Elaine Ambrose

Bestselling Author, Ventriloquist, & Humorist

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Elaine Ambrose

The Magic Potato – La Papa Magica

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The Magic PotatoBy Elaine Ambrose
A bilingual color and story book that has been approved by the Idaho State Board of Education for the state-wide curriculum. Hop on the Magic Potato and learn fun and interesting facts about Idaho as he flies around the state! The easy-to-read story includes side-by-side English and Spanish versions that cover days of the week, colors, and numbers.
The Magic Potato was written by Elaine Ambrose, translated by Emily Nielsen, and illustrated by Heidi Winchel.

The book is available for $3.00 from Mill Park Publishing.

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Waiting for the Harvest

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Waiting for the Harvest

By Elaine Ambrose
This book provides a delightful romp through the adventures and growing pains of a young girl in southern Idaho during the 1960s. Set against the backdrop of a volatile potato harvest, the story tells of waiting for water, waiting for maturity, and waiting for answers to some of life’s toughest questions.

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Midlife Cabernet: From Blog to Book

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My first blog post for Midlife Cabernet was published in February of 2008 when I was a youngster in my fifties. Since then, I have repeatedly lost and regained the weight of a piano, divorced and remarried, moved twice, authored or published ten books, attended both my children’s joyful marriages and then held their darling baby girls, supervised the building of a mountain cabin, admitted my mother into a nursing home, and enjoyed enough red wine to preserve me for another twenty years.

This blog was the constant activity through all the chaos and commotion. My first topics were about how to survive the empty nest and described the powerful realization that I would live longer without my children than with them. (This may bring some relief to beleaguered moms of toddlers.) Subsequent blogs covered the raw realities of menopause, body failures, eldercare, and old, old friends. Looking back, Midlife Cabernet is a private journal that I happened to share on the World Wide Web.

So, why not make it a book? Voila! Midlife Cabernet – Love, Life & Laughter after Fifty will premiere in April. It’s a combination of my published blogs and new material, previously unseen by human eyes. Chapters include “Midlife Dating and Mating,” “The Proper Care and Coddling of Curmudgeons,” and “A Time to Laugh, a Time to Get a Weapon.”

If you write a blog (and you should), here’s how you can turn it into a self-published book:

Write well and regularly about topics that interest a target audience.
Save all your published essays into word documents and divide them by categories. For example, I organized all my blogs about grandchildren into an entire chapter titled “Grandkids as Speed Bumps.”
Add 50% new material.
Set a budget. For about $3,500 you can pay for design, editing, printing, and shipping for 100 copies of a 230-page book that contains 60,000 words. Be sure to price the book to cover your costs. Profit is nice, too.
Study online resources and talk to published authors to learn how to self-publish a book. If you want bookstores to consider carrying your book, obtain an ISBN number.
Work with a professional graphic designer to create a dynamite cover and design the interior text. If you’re also doing an e-book, a different configuration is necessary.
Hire a professional editor or two and enlist a few of your literate friends to proofread the copy. My final copy went through four edits and revisions.
Choose an online publishing company. I have used Lulu, BookMasters, and CreateSpace. I prefer CreateSpace. Study their website for instructions. Upload the cover and text, order a proof copy, make any changes, and then order the books.
When the box of books arrives, open it carefully and then relish the moment you first hold your precious creation. This euphoria lasts only a few moments until you realize that the books will languish in your garage until you sell them. Marketing and promotion is just as important as the production. Again, learn from a variety of resources about how to arrange book signing events, obtain reviews, promote through social media, and basically become a book peddler. Remember that your friends and relatives will only buy so many copies before they stop taking your calls.

Finally, enjoy the process of writing a book. There is an enormous feeling of accomplishment when you walk into the local bookstore and see your title on the shelf. You may or may not obtain fame or fortune from your work, but take comfort in knowing you did it. Then go home and start writing your next masterpiece.

Midlife Cabernet: The World is Tilting Upside Down

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My wee granddaughter likes to poke her butt in the air, place her head on the floor, and look back between her legs. This position is best executed by little people who are close to the ground. I tried it once but strained my back, ripped my pants, and fell on my face.

It’s tempting to try this pose again because everything seems to be upside down, and what once was considered strange and inappropriate is now accepted and even celebrated. Here are some perplexing examples of recent news stories that hurt my brain and cause me to mutter (more than usual.)

A man in Portland frantically called 911 because his cat scared him into cowering in a bedroom with his family. The man was paid to tell his terrifying tale on a television entertainment program, and the cat is in therapy. I live with a Marine who could strangle a ferocious beast with one hand without spilling his gin and tonic. And I’m thankful for that fact.

In a related story about a new product, when the killer cat dies the owner can memorialize the feisty feline by having its nose molded into a sterling silver necklace. This lovely tribute is available at several online stores and costs a few hundred dollars. I don’t want any friends who wear animal noses as jewelry. That’s just wrong.

Then there’s the news about a 31-year-old Michigan woman who is in jail because she bit off her boyfriend’s ear during a domestic dispute. Maybe the boyfriend should enlist the help of Angelica Velez of Brooklyn, a tattooed sideshow star who was interviewed last week about her unique and enviable ability to hammer nails up her nose. You can bet your sweet hammered nostrils that she would organize and sell tickets to a catfight between the ear-chomping girlfriend and the notorious kitty.

She’s probably not part of a peculiar group of lonely women who choose to marry inanimate objects. I read a report that a woman in Florida married an amusement park ride because she experienced special feelings while riding it. (And who doesn’t? But we don’t marry the things!) Women also have married other items, including the Eiffel Tower in Paris and the Berlin Wall in Germany. There’s not a single chance of biting off ears in these relationships.

Finally, I’m stunned by the “too damn many lawyers” story about the teenage girl suing her parents for child support. Too bad that sweetheart hadn’t met my father. If I had tried that, I would have been given a one-way ticket on the next bus to Florida to go live with a tattooed woman and her one-eared cat.

I’ve decided to stop reading news bulletins because they clutter my brain with disturbing images and confounding details. I’ll just focus on things I already know to be weird, irrational, and irrelevant. The US Congress comes to mind.

Today’s blog was fueled by a Sebastiani Cabernet from Sonoma County. It’s $40 a bottle at the Kona Grill in The Village at Meridian, but go on Wednesday because all wine is 50% off the regular price. Enjoy a bottle or two and then you’ll be able to strike a downward facing dog pose to get a balanced perspective on our tilted world.

Midlife Cabernet – Wedding Advice to an Ex-Niece

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A dozen years ago, I married into an Italian Catholic family and became part of a gregarious clan that gathers regularly to celebrate weddings, funerals, family reunions, and any excuse to cook and share the “La Bella Figura.” Although my marriage ended in divorce, that family remains an important part of my life and I miss them; well, most of them.

My ex-niece is getting married Friday, and of course, I’m not invited. One of the many unfortunate realities of divorce is that the ex-spouse belongs to the ex-family. I remain in contact with my delightful ex-sister-in-law and her charming children, and I wish we were closer. Because of my past failures and my current success in marriage, I want to offer some advice to my ex-niece on the eve of her wedding.

  1. Believe in Yourself. You can’t depend upon anyone or anything else to make you happy. Your tenacity will sustain you throughout your life, and your husband will appreciate a self-confident partner (and vice versa.)
  2. Retain an Attitude of Gratitude. Sometime after the wedding you will experience the first major disappointment or crisis. Be grateful for the opportunity to prove that you are strong enough to handle it. Kick some butt, if necessary.
  3. Respect your Family and In-laws. My ex-mother-in-law, your late grandmother, raised six children and dutifully supported her military husband. And, she made the best green lasagna in the world. My ex-father-in-law, The Colonel, is still feisty, and I miss talking with him.
  4. Children are Fabulous and Frustrating. If you are blessed with children, share equally in the responsibilities. Make your marriage a priority so that when the kids move away you’ll be excited because the two of you can run around the house naked.
  5. Keep the Faith. It’s great fun to experience the abundant joys of life. The true challenge comes when you’re assaulted with pain and circumstances that bring you to your knees. But, that’s where you will be comforted and inspired by the grace of God. Trust me.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I was raised in a critical, competitive family; my father chose not to attend my high school graduation, my parents and brothers refused the invitation to my first wedding, my brother sued me and I haven’t seen him in 14 years. So I’m grateful to the Romanos for giving me a brief but boisterous look at how families should celebrate together. Now, I eagerly enjoy spending time with my wonderful husband, our children, and their families. It’s with that conviction that I raise a glass to toast Jenn and her new husband and sincerely invite them to come to Idaho for a visit. I have a well-worn recipe for her grandma’s green lasagna, and we will eat, drink and be merry.

Today’s blog is compliments of a bottle of Amarone, a bold, Italian, dry, red wine that is worth the price, and perfect for a special family celebration. Ciao!

Midlife Cabernet – Avoid Laxatives before Playing in a Golf Tournament

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I’ve never been one to follow rules. A long list of frustrated teachers, exasperated parents, and humorless police officers can confirm that fact. It’s not that I’m overly rebellious; it’s just that I prefer to have my own way. About everything. This attitude can be annoying to others.

However, after living this long, I do adhere to a few Rules of Life:

  1. Never assume people will appreciate that you are alive. (This fact comes in handy when dealing with sales clerks, bank tellers, neighbors, classmates, audiences, ex-spouses, etc.)
  2. Always tip waiters, hairdressers, and physical therapists. (Acknowledge that these people help you eat, look better, and feel great. They deserve a tip for dealing with you.)
  3. Be nice to children. (My generation survived without helmets, car seats, cell phones, computers, and nannies. Today’s kids need to climb and fall out of trees, catch frogs in the ditch, and play outside until dark. I worry about them.)
  4. Avoid laxatives before playing in a golf tournament.

I just added that last rule. For those of us past a certain age, IBS does not mean the International Banking System. No, we’re blessed with a malady known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (sorry if you’re having breakfast.) We never know when or where our bodies will decide to perform necessary bodily functions. I’ve always admired those who have been in the military because they get up, grab the newspaper, and go to the bathroom. Every day. However, many middle aged women greet a BM like those winners in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes ads. We’re so overjoyed that we want someone to deliver balloons and a big check.

I recently played in a golf tournament. A few days before the tournament, I was so miserable that I downed several “gentle softeners” to assist Mother Nature. Well, she was out of town and didn’t return the call…until I stepped up to the first tee box. I know some of you are nodding your heads. Yes, that’s when the gurgling started. Imagine that awful scene from the movie Dumb and Dumber.

Golf courses are designed by men, probably with military experience, who have already done their daily duty and don’t need restrooms. When I golf, I calculate how long it will take to get to the lonely restroom at the far end of the course and have been known to jump into the cart and take off over the next fairway. Others golfers do not appreciate this, but many of the “seasoned” women raise their clubs in silent salute.

Anyway, at last week’s tournament I made the decision to break the rules (golf has too many rules, anyway), and I took off in the cart. I returned by the second hole, refreshed and rewarded, and hit the longest drive of my life. My scramble partner now wants me to repeat the exercise for the next tournament, but I refuse. My new rule is one that I just can’t break.

Today’s blog is fueled by a bottle of 2010 Fidélitas M100 from Columbia Valley. This delicious red wine is a unique blend of Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Malbec, and Petit Verdot. The label states that the wine was named for “Our Grandmother Mary – a passionate, stubborn, loving, opinionated, caring, tough, God-fearing, Lawrence Welk-lovin’ gal” – sounds like my kind of woman. Find this wine at A New Vintage Wine Shop for around $25.