a special guest. I worked on the final edits of the manuscript while waiting for her to be born.

Prior to Menopause Sucks, I had written and published The Red Tease – A Woman’s Adventures in Golf and two children’s books. The Red Tease won the bronze medal for humor from the Foreword INDIES Book of the Year program, and the award helped me obtain a literary agent.

My agent, Andrea Hurst, secured my contract with Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, for me to coauthor Menopause Sucks with bestselling author Joanne Kimes. We worked on the manuscript for several months, sending chapters back and forth, and laughing at every exaggerated description. We included factual information approved by medical professionals and added our own creative humor. We never met in person. The book continues to sell in paperback and eBook formats.

Publisher’s Author Photo

Here are some excerpts from Menopause Sucks.

“Warning: Over 38 million women are going through menopause, and some of them are really irritated. If you’re one of them, you know that it’s a crying shame that you could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. To understand what is happening to your mind and body, just put down that shotgun and find a cool spot to read the book Menopause Sucks by menopausal maniac Elaine Ambrose. You’ll find answers and laughs as you learn about hot flashes, incontinence, hair loss, age spots, flatulence, mood swings, and hot sex after forty. This isn’t your mother’s medical manual.”

“While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges. For the most part, every single symptom of menopause is caused by one reason, and one reason alone: hormones. It seems that your body makes several different kinds of hormones that love to cavort through your body and play havoc with your sanity. Two major players are called estrogen and progesterone. In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!” As with most power-hungry rascals, estrogen likes to change the rules every now and then just to confuse you.”

“As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.”

“It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat.”

My son managed the sales at the premiere party.

Since 2008, I’ve written or published 18 more books, moved six times, and met a cute guy I call Studley. Due to a recent heart attack, my projects have been postponed, but ideas for future books continue to swirl in my brain and beg to be written. The proposed title of my next humor book is Midlife Reboot – Stories of Revival.

 

Reading excerpts from “Menopause Sucks”

 

 

 

 

 

Friends from college and work attended the premiere party.
My 15-month-old grandbabe was an honored guest at the party.

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog, books, events Tagged With: #author, #book signing, #family, #humor, #menopause, anthology, book awards, premiere party, publishing

RUPTURE – A Short Story in Five Scenes

July 9, 2021 By Elaine Ambrose

1.

Julia was ten years old when her mother smacked her over the head with a tube of Pillsbury refrigerator biscuits. The can ruptured and eight Southern Homestyle clumps of molded dough wiggled from her brown hair onto the floor.

“Aha!” exclaimed her mother as she picked up the dough and arranged the raw biscuits on a cookie sheet. “That’s how you open these pesky cans.”

Helen had followed directions on the package, removed the label, and pressed the appropriate line with a spoon. Nothing happened. She twisted, pulled, added colorful language, and slammed the cardboard roll onto the counter. The stubborn tube refused to break.

With incredible bad timing, Julia happened to run into the kitchen and demand something to eat. That’s when her resourceful mother decided Julia’s head presented the perfect solution to the family’s dinnertime dilemma.

“Ouch!” yelled Julia, rubbing her head. “Why did you do that?”

“So you’ll have something to eat,” her mother responded as she slid the pan into the oven. “Dinner will be ready soon.”

Helen glanced in the mirror to straighten her skirt and smooth her frizzy blonde hair.

Julia made a mental note never again to demand food, especially from her mother. She knew none of her friends had mothers who would smack them in the head with a can of dough. They were lucky.

2. 

Dinner commenced when her dad Hank, a big man with gnarled hands, and her two older brothers James and Teddy, skinny boys with shaggy brown hair and freckles, tumbled into the kitchen after working all day on the farm. After a quick wash in the kitchen sink, they sat down as Julia’s mother scurried to bring a platter of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, a bowl of green bean casserole, and a basket of biscuits with butter.

“These biscuits aren’t homemade,” mumbled Hank, washing down the warm bread with a large glass of milk.

“Didn’t have time to bake from scratch today,” Helen said, trying not to sound defensive. “The hose in the garden ruptured and almost ruined my carrots. I had to repair the hose and replant some vegetables.”

Hank grunted, so James and Teddy grunted, too. Julia watched in silence as the family finished the meal, all of them sopping the potatoes with the biscuits. Her head still hurt.

After dinner, Helen and Julia remained in the kitchen to wash the dishes while her father and brothers retired to sit outside on the porch. Julia could see a dim red glow as her father took a drag on his cigarette, followed by the usual coughing and spitting.

“Why does he still smoke?” Julia asked, stacking a dish in the drainer.

“He’ll cut back once the harvest is finished,” Helen replied. “You know it’s a stressful time.”

“I’m having a stressful time, and I don’t smoke,” Julia said. “I’d rather kick something or holler outside. Maybe I could smack someone with a can of biscuits.”

Julia glanced to her side and noticed her mother biting her lip.

“Someday you’ll be blessed with a family, and you’ll understand,” Helen said with a tone of voice more weary than usual. “I’m sorry about your head. But it came in handy.”

They both laughed and finished the dishes.

3.

The next morning, Hank pounded on Julia’s bedroom door. “Get up,” he called. “We need your help today to finish the potato harvest.”

Julia pulled on her work clothes and boots and joined the family in the kitchen. Breakfast was simple: hotcakes and bacon. In the hurry to go to work, James knocked the plastic syrup bottle onto the floor, and Teddy accidentally stopped on it. The bottle ruptured and a gooey mess spread across the room.

“Out!” ordered Helen as she reached for towels to clean the syrup. Julia followed her father and brothers outside to the pickup truck. She glanced back at her mother on her knees wiping the floor. Julia decided she might not want to be blessed with a family.

4.

They worked all day bringing in the last load of potatoes from the back 40 acres. Julia stood on the harvester pulling out weeds while James drove the truck. Her dad and Teddy rode beside the truck to collect the potatoes as they tumbled over the conveyor belt. Twilight cast long shadows over the cellar as Hank shoveled the final pile of dirty potatoes.

Suddenly Hank stopped, clutched his chest, and dropped to the ground. His three children screamed at him to get up, but he wouldn’t move. James ran to the house for his mother. She quickly called for an ambulance and ran to the field with water and a blanket.

Teddy sat on the ground, clutching his knees and rocking. Julia held her father’s large, weathered hand and watched as his chest heaved in spasms until it stopped moving. A deep sigh came from his mouth, and he was gone. She let go of his hand when the paramedics wheeled him away to the ambulance.

“He suffered a ruptured abdominal aneurysm,” the doctor explained later at the hospital. “At least he went quickly. A rupture of this type is common among smokers.”

Helen and her children drove home in silence. Friends and other family members arrived and filled the house with tearful stories, mugs of coffee, and plates of pie. Julia escaped to her room and opened her journal.

“My dad died,” she wrote. “I don’t know how to feel. I hope I remember the sound of his voice.”

5.

A few years later, James left for trade school and Teddy joined the Army. Helen sold the farm and moved into town to work at the library. After graduating from high school, Julia worked for a local veterinarian and saved money to buy a used car. It was a blue Toyota with one red door.

Her mother was sitting on the porch when Julia drove up in the car.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“You’re breaking my heart,” Helen said. “I feel like life has ruptured me into shattered pieces that can’t be mended.”

Julia sat beside her mother. She could stay, but there was no future in the small farming community. In the distance, a mourning dove cooed a simple solo.

“I’ll always carry your strength and goodness,” Julia said. “But I want and need a chance to see what is beyond this place, and I want to go where the road takes me.”

Julia noticed her mother’s hair had become gray and brittle, her hands rippled with veins, and her eyes were tired. Julia’s heart softened.

“Give me your blessing, Mama.”

Helen patted her daughter’s hand. “Go tomorrow,” she said. “You have my blessing, but don’t forget me.”

The next morning, Julia backed the Toyota out of the driveway. Helen stood at the door and waved until the car was out of view. She whispered, “I want to go with you.” Julia didn’t hear her mother’s plea as she turned up the music on the car radio and accelerated toward the freeway.

 

©Elaine Ambrose

(Rejected submission for The Cabin’s anthology, Rupture: Writers in the Attic.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #amwriting, #Cabin Literary Center, #rejection, #short story, anthology, storyteller

The Good Gifts for All Your Angels

November 25, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

Mill Park Publishing of Eagle, Idaho, offers 14 award-winning books, and 7 recent releases are the perfect gifts for the angels and fallen angels in your life. Two books featuring magic potatoes and tall tales will delight your children cherubs, and your angelic friends will be inspired by an anthology of stories about messages from Heaven, or they can get lost in a novel about a mysterious woman in Brazil. Your middle-aged friends who aren’t trying to remain angelic will enjoy the books about midlife humor. These books aren’t fattening and can be reused for several years. Buy these gifts for your friends, and we’ll all be happy!

Children Cherubs
Gators Taters Front Cover jpeg.jpg

Gators & Taters
In paperback, eBook, and
audiobook read by the author

Magic Potato front cover


The Magic Potato
In paperback and eBook

Adult Angels

Print

Angel Bumps
In paperback and eBook

Angel of Esperanza cover.jpg

The Angel of Esperanca
Available in paperback and eBook

Fallen Angels

MHH cover with medals

Midlife Happy Hour
Available in paperback,
eBook, and audiobook
read by the author

midlife cabernet cover 2 medal.jpg

Midlife Cabernet
Available in paperback and eBook

Feisty after 45
In paperback and eBook

The books can be ordered through local bookstores or directly from the publisher, or the books, eBooks, and audiobooks are available online. See www.MillParkPublishing.com for details.

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #children, #Christmas, #holidays, #humor, #Idaho, #midlife, angels, anthology, Brazil, gifts, potatoes, spiritual, Storytelling

Can We Talk About Angels?

September 11, 2017 By Elaine Ambrose

Print

I’ll be speaking about “Angels in Fiction and Nonfiction” at Rediscovered Books during the First Thursday event on October 5 in downtown Boise. The program begins at 7:00 pm and includes a book signing and complimentary appetizers.

After a brief discussion, Mill Park Publishing will premiere a new anthology, Angel Bumps – Hello from Heaven, compiled by Anne Bardsley. The book contains 60 stories submitted by 50 authors from around the country. Local writers with stories in the anthology include Christine Wilcox and Emily Nielsen. Christine and I will read our stories.

Angel-cover-front-back_JUNE_A

Mill Park Publishing also published The Angel of Esperança, a novel by local author Judith McConnell Steele. She also will read an excerpt from her novel. The event is open to the public.

Thursday, October 5, 2017 – 7:00pm to 8:30pm

Angel Bumps – Hello from Heaven – Author Talk

Have you experienced an Angel Bump? A sign could come from the sudden appearance of a butterfly, finding a coin or a feather, hearing a memorable song, having a vivid dream, or feeling the presence of a departed loved one. Fifty writers from around the country share tender stories in this collection that will console anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Each author shares a sign from Heaven that reassured them their loved one is still near in spirit. While people die, love is eternal.

Featuring Local Writers:

Christine Wilcox, VP at Albertsons

Chris Wilcox 2.jpg

Emily Nielsen, owner of Balance Family Fitness and creator of Boise Goat Yoga

emily nielsen (2)

Elaine Ambrose, syndicated blogger, author, and domestic humorist for women over 50.

Judith McConnell Steele, author and poet

judith mcconnell steele

 

Event address:
180 North 8th Street
Boise, ID 83702

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #Boise, angels, anthology, authors, fiction, nonfiction, novel, Rediscovered Books

Premiere Party for “Feisty after 45” is April 22

April 8, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

We have two ads for our premiere party:Feisty JUMP FINAL FINALfeisty ad eagle informer jpeg

Filed Under: blog Tagged With: #midlife, #Mill Park Publishing, anthology, authors, Feisty after 45, JUMP

Premiere Party for “Feisty” April 22 at JUMP

March 11, 2016 By Elaine Ambrose

Feisty JUMP FINAL FINAL

Filed Under: blog, books Tagged With: #humor, #midlife, anthology, new release

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