Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Open House and Virtual Book Premiere Party Nov. 14

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After organizing and hosting more than a dozen public premiere parties for new books, I’m going drive-by and virtual. That means no cake, no readings, no signings, no live music, and no mingling with guests, but we’ll be cautious against the coronavirus. Let’s plan on festive parties in person next year.

Melody’s Magical Flying Machine will be introduced on November 14 through online and Open House options. You can order books and 3-D toys to be mailed, or stop by The Club at SpurWing in Meridian from 2:00 – 4:00 pm to pick up autographed books and toys from me.

Details are on this Eventbrite link:

Melody’s Book Premiere Party.

At the Open House, I’ll have copies of 12 of my books for your holiday and Christmas shopping.

Proceeds from the November 14th event will benefit Special Olympics Idaho.

Menopause Still Sucks after a Dozen Years

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Elaine Ambrose, author, “Menopause Sucks” – 2008

I hosted the premiere party for Menopause Sucks twelve years ago on August 8, 2008 in Eagle, Idaho. I was divorced then, and my children helped me organize the event. The book was cowritten with bestselling author Joanne Kimes, and my literary agent was Andrea Hurst. The publisher was Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster. Since then, I’ve written and/or published 14 more books, two grandbabes were born, I met a guy I call Studley, and we moved to a golf course. Menopause sucks less.

Here are some excerpts from Menopause Sucks.

Warning: Over 38 million women are going through menopause, and some of them are really irritated. If you’re one of them, you know that it’s a crying shame that you could live to be 100 but only twenty of those years come with youthful vigor, shiny hair, smooth skin, multiple orgasms, and a flat stomach. To understand what is happening to your mind and body, just put down that shotgun and find a cool spot to read the book Menopause Sucks by menopausal maniac Elaine Ambrose. You’ll find answers and laughs as you learn about hot flashes, incontinence, hair loss, age spots, flatulence, mood swings, and hot sex after forty. This isn’t your mother’s medical manual.

While it is better than dying too young, living past forty often comes with unpleasant and bewildering challenges. For the most part, every single symptom of menopause is caused by one reason, and one reason alone: hormones. It seems that your body makes several different kinds of hormones that love to cavort through your body and play havoc with your sanity. Two major players are called estrogen and progesterone. In medical terms, estrogen is produced in your ovaries and acts as a chemical commander in chief, telling your female body what to do. In not-so-medical terms, imagine a teeny tyrant running through your brain yelling, “Grow pubic hair now!” “Ovulate from the left ovary!” or “Make that boob bigger than the other one!” As with most power-hungry rascals, estrogen likes to change the rules every now and then just to confuse you.

As perimenopause begins, your ovaries are tired of taking orders, so they decide to reduce the production of estrogen. “Attention All Sectors. Estrogen is leaving the body. Farewell party at noon in the pituitary gland.” Then all hell breaks loose and you start to experience symptoms of perimenopause. The fact that you live through this chaos is definite proof of your magnificence. A lesser species would have become extinct millions of years ago.

It’s a rather cruel trick of nature that you could be raising teenagers and caring for aging parents while your Generalissimo Estrogen is barking orders at your female parts, your Busy Bee Progesterones are frantically fixing up the uterus for the Sperm and Egg Combo, and your Naughty Testosterone is working your libido like a tigress in heat.

Need more sassy information? Read the book! I have some and would love to autograph one and send it to you for only $10. Email me at [email protected].

Which is NOT a Good Mother’s Day Gift?

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turn body into a tree

 

midlife trilogy

Trying to decide the perfect gift for the mother(s) in your life? You could chose a biodegradable urn that will turn into a tree after death. Or, select three bestselling books that will cause laughter. It’s your choice.

Treat the mothers in your life to the Midlife Trilogy Package for only $30.

Save $7.00 on Three Hilarious and Helpful Bestselling Books

Midlife Cabernet won two national humor awards, ranked #1 in humor sales on Amazon.com, and Publishers Weekly reviewed it as “laugh-out-loud funny!”

Feisty after 45 – The Best Blogs from Midlife Women ranked #1 in midlife sales on Amazon.com and features 45 bloggers from across the country and Canada.

Menopause Sucks – This bestseller offers serious facts wrapped in irreverent humor.

 

You can have personalized, autographed copies delivered free to downtown Boise, Meridian and Eagle, or the three books can be mailed for an additional $10.

Offer ends May 5.

Email [email protected] for details

 

MPP Logo Black

Five Fun and (Almost) Free Things to Do

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elaine 2013 (114)

 

It’s already the second week of January. How are those resolutions working for you?  I made it three days without chocolate, so I’m golden for the rest of the month.

If you’re still in the “New Year, New You” mood, here are some hints for five fun, inexpensive activities to do that will improve your life. Try at least two of them before the end of the year.

ghoul

  1. Avoid negative people. You’ll never change them, so why be around them? They will suck out every ounce of energy you have and leave you a depleted shell of wasted humanity. This rule could be awkward if the offensive person is a relative, client, or neighbor, so just reduce the time you spend with them. Delete irritating, bloviating, and whining friends from your social media accounts. This experience is delightful, liberating, and perfectly legal.

mirabel flowers

2. Plant flowers in the spring with a child. Grab a cute kid – grandchildren are perfect for this project – and take them to select some flowers, haul everything into your yard, get dirty, make a mess, laugh, and plant some petunias. If you don’t have a yard, use some inexpensive pots and potting soil in your home or plant flowers at a nearby nursing home. Invite the sweetie pie over for tea parties throughout the summer so you can watch the flowers bloom and grow forever. Hum “Edelweiss,” if necessary.

 

elaine 2013 (113)

3. Explore other times and places that spark your imagination. You won’t need to find your lost passport or endure airport security lines if you find a comfortable chair and a good book. Look through your collection, browse your local bookstore, or schedule a few hours at the public library. I recommend Bel Canto by Ann Patchett, Wild by Cheryl Strayed, Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns, and All the Light You Cannot See by my friend Anthony Doerr.

brooke bubbles 4

  1. Blow bubbles. Watching kids giggle while they blow bubbles is better than any entertainment on television. Bottles are inexpensive from craft stores or you can make your own solution by gently mixing ½ cup water, ½ cup dish soap, and 2 teaspoons of sugar. You’ll need to keep the wands from empty bottles, and it’s best to do this activity outside. It’s okay if you secretly do this by yourself.

cabin wine

  1. Sit still and observe nature. Free: walk to a city park and sit on a bench. Some cost: drive to a nature center or the nearest scenic place. I prefer the mountains. More cost: add a bottle of wine and bring along a good friend/designated driver. Repeat these scenarios as often as possible.

These activities don’t cost much money and you don’t need to download, upload, or charge anything. The only batteries required are in your car. Simple pleasures are usually the best. Have a splendid year.